What Have We Done To Each Other
by vintagesvu
Summary: Marriage. You want to know what it's like? Absolute bliss. It always is in the beginning. After that it turns into greed. Who's happiness is more important. It isn't until three years down the line that you realize it's not your own. And by then it's too late. You wake up one day and you're trapped. You can't escape. You trust no one, and loving is just the thing to get you killed.
1. Gone

_Inspired by Gone Girl_

 _Also Harry Connick Jr. is not it. So I do encourage you all to imagine whoever your heart desires. We're really just here for the flexibility of his character. I've personally enjoyed Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Jaime Dornan, Idris Elba, Justin Chambers, Liam Neeson etc. It's honestly up to you. SVU is GOAT on a lot of things, but casting male characters isn't one of them._

 _Happy trails, and enjoy the madness._

It was the quiet that woke him. The house was never quiet. Olivia was usually up by now. Watching the news, running the dishwasher, listening to music while she worked out, taking a shower. But not today. Today was different. He didn't hear Chris Cimino with the weather, or pots and pans clinking together before being shoved into the dish washer. He didn't hear Hamilton turn on so she could do her lifts, or the sound of running water against their marble bath tile.

That morning there was nothing but silence.

It felt more like an attack than an alarm at first. He had woken with a start. His eyes flipping open mechanically. Out of instant memory rather than free will. He found the red digital lights of the clock staring back at him from the nightstand. It was a quarter before six. It was still early…

With his body still heavy with sleep or lack there of, he had turned on his side to kiss her good morning. To ask how she was feeling. What she was thinking. To come up with a plan. But she wasn't there. Her side of the bed was cold and empty. There hadn't even been an indent as if she lain there an hour before.

"Liv?" He called out, groggily.

It was a shit attempt. He doubted she would've heard him if she had just been in the bathroom. He cleared his throat, and called louder.

"Liv?"

Nothing.

He exhaled deeply, hoping to shake the last of his sleep laden bones off of him. She'd probably got called into work.

That would've been convenient.

It was too early to start thinking about what her absence meant though. He needed coffee. Juice. Something to kill the knot in his chest.

He padded all the way down to the third floor and walked into the kitchen. There was still glass on the ground. The sharp broken side of one cup sat straight up in front of him, and across the room was the other with the rigid part resting on its side. The photos of them from their wedding were still on the living room floor. The frames cracked and broken. And the TV was still on. He walked over to the fire place and picked up one of the photos of the two of them together.

They were joined together, forehead to forehead. Newly wedded in France. The green hedges behind them and the blonde dirt road a dead giveaway. It was her favorite photo from the wedding, and his too. He shook out as much broken glass as he could from the frame and walked it back over to the kitchen. It was then that he saw it.

Carefully lit as if it were staged for a house viewing, was an 8 by 4 stationary card, and scribbled on it in her penmanship were the words, _"Don't try and find me."_

He reread it again. As if he missed something else. Something more crucial. Half expecting it to say, " _I'm at the grocery store. Went to pick up milk_." But there was nothing. Just, " _Don't try and find me."_ Five words. That's all. He knew what this was about. Last night. They fought. They hurt each other. He more than her, but this? David crunched the note on top of the kitchen counter.

 _Bitch_.

Even if she did leave, he doubted she'd gone far. Olivia was wounded in that way. Spent most of her life looking for commitment in people that denied her and offered nothing but rejection. Every person she loved turned out to be the same until he came along. He was the first person she'd ever been able to trust. The first to tell her that he loved her and mean it. The first that saw her for who she was and wanted her for it. The first to love her the way she could love him. They were a perfect match. She was beautiful. Smart. Strong hearted. He was dominant, protective, and ruthless with his love. He thought she was passionate and fearless. She thought he was charming and fierce. That he had a streak for truth and loyalty. She liked that he never cared about her past or her job. She could talk to him about it all. He was that in love with her. And he wanted her. God did he want her. For him, what drew most people away, kept him in the game. He was fascinated with her. And even though they'd been married for three years, he still loved her as fiercely as the day they met.

Women like Olivia don't just walk away from that kind of security. That kind of love and attention.

Last night was pretty rough though. If she needed space, he was going to give it to her. If she left without saying anything to him, then he suspected she probably wasn't going to come home and planned on staying at Alex's.

He rolled his eyes.

Predictable.

He walked over to the fridge to get a glass of juice when her cell phone sounded behind him. He turned around and found it buzzing on the floor. The vibrations so hard that it started to turn in a circle. He knelt down and saw that it was Amanda calling. He frowned. Did it fall when she left? Hadn't she gone into work? Maybe she asked her to call it in attempt to find it. Good, he thought. She should look. Later on she'd be forced to come back home to get it. That's when they'd talk.

He threw her phone on the counter with the note and went on to get a glass of juice. It was 6am now. He was starting to run late. After fixing toast, he went upstairs to use the shower, but the silence had started to thicken and chew at him. The air was too still. He could feel it in his chest. As if he were driving down a road of fog into a terror he couldn't see. Something was wrong. Off. Perhaps it was because she had left like a thief in the night. He hadn't physically seen her go, and she had made no mention of leaving him in the first place before that note. He frowned underneath the water. Had she really gone?

It was in poor taste to be in denial.

Olivia was a direct woman. It was one of the things he loved about her. She didn't dance around the obvious. She never looked for permission to do anything. If she said she left, then she left.

But David couldn't shake the weight on his heart.

Maybe it was wrong to wait, he thought. Maybe it would be better if he took the phone to her and they spoke at work. She was probably heartbroken last night because of what he said. If he wanted her to come home then it would be up to him to fix things between them. His Italian masculine pride wasn't going to woo her over this time. It was foolish and immature to think it was her place to come back to him when it was his stubbornness that had set them off in the first place. He turned the water off, driven to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible. Last night, things had gone too far. It was a mistake. She was still his wife. He shouldn't have said the things he said. He didn't mean them.

In truth, he had completely underestimated his limits. He thought he could fix things between them, without missing a beat. Lurk in the shadows, make the sacrifices, take the hits so she could be happy. But the cost was much steeper than he realized. Because of his actions he lost his footing mentally, emotionally. Most days he could hardly keep it together. The only thing he trusted was control. Solid ground. And when she threatened that, he reacted. That was all. He didn't mean to hurt her until he did. And he regretted every syllable that flew out of his mouth. Hating her, being hateful towards her was extremely contradictory to his nature. He was built to love her. When things started to get bad between them, he quickly grew over their turmoils and submitted to her completely. Hailing her right and ruler of all. Above all else, he wanted her to feel held in their relationship. He wanted to feel like home to her.

How things got so bad between them, he didn't know. But it was shameful to think the world he dreamed up for her, had been reduced to such disdain. A riddled, complex, ongoing nightmare with no regard for sentiment.

He was thankful at least, that they still had sex. The only thing that kept them alive was the sex. Making love had become the foundation of their marriage. It was the only thing that was left for it to stand on, and while it kept things interesting he knew it wouldn't be enough to make it last. If anything the sex had been to blame.

Everything was perfect until he bought her the house. And even then, they had months of bliss before things took a turn. Olivia was so excited to have a real home. He remembered surprising her after dinner one night. She wept in his arms staring at the town house, all lit up for her to go inside. All the joy and excitement and awe, rich on her cheeks. Even now he could remember her stillness. Her quiet. Her sigh of rest as she buried herself deeper in his arms. She expelled all emotions as if she had come to the end of a long and troublesome race. The trials and suffering finished at last as she clung to him. It was one of the best moments in their marriage. One of his proudest in life. Getting to see that look on her face.

And it should've been. He spared no expense. He wanted nothing short of the best for her. So naturally it was a seven story, state of the art, luxury town home. The kind of place that made you forget that you were in a hustling, bustling city. The kind of place she'd probably dreamed of living in as a kid, desperate to get away from her mother. And even though he knew she thought it was too grand. Too new. She was vocal about how much she loved the place, and in the months that they shared their life together, Olivia had ended up turning it into something else that was warm and inviting. Almost every detail from floor to ceiling was hers. She made it a home that they loved coming back to at the end of the day. A place vibrant with color and life. Not a single tile was left short of joy.

But as is the unique nature of human kind, she wanted more.

 _"I want something else, too."_ Her first words as she stared up at its grandeur in his arms. For now though, what she asked of him was better off staying secret and hidden for his sake and sanity. Four years together. Three years of marriage, it was the only thing she'd ever asked of him. It was the only thing she wanted. And it was the one thing she couldn't have.

He exhaled.

He didn't have the stomach to dwell on it.

He walked out into the hallway, bothered that he could hear the birds chirping outside. The air was so settled, his stomach started to knot. He passed their bedroom and saw Olivia lounging in one of the chairs. Her dark wavy hair was splayed out on her shoulders, the smooth, long, curvy softness of her body was cloaked in form fitting silk pajamas, and the black rims of her glasses sat elegantly on her arrowed nose. She was in deep, reading books on Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but she peered up from the page to look at him. A warm smile crossing her lips.

She put the book down and stood up to meet up. "You leaving me councilor?"

If he took her in his arms, she'd smell like orchids. He'd want to kiss her, hold her, spread her legs and lay down the law. But he couldn't. Didn't. He wasn't ready to start things up again with her just yet. He needed more time to heal. To come back from the mistakes that he'd made. The ones she naively knew nothing about. Her arms encircled around his neck as she stood on her tip toes to kiss him good morning. And he closed his eyes, feeling her intoxicate him. The slight touch of her breasts crowding into his chest. Her lips so soft on his face.

"Come home soon. I miss you," she whispered sensually in his ear.

But that night he hadn't come home at all. Instead he returned the next morning with no explanation of his whereabouts leaving her to assume the worst. They fought. Aggressively. But even then she found it in her to still love him.

That episode was a month ago to the day he realized as he mimicked his steps from the past, turning away, taking the stairs two by two, as he pinned his cufflinks on his way to the car. He grabbed her phone from the kitchen, turned off the TV and walked out into the foyer to grab his keys. It wasn't until he looked away from his wrist that he noticed that hers were there too. Her purse bundled on the sitting bench with her coat. Exactly how she left it last night.

Odd.

Out of curiosity he opened her bag and found her wallet sticking up in the middle. He opened it.

Her license.

Her credit cards.

Her badge.

All of it.

He put the bag down carefully, as if it were a bomb that might go off.

"Liv?" He called out.

And when she didn't answer, the silence swallowed him whole.


	2. Panic

He didn't want to panic. He wasn't going to. Not right away. Her car was here. Her cell. Her keys. Her wallet. She'd never leave the house without those things. Her badge especially.

He stepped back carefully from her purse and took a pause. Maybe she was picked up. Maybe Alex had come and got her. She was inconsolable last night. He blinked feeling an iron fist clench at his throat remembering the mess he left her in. He wasn't even sure she'd come to bed. _"Don't try and find me."_ David felt a rippling flash of worry before burning anger set in. He stormed back into the kitchen and uncrumpled the note she'd left.

He reread it again. She was leaving him. She left him and she didn't want to be found. And if she didn't want to be found, he wasn't going to find her. All the worry in the past hour, wondering if she was safe. If she'd been hurt, when in reality she wasn't in danger at all. She was leaving him. This was her way of taking control. Her big fuck you for last night. David blinked. Swallowed. The reality of the situation setting in. She probably wanted to divorce him. That kind of fight was reason enough for her to go. Couples divorce on that sort of thing all the time.

 _Divorce._

He threw his forearm into their fruit bowl and listened to it shatter on the floor.

"Bitch," he seethed. "You fucking bitch."

The bowl wasn't enough. He wanted to break the counter she used to fuck him on. The glasses she drank wine from. The pots she used to cook with. The mirrors she got dressed in front of. But most of all, he wanted to break her. Break her face. Break her arms. Her neck. Her ribs so she couldn't breathe.

He stormed back out into the foyer and violently opened the door to her office. Her laptop was laying neatly on her desk, next to case files he knew she'd been working on. He pushed her chair out of the way, infuriated. He opened the metal screen and waited for it turn on.

Password.

ELLIOT, he typed.

Password incorrect.

ELLIOT4015.

Password incorrect.

He clenched his fist, hard until he was white knuckled. Exhaled. Tried to get himself under control. Maybe she…

DOMINIC530

Password incorrect.

 _Fucking bitch, you fucking- Fuck!_

He shoved the computer off her desk the way he shoved the fruit bowl, and kicked the desk off its legs. Hundreds of papers slid off and got mixed up as he stood in silence. Thinking. Running over the details. He turned back to her desk, and kneeled over the shuffled papers. Mixing them up more, trying to find answers. Most of it was financial statements. Not in the least surprising. Olivia took care of all of the bills and taxes. He trusted her with everything. She never showed any interest in money. _His money_. She had her own job, that garnered her own independence. She never wanted a dime- but she became diligent after their setback. She took more time at home, and wanted a reason to keep busy. So David suggested she handle their finances. It was the least, domesticated chore she could do. He didn't want her totally submitting to the will of being a housewife. Didn't want her to feel trapped or obligated. He always respected her freedom and independence. And the money was coming in. She would have plenty to do. What's more is he preferred her in charge because he trusted her more than anyone at the office.

She took it seriously too. She talked about deals and investments, even mentioned starting a non profit because they were so wealthy. She planned everything out to the detail. Where money should and could go. It was their leading conversation for the past two years. She loathed talking about anything else. Work had become taboo. Friends started an argument. But money? That was the golden hour. He ran over the paperwork and found account statements from as recent as last week. $176.42 at Whole Foods and a $40 charge for gas money. She'd brought enough groceries to last almost two weeks. He remembered her coming home with bags of vegetables and meat and a lot of junk food. Ice cream. Chips. Chocolates and candies. Olivia never ate that stuff. It made her slow at work, but she claimed it was for his nieces that were coming to say so he didn't challenge her about it.

His chest swelled and it was hard to breathe underneath the anger and the panic. She was always happiest when they came to visit her. Always so damn desperate to know what they were doing and when they were coming back. He clenched his jaw.

It took him an hour but he had cross checked everything. There wasn't a penny out of place. She had made some cash withdrawals over the last three months, but none of them were more than $200. She could've used that money for anything. Toiletries, drinks with Casey and Alex, a hair or nail appointment. Anything.

He stormed upstairs to their room, frustrated that he didn't have any answers. It smelled like her and that suffocated him. He opened the closet. Her clothes were still there. All of it. Untouched. He pulled at the drawers aimlessly, looking for anything she might have left behind or taken with her. But she had left with no money, no clothes, no identity.

 _Where did you go?_

He stormed out of the closet and picked up the house phone before running back down stairs.

 _"Are you at the airport? Did you have an Uber take you to the train?"_

He prepared himself to call them all. When he finally calmed down, he realized she couldn't have gotten on a plane or booked a hotel without her passport or her ID. Without her cellphone she wasn't able to call an Uber. The most she could do was catch a subway, maybe a cab somewhere depending on how much cash she had. But where would she go? Who would she turn to? She was a close knit woman. She didn't let many people into her circle, and the people she was friendly with, were people she met through work.

Alex hadn't seen her and was standoffish, late for court. A lawyer like him, she was generally unavailable from taking multiple cases at once. Out of all Olivia's friends she was the smartest and most cunning, and if Olivia wanted to leave she would have gone to her for advice. He hung up the phone making a mental note to press her later.

Casey, another lawyer was also close friends with Olivia. She had been disbarred but she was still in law, and worked as a professor at NYU. He left an urgent message asking her to call him back immediately. That just left Fin and Amanda, but he hated the idea of calling them and getting them involved. They would blow the entire thing out of proportion. They were cops, so they'd treat the situation like cops. There was no telling how they'd react, or what they'd suspect especially if they knew Olivia's reasons for leaving.

 _Reasons for leaving._

David scoffed. He had no idea what the hell those were anymore. If she planned this, this went beyond last night. He thought he knew why before, but to leave everything behind so suddenly and with such confidence…

A text dinged. Casey.

 _What's up?_

He texted back. _Have you spoken to Olivia this week?_

She responded. _No. We almost went out for drinks but she bailed. Is everything ok?_

He didn't respond.

To hell with this. He was going to work.

An hour later, he was walking into the very sleek, modern, office building of Haden International Law Firms. The moment he stepped off the elevator he took his first real deep breath of the day. He had an appointment with Amal Alamuddin for the Assange case in 30 minutes. It was perfect. Exactly what he needed to forget about that morning. Abbie was already waiting for him outside the door of his office. Her head down in her cellphone. David clenched his jaw. He loved Abbie, but she favored Olivia too closely. Slender but not thin. She had the curvy figure of a woman. Dark of hair. Dark features. Olive skin. The soft defined jaw, the arrow pretty nose, and the dark eyes deep enough for him to swim in.

"You're late," she said by way of greeting, not looking up from her cellphone.

It took a minute but the relief he usually felt when they were together set in. Abbie Carmichael was his best friend from college. They were like fraternal twins. They had an unspoken loyalty between them, that withstood everything. If he had committed murder, Abbie would have helped him bury the body. If she had robbed a bank, he would have been standing by with the getaway car. They were best friends. Blood brothers. Freakishly in sync with one another in a way that made others uncomfortable- especially when they finished each others sentences.

Olivia always hated that.

"Something came up," he gritted out.

"Wow. You gonna eat me for breakfast too?" She arched her eyebrow at him. "Tame the beast. What happened?"

David peeled off his jacket and set his briefcase on the desk.

"Olivia left me." David ignored the grief in his words. The fear. The pain of Olivia driving an iron nail in his heart.

"What?" Abbie said, her eyebrows furrowing in shock and disbelief.

"She left a note that said, 'Don't try and find me.'"

"Bitch." She mused, though it was far from funny. He told Abbie everything, but Abbie didn't _know_ everything. She was completely in the dark about what went on between them. Nevermind that he ran New York while she ran Seattle, his relationship with Olivia was strictly off limits. He cherished what they shared together deeply. Their bond was sacred. The most Abbie knew was how madly in love with his wife he was known to be. If she knew anything more, knew the root of what happened last night, David guessed she wouldn't be trying to make him laugh at all.

"Don't call her that," he said quietly as he slumped into the couch. He said as much like a broken record all morning, but Abbie had no right. She was still his wife.

"Thirty bucks, she ran off with that Irish prick with the shitty tattoos and the bad temper."

"He's not Irish," he rolled his eyes at the mention of his wife's other lover. Anything and everything was game as an explanation for this morning.

"His wife's name was Kathy, he had forty kids and a tattoo of the crucifix on his left shoulder. Are you fucking kidding me?" Abbie pushed, a comical glimmer in her eyes.

"They don't even talk anymore," David mumbled, annoyed that he had to think about Elliot for the second time that day.

"Then what about the new guy? The one with the big nose and the sweet eyes."

"She's not with Stone." David said quietly. For a moment, neither spoke. He had nothing to say, and he didn't want to listen to anything either. Ironic. All morning he had been desperate for noise. For life. But now he wished he was back home in that silence Olivia left for him. Leaving the house had put things in perspective and talking about it with Abbie had made everything real.

Olivia was gone.

He needed a drink.

Abbie slouched down next to him. "Have you tried calling her yet?" Her voice came in muffled as he gazed forwardly out the window where he could see all of Manhattan. She could've been anywhere. The view which he normally loved, now overwhelmed him with anxiety and he had to look away.

He sat up drew his hands through his hair. "No. She left her phone. Her keys. Wallet. The car." David felt Abbie tense. Felt her blink in shock, her entire body break out in goosebumps. Thinking what he had refused to believe all morning. Thinking that it sounded more like a disappearance than a wife walking out on her marriage.

"Jesus. Is that even normal?"

No. It wasn't normal. For a split second he couldn't breathe. His chest squeezed again, and the voice inside him returned. _Something's wrong_. _She's not coming back_. The feeling so paralyzing that it was almost identical to the moment he first laid eyes on her. Only instead of dread and panic, there was awe and fear and wonder. _Something's arrived. She's the woman you're going to marry_.

That's what went through his mind the day he met her.

 _"Benson. Amaro."_ Cragen had called out. She had walked in and time had stopped when he had turned around and saw her standing there.

She was a tsunami. A wall of water hundreds of feet high, and he was down below at the edge of the wave. Staring up in complete awe at all of her splendor. Every inch of her was a world ignited in fire and passion. She was a force. The light and strength oozing out from her being. To say she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen would've been an understatement. The way she looked at him was the way he knew instantly that he'd found the love of his life. He could read everything so easily on her face. The rebellious side. The fearless side. So organic. And honest. She completely overwhelmed him. The whole thing like stepping into a dream.

But she'd been hurt. He could tell by her eyes. They had such small flickering embers inside them. The light burning was weak and dying. And there was exhaustion in her voice. Sadness.

It angered him.

Such a woman.

He remembered he wanted to hold her and how he forced himself to look away. Terrified that he would fall in love with fixing something. She deserved more than that.

And then almost as if she could tell that he noticed how vulnerable she really was, she stared at him. Spoke up for herself. And that thundering wall of another world came crashing down on him. He'd never felt anything like it before in his life. There was no warning, no signal, no sign that said take caution. He had fallen in love before he had time to weigh the good and the bad. Before he could say yes. Before he could say no.

"Where could she have gone?" Abbie asked, sitting up to be closer with him.

He still had money on Alex. He imagined her sleeping in the guest room of her sprawling penthouse. Her face soft and swollen with sleep. They'd probably stayed up late last night. Drinking wine, talking about what happened. Alex no doubt would've been coaching her to divorce him. She was an extremely smart and cunning woman, with a spider like mind. A lesser man would've hated that, or even been intimidated, but he had always encouraged Alex to be sharper, stronger. Now he wondered if he'd just polished the gun meant to shoot him.

"I think she's with a friend, but I'm not sure," David answered quietly.

"Have you called anyone?" Abbie pressed.

He felt himself go stiff. He didn't respond. His thoughts were elsewhere. Hours before. Back home. In the kitchen. With Olivia. And the terrible fight that caused her to leave him.

He needed a drink. Whiskey.

Abbie was already fixing it.

"David?" Abbie tried again. "If something happened, tell me."

He turned his head around to face her. A dark, dangerous heavy glare flickering in his eyes, every bit as primal as he intended it to be.

"There's nothing to tell." he gritted out, before standing up and crossing the room. The ugliness in his eyes had repelled Abbie, but she wasn't walking away from this.

"Did you tell anyone about the note?"

"No," he swallowed hard.

"Have you spoken to her squad?"

"I don't want them involved. I don't want our marriage turning into a crime scene."

"Bonus points for sounding like a murderer."

Leaning against his desk he went back into her office. Abbie and the rest of the world didn't exist to him. In his mind he was staring at the bank statements again. Why would she buy so many groceries if she knew she was going to leave? Was that her way of twisting the knife? Her way of letting him know that she was the perfect wife? That even in the demise of their marriage she still cared for him? Or was what she carelessly tried to push on him last night really true? She hadn't taken any money. She fled with virtually no cash in her pocket. No cellphone. No ID.

 _Call Fin. She wouldn't leave like that. No sane person would leave any one like that. There's something wrong. There's something you missed._

His phone rang. He pulled it out of the breast pocket of his suit and looked down at the caller ID.

Alex.

Without hesitation he swiped left. "I just want to know if she's with you."

He expected coldness. Anger. Disgust. Truth be told he hadn't even expected a call. He thought at most a text if he was lucky. Instead, she greeted him frantically, as if she were running in between court rooms. Her voice was heavy and short. In the background were the shouts of reporters. She must've closed a case.

"David? Can you hear me?" She asked loudly into the phone.

"I'm here." He waited patiently for things to quiet down. "Can you hear me?" He asked.

"I can. What's going on? Is everything alright?"

"I was wondering if you'd heard from Liv. We got into a fight last night. I thought maybe she'd gone to you."

"No. I haven't. We haven't spoken in weeks."

The world fell out from beneath him. His vision had gone dark and a throbbing mass had moved in-between his frontal lobe and the vortex of his nose. He felt faint. Abbie saw him sway and moved closer to hold his shoulder. Silent.

"What happened last night?" Alex pressed.

"We argued. I said some things that I shouldn't have," David heard himself say. Wary that his voice came out robotic, and emotionless. His head was on fire. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think straight. His nerves were electrical current wires, cut open and left to spark and splay.

"And what? She left?"

He could see the furrow of her brows inching inward. Trying to wrap her head around what he was saying. The blonde wisps of hair spooling from the crown of her porcelain skull to draw conclusions. Trying to figure out if it was bullshit or worth pursuing like a case.

"Yeah."

"I'll try and reach her and I'll let you know if I hear anything."

 _What are you going to do?_ David thought. _Call her?_

"Fine."

He hung up.

Hanging up before the conversation was over was the only thing he felt he could do to stay in control of the situation. He needed answers and he wasn't going to get them sitting in his office.

Abbie handed him the drink. He drank the whole thing in one sip before setting the glass down with force on his desk.

"Cancel my appointment with Amal." David ordered her.

"Where are you going?"

He hadn't answered. He just knew that he had to get home. It wasn't until he was in the parking lot that he decided where to look first. They owned a home up in Lake Placid. Both they and Alex owned another home in The Hamptons. She had keys to all three houses, and could've been hiding out in either one. It was possible she had taken the keys she needed to get inside and left the others at home to throw him off. It was a 2 hour ride upstate, and it took less than five seconds to convince himself to go.

Driving away from the city took some pressure off his chest, but the more Olivia came up unheard from, unseen, the more he panicked. He kept telling himself everything was fine. That it was stupid to worry. She had every right to leave him for what he said, what he did. He'd destroyed her. Burned out something precious inside her. It would've been a miracle if at the end of this his marriage was still in tact. But she would come back. She had to.

Arriving in the Hamptons, he passed by Alex's first. She had a grey shingled cottage on the edge of the beach. Her storage hut to the right of the property was neatly kept. With thick green vines flowing in the wind and her bikes parked out front. But there were no cars in the driveway. He couldn't be sure that she was there but Olivia loved staying over at Alex's as she would often bake apple and blueberry pies and host brunch poolside. If she truly were trying to get away she would've come here, he thought. Confidently he had gone and knocked on the door but no one answered. He ended up staying for two hours outside, sitting in the summer weather imagining her walking by. Her arms holding groceries. Or casually riding a bike with her hair flowing in the wind. But no one showed.

David's stomach knotted as he again met silence. Only this time he couldn't call it's bluff.

His heart had been beating at an abnormally high rate all morning and he'd broken into a sweat while he was with Abbie. Now it was all attacking him with a vengeance.

He heaved on the side of the road next to his car.

He wasn't surprised. He had a glass of juice and a whiskey to go with his wife's disappearance. It was the furthest thing from a balanced meal. It was a wonder he was still standing and it was foolish to think he could run on adrenaline all day. He would crash if he didn't eat something.

Opening the door to his car, he drove the ten minutes to his home with Olivia. It was a complete 180 from the inviting, cozy, coastal cottage that Alex had. He and Olivia owned a stunning 3 acre beach house complete with a private tennis court, two pools, a library, and 7 expansive bedrooms. They had clean, white interiors, high ceilings, 90 degree stair cases and a guest house with an additional 3 bedrooms and a private garden. The house was always stocked, and prepared in case they wanted to leave the city spur of the moment. It would of have been smart and logical of Olivia to come here. Far away from him and the city and yet not so far where she couldn't just hop into the car and drive to the precinct if need be. There were several cars already stowed at the estate. She would've had her pick.

David pulled up to the gate and waited for the white, wooden gates to open before driving down a long sandy rock road and parking out front. With what little energy he had left, he ran inside.

The house was still. Silent. Like their townhome in the city.

"Olivia!" He called out as the door closed behind him.

He checked every room. Every nook and cranny. The bathrooms. The pools. The garden. The beach. The guest house. The garage. Everywhere. By the time he slowed down and came back inside his hands were shaking. He opened up the refrigerator in their kitchen, and grabbed the first thing he could see. Four apples and a protein shake. He left the house and drove back to Alex's hoping that he'd see her, but there wasn't a stone out of place.

Torn between fear and anger, he started his way back to the city. The drive down to their home on the upper west side less peaceful than it had been going up. He started second guessing everything and started considering alternatives to what he thought he knew. He had been wrong about everything else so far, what if she hadn't left him?

She could've just taken the day for herself. Stolen a few hours to put distance between them. Figure things out. It was possible that right now, at this very moment, she was home soaking in a bath. All chaos from the day completely oblivious to her agenda.

It was also possible that something far more sinister had happened.

 _What if she hurt herself?_

David closed his eyes, willing himself to endure their stinging scream at the thought. They had a year and a half of bliss and then life had abruptly torn them out of their dream. One night was all it took. They spent so many months loving each other. Building a life with one another, and then just like a sand castle on the beach, an ocean had just come and washed it all away. Olivia had turned into a different woman. She wasn't the same. She didn't laugh anymore. She smiled less. They didn't talk like they used to. They had become strangers living in the same house. Strangers that were in love. There was months of that. And then she started to hate him. He wanted to close the door on the past, close the door on their future, focus on their present, but she wouldn't let go. They started fighting over trivial things like what time one or the other got home. They started sleeping in separate beds. Enforcing schedules that didn't allow them to see one another. Months turned into years. And the years turned into this.

His chest swelled again.

He knew she wasn't happy. But he was so damned selfish. He didn't want to share her. Not anymore. She was his. All of her. He never objectified her, but Olivia was the missing piece to his being. His existence. No one else completed him the way she did. Her body. Her mind. The intense way that she gave her heart to things and the people that mattered to her. All of it. The very essence of her being had his name on it. The weeks and months he spent silently loving her from afar were the most torturous of his life. Every waking moment she was on his mind. He grew so infatuated that he doubted he had ever truly loved anyone before. And when she was finally in his arms, he loved her every day, harder than any pain she'd ever felt.

So you can imagine his surprise, when she began to accuse him of the exact opposite. He felt the wine splash in his face again, from last night and chewed his lip.

When he finally pulled down their street it was 7:30pm. He half expected her to be there when he got back. He imagined the lights would be on. The TV. She'd be in the kitchen again making dinner. And because of last night she wouldn't address him. He would address her. He would ask where she went. She would say, "I went for a run and then I got winded, so I sat in the park for a minute. It must've been an hour before I realized I left my phone at home so I came back to get it. The squad needed me so I went in."

But there was nothing. When he walked through his front door, the same bone chilling silence that had followed him all day greeted him. The lights were off. Her things were just as they were that morning. Untouched. She hadn't come back.

He threw his keys on the table to the side and took off his jacket. It was too early to formally report her as missing so he was going to wait. Fin would hate him for that. Amanda too. Everyone at SVU would. They treated their own differently from everyone else. He should've called that morning.

It was 7:40pm now.

 _Another hour_. He thought. _I'll give her another hour._ He went into the kitchen and poured himself another drink and sat in the living room.

The glass was still on the floor and the photos were still shattered in front of of the fireplace.

"You know you really shouldn't drink before your case tomorrow," he heard her say from the kitchen. She walked over to him in her maroon colored blouse and suit pants holding two glasses of red wine. Her lips already red and stained with alcohol. She sat next to him, and he took a glass from her.

"One glass. Then I'm done for the night," he promised.

"Don't forget to shave too," she measured his jaw lovingly with her thumb. They kissed. Her hair coming down over his eyes drowning him in the smell of orchids. Her lips warm and sweet from the wine. He pulled her closer, but she broke them apart smiling against his mouth. "You need to sleep."

"I know. You're a knock out. A few hours with you and I'll sleep the night through." David grinned, pulling at her belt. He watched her close her eyes as he pulled the leather strap from the hooks at her waist, and unzipped her pants. Her mouth opened slightly against his chin. He pulled the pants down hugging her lower waist with his hands before hooking his thumb underneath her lingerie. Down they went. He wanted to go slow tonight. He pulled her by her hair and drew her to his mouth again. Kissing, holding, slipping three fingers between her dribbling, swollen pussy. He kissed her harder feeling how wet she was. Feeling her hands knead him in the stomach as she opened her blouse. She moved against his hand as he massaged her clit.

The doorbell rang.

The moment fleeing like a red-seeded dandelion in the wind. He looked down at his wrist. It was quarter after 8. She put him through hell today. And he wasn't going to let her sleep until she knew that. They weren't going to fight like last night but he wasn't going to let this go. He walked back out into the foyer and forcefully opened the door.

"David, Hi. Is Liv home?"

He blinked as if he'd been shot.

It was Amanda Rollins & Dominick Carisi Jr.


	3. Suspect

The words coupled with the appearance of not one but two of Olivia's colleagues had been knives of ice stabbing against David's spine. He had just spent the worst 13 hours of his life, the absolute worst hours imaginable, peeling apart his fight with Olivia. Now he faced what seemed like an endless marathon of speculation and unanswered questions around a marriage he no longer recognized. Their presence was the first real implication that Olivia had gone missing. That this morning was more than a stunt orchestrated by his newly unpredictable wife. He tried to say something but couldn't. His jaw was wired shut, and he was forced to watch the light, springy, familiar smile on Amanda's face slowly fade into confusion.

"David?" She tried again. He heard her but still her voice came in like the distant call from within an indoor swimming pool. The moment born of such shock and confusion that his mind hadn't caught up to the fact that two people whom he considered friends were sitting on his front door step inquiring on the whereabouts of his wife. Whereabouts that he should've had the answer to.

His throat constricted. The pain nearly as strong as the paralyzing twist of knots in his stomach. He felt his eyes start to burn like acid.

"She's not here," he choked, his mouth drying, feeling fear paralyze him for the first time since that morning.

"We haven't heard from her all day." Carisi frowned.

"I've been calling her just as long. Have you heard from her? Is she alright?" Amanda pressed, voicing concern.

David stared at them. Debated what he should do. What he should say. But no matter what he decided, what words he carefully chose, the outcome would be the same. His marriage would come undone that night. The makeshift stitches that held it together would unravel revealing a bed of lies and secrets. Jealousy. Betrayal. Suspicion.

He felt his heart tearing. Shredding. This was his fault. He'd pushed her too far.

"She's gone," he heard himself say.

 _"_ What do you mean gone?" Amanda echoed. The concept so foreign that she couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. She couldn't be gone. That didn't make any sense.

David finished his scotch in front of them and opened the door wider for them to come in. Both stepped into the foyer without instruction.

"I haven't seen her since last night," he explained softly, placing his glass next to her things. He picked up her coat. It was the closest thing to their bed, the closest thing he had to her. Even now her perfume lingered. "She and I got into a fight. She left sometime between then and this morning."

Amanda was in shock but Carisi had the same schoolboy frown on his face.

"Did she say anything before she left about where she was going?" Amanda asked, concern embedded in her voice.

David clenched Olivia's jacket tighter. "No. I've been looking for her all day. She left a note this morning saying, ' _Don't try and find me_.'" He needed another drink. His tongue felt like sandpaper. "She left her phone, her keys, credit cards…everything."

"Even her badge and ID?" Carisi interrogated.

David tilted his chin at Olivia's purse. "Everything."

"What were you two fighting about?" Amanda asked as she pulled out her flashlight. She clicked it on and dug inside, seeing the wallet for herself just as he did earlier. Abandoned. The light went off and she put the bag back.

"Work," he rasped.

She arched her brow before staring at the staircase behind him. He knew instantly she was trying to come up with a polite way to ask if they could snoop around. This was after all, out of bounds for them. Olivia loved them both but she tended to keep everyone at arms length when it came to her personal life. Her husband and her home were off limits. Of course they'd been there before for dinners and birthdays, but they'd never been given the house tour, and they'd never been over without Olivia there to greet them.

"Right…" she said, slowly bringing her eyes back to him. "Well call us if you start to worry. We'll take a look around and see if there's something you missed."

David swallowed and grimaced. The taste like something toxic. As if something were dead or rotting inside him. He was going to be sick again.

"No." he said with finality. "Do it now." He wanted answers just as much as they did.

He watched them exchange a mutual look before leading them upstairs with his heart beating in his throat.

They noticed her office first. It was the room closest to the stair case as they ascended to the third floor. The French doors were open, the table he had kicked over peaking outside to see if help had come to aid it's very distressed position. The papers had begun to bleed into the hallway.

"You guys redecorating?" Sonny joked, though they both knew it was his polite way of saying, calling a red flag. Or yellow as he would label it with a sticky note.

"No." David answered mechanically. "I got frustrated looking for answers."

Sonny glared at him "Is that like a recurring thing, or-"

Amanda tapped his hand and gave him a look to kill the good cop, bad cop act. It was over kill. And he wasn't a suspect.

Yet.

He lead them to the kitchen and living room area.

"Ok so this is where you noticed things were off?" Amanda asked as she looked around with vigor. No doubt, approaching the rooms as if they were crime scenes. David hid his frustration over that. Olivia's blonde doting protégé was going to ransack their marriage. Move, pick, touch, change, every detail as if she were goldilocks trying to find the right spot.

"Yeah," he answered.

He watched her slip on a blue latex glove and sticky note the fireplace mantle, the glasses on the floor, moving from the living room to the kitchen in one fall swoop. She tacked one on the kitchen counter next to the sink, and then the broken fruit bowl shattered on the ground. Mentally taking a note of the disarray. To her it must've looked like a struggle occurred. Violence even. His insides moved. He wondered if she'd be able to tell what was part of a marriage and what was part of suspicion.

She pointed to the stair case that lead further upstairs and David nodded allowing her permission to go up. Fourth floor. The library, and the guest bedrooms.

"You like sailing?" Amanda quipped as she noticed the old maps and dozens of books on shipwrecks and sea adventures.

He shrugged. "I love the ocean."

A stark contrast from Olivia's books on feminism and the power of healing. She had dozens on the topic of psychology and female progression. Amanda picked up a book on William Marston the creator of Wonder Woman and later flipped through Gloria Steinem's biography. "You two seem like voracious readers."

They were.

Guest bedroom one. Clean. Vacant. Spotless. A bed and a private bathroom.

Fifth Floor. Another three guest bedrooms. Mostly clean. Quiet. Occupied mostly by their nieces. Stuffed animals, princess movies and text books were floating around in random places. Amanda opened the door on the third room.

The pillows were in a disarray. The wardrobe hung open and the bathroom light was still on.

"You guys have company?" Carisi asked.

"No. She's been having trouble sleeping and I have a couple of cases open in China. Sometimes work calls in the middle of the night. I sleep here so I don't wake her."

"Hm." Amanda mumbled. He hated the way she made him too aware of his own skin then. A husband and wife sleeping in separate beds screamed motive. The other two rooms were left alone after it became obvious they were occupied by his nieces.

Sixth floor. Master Bedroom. His & her walk-in closets. Master bath, and the adjoining bedroom down the hall.

"Nice place," Amanda commented as she saw their bedroom for the first time. Egyptian cotton sheets. Designer bedding and delicate curtains.

"Olivia designed everything."

The first few months after moving in had been absolute magic. Watching her do everything. Watching her make their house a home. She wanted everything to be vibrant, open and full of life. Her job could get so dark. The voices she heard were often boarded and shut out. She didn't want to come home to a place that was dark and closed in too.

He watched as Amanda's experienced latex hands went through their clothes, their medicine cabinet and their personals. Everything had passed except for the bathroom. She stuck a sticky note on the doorway and walked through to the next bedroom.

Flipping on the light Amanda stepped inside. The chandelier lit the room with a warm yellow glow.

"Let's do this in purple (for off limits)," Amanda said before leaving out the other entrance. Sonny closed the door behind them, stacking sticky notes on each door. Seventh floor. The Penthouse. They used it as a sun room mostly, but it doubled as a second library. His office was on the far end. There was an abundance of natural light coming in from the windows and the ceiling. The patio stemmed softly to overlook the backyard. There was nothing to see, but Amanda placed a final yellow sticky note on the banister before they made their way back down to the kitchen. She motioned for David to sit. "I don't mean to rush into anything," she said, methodically ripping off her glove. "But she's been targeted before and I want to get out in front of this thing in case it's serious."

"Of course."

"Is it alright if we tape you?" Carisi placed a recorder down in front of him. "It helps us so we don't ask the same questions twice." David stared at him.

"I know it's strange because you're family, but clearing you will help us officially look elsewhere." Amanda explained. "Right now it's just about the paperwork."

A muscle pulled in his jaw. "Alright."

"Ok so, walk me through it."

"It was around 6am. I woke up and I noticed she wasn't in the room with me. It wasn't unusual, she's usually up by then. She likes to start the coffee and use the gym on the 1st floor, but I don't know, it was quiet. When I came down to the kitchen and didn't hear anything, I assumed she was with you. Got called in and couldn't be bothered to let me know. Because of the fight I ignored it and went on with the rest of my morning. Sent some emails, pulled out a suit, and then came back down to eat. It was then, when I started to get a glass of juice, that I noticed her phone ringing. It was vibrating on the floor. I tried to answer it but I got to the phone too late. It locked on me."

"You don't know her password?" Amanda frowned, smiling when she said it. He knew she was judging him. He smiled back. Faintly. Sarcastically. Olivia taught her better than that. You never show anything on the face when you're taking a statement. It throws the entire confession off. If the person is lying and you have a look of understanding or compassion, they'll think they're doing a good job of concealing the truth from you and that will set you back, waste time, cost lives. If you appear to be aggressive or annoyed when interviewing a victim they may be too afraid to come forward because your demeanor will mirror too close to their abuser. Mock them, and they'll hate you. Judge them and you won't get anywhere.

David inhaled sharply. "No I don't. Comes with the job, no?" Baseline suspicion, he meant. He didn't take it personally. She was trained not to let anyone get too close

Amanda took Sonny by the arm. "Take a look downstairs at the gym and outback, see if you see any signs of a possible break in."

"That is an excellent idea."

Carisi nodded professionally and trotted downstairs out of listening range.

"So you saw the phone ring?" Amanda resumed once they were alone.

"Yeah it was on the floor on the other side of the island."

"That didn't ring any bells?"

"I thought maybe it had fallen out of her bag when she left this morning. I still believed she had gone in a rush. I set it aside on the table," he swallowed. "And then I went upstairs and took a shower-

"Hold that thought." Amanda said pinching her thumb and forefinger together. "Stay with me. You set her phone down on the table, what about the glasses and the picture frames. Did you notice any of that?"

"That was from last night."

She paused. It was slight. But she paused. "That's from the fight?"

"We said some things that we shouldn't have. She became upset with me and threw the glasses at me."

She arched her brow. Clearly impressed. "And the picture frames?"

"That was me. I did that when she left the room. The fruit bowl was this morning before the office."

"And you said this was over work?"

David swallowed. "She wanted to take some more time off, but I didn't think it was a good idea.." Another judgmental look had creeped onto the fine lines of Amanda's face. "She hasn't been well. We haven't…"

He added "we" for emphasis. It went with the whole sleeping in separate beds thing.

"What do you mean she wasn't well?" Amanda quipped, suddenly concerned.

"She has episodes. Comes and goes." That stopped her. He watched the gears wind up on her face as she took a moment to consider that. "I don't think she ever fully recovered from her attack." Amanda gave a knowing, solemn stare. Her blue eyes drowning in the memory as much as his were. She was there the night it happened.

She blinked. Cleared her throat, but it was obvious that she was struggling to conceal the sting in her eyes. "Then what happened?"

"When I came back down from the shower, I grabbed her phone. I planned on taking it to the precinct."

"Why didn't you?"

"That's when I noticed that she had left her keys, her wallet, and badge. Her car was still parked outside. At that point, I realized she couldn't have gone into work on her own and I started to assume that she had been picked up."

"Picked up?"

"I figured you, Alex or Casey had dropped her off at work. That she was too distraught to drive, and hadn't even realized she left her things."

"You said earlier that you were frustrated. What happened in her office? Why were you upset?"

"It was a late reaction to the note. When I saw her things still here I panicked. The worry kicked in. I exploded. To me it felt like she left them to make a point. I was very vocal about why I didn't want her to go back, and I thought she had gone anyway. Someplace where she knew I wouldn't be able to find her."

"What did you do after the episode in her office?"

"I called Alex and Casey."

"What time was this?"

"Probably around 7:30 am."

"Did they have any information?"

"No. So I called the hotels and major train stations-

"Did you have a reason to believe she was running?"

She had every right to.

"With the fight, it crossed my mind."

Amanda nodded. "What happened next?"

"Making the inquiries took some time. After I finished up I went into work. I got there around 1pm in the afternoon. I met with my partner. We spoke for about 20 minutes, and then I spoke with Alex Cabot again. She had been in a rush earlier, so we regrouped and spoke more in depth. After that, I decided to come home, but I ended up driving to The Hamptons. Alex, and Olivia and I have homes up there. I thought that if she did run, she might have gone there to clear her head. Get away. Put some distance between us. Which was fine. I just wanted to know that she was alright."

"And she wasn't there?"

"No. She wasn't. I waited around for a few hours hoping she'd show up but she never did."

"Did anyone see you while you were in The Hamptons? Did you talk to anyone?"

"Lucy. We hired her to look after the place when we're not there. Olivia and I like to drive up spontaneously. Lucy stocks the house, makes sure there's food, the doors are locked, the stove is off. When it started to get late, I got back in the car and drove back to the city. I got back about an hour ago."

"Why didn't you call us?"

"I planned to but you guys beat me to it."

Amanda noted that down.

"Did Olivia have any friends here in the neighborhood? Someone she might've invited over for a cocktail or small dinner."

"You know Liv, she keeps to herself mostly."

"Right….Ok well we're going to do a sweep. Do you have a place to stay tonight? Or?"

"Our old condo is still vacant."

"Great. I'll let you know if anything comes up, and we'll be out of your hair as soon we get something to lead on. Just then two cops David had never seen before came up the stairs. "Officer Warren and Detective Reese are going to take you down to the precinct and get you swabbed."

"Hey." Carisi said, coming up behind them. "You've got cameras. Why didn't you say anything?"

He swallowed thickly. "They don't work," he replied.

The ride over to the precinct was difficult. He had been there hundreds of times, but never as the subject called into question. As they drove away from the quiet residential street of his home, more cop cars pulled up behind him and the feeling that something was rotting in his stomach returned.

Warren and Reese left him as soon as they got to the 1-6. Neither had said a word to him the entire ride over. They just put him in a conference room, and closed the door. It was a much warmer setting than an interrogation room, he realized. An obvious perk to being married to Olivia. There was a couch, a coffee table, even magazines to flip through. He clenched the fabric in his hand, his eyes widening as he looked down at his white knuckled fists. He forgot completely to put her jacket down. He still had it with him. He brought it to his lips. Inhaled. Willed himself not to move. To pretend to be calm. Smelling her as if she were there in the room with him put the strength of God in him.

There was a knock on the door before it swung open and Fin walked in. His expression suddenly shifted immediately at the sight of his wife's longest and truest friend. He was like a dog. Obedient. Loyal. Did what she wanted, how she wanted it done. On the field he was joined to her by the hip and in his eyes she could do no wrong. He was her fail safe and extremely valuable in her life.

"David. What's happening?" He asked.

They embraced.

"I don't know Fin. She's just gone."

"Amanda and Carisi just filled me in. I'm gonna run over, see if I can pick up anything up as soon as we're done here."

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "Thank you. I appreciate it. There's no one else we trust more."

Fin nodded. His face expressionless and yet completely understanding at the same time. "Alright so let's get you squared away with those tests."

He motioned for a CSI examiner to come in.

More blue latex gloves.

"You know, I've gotta tell you. I've known Liv a long time. This whole thing just feels weird to me. It's completely out of character. Wouldn't you agree?"

No. He didn't, David thought sorrowfully. Olivia was all heartbreak and indecision. Impulse. Mania. She'd been unpredictable for months, struggling to get her balance. Struggling to repair the damage between them. Nothing about this situation surprised him at all, except for the fact that it was happening. But of course, he was speaking about the woman he married. He imagined Olivia was a completely different person at work. He imagined she was still the same, strong, willful, independent woman he fell in love with four years ago. A stunt like this would've been out of character for that Olivia. But the woman she'd become these last few months….

"Honestly? I don't know anymore."

His jaw thickened as the examiner scraped underneath his nails.

"You guys have been at the new place what? 3 years?"

The new place. Everyone called it that. Moving Olivia from lower Manhattan to a multi million dollar town home had been the envy of the whole precinct. A completely different setting from the small two bedroom apartment she used to have. It was the talk of the squad for two years. People Olivia hadn't even worked with asked "When are you going to invite us to the new place?"

"Yeah. It was my wedding present."

"Did she ever talk to anyone? Have any friends? Frequent any places where she may have picked up an admirer?"

"I'm going to need you to open your mouth," the examiner said quietly.

He did and felt the cotton swab scrape gently against his cheek.

In the bag it went with the rest of his DNA.

"No. She didn't go out much. She comes into work puts in her hours and comes home. She hangs out with Casey Novak and Alex Cabot from time to time but it's rare," David explained as his fingers were pressed in ink and paper.

Fin didn't need to interrogate further on that.

"Let me ask you a question. What do you think happened to her?"

"Well we got into an argument last night about work. Things got out of control."

It was the third time he told that lie.

"How so?"

"She threw a glass at me. Two actually."

Fin had a smile on him that echoed Amanda's earlier expression. It was all Humor. Pride.

"She's a loose canon. We been knew that…." He chuckled. "So this fight didn't go well?"

"No. I thought this morning was her leaving me, but I couldn't shake a feeling."

"Because of the note?" Fin added.

He nodded mechanically

"You should'a called."

"I wanted to. I just didn't want anyone to worry. Worst case scenario she would've come home tonight and we would've gone on with our lives. I thought maybe she just wanted some space. Then Amanda and Carisi showed up-

"Why don't you check for gun shot residue." Fin instructed the examiner.

David tensed. "You think she was shot?"

"Take it easy," Fin said grabbing his shoulder. "It's just for the paper work. When this case gets filed, IAB's gonna want to see that we crossed every P and Q. Relax."

Paper work.

Amanda had said the same thing.

"Did they check your car?"

"No," David growled, pulling his hands away as soon as the test was done.

"We're going to need to check that too."

The examiner left the room and David could see Olivia's desk from where he was sitting. "Of course..." He heard himself say. "Whatever you need."

"Do you need a ride to the place you're staying at?"

He stood up crossed the room. "No. I'll be fine. Just…" Her desk was neatly kept. The light was off but even he could see their wedding picture, the one he broke, was on her desk. Case files stacked high on one side. Her pens bunched in a coffee mug. Everything still and perfect. So different from their marriage. "Just let me know if you hear anything," he said finally and walked out.

Back at the house Amanda and Carisi had the place on lock down. Squad cars were parked up and down the block. The street was cut off. And against the brownstones were the dancing shadows of red and blue lights.

Inside they were up in the master bathroom. "Is this what you were talking about?" Carisi asked as he held up the empty Pregnancy test over the trash can.

Amanda saw and motioned for him to come closer so no one else could hear. Olivia's disappearance was an investigation but she was determined to keep her private life private. "Do you think she was pregnant?" Carisi whispered.

Amanda shrugged unsure of whether to be happy or worried about the news. "I found prenatal vitamins in the kitchen. Was there a test? Was it positive?"

"No. Empty box. Do you think he knew?"

"He didn't mention it. When your wife goes missing, you worry. But when it's your wife _and your child_." Her head inclined inwards. "Either he didn't care or he didn't know. I'd like to keep it on the latter. And that's between us and Fin. I don't want to hassle him about it until we know more."

"Rollins, Carisi." Melinda called out as she approached them from the doorway. "You were right. That was blood on the kitchen counter. The guys downstairs want to know if you want to do a luminol sweep."

"Floor to ceiling." Carisi ordered. "And one more thing before you go." Carisi motioned for her to come into their circle. He lowered his voice. "We found evidence that suggests, Liv might be pregnant. We don't know for sure."

Melinda paused. Her eyes widening in distress. "I'll run the tests myself," she said, giving a worrisome look before heading back down stairs.

Amanda swayed. "Hey. Are you alright?" He asked, grabbing her shoulder when Melinda left.

"I just-" Amanda started. "None of this- none of this makes sense."

Her emotional state had taken her by surprise. It wasn't like Liv to just disappear. She wouldn't put her squad through something so traumatic. Even if she didn't feel the need to tell everyone her business or exact whereabouts, a simple text to Fin would've been enough to keep things right in their world. She knew she had to keep it together but inside she was falling apart. She'd been working at SVU for seven years now. Walking into a crime scene she knew when things were off. She could tell something was wrong. She just couldn't stomach that it had anything to do with Olivia. Her teacher. Her friend. The woman who in the last seven years had been more a mother and sister to her than her own flesh and blood. She hated this. She hated every moment of it. She needed answers, and she needed to know that Olivia was ok.

"Come here," Carisi said, pulling her into his arms. "She's going to be alright." She melted into his arms desperate for a moment of peace.

"Rollins!"

She winced in his arms before pulling away. She walked out into the hallway and peered over the steps. Four floors down a cop waved at her. "Got a neighbor down here, says she knows the lady in question!"

They both hurried down and came face to face with an older white woman. She was eccentric. Classy. Thin smile, but very kind eyes. She was very old fashioned. The type to wear pearls around the neck for no point at all and she had an air about her that was graceful, but by the faint smell of whiskey and the cigarette in hand told them she was anything but. She had a rosy vibrant color in her cheeks. Dirty blonde, curled, pinup hair and she wore a floral dress. She looked like something out of an old movie. A fairy godmother, a good witch, a famous theatre actress from broadway.

"Hi," Amanda smiled offering her hand. "I'm detective Rollins, this is my partner Detective Carisi. I understand you have some information about our friend?"

"Yes, hello" She offered her hand. Fine southern accent. Proper. Sounded Louisiana. "I'm Annalise Simmons. I live just next door."

"Oh." Amanda exclaimed. "Please come in." They sat together in Olivia's sitting room.

"Of course you can imagine, all the activity gave me quite a scare. Olivia is alright isn't she?"

"We don't know." Amanda answered honestly.

Annalise held her eye and her smile. "I see…" Annalise said quietly. "Have you spoken to the husband? David?"

"Yes. They're friends of ours." Amanda explained.

"Well this must be very difficult for you two. I'm terribly sorry."

"Me too," Carisi pushed a plastic bag in front of her. She gave the cigarette another drag before dropping it in. "Any information you have would help us, Annalise." He pressed.

"Did you see Olivia at all today?" Amanda asked.

"No. I haven't seen her since Sunday. Not unusual. She hardly ever leaves this place. She's like a child. You have to persuade her with something worth while to get her to leave."

"Did you?" Carisi asked.

"Of course. We were sweet on one another. She's my Tulip." Amanda flinched. David said she didn't have any friends. "She would come over, Olivia and I would have tea. She would just interrogate me over my roses! Oh, she loved my roses…You know I was the one who planted the tree upstairs after her attack? It was a really terrible time for everyone…."

"How did you and Olivia meet?" Carisi asked.

"I was out front gardening and Olivia had caught sight of the blooms. We talked some. She is an exceptionally intelligent woman - first I'd come across in years. And so beautiful. I remember thinking to myself, how could someone so beautiful look so god damned depressed, and then she turned to the light and I saw the bruises."

"Bruises?" Carisi echoed.

"Yes well she's a cop isn't she?"

Carisi softened. She had a point. They could've come from anywhere. But Amanda was less persuaded.

"Why didn't you say anything? Did you ever ask her about them?" Amanda pressed.

"Of course. She would just say it was her husband if you know what I mean. I couldn't blame her. He's a handsome one. We'd talk about him too. David is a fine man. A fine man if I ever saw one. The other ones, I gathered were from the job. I never pressed though, I had the feeling she didn't like to talk about work."

"Annalise, could you please excuse us for a moment?" Amanda croaked. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. She stood up and walked further into the house where Olivia and David had a formal dining room. Carisi was hot on her heels.

"You don't think…" He started.

Rollins shrugged. She needed a drink. Water. Alcohol. She had a raging migraine. "I don't know what I think."

David. The most protective man she knew. The most loving man she knew. Had a never before seen temper. A violent one. They found blood. Olivia was missing. It was possible she was carrying a child, and now there was suspected abuse. She felt the blood rush and swell to her nose.

"We can't just ignore what she's saying to us," he seethed. No. They couldn't. Amanda looked up at him, unable to handle another moving part from this investigation.

"Hey Annalise?" Amanda said coming back to join her in the sitting room. "Did you see where the bruises were on her body?

"Oh her wrists mostly. Sometimes near her neck."

Just then Fin appeared at Carisi's side. "That sound like abuse to you?" Carisi asked him.

Fin was silent.

Back at the precinct things started to unfold. Amanda stared at the clock as she held an ice pack over her head. It was 11:30pm and they were all huddled at the white board. Anxious. Sick to their stomachs.

"So what do we know?" Fin started.

"The evidence is there," Amanda said, dragging her eyes from the ceiling to sit up. "I just don't see Olivia being the kind of woman to be in an abusive relationship. She talks to women about this everyday. She knows better than anyone what to look for, how to defend herself. How to leave. This just doesn't make sense."

"Maybe she was just too emotionally involved to fight back. Liv loved David."

Amanda scoffed, "Well if she was I'm going to nail that son of a bitch to a wall and feed him his balls for dinner. And please," she said sitting up for a glass of water. "Let's not talk about her in the past tense."

Carisi came to the table with a slice a pizza hanging out of his mouth. "Did she mention anything in the diary about it?

"What diary?" Amana quipped. "I didn't hear anything about a diary."

"Yeah. CSU found it in the sunroom on the 6th floor. I got a few pages in but I stopped. Lot of sex stuff. I put it down when she started talking about her desk on Christmas."

Fin frowned in disgust before his face dropped. "I don't even want to know," he mumbled.

Carisi took another bite out of his pizza. "You really don't. I stopped. It was too personal."

"Yeah fuck that. I'm not…" Fin put up his hands.

"Great. So I guess that means it's on me," Amanda rolled her eyes.

Carisi flipped his hand from his waist. "It's on your desk. I thought you saw it."

"Alright before you go Rollins, let's call Elana Barth down here see if we can keep him from leaving the country." Fin suggested.

"On what grounds?" Carisi flexed.

"It's Liv. Isn't that enough? His potentially pregnant wife is missing. We found her blood at the house. Her blood under his finger nails. And we got a neighbor saying he abused her." Fin stated.

"So you think he hurt her?" Carisi chewed.

"I think Olivia's a cop. She knows self defense and she is licensed to carry a fire arm at home. I'm not ruling out the evidence but it feels more like space travel to me. She could've left in her own free will. The note says as much. And If she doesn't want to be found, we're not going to find her. Leaving her essentials could've just been her leaving a message to us saying she doesn't want to be bothered. Either way, whether it was malice or intent, things between Liv and David obviously weren't as good as we thought they were. I don't know what happened in that kitchen but let's try and get him out of the way as much as we can. If we do that, maybe she'll come home."

"If he was abusing her, you think he had anything to do with her attack?"

Fin and Amanda exchange a look.

Amanda held up her diary from her desk. "Let's find out."


	4. Committed

Then

 _August 2015_

Olivia fucking Benson was finally fucking married.

That's right. After thirteen years on the job she'd finally met the man of her dreams. He was a lawyer from upstate New York. Private, influential type.

They met on a case going up against a military CEO. He was nice enough but she'd rejected him at first. Hooking up with someone on the job was a tough act to pull and she hadn't been successful in that pursuit before. Why would now be any different? Not to mention, with her ten plus years of experience, everything had told her, and told her, that lawyers can't be trusted. That they're slimy, egotistical, monetizing, criminal loving, whores. He may have been soft on the eyes and easy on the tongue, but surely down the road he would turn out to be like all the other DAs that walked through the precinct. Insensitive. Disbelieving. A bully. The work would frustrate him because it wasn't clean and neat like homicide cases were or fraud. She'd be spending most of her time teaching him, training him on how things were done at SVU. And even if he caught on that there were no perfect witnesses, that the cases weren't always black and white, he'd still blurt out some archaic, patriarchal bullshit about a women's place or her appearance. He would still find some electrical socket to stick his dick into and start preaching about how the man isn't at fault or how the child should've spoken up sooner.

She anticipated that day.

So you can imagine her surprise when he quickly made a point to say that she'd be waiting a long time.

And that despite his profession he was a deeply compassionate man.

She laughed every time that word came to mind when she thought of him. Compassionate lawyer was an oxymoron.

He was though. David was brutally ruthless when it came to justice and brutally passionate about truth. And honestly, he had every luxury to be that way. He was a private attorney, so he only took on cases that mattered to him- which were of a delicate select few. Most of his work was humanitarian, but he had a thick name in business and was wildly successful. Queue the headline.

Wall Street's most sought after lawyer marries humble NYC Detective. It was a fairy tale from beginning to end. They met and worked together for six months, then dated for a year before he proposed that spring. Every moment had been blissfully perfect up until that day, so of course she said yes.

How could she not? He was everything she'd ever wanted, plus some. Protective. Possessive. Handsome and strong. Tender and loving, and oh so _compassionate_. She wanted for nothing. In all the months they were together, he never made her feel unsafe, unloved, unworthy or uncomfortable. He smothered her in what she'd been craving all her life. The gift of loving and being loved in return, which she had to say was incredibly refreshing. She didn't think she'd ever tire of it, and lucky for her, she'd have the rest of her life to find out.

They wed a few days ago at a private chateaux in France. It was a small wedding. His family, and a very select few of their friends. And when it was over, they stayed the weekend before flying back to New York to resume work. No honeymoon. David knew her job was important to her, and that she wasn't able to emotionally leave it for longer than a week so they opted for an exceptional 3 day weekend to commence an exceptional marriage.

They'd been together for almost two years now, and were married for just two weeks. It was strange. Every morning she wanted to pinch herself. She kept waiting for the axe to drop but it never did. This was her life. With him. With David. And he was perfect. Everything had been perfect since meeting him.

She couldn't recall a time in her life when she'd been happier. They just fit so perfectly together. They were in sync about everything, and he was so supportive of her work at SVU. Which was again, rare. Especially for a lawyer. Like she said, special victims cases are the most murky in his line of business, but he supported every move she made. He understood without question that in cases of rape, it's the only crime that you have to prove happened, and it's the only crime that calls the victim into question. No one asks for proof if a purse gets stolen, or if a house get's broken into. They don't say to the old lady on the street, "You shouldn't have been wearing that bag, it's too flashy." Or forces a homeowner to prove they've been robbed. No one asks for evidence in either of these cases. But at SVU? Entirely different story. Judges, juries, they want evidence that a rape has occurred, but don't understand that the victim is the evidence. David did. David defended that with his life.

And she loved him so much more for it. It made their union sweeter. She trusted him more. Was vulnerable more. And when they worked together, she liked to think they were like Wonder Woman and Superman. Childish and fanatical she knew, but she hadn't been the one to coin the phrase. The New York Times published an article on them to commence their engagement and referred to them as such. She'd be lying if she said that she minded. She was proud of the work they'd done together, and so it would seem, the city of New York was too. They were actively changing and engineering a conversation together, and it was honest and organic.

Not to mention, on a more intimate note, David was extremely private, and completely unattainable. There were no shady deals under the table with him, no suspicious friends in his closet or stains on his record. He was a clean, respectable, good guy. A decent example of the model man she tried to stress was important for people to see. Especially the youth. She saw so many young guys come in and out of the precinct that were steered into the wrong direction simply because they didn't have an example. Didn't have guidance. Didn't have a clue that their behavior wasn't normal.

And David showed face for it all. He fought for them. Stood up for them. They'd even been able to save a few, she reflected proudly.

But for all his efforts she found him insanely attractive.

Love didn't even begin to cover what she felt for him. And if her body were in any position to give an explanation it would say the same. On top of his A plus character he was an insanely good lover. The best she'd ever had. Period. He knew her body so intimately, so perfectly, that even when they were fucking, he was making love. She bit her lip to keep from thinking about that morning. Her pussy was still slick with all that he gave her and she could feel it every time she moved.

God, she couldn't wait until he was inside her again. She always felt so empty without him, she thought as she applied lip gloss.

His love was everything. His kiss was everything. Warm. Reassuring. It claimed her, possessed her. Seemed to promise irrefutable protection and undying love. And heavy on his tongue was so much lust and hunger for more that they usually were unable to keep their hands off each other. He was intoxicating to the point where she couldn't even think straight. Standing in his arms, she felt more safe and at home than she had with anyone in her life.

It was almost difficult to accept at first.

She spent so many months trying to heal and guard herself after Elliot, a man she knew for 13 years, and yet she was ready to give David almost everything, every part of her, after knowing him for only a few weeks time. He had that kind of affect on her.

And the best part about him?

She didn't have to share him. He was hers. All of him. No wife. No kids. No horny fucking widow that couldn't keep her legs closed to solve a case. Just him and her.

 _Mine alone_ , she thought.

It made being with him all the more easier.

Months into their relationship when they finally made love, she remembered tracing the lines of his face after. His three day shadow kissing her thumb as he slept.

She could barely move she was so sore. He was _very_ well endowed, to the point where she was sure he'd ruined her for any other man. It took her a couple of tries to get all of him inside her, but before the night was through, she succeeded. Everything hurt. Her wrists, the palms of her hands, the back of her thighs, her breasts, her toes and chin. Her mouth. She had leaned in and kissed his lips before hugging the sheets tighter around her body. Even that physically hurt. She'd never felt anything like it in her life. They started and hadn't stopped until she couldn't take anymore. The sheets had been drenched in their sex and sweat.

As if he knew that she was up reflecting on what happened the night before, she felt his big arms come around her and hug her into the warmth of his skin. Her eyes closed immediately, her muscles embracing the relief. He kissed her head in-between her hair.

"Don't leave," he'd rasped.

That had been the sweetest part, she thought. She was sure he was going to ask her to go, or worse, that she would want to, but everything had felt so incredibly right.

And she had kissed him again. "I can't believe we waited so long to do this."

The first night they attempted to make love, he could see it in her eyes that she wasn't ready. Hated that she thought the act was all about pleasing him.

In truth, she hadn't known any better.

Brian liked it that way. Ed. Elliot. Kurt. Dean. Bobby (her mother's student). It was the only way she knew how to perform.

David was the only person who made it a point to change all of that. They were going to wait until she learned to trust him. Until she truly wanted to be with him because it was what she wanted. Not him.

"I don't want what all the men had before me. I don't want the same things. I don't want a woman who isn't really there. If you're going to be with me, I want to be with you. The real you. I want to know the woman I'm inside." He said.

So they waited. And it had been so worth it. He gave her time to get used to his touch, to trust him, to want sex before they fell into anything serious. She needed that. The space to figure out who she was, what she wanted, if she even really wanted to be with him or just get off.

And when she finally knew, they did it, and they went on like that for weeks. She kept expecting it to die down. For the passion, the excitement, the newness to fade away, but every time he was inside of her, she felt whole in ways that she'd never felt in her entire life. She never wanted it to end. She never wanted it to stop. He was made for her.

And he felt that she was made for him.

To prove it, he went all out for their sixth month anniversary. Dumplings in chinatown? Nope. His and her matching expensive jewelry? Nope. A day of uninterrupted sex? Nope. A six day trip around Europe for every month they'd been together? Bingo. They took a train from London to Paris, to Italy. They saw an opera, ate pasta, drank so much wine, made memories. And on the last day he took her to Marseille and made love to her in a car on a beach. It was the best week of her life.

And now, as she gazed out the window, a warm smile tugging her lips, she was beginning the best marriage.

If she were truthful, she could gloat about him all day, but she honestly didn't have the time.

She pulled on a black trench coat in the walk in closet she and David shared together and rushed anxiously to the elevator to meet her husband downstairs.

 _Husband._

She'd never get tired of saying that word. Of owning it. She stared down at the diamond sparkling on her finger and felt herself go tense. Once again waiting for the giant axe to drop. She just couldn't get over the fact that it was real. All of it.

The doorman led her out to the curb as she exited the luxury condominium building they owned, and escorted her to the black car where David, no doubt was waiting behind the steering wheel.

Dressed neatly in all black, she looked at him as she got into the car and felt his presence deep in her center. His dark eyes were carnal and hungry but they were always so mild with her. They were like two spheres of coal promising intangible satisfaction. She got lost in them.

Every.

Single.

Time.

She felt his hand against her cheek, before he leaned in and kissed her. "You look beautiful," he smiled warmly. A stark sense of pride in his eyes.

Olivia kissed him again. He made her feel beautiful.

"Thank you," she whispered against his lips. "Where are you taking me?"

"Buckle up. It's a surprise."

The car pulled off into traffic and she sat there in deep anticipation. She stared at all the lights, counting them, trying desperately to calm her libido. But it was hard. David's hand was locked with hers and the heat his body seemed to naturally give off when they were together, matched too closely to the warmth her body would feel when he came inside her. TMI? She couldn't help it. She was obsessed with the sex they'd been having. Everything was so much sweeter now that they were married. Making love with him had a security and a safety to it that made being with him so wonderfully beautiful.

She felt him raise her hand and kiss it, just as she turned to look at him.

"I still can't get over it." he said.

"What?"

"You and me. Together. I can't believe I married you. I can't believe you're my wife. I married the woman of my dreams. The love of my life. How many people can say that?"

"I count for one," she smiled at him.

He was perfect in every way. He was. He really was.

She knew it was a rhetorical statement. No one's perfect but David came pretty close.

And he showed up just in time.

When she finally did let her guard down she remembered looking into his eyes, and feeling the world fall out from under her. With Elliot gone, her other relationships failed and out of her system, she thought that for the first time in her life she'd be able to put herself first. Taking on another relationship was suicide at the time. She had only days before gotten used to the idea that for the first time she'd be able to live for herself. She was looking forward to practicing self love, self care. Choosing herself. Putting herself first for once before another persons needs. Another man's needs.

But the night he kissed her, fate had other plans.

She fell in love blindly and completely. Without reservation.

She wanted to roll down the window and enjoy a good lungful of that New York air. The glorious cloud-wisped sky, the end of summer breeze in the distance, but they were slowing down.

She stole a look at the driver.

He was completely at ease which was a wonder because he usually looked so angry and protective. He had a naturally intimidating body language, but just then he was completely open.

Deep in thought, she absently ran her thumb over his hand clasped with hers.

"What are you thinking?"

David glanced at her. "How much I love you."

She didn't doubt it. He worshipped her. Even when she was wrong. Even when she was sloppy and unkept. If he wasn't so damn successful, if he were an average man, she imagined that loving her would be all he had. He told her once that she was a science to him. That he liked to study her. It creeped her out at first, but then she realized that she had a listener. No one had ever listened to her the way he listened. No one ever cared. If she said she didn't like a restaurant because the sandwiches were always soggy, they never went there again. If she fell in love with a show on broadway, he always made sure she had tickets in case she wanted to see the show that night. (She'd been to see Hamilton seventeen times.) And let's not forget that time she asked for french fries so he flew her to Paris to go get them.

She stared at him, anxious to find out what he planned on doing now. Before she could guess they turned down an unfamiliar residential street, and parked in front of a townhouse.

"Where are we?" She frowned, looking for the street sign.

"Upper West Side," he answered, pulling out his key.

"Does somebody live here?"

"We do."

Olivia tore her eyes from the house and looked back at David. He smiled down at her. His masculine face still hard as ever but his eyes as warm as his heart. He was serious she realized.

They both got out of the car, and stood in front of the townhouse side by side. Nestled in between a cherry blossom tree and gorgeously potted greenery, was a seven story brownstone, sweetly lit up in the night.

Olivia felt the air escape her lungs. _This man_.

"Do you like it?" He asked coming behind her to hold her in his arms. "You didn't want a honeymoon. So I thought how about a home."

A home Olivia blinked. Her mouth agape. Her brows furrowed in disbelief.

"It's yours. All of it," he whispered as he kissed her, surprised to find tears on his lips.

"What's wrong? Don't you want it?"

 _She did want it_.

A home.

The first home she'd be living in since growing up with her mother, and even that didn't hold up to par. She lived in a house. One that she didn't like to think about. Ever.

But this?

This was the real deal. For the first time in over twenty years she was going to get her mail through a mailbox instead of a PO or a mail room…

"If you don't like it, we can go home and you can pick out anything you want. Another condo, another townhouse…"

"No," she said, the tears running down her cheek as she turned to look at him. "It's perfect. I love it," she kissed him, smiling in his arms.

"Then what's wrong _cuore mio_?" He rubbed their noses together. "Tell me."

Could her life be this perfect? Would she really get everything she'd always wanted?

She trembled to think it.

She had planned on having this conversation later but with the house her heart was working overtime.

" _I want something else too_."

David came around to face her. Trying his best to thumb away her tears. "What is it? Whatever you want. I'll give it to you. I swear it." He kissed her again, in a rash attempt to make her feel safe. Secure. Confident. Eager to breathe the strength back into her.

She felt her heart stutter, but he knew how to hold her. He knew how to love her. He knew she'd been hurt before. He knew she'd been wounded. And through it all he was her healer. Her protector. Her provider.

And he was a great one.

She wanted to celebrate that. She wanted to celebrate him.

He held her in his strong arms waiting for an answer. " _Cara?"_

She smiled up at him behind the tears streaming down her face.

"Let's make a baby," she whispered. "I want to carry your child inside me."

He flashed his biggest smile down at her and those dark eyes that she loved so much grew heavy with hunger. "Hm." He sounded, curling a strand of her hair around her face before tucking it behind her ear. He kissed her, putting the warmth in her skin again. "Ok." he said to her lips.

Olivia's heart pounded. Pounded so hard she could barely hear anything. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he grinned.

After he'd lead her inside before picking her up in his arms and carrying her upstairs to their new room. All they had was a mattress in the middle of the floor but it was enough for them. They peeled off each others clothes and then at last he spread her legs and stretched her again. The feeling of wholeness so wonderful that she was quick to orgasm. They made love all night and when she couldn't take anymore, David alternated between stroking her hair and kissing her lips until she fell asleep. The last thing she felt was his seed leaking out of her.


	5. Growing Stronger

_Then_

 _August 2015 (Continued)_

She was coming so hard that her body physically pushed him out. He gave her a second's rest enjoying the feel of her juices splashing against him, rubbing his dick on top her engorged pussy before driving back in and letting her ride out the rest of her orgasm.

"Cum for me again. Cum all over my cock baby." David demanded, pounding into her harder, deeper, thrusting inside her to the hilt. He pulled her face up to him with the strands of her hair. His dick slamming against the walls of her cervix, while her legs and breasts were locked around him.

He had been on her like crazy ever since she'd asked to get pregnant. He wouldn't even let her rest! They had a pretty active sex like before, but this was so much more than she'd ever expected. It was ownership. Claiming. Taking. Giving. Promising. She loved every moment of it. He made her feel like he couldn't exist without her.

Olivia moved her hips against him. "Right there," she sobbed against his lips. Kissing him softly. "Right there." He was hitting her g-spot so magnificently that she was quite literally choked up.

She screamed again, feeling her body spurt more between them. _"Oh my fucking- fuck Olivia!"_

Her body was tremmoring. Her thighs quaking around his. She was all moans. Planting them, embedding them into his memory.

He let her body go, letting her limbs relax for once. Forcing himself to go slow now. She was too sensitive. Their eyes were locked on another as she hummed, rolling her head back loving the stretch inside her. She focused on the sensations, he was giving her. Everything, all of it, so perfect.

He thrusted into her, moving her whole body against the bed, kissing her hard, before pulling her breasts into his mouth. Sucking and kissing her nipples for all they were worth!

It was too much for Olivia though. All that combined with the feeling of him hitting her clit, her juicy pussy kissing his skin with every thrust, sent her over the edge.

"David! I'm cum- I'm coming!" She moaned, weeping it came so good. And he was the same, crying out above her. Pushing through her contractions until he had bottomed out, coming deep inside her while she milked him for the last time. She was panting beneath him. Shaking. Trembling. She relaxed her muscles feeling satiated before dropping, heavily into the bed.

David fell with her, nuzzling their noses together, rocking gently inside her, breathing hard feeling the last of him drain out. Not that she could hold anymore of him. His cum started dripping out of her three orgasms ago.

She held him close though, planting soft kisses all over his face. Before resting her head against his chin. They had been at it all night from the moment she walked through the door after work.

She felt him slide the hair off her forehead, freeing it from the sweat of her skin. Her eyes closed instantly in the intimacy of the moment. Exhaustion taking over quickly as he kissed her forehead before rolling them over so they were side by side. She was grateful David was so strong, that he could coddle her and switch positions without leaving her body.

They were face to face in bed. Her eyes were closed and he was still resting deep inside her whispering how much he loved her in Italian.

 _"Ti voglio sempre al mio fianco. Sono innamorata di te. Se il grande amore della mia vita. Sei tutto per me. Sei lunica per me. Ti amo…."_

Over and over again.

There was nothing like it. She felt so safe wrapped up in his arms. There was no place she'd rather be, and no one she'd rather be with. In fact in that moment she was so happy that her eyes began to water, and she started crying silently. And he was right there kissing away every tear.

" _Cosa c'è non va?_ Are you in pain? Did I hurt you?"

That was a real concern.

David was huge. Really huge. And they often liked to do it rough.

It took her a minute to find the words. He had begun to hurt her an hour ago when he was pummeling inside her so deep, so hard, that she thought she was going to pass out. It was a good hurt though. She wanted it. She loved it. Now she was intoxicated with bliss. What were the words that would make him understand that? Lying there, so full of him.

"I'm just so happy!" She whispered, pecking the mount of his hand as it passed her lips.

And truthfully, happy didn't begin to cover all that she was feeling. She was married. A wife. Living in her own home. Trying for a baby. Before David, she would never in a million years think any of that was remotely possible. Not for her anyways. Not for Olivia Benson. Her life couldn't be so perfect. She always came up short. Was never enough. Never good enough. Never worthy enough to have what everyone else had. But then David came and changed all of that. He loved her so much, she could feel it every time they were together. Her body would just go warm. He nurtured her. Took care of her. He saw the beauty in broken. Embarking on a life with him, was her dream. He was her everything.

She couldn't wait to have his baby.

"That's all I want," he told her quietly as he kissed her forehead and drew his fingers through her hair. Her eyes opened softly and she looked down at her torso, stroking the ridge between her hip and her abdomen. Her insides were tender, but she hoped desperately something would take.

"I can't stop waiting for something to happen."

David grinned, starting to laugh too, covering her hand and holding it still with his own. "Don't rush it. Good things take time, Liv."

She hugged him kissing the skin on his chest as she came down from her libido. Their children would be the stars in his heaven, she knew.

"I know but I've wanted for this for so long David," she murmured.

He hugged her and kissed her again "You?" He asked studying her face. His thumb rubbing against her lips. His favorite part of her. "I've been waiting for this moment since the day I met you. The only thing I've ever wanted more than having you as my wife, was for my child to grow inside you. It's going to happen soon. I know it." He said against her lips. Olivia closed her eyes again and soaked in his words.

She leaned forward and kissed him.

 _Soon_ , she repeated internally.

She had to admit, the best part about her coming pregnancy was David's desire to make sure it happened. The night he brought her to the house and she asked him for a baby, he bared all. Their love making had always been incredible- beyond, but that night he became different with her. That night he surrendered to her completely. And she to him. He wanted a baby almost as much as she did. Maybe even more, which had shocked her.

They spoke about having kids before the wedding, and again around the time he proposed, but it was all so casual. And she never stressed. She wasn't ready around the time they met. She was too afraid to want it and to no fault of his she just didn't trust him at that stage of their relationship. Now they talked about it all the time.

"Why do you think I bought such a big a house?" He asked her one night over take out.

She hopped on him after. Filled with too much happiness not to. The joy she got knowing he wanted a baby with her, knowing he wanted to have a family with her, was worth all the love in the world.

She'd been with men who led her on, only to find out they didn't want those things with her. And she lost a piece of herself each time.

Now David was working tirelessly to put her back together.

"I love you, Olivia," he whispered as she laid in his arms.

"I love you too, baby," she whispered back. Content enough to fall asleep.

When she woke a few hours later, it was well after noon and she had an insatiable appetite. And after a long hot bath they agreed to go out and have lunch together.

"So how's it going with the Melfi case?"

She shrugged. Ate some more fries. "We'll see. The kid comes from a rich family. The reports from the other frat kids nail him but he's denying ever being there. And while they all say that he's the one that orchestrated it, none of them will testify to seeing him there."

"What about the victim?"

"He's traumatized, afraid, abused. He's in real bad shape. And out of all of his abusers he's the most afraid of Melfi. Amanda went on campus and asked some of his classmates if they'd noticed anything prior, and several say that Melfi was frequently with the victim."

"With him? With him how?" David frowned.

"Well no one wanted to call them friends. Some said they thought it was odd that Melfi even hung out with the kid. They're on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. He's loaded, private education his entire life, vacations in Ibiza for spring break, tours across Europe in the summer. Meanwhile the victim's on welfare. He got into Hudson on an academic scholarship. No father. No mother. He lives with his aunt in Bedstuy."

"Picked from a broken down home. That's original." He said looking at her. "He sounds like he could be perfect for the boys and men project we've been talking about."

"We'll see. I think he has a long way to go before he feels comfortable enough to talk about his assault and start helping other people. His wounds are still fresh. Right now I just want to get him set up with some resources. Alex is supposed to meet with him tomorrow to discuss steps for treatment."

On top of working alongside Elizabeth Donnelly as her number one, Alex had started a treatment program with Olivia and David's help last year. It wasn't a crisis center, but it did a lot of good for a lot of people.

"I'm really proud of Fin though. He did a great job leading the case. Having him there in my corner really makes me feel stronger at work. People don't give him enough credit."

"Do you want me to take it to trial?" He asked, taking a sip out of her milkshake. "Maybe it'll boost things for him."

"Barba's pretty confident that he's got it under control."

"I'll be there for you if you need me. Rafa too." He took her hand and squeezed it, but his expression dropped and he grew a smile from ear to ear as he looked behind her.

"Ziaaa!"

Olivia turned around and found David's two nieces running towards her.

Isabella the youngest was all cheeks throwing her arms around Olivia, while Mia was more timid settling for a kiss on Olivia's face before jumping into David's arms.

"What are you guys doing here!" Olivia exclaimed squeezing Isabella just as tight.

"We missed you." Mia smiled.

"Yeah! We missed you lots and lots." Isabella giggled as Olivia tickled her with kisses.

They were too damn cute.

Mia was the oldest at 8 years old, while Isabella was 6 and they had been even younger when they first met. Both girls clung to her like paper and glue. They had a beautiful relationship together, and Olivia loved getting to spend time with them.

"I missed you guys too." Olivia smiled, pulling Isabella into her lap.

"Hey! Ciao, Olivia. Come stai?"

Olivia smiled feeling more love, surround her as David's younger sister Marisol kissed her on both cheeks.

"I'm a whole lot better now that you guys are here! What's going on? This is such a surprise."

A dead ringer for Penelope Cruz, Marisol had an incredibly special place in Olivia's heart. Her husband died shortly after Isabella's birth, and she hadn't been able to find love again. So when they met, they had grown very close. David's mother still lived in Italy, and so Olivia had become her confidant. And for her, Marisol was the epitome of the family she'd never had. She healed a wound Simon had left open when he betrayed her.

Marisol and David kissed before she slid in next to him at the table.

"David calls me to tell me to bring the girls." Marisol smiled, explaining herself in broken English. "They were being very happy to see you, so we came to surprise you."

"Grande sorpresa," Isabella smiled up at her. Olivia rubbed noses with her again, before smooching her cheeks.

"I'm so surprised. And I can't believe how big you guys got. And how beautiful…"

Mia giggled. "You just saw us, Zia!"

She had. The girls were in her wedding three weeks ago.

"I know, but it feels like forever! I missed you all every moment you were apart."

Isabella hugged her tighter before playing with her hair.

"Le piace la casa?" Marisol asked David.

"Si. Le piace," he answered.

"The house?" Marisol said. "It's nice for you?"

"I love it. You have to come and stay with us soon and bring the girls."

"Yes, the girls are staying!" Marisol smiled.

"I asked Marisol if they could stay with us for a few days," David explained. "I hope you don't mind."

"Are you kidding? I'd love that."

"Zia, will we get to sleep in your room like last time." Mia asked.

"And, and so we can watch movies!" Isabella jumped up in her lap.

"We can do whatever you guys want." Olivia promised.

"I loro vestiti sono in macchina." Marisol told them. "Portameli sabato."

"Three whole days!" Isabella smacked her head. "This is going to be so much fun!"

The three adults laughed at Isabella who was literally dancing in Olivia's lap with excitement. They were all packing up ready to go, when Marisol disappeared.

"You guys ready?" Olivia asked as she carried Isabella in her arms and held out her hand for Mia.

"Yes," the girls answered.

"Where's mama?" Isabella asked.

"I don't know baby."

"She's probably in the bathroom," David mumbled.

For twenty minutes? Olivia was ready to object. "She's been gone a while, David. Maybe I should check on her."

"There she is!" Mia exclaimed pointing outside.

Olivia's face contorted.

Was that Ed?

She walked outside just in time to see Marisol slap him in the face.

"Woah, hey what's going on?" Olivia asked. She put Isabella down and got in between them, quickly switching into cop mode. "What the hell are you doing here?" Olivia interrogated turning to address her ex. He looked at her just as shocked as she was, ready to speak, but David had lunged like an animal and grabbed him by the collar. "David- no!"

Her husband already hated the guy for leaving her and breaking her heart, but he was hot headed on another level to think Ed had hurt Marisol too.

"David," Marisol tried. "Non mi ha fatto danneggiare. Please don't."

The girls stood by watching the whole thing in shock.

"L'ho fatto!" Marisol shouted stronger. David turned back to look at her.

"Swear it to me," he gritted out.

"I swear. It was me, please. Let him go."

David used all the strength in his arms to push Ed out of his grasp. "Get out of my sight." He warned. Finally letting Olivia get through to him to pull him back. "And stay away from my family."

Olivia pushed her husband away, and looked back at Ed, staring in confusion.

"What happened?" She asked him, her eyes searching his

But Ed was all eyes on David, staring in that cold, unreadable way that he had.

"Olivia!" David called out from behind, in frustration.

But she was waiting for an answer.

"Nothing," he mumbled before turning and walking away.

She stood in shock and confusion before David pulled her by her arm and lead her back to the car.

"Zia! Did he hurt you too?" Isabella asked from the back seat of the car.

"No baby. I just wanted to see what happened to your mom."

"Are you going to arrest him?" Mia asked.

"No, but I am going to speak with him when I get back to work."

She looked at David, but he was in another world. Red with violence. Marisol had left in another car and would no doubt be on her way home to call on the phone.

"You were so brave." Mia said.

The car flew into traffic. "David, slow down. The kids are in the back seat." Olivia stared at him. His knuckles were white.

"Zio, are you going to be sad now the whole time?" Isabella whined.

"No mimma, I promise."

David took Olivia's hand and kissed it, but she felt as if she was standing on ice.

By the time they'd gotten home, the girls had seemed to forget about the trauma at lunch once they saw the new house, but Olivia's heart was pounding. She felt like an animal was standing behind her. She opened the door and let them run inside before she confronted David.

He seemed to sigh in relief as he walked through the foyer. Home at last, where he knew his family was safe and accounted for, and like she'd seen so many times before in abusive men, he caged a beast as if nothing had happened. He walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of water.

"I didn't realize you had a temper," Olivia said as she watched him, unsure of what to expect.

David drank from the glass and set it down.

"He had it coming."

"Maybe so, but you can't just-

"Just what?"

Her heart hurt with something heavy. She'd never seen this side of him.

"React," she heard herself say.

"He hurt you, and he hurt my sister. One is enough but two?" David inclined his head.

"And what would you have done if Marisol hadn't stepped in and stopped you? If she hadn't told you it was her fault?"

"I would've done the right thing." David answered without missing a beat.

"By driving you first through his face?"

Truthfully, David was mad when it came to Olivia. Mad when it came to his family. Another man could gnaw at him all day, everyday for the rest of his life, but let someone go after his family, he'd slit their fucking throats in broad daylight.

"You are my wife. Marisol is my sister. All we have is each other. It's my job to protect you both. All of you."

"She hit him."

"Why?" David bit back. "You don't know anymore than I do. He hurt her. I know it. You know better than anyone, scars aren't always on the surface. What if he touched her?"

"Ed's not that kind of guy," Olivia tried to reason with him.

David sighed frustratingly. "I don't want to fight. We shouldn't even be talking about this," he said, pulling her into his arms. He kissed her. "I'm sorry if I scared you. I just don't want you to be in pain, is all. Any of you. I'd defend you with my life any day." He said giving her ass a squeeze. "Let's just enjoy the house. Enjoy the girls."

"You're lucky you didn't turn them into road meat." Olivia arched her brow, not forgetting the way he drove home.

"I would never put you or them in any danger. You know that."

It was hard to stay mad at him, even though for the first time in all her years with David she'd felt uncomfortable.

"You went too far," she glared up at him. He tensed again in her arms. "Just promise me, you won't go there again. If you love me…swear you won't."

He curled her hair behind her ear before taking her face within both hands. "I swear," he whispered, and took her mouth again. It was enough for her for now. If David gave her his word he meant it. She trusted him. She had to for her own sanity. God knew if she saw him like that again, she'd die.

"You guys are so gross," Mia grinned coming to sit at the island next to them. Olivia broke the kiss unable to keep from laughing.

"You should've seen us this morning," David grinned looking down at Olivia.

She rolled her eyes.

"Ziiiiaaaaaaa!" Isabella groaned coming in between her and David.

Olivia cupped her chin in her hand. "So what do you think, sweet girl?"

Isabella frowned at her. "There's no pool," she said.

"We can still go to the one at the old house."

"We can?" Isabella's eyes widened.

"We can go anytime you like." Olivia rubbed noses with her. "Any other requests, missy?"

"I want the room with the garden."

"No way Bella!" Mia argued. "It's mine, I called it first."

"I tell you what? How about we get a bunk bed and you guys share it?" David said, picking up Isabella and throwing her in the air. She giggled wildly.

"What do you say, Mia?" Olivia asked, coming over to brush her hair.

"Fine…" she mumbled. "But I get top bunk!"

Things quickly went back to normal when Olivia took the girls shopping for dinner. The three of them went out and bought everything for a cookout and boxes of chocolate and popcorn for their movie. And by 8 all three of them were curled up in bed like gypsies watching Moana.

Well, Olivia was watching it anyway. Isabella had fallen asleep on her chest within the first ten minutes. And Mia had started to blink around the second act before curling into her side and resting in her arms.

David walked in on them and smiled.

"Just in time," Olivia said softly. "This is the best part."

" _You_ are the best part." He said coming to sit by her.

Her cheeks flushed as she smiled up at him sleepily. "Did you speak with Marisol?"

He nodded, his mood changing. He seemed exhausted by the whole thing. "Apparently they've been seeing each other."

"Ed and Marisol?" Olivia blinked.

"I don't trust him after what he did to you."

Olivia tilted her head forward, almost laughing. "We broke up."

That's normal.

People break up all the time. Relationships end. When two people meet and fall in love they're usually on the same page, but life has a funny way of writing itself. Some are fast readers, others need to read a sentence over and over again. Some like to skip ahead, others like to read in between the lines. Relationships are that way. She and Ed were that way. They had a moment when they were on the same page and then he wanted to retire. She didn't.

Out of all her relationships his was the easiest to get over, and she'd always love him for that. He didn't make her feel like their breakup was her fault. She couldn't say the same for anyone else. Funny, her husband didn't see that.

"If he couldn't see your worth, why should I trust him to see Marisol's?" David frowned.

Olivia couldn't hide her grin. "You should be glad we're not together anymore. He would have gotten in the way of us."

"I'm supposed to like him for that?"

"You could be grateful it was so easy to sweep me off my feet," she smirked behind Isabella's head but she could see David was still on edge about the idea. "I'll call her in the morning. I want to thank her for letting me keep these princesses."

He smiled again, drawing Isabella's hair back before pinching her cheek.

"I asked if they could stay with us a little more. It'll be good practice for you until you give me a princess of our own."

"You want a girl?" She asked as she stroked his hair.

"Girls," he corrected with a kiss. "And boys. As many as you can give me." He pulled Isabella out of her arms and laid her next to Mia, tucking them in before gripping her up in his arms, and picking her up so she was straddling his waist.

"Again?" Olivia giggled as he kissed her, walking them out the room.

"Yes, again." He said, smiling as he pulled her lips into his mouth.

"You're going to break my vagina if we keep going like this."

She flipped the light off in their room as they left and made their way downstairs. "Hm. Does that mean I'll have to spend the night with Gloria?" He asked as he nipped at her neck.

His nick name for her ass. He thought that she had the roundest, bounciest, globe cheeks he'd ever seen. "Glorious!" He shouted before giving it a hot smack that first night. Glorious which then turned into Gloria.

"Stop, don't make me laugh! We'll wake them up."

"We won't." David grinned as he planted her down on the bed in the guest bedroom. "You just have to be very, very, quiet."

He bunched the hem of her slip before pulling it up over her head. She was completely bare and naked for him, and he was excited to get at her breasts again.

She relaxed enjoying the feeling of his mouth on her, with David's hand expertly stroking her slippery clit again. It was a welcome sensation after spending the majority of the day feeling him running out of her from last night. She pressed his fingers deeper into her folds moaning as she pulled him closer. She was still slick from everything they did before and it was an added turn on for what was to come.

He kissed his way down to her legs and spread them apart before kneeling down in front of her and pressing his lips to her pussy. He sucked and kissed her so wonderfully, she grew quickly on the verge of an orgasm.

"I want you inside me, please baby," She begged.

He didn't have to be asked twice!

He came back up to meet her, so she could kiss the taste of them off of him while shoving his pants down with her feet and legs.

Without breaking the kiss he reached down and parted her lips, guiding himself inside her before watching the expressions on her face ease into relief. Hunger. Greed.

He made love to her in hard, deep strokes, until they were both more than satisfied.

The next thing she felt were small hands gently tapping her face and then pushing her shoulder.

"Zia!" Isabella whispered. A flash of lightning flickered behind her before a boom of thunder.

Her small body shook. "Zia!" Isabella tried again, holding onto her Elephant.

Olivia's eyes fluttered open, and saw the child standing there. She leaned up even more concerned when she realized she was shaking. "What is it sweetie?"

"Can I sleep with you and Zio tonight?"

Olivia held out her arms, and Isabella climbed into them, crawling until she was nestled between the two of them. Olivia planted soft kisses on her head, holding her tight. "Always, sweet girl," she whispered sleepily.

Isabella rolled in her arms, and played with her necklace. "Zia?" She whispered.

"Yeah baby?"

"When I get older can I have your necklace?"

Olivia smiled though her eyes were closed. "Of course you can."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Zia?"

"Mhm?"

"Did mama do a bad thing today?" Isabella had started to trace Olivia's features with her small fingers, much in the same way that David liked, drawing her tiny fingers against her eyebrows and her cheekbones.

"Not at all my angel," she promised kissing her fingers.

"Did Zio?"

"He did, but Zio didn't mean it. He just wanted to protect mama and me."

"But I thought protecting was a good thing. You protect people don't you?"

"I do. It is a good thing, but protecting comes from the heart. From love. Not from anger. When you act in anger, you hurt people. You don't protect them."

Isabella considered that for a moment. "Is Zio still good?"

"Zio is the best, he just has a lot to learn like everyone else." Thunder boomed again and Isabella jumped, curling deeper into Olivia, her arms hugging her neck tight. "It's ok baby girl, I've got you."

Isabella kissed her on the lips. "Please, don't let go," she begged.

"I won't."

The next morning they woke together with David being the last to open his eyes.

Isabella was straddling his chest with a can of shaving cream, with Olivia and Mia struggling to hold in their laughter. They'd given David a full on Santa Clause makeover. He had white eyebrows and a huge white beard, and now Isabella was working on his hair.

She got down to his ear when David slapped at it, instantly waking feeling cream come off his ear. Isabella froze smiling.

"Babbo, babbo, babbo Natale!" Mia said laughing jumping on him.

"What?" David frowned feeling the cream slide on his face.

He pushed the girls off of him. "Nooo," he started to laugh. Olivia couldn't hold it in anymore as he started to stand. "Oh you girls are going to get it."

David said scooping them both over his shoulder. "I'm going to fatten you up and stick you both in the oven for nonna."

"No! No! No!" They cried.

"Yes!" David growled, blowing raspberries into their tummies. The girls squirmed in laughter getting the shaving cream on their pajamas. David put them down.

"Go brush your teeth! The both of you, before breakfast."

"Are you going to make us waffles and squares Zio?" Isabelle asked.

"Oh I love waffles and squares. Please, please please!" Mia hopped up and down.

"You guys just painted my face in shaving cream. It's cereal for the both of you. That's your punishment now scram, before I cancel ice cream today."

"But Zia helped! It was Zia's idea. Zia needs to be punished too!" Isabella explained.

"Oh Zia's got another thing coming for her tonight!" David promised, looking back at his wife.

"Oh no I don't," Olivia grinned.

But David had gone back to her and climbed on top of her.

"Yes, yes you do." He laughed at her, nuzzling her face and kissing her so that the cream was smeared all over her face.

"No! David stop!" She squirmed beneath him, giggling as he tickled her.

An hour later they were all showered and huddled around the island with David serving up waffles and squares. Their nieces' term for Belgian Waffles.

Olivia was braiding Isabella's hair when the youngest noticed her necklace shining around her neck. She gasped.

"Zia!" She cried. "I can really keep it?" She exclaimed holding it between her small fingers.

"Mhm." Olivia smiled behind her.

"But you said, when I got older!"

"You are older. Seven hours to be exact." Olivia smirked.

"Now we both have one, Bella!" Mia exclaimed.

Mia had asked for the same thing when she was Isabella's age. The necklace's were different of course, but both seemed smitten with her jewelry. And Olivia didn't mind not one bit.

"Zia, are you going to take us to school today?" Isabella asked before stuffing her mouth with more than three pieces of waffle.

"Baby, slow down." Olivia laughed. "Zio will make more. You'll get sick if you eat it like that."

"It's so good!" Isabella mumbled behind her mouthful of bread and syrup.

"Are you?" Mia asked again.

"I wish I could, but I've gotta go to work this morning."

"Can't you ask Mr. Fin to do it?" Isabella quipped more clear, now that she'd swallowed some of her waffle.

"Maybe tomorrow mimma. Mr. Fin needs me today." Olivia said, quickly kissing them both before grabbing her badge.

She put her arms around David. "Be safe," he begged.

"I'll be back before you know it."

She kissed him and walked out the door.


	6. Fuck You

_Now_

He'd been in the shower for almost three hours. The water had run cold, his skin had gone wrinkly, but he refused to move. He let the water run. Even after he'd begun to freeze and the fog melted away. He sat on the tiled floor, his back against the wall, staring at the bedroom through the glass shower door. His lips turning a bruised blue. His mind fixated on the last time he and Olivia made love.

He'd been thinking about that night from the moment he left the precinct. The stale, toxic rot of their fight in the kitchen, returning with a vengeance. Only instead of vomiting, or thinking about his wife's sudden disappearance, he had been plagued with images of being inside her. The feel of her lips open on his. The sound of her moaning before she kissed him. The light touch of her stomach as she rode him with vigor.

Everything. All of it.

He even remembered the way her tears tasted when she came all over him. Their saltiness reminiscent of a quiet day at sea.

He had tears of his own for her too. They had been fucking each other that night as if it was their last time together. There was no judgement. No punishment. No flex for power. Just him and her. Loving each other. Loving each other the way the should've been for the past three years.

Every time he came inside her, he'd felt closer to her than he had in ages. It was addictive. She had come back to him that night. She was with him that night. And he wanted more of her. He couldn't get enough. But he was just a man. Had held off as long as he could, but in the early hours of the morning his stamina had worn off. Thankful at least that during the last time she was in his arms. Her body nestled into the nook of his chest draining every last drop. They were sweaty, both were out of breath. She kissed him. Weakly. Lovingly. And then left him at the mercy of her hair. He buried his face in it after kissing her shoulders, and fell asleep. _Just an hour_ he thought. _I only need an hour._

But when he opened his eyes, it was morning.

She was gone.

Burning tears left his eyes.

He was an idiot to not have noticed.

His stomach flipped again, and he closed his eyes feeling an acidic aftertaste come up in his throat.

He wouldn't be able to compartmentalize what happened in the kitchen for much longer. His carefully orchestrated hours for pretending he hadn't hurt the woman he loved beyond repair were coming to a swift end. Every single lie that he'd told Amanda was absolving.

Intercut with Olivia's orgasm he saw Amanda's face. _"And you said this was over work?"_ She'd asked him.

He coughed. Choking hard on the vomit coming back up again.

 _"She's been having trouble sleeping and I have a couple of cases open in China."_

The lies were crawling up his throat.

His chest rose and fell hard and heavy as he felt the adrenaline take him. Recalling his interrogation had sent him sprawling back into the night. Back into the kitchen. His vision went black at the corner of his eyes. His heart pounded a million miles a minute.

She had smelled like orchids. All week she'd been embedding the house with that smell. It was in their sheets, their clothes, their blankets and furniture.

Daringly he pulled her into his arms while she cooked over the stove.

 _"You're in a good mood,"_ he studied her sensually. Some color had grown in her cheeks. She seemed rested. Still tired but rested. Calm.

She shrugged. _"Work's been lighter than usual."_

Weakly, he leaned forward and quickly crawled out of the shower, pushing the glass door open so he could vomit in the toilet.

 _"Does that mean you'll be able to take some time off?"_ They had been talking about it for awhile. Maybe not even talking about it. More like David suggesting, and Olivia ignoring him.

She banged the sauce off the edge of the spoon. _"It does."_

 _"Where do you want to go?"_

Her hip casually closed their utensil drawer closed. _"Actually I was thinking we could stay here."_

He retched hard.

 _"For what? We both know you'll be back at the precinct just like before. More long hours. More overtime. Pushing yourself. Exerting yourself for no reason."_

Again.

The rotting came up but something was sitting thick in his chest and wouldn't leave.

The part when he grabbed her. The small curve of her abdomen in their hands. The sight of her blood.

People talk about it all the time. He thought it was just a figure of speech; " _I didn't know a person could hold so much blood_."

Bodies hold a lot of blood.

And hers was everywhere.

Goosebumps broke out on his skin.

He rested his head on the toilet seat. His temperature had run hot again and the cool ceramic felt good.

He flushed the toilet and propped himself up against the wall, hitting his head against the tile rhythmically, seeing her body again. Feeling her nipples crushed against his chest. Recalling the taste of them in his mouth.

Back to the kitchen.

 _"What?"_ She'd asked. _"Did you just think because I've done it before, I'd do it again?"_

He opened his eyes.

"Fuck you."

He slapped at his face violently, before out right yelling in his hands.

"Fuck," he breathed. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck." Slapping, slapping, slapping until he had to throw his fist into something. Like an animal he darted to the mirror above the sink and threw his knuckles into it. Again and again and again. Until the glass started to shatter. Pulling at the shards until he couldn't see himself anymore.

 _"You're not even going to think about it?"_ She'd asked him.

 _"Don't twist my words."_

"Fuck you!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

He threw his fist again into the broken crystalized wall.

"Fuck," he panted. "Fucking god damned cunt."

Not her. Him.

He stormed out of the bathroom with his towel and swiftly wrapped it around his waist. Uncaring that he'd left the water to run.

He dried off, and got dressed to leave.

His heart a mess, he threw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a crew cut sweater before going back into the bathroom to rinse his mouth out and finally turn off the shower. Hands shaking he snapped on his watch, grabbed his cell phone, his keys, and stepped out into the foyer.

The apartment was cold. Like walking into a restaurant freezer. Their furniture had been moved. Their glassware. Their clothes. Their photographs. Everything. Boxed. Taped. Driven to the new house.

All that remained was a quiet sitting area. Two chairs, a sofa, and a glass table that he'd been using as a second office to avoid going home on more than one occasion. He watched the lights of the city flicker strong against the night.

They were a symphony. Much like the one playing at his own house. He imagined dust flying in the air, gathering fingerprints. The glamorous flash of cameras capturing his once well staged marriage. The whispers of innocuous neighbors all lining up to give their account of the beautiful woman who disappeared.

It was all so dateline.

He threw down another drink to compartmentalize the night again and traveled downstairs to the parking lot where he kept an all black Ferrari parked for safe keeping. Before he moved Olivia into their townhouse, they stayed here. His 671 foot residential building over looking Central Park. The place had more or less become his second home in recent months. The Penthouse much warmer to him than any room back at home with her. He unlocked the doors, the engine roaring to life, as he threw her coat inside and got in.

He was backing out of his parking space when he saw a woman in his rear view mirror.

He slammed his foot on the breaks sending a frightening shock through her bones.

Alex.

She ran to the side of the car, opened the door and got in. Her perfume destroying the sex tape of he and Olivia's last time together. "Jesus Christ!" She shouted at him.

He almost killed her.

"You almost killed me!"

He exhaled deeply.

They sat in silence until she caught her breath. "My God, you look like shit."

She looked at him. His eyes were heavy. Bloodshot. Exhausted from not eating or drinking. But he was still him. Still David. Still the stupid, dumb fuck, that ruined his wife.

He tried to speak but if he opened his mouth he would've had given himself away.

"This is really happening," she said out loud.

He turned to look at her but all he saw was Olivia. All he remembered was how much she loved Alex, and his eyes gave in.

Her thin bony hands instantly came around him, and embraced him in a tight hug. He grimaced in her arms. It felt unnatural. He hadn't been held like this in so long. The way things were in his marriage, they didn't do things like this anymore. Hug. Hold. Touch. It was off limits. He refused Olivia repeatedly, so this was renewed territory for him. Even now he still refused to hug her back, but he'd have been lying if he didn't say it felt good. Her arms had lit a fire in him that had been burned out for so long.

"It's going to be ok David. We'll find her." Alex reassured him. "I'll talk to Fin and do some digging. They'll be more willing to talk to me instead of you."

He nodded in her shoulder. "We'll find her," she repeated.

They pulled apart, and he swiped at his eyes as fast as he could.

"Is your cell phone charged in case she tries to call you?"

"Yeah," he croaked. Then frowned. "Have you been by the house?"

She exhaled. Exhausted too. "I drove bye, but they've got the whole block, shutdown. How long has it been?"

He stared at the dashboard. 2:00am.

He had come down to the kitchen quarter after 8. They fought.

There was a lot of blood. He was up all night cleaning it up. Normal David. Stupid dumb fuck David. David that ruined his wife.

"29 hours."

A beat.

The engine ran. His curiosity chewing at the better of him as he considered how long this game of waiting was going to last. How many questions it was going to take before they arrived at the truth.

That he broke her heart.

Broke the face.

Broke the bones.

He flushed remembering the deep red of her cheeks when he stopped the air from going into her lungs.

"What happened?"

There was that question again. The same one he'd been driving himself insane over for the past three years. What happened? What are you thinking? What have we done to each other?

When he thought about the beginning, they were so cliché.

Perfect lovers.

Creatures of a mutual strain.

They knew each other like rock from sand. How it felt loving her and being loved by her was both a privilege and a blessing. Everything so effortless. To be able to find yourself so strongly in another person is a very rare experience indeed.

"So you have a type?"

She said it flippantly. Teasingly. With a smile. Charming enough to get him hard because she was jealous, and yet completely serious. It was the detective in her. She was letting him know casually that she was observing him, paying attention. That she cared.

"What?" He mused. "Don't all men?"

He took a drag of his beer in an attempt to come off as a cool guy. Making a point to be intimate. He had spent weeks trying to persuade her to go out and experience nightlife with him. With work it just wasn't really her scene, but she eventually gave in when he promised that they'd go somewhere more lax than upbeat. So of course he picked only the hottest hotel in the city and just when things were getting good, an old flame appeared to rekindle the light. He was kind enough, but he aimed to be direct. He took Olivia's hand in front the girl and said very politely, "It's nice to see you again, but I'm spoken for."

They were two months steady. Jumping into phase three. (Couples have phases when they date. They do the coffee thing first. It's simple. To the point. It's all about saying, "I'm interested." Most people think that it's the weakest part in a relationship, but any serious lover will tell you it's the exact opposite. The coffee let's you know if the other person is trust worthy. If they're ready to commit. If they're a waste of time just looking for a good fuck, or someone who you genuinely might like if things go south. Then of course, there's the dinner. Phase two. The part where you get to know each other. You take a closer look. Is this the right fit? Could it be that I've found my soul mate shuffling nervously looking at gourmet cheeses in isle two? Are they really that into 17th century renaissance art? Could I really see myself in bed with them 30 years from now? It's touch and go really. Could you, would you, are you mine?

Then there's phase three. Labels. You've fucked semi regularly for the past three weeks. You call her just to say hello, and you say dirty things, like "I miss coming inside you." You take pleasure in showing her off. You become possessive when you're out together. Your colleagues want to know who you keep texting during meetings. And it's then, the moment when your heart stops and your cheeks suddenly warm with embarrassment because you've been caught red handed, that you smile and say, "I've been seeing someone."

But that's all.

Things could still burn out. It could still be just about sex.

But not for them.)

At that point they had yet to do anything more than kiss. And even without that security of knowing if she was a good lover. An outright psychotic bitch with clingy tendencies, he knew she was the one.

So he sipped his beer and just went along with it.

She flared her eyebrows. Humored.

"The predictable ones do."

He laughed inwardly.

She always knew how to keep him on edge. "That makes two of us." He whispered, leaning closer. He loved the smell of her.

Orchids. Honeysuckle. The perfect union with her golden olive skin, and the deep bronze of her hair.

Fucking intoxicating.

She looked him dead in the eye. "You like semi middle aged woman. You probably always have. I'm guessing your mother never gave you any approval, so the younger ones don't get you off. But you like the praise they give you, it goes well with your ego. You like it when they throw themselves all over you. And if by chance you do sleep with the younger type you make sure you're out before morning because the last thing you need is a kid with daddy issues. So you go for the conservative type. The hard to get type. You prey on everything they're missing in their lives and you give it to them to make yourself feel important, not them. Power is what gets you off. Control. Security. But you're smart. Not arrogant enough to believe that you're always right, or that everything is about you. Which is good, you're more likely to gain companionship that way. That's what you want. Women who are all about normal. And who better than a broken down, hard working one. Desperate, wasted goods. You want the girl who's just dying to be with you. Women who need it to be all about them."

0 for 1.

"You're too hard on yourself. You're older than me but not so old that I need you to take care of my mommy issues. And if I needed you to, it certainly wouldn't be about approval. I don't seek approval from anyone- at least I didn't until I met you." A beat. "You think you're a diamond in the rough? You're not. We're the same. You just don't think you're good enough to be with people like me so you lurk in the mud, and you settle for trash because it's the only thing you've ever known. My guess? You've had too many people tell you or treat you like you're not good enough. And you believe it. You'll even go for second best. That's why you go for the hot heads. The shouters. The enforcers. The agitators. The ones with a temper. But let's be clear, it's not the anger that gets you off, it's the passion. And if they can get passionate about saving lives, you think just maybe they can get passionate about saving yours. You like the protective type. The possessive type. The kind that will push you right to the edge, but give you just enough lead to keep your own free will. Enough to get your heart racing but not enough to scare you. Because it's all about loyalty and belonging, not abuse and ownership. You want someone you can submit to without having to worry if they'll hurt you. That's a big one. Submission is important to you. Helps just in case things go bad. Gives you peace of mind because if they do leave, at least you can say you gave all you could give. You did what they wanted. Things don't work out, it's not your fault, the way everything else seems to be."

He leaned back. Finally coming off her.

"And you're wrong," he said, softly. "I don't give to make myself important, I give because I know what it's like not to have."

"Is that all?" She frowned. Her eyes reading him, looking for any other details she might have missed to top that.

"I don't get off on power and control. Power is only valuable to those who want to hurt the world not heal it."

"And control?"

He scoffed, laughing at himself. "If I had that I wouldn't be here with you."

They went back to her apartment after and did every foreplay position in the book. They had barely made it through the front door before her thighs were hooked around his shoulders.

And by God did she have a world class pussy. She tasted like warm honey and sweet cream. He had never tasted anything like it. She was so good that he got a cramp in his jaw from eating her out all night.

He carried that thong around in his pocket for two weeks.

Funny.

Where your mind goes in a time of crisis. His seemed to keep going backwards. To the start. To the beginning. When loving Olivia was easy. Natural. Second nature. His conscience following the bread crumbs, looking for the clues, the exact moment when things had gone so wrong.

His jaw thickened.

What happened?


	7. Just Happy

_Then_

 _September 2015_

They were so happy.

Every single day had brought out the same joy, the same affection. It was the ultimate high. There weren't two people more in love than they were. It had been a month, and it was still like living in a dream.

The bulk of participating in a marriage, still so strange and new. She never mentioned it out loud- how difficult it was to keep up. To accept and trust all the loving when she'd been rejected for so long. If she were honest, she was struggling, but it was a good struggle, one she welcomed happily. With David, she never had to want for anything. He was her protector. Her keeper. Her healer. Time and time again, he proved that he was the ultimate provider. Needless to say, she took being his wife very seriously. She became one of those women she hated. One of those women who slave for three hours in the kitchen, trying to perfectly cook a roast. One of those women who waited up all night until he came home (even though David did most of the waiting). She became _that_ kind of wife. To the point where she hardly recognized herself. Just the other day she burst into tears, a melancholy smile on her face while she was doing David's laundry.

It was ridiculous she knew, but she didn't think she'd ever grow tired of it. The endless cycle of shirts. The hair trimming, the morning coffee. Nothing bothered her. Every detail was a joy. Loving David, being loved by David.

Everything was so effortless.

It certainly turned heads at SVU. Half her squad had thought she'd gone insane, the way she'd show up at crime scenes, grinning from ear to ear. Not even the most heinous crime seemed to dissuade her. She worked and operated under a completely different confidence with David behind her.

She used to sulk for hours about all the things that were wrong about her. Her failures. Her short comings. But not anymore. That was the best part of him. The way he made her feel. The way he made her forget. The way he empowered her. Gorgeous, all about Olivia, huge dick David.

He was her favorite person on the planet, that much she was sure.

More so, knowing that he had completely adored their house. The one she designed. Unashamedly adorning it with bright, rich colors and warm hues. It was a cozy, happy, I love you more than life house. Her ode to him, her loving signature for a joyous, vibrant marriage.

And it was vibrant.

Never a dull moment. On the weekends they got to spend time with his nieces. The girls loved coming over to spend time with her and they each got to help paint the rooms in the house. They scrapbooked together, and made ice cream sundaes late at night. Unexpectedly weaving a sacred relationship that made her feel as if the kids were secretly, her best friends. She loved those girls and couldn't wait to have a few of her own.

They had been pretty consistent with their efforts but this weekend they were going to have to put it off.

David had a case in London and wouldn't be back for almost two weeks. He gave her one hell of a night to hold her over and promised he would come back as soon as he could. That was eleven days ago. Needless to say she was restless. She was practically running to her office when she found out Nick had dropped by.

Her darling Nick Amaro. Her maid of honor, her best friend. The only man she loved as much as she loved David. She was sad to see him go to California initially, but luckily for her, the gig hadn't lasted long and he'd come back to New York to work in Narcotics.

She swiftly walked through the precinct and opened her door.

"Finalmente. La Reina!" Nick smiled jumping to greet her.

"When did you get here?" Olivia frowned happily in her moment of surprise hugging and kissing him for all he was worth. The man could turn her into butter and she melted against his chest.

David was her husband, but Nick was her partner.

It was his arms that had held and healed her through her ordeal with Lewis. His corny jokes and empanadas that recovered her after Elliot left. His patience that gained her friendship.

By all means, Nick Amaro was her person.

"Twenty minutes ago," he smiled above her. "You look ravishing."

"Stop," Olivia smirked, pulling away, instantly missing his warmth.

She had reason to though. Nick denied any feelings for her but she'd seen him on more than one occasion grow a little too happy to see her. Not that she was object, it just never really worked out. The timing. They were better off friends.

"What?" He tilted up his chin. "You're an award winning, NYPD, SVU Lieutenant. Not to mention head speaker at the D.C. Summit next month."

Every year the Law Enforcement had a national convention in D.C. for commissioners, chiefs, captains and a select few lieutenants to discuss reform and strategy, and each year they targeted a different branch. It was SVU's turn in the spin and she had been asked to present on the backlog.

She shook her head bashfully. "How did you hear?"

"I got tabs. Congratulations, I'm proud of you."

"Don't applaud me yet. I'm gonna rip Dodds a new one on this rapekit reform. Let's see how everything blows over first."

Nick nodded, too familiar with the ins and outs of that ongoing argument. She had been fighting that battle for a while now. Much of it with him at her side. All her hard work was paying off though. This summit was really going to push things into motion, with her in lead. So everyone was very proud and supportive. Including Nick.

"How's my god daughter?" She asked, the two of them finally sitting down.

"She's getting so big, Liv. I can't keep up. She misses you…"

Her cheek pulled left knowing that last bit was coming more from him.

"Well, why don't you guys come over? David and I are hosting a Halloween party, Marisol and her girls will be there. It'll give us a chance to hangout and the girls will have fun. You remember the last time they were together?"

"Oh God, don't remind me." Nick groaned.

"We had to pry them apart."

"My nails were painted dazzle dazzle red and Strawberry pink for three weeks. I couldn't get the damn polish off."

"First of all, strawberry pink went excellent with your complexion and honestly you can't let that scare you off. We've got face painting, apple bobbing, pumpkin carving…."

"Wow. You're really going all out."

They were. Halloween was their first holiday together as a married couple. They wanted to go big.

"Just say you'll be there. I need you to be." Olivia tilted her chin up.

"I promise. So what about this case, Fin's been telling me about?"

She huffed. "Rape, double homicide uptown."

"What, you can't catch the guy?"

"We're all sort of overwhelmed at the moment, and the new guy's not really up to speed. I could really use the extra pair of hands- It's a one time thing, I promise-"

"No Liv- Whatever you need. Of course I'm here for you. I'll do whatever has to be done."

"Thank you," she exhaled. A load of relief rolling off her chest.

She had intended to see things through on her own but she couldn't conjure up the energy no matter how hard she tried. She needed help. Which to be honest started to scare her. She was older she knew, but she was just lights out left and right. Her body felt like it was shutting down. Even Fin started to notice.

"David been keeping you up all night?" Fin quipped later as she sat on the edge of his desk looking through a case file.

"No. He's actually out of town. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I can't lift a finger. I'm so exhausted all the time."

"Maybe everything's catching up to you. The wedding, work. Jet setting from Europe. New house. Everything happened kind of fast. You were running around like the Energizer Bunny. I bet with David gone, you're finally starting to catch your breath."

She smirked knowingly. He was probably right. They had a lot of sex. This was the first time in a long time that they'd been apart. First time she'd been able to sleep the night through. She'd been on an ongoing high of adrenaline. Was this a crash? Was she crashing? It would explain the muscle aches…

"Yeah, you're probably right. Where's Rollins?"

"She and Carisi are out investigating a lead."

"Those two spend a lot of time together."

"We used to say the same thing about you and Elliot."

"That's my point," Olivia said standing.

Fin resolved. "Carisi's a good guy. He's not going to hurt her. Kid's got no baggage, Jesse loves him."

She looked up and saw them walk in together in sync and it was as if she was staring at a ghost of she and Elliot.

Only blonde.

Her stomach flipped watching the two of them part, glancing at each other awkwardly as if they'd just made out in a cab for twenty minutes.

She bit the balls of her cheeks to keep from calling out Amanda's name. Grimacing as she swallowed acid.

"She's lucky then."

"They're not even a thing."

She turned back to Fin. "They will be. I know that look."

"You worried about her?"

"I just…" she started, but she didn't want to make it about her. She and Amanda were two very different people, and what was unraveling in front of her was apart of Amanda's life not hers.

"Rollins has been through enough. The last thing she needs is Carisi breaking her heart."

Fin laughed out loud. "Ok, I think you got it backwards. If anyone's breaking anybody's heart it's Rollins. Carisi's all bunnies and shit. First grader in the first degree. She walks all over him when you're not looking."

She heard him. He was trying to get through to her, she knew, but she was too engrossed with their body language.

"You want me to talk to them?" He tried again. "Liv?"

"Hm? No. I'll handle it. Where are we with the Torres case?"

Handle it. She wasn't sure what the hell that meant, she just knew that she had to figure out a way to make sure neither of them got hurt in the long run.

And though she meant to help, she had to laugh.

Bitterly.

Hating that she was such an expert on the subject.

It had been a little over a three years since Elliot left and she still felt a knife in her chest every time she thought about him. She didn't think she'd ever get over what he did to her. His rejection and abandonment alone had betrayed everything she knew in her heart about him and she spent months dealing with what the bare truth about what his leaving meant in reflection towards their relationship.

For so long she trusted him more than anyone. Considered him to be family. Her whole life. And he had ended up wounding her more deeply than her mother, father, or any trauma at SVU ever did. When he left, she had plunged into a period of self-hate and self-harm. He was supposed to care about her and he didn't. He said he'd be there for her and he wasn't. He promised himself to her and he lied. So every night she drank herself to sleep. She stopped caring, stopped trying. Out of self pity she fell into a relationship with Brian Cassidy of all people. As much as she loathed that period in her life, she had to admit it was pretty ironic.

She'd slept with him before to get over Elliot and that had been years ago at the start of her career at SVU.

What a shit show.

Then came Ed. Which was even more surprising than the last. The relationship came out of nowhere. And she had been so emotionally ruined and off track, that their bleek past became more comforting than an empty apartment. If she hadn't met David, she shuddered to think who she would've sunk her teeth into next.

Thankfully she had Alex to take her mind off of things. After work they met up for drinks.

"So tell me all about the man who married _the_ Olivia Benson. Is marriage everything you'd hoped it be?"

Her eyes sparkled and she smiled blissfully. "Everything and more."

On all fronts her marriage was groundbreaking. She felt so secure and confident in every moment she and David spent together. They were both mature, adult people. There was no drama, no disrespect. They were on the same page on everything, and best of all was the freedom. They loved each other immensely but there was no pressure to be with each other every moment of every day. A perk, considering most men she'd dated in the past had issues with her work schedule coupled with her needs to detox from SVU. David was usually wrapped up in foreign cases and the demanding stock market, so aside from feeding and fucking her, he had an itinerary of his own.

Of course it wasn't always like that. They did quite often meet each other in the middle and do things that other couples do. Sometimes they worked out together, made dinner together, went out for ice cream 30 minutes before closing because they had a sweet tooth. They had what everyone else had, they just didn't do what everyone else did. It worked for them and out of that, they were each each other's best friend.

Other couples, their friends, all were so curious how they'd kept the bliss going for so long. And the truth was that both she and David knew early on in their relationship that they didn't want conventional. Olivia didn't have the energy to try after breaking up with Ed and David wasn't really interested in going through the motions. He was very to the point about everything, including loving her. Both were very "no bullshit".

So they had evolved into something else. The envy of modern day lovers. She wasn't the kind of wife that needed to know where her husband was every moment of the day. She wasn't the kind of wife that needed to be coddled every second either. And the wonderful thing was, David never tried to turn her into that kind of wife either. Somehow just knowing he was committed to her was enough for her, and knowing she loved him was enough for him.

"Well when are you going to invite me to the house?" Alex asked as she bit prettily into a chicken wing. "You've been in there a month now."

She smirked at the barbecue sauce on the side of her friend's cheek. "You'll see it at the Halloween party. You've got something on your face," Olivia told her.

"Still trying to christen the place?" Alex glared mischievously, taking a sip out of her beer.

"There's a lot of rooms."

They had been going slowly from one bedroom to the next because of the renovations but now that they were done, she was anticipating David's return so they could finish making the rounds. The basement. The laundry room. The mudroom. The kitchen and living room. Both of the dining rooms…

"You make me sick. I'm so jealous. How can you still talk about him the same as you did when you first met him? How are things still this exciting for you?"

She smiled behind her burning red cheeks. David had a lot of crazy ideas but mostly it was the loving that made every time so special.

"We just really love each other."

Alex stopped eating just so she could look at her. Her lips curling sweetly. Knowingly. She'd had a front seat to all of her trauma. Her mother. Her father. Simon. Vivienne. All of the men she went through and Lewis. "I'm so stupid happy for you," she said, her voice cracking faintly before she leaned in and kissed her cheeks.

When she got home a few hours later she was so exhausted she couldn't even see straight. She peeled off her gun and badge and took a long hot shower before climbing into bed.

Almost climbing.

Because of the sex her eating schedule was all over the place. She'd go from mellow to starving in minutes- and at the most unusual times. Like 10 a clock at night after getting out of the shower. She grimaced hearing her stomach growl. She quickly threw on a slip and went into the kitchen and made a peanut butter cracker sandwich.

She was shoulder deep in the fridge when she heard the front door open.

She froze.

She wasn't expecting David for at least another week.

Heavy footsteps came walking up the stairs. She started to reach for a knife silently, but when David came walking into the room, she surrendered.

He pulled his head phones out, grinning as he pulled her into his arms. "What are you doing up?"

"What am I doing up?" Olivia smirked, before leaning into kiss his lips softly. "What are you doing here?"

Oh god, he smelled good. Fresh. Minty. His body hard as a rock as he held her strong and tight in his arms. She felt herself pull center. The stress of the day rolling off her shoulders like rain. This man was her home. No matter what happened, no matter what she was going through or what ugly memories came to haunt her, as soon as she was in his arms the rest of the world just faded away.

He caressed her cheek with his thumb. "I wanted to surprise you."

They kissed again.

"What happened in London?"

"I told them something's come up." He pressed his hand against her torso. "I didn't want to let the week go by without us trying. I know how important this is to you, because it's important to me too. Family comes first."

Her eyes watered and he knew exactly why.

Another kiss. This time he nuzzled their noses together, to make her laugh. "Don't," he whispered, begging her to stay in this moment with him.

"You came all this way, just so you could sleep with me?" She arched her brow. She had to admit, she was turned on.

"What? It's not the first time I've done it. You're insatiable." He said as he peeled off his jacket. "And hot. So fucking hot. And gorgeous. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I couldn't spend another moment away from these legs, and those eyes, and these lips."

"So you came all this way?" She repeated.

He grinned. "I came all this way. Are you too tired?"

Her nipples were already hard. "Nope." She said, her lips giving a hard smack as she pronounced the "P."

"Are you sure? We don't have to if you need to rest. I could give you a back massage. Rub your feet. Just tell you how much I missed you. I did miss you. A lot."

"You can do all of that after." She kissed him again and his shirt went into the pile.

He leaned into her, simultaneously pushing her up against the island and spreading her legs before getting down on his knees. Her heart quickened in anticipation. She'd wanted this. Missed this. Needed him inside her again. They held eye contact as he reached under her slip and pulled down her G string, then bunched up the hem of silk at her waist.

"I plan to." He whispered, pulling her closer to him.

She stroked his hair lovingly as he neared her, her eyes rolling back before closing and squeezing tight as his mouth covered her pussy. His tongue and kiss were so warm, she gushed for him almost instantly. Her body lighting up like a furnace. She planted her leg on top of his shoulder to hold him in close so he'd have better access.

And he took full advantage.

"God that feels…that feels good." she panted. He left a heavy layer of warm spit on her before coming up for air. She felt his fingers teasing her hole and she lost it, eliciting a moan from her lips.

He slipped three fingers inside her and fucked her, listening as she got louder.

He put pressure on her clit. Licking, sucking, kissing it for all it was worth. Pulling her orgasm deeper into her stomach. Before long she was face fucking him desperate to get off. The muffling sounds he made as he moaned beneath her turned her on even more.

"Don't stop baby, I'm going to cum!" she cried softly.

The pleasure he was giving her was so intense she couldn't even think straight! She was quickly spiraling out of control, her body tensing up with the need to release. She was bumping her clit against his lips but when he stuck his tongue inside her with his fingers she came hard, squeezing his hair as she leaned up on her toes

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" she cried. Her body shaking as her juices left her.

David sucked every last drop and came up for air laughing. "You taste so fucking good," he told her as he stroked her pussy. He watched hungrily as she took off her slip and her breasts revealed themselves at last.

 _"Mi ucciderai, cazzo donna."_ He groaned pulling her closer so he cold kiss her up. He planted kisses all over her stomach and came up for her nipples. Taking one in his mouth so he could mimic the kiss he was getting ready to put on her lips.

She moaned again. Deeply. The added sensation of his mouth on her breasts while he stroked her had her desperate for another orgasm. "Where do you want me?" he whispered getting closer to her mouth. She closed her eyes feeling him suck hard at her neck.

That was going to leave a mark.

"Fuck me in my ass baby."

David obliged, picking her up in his arms and spreading her cheeks wide before walking her over to the living room couch. He bent her over on her stomach and lined his cock up with her tight opening. The view of Olivia fingering her pussy while he did, drove him over the edge.

"Oh God it feels so good." Olivia moaned into the pillow below. She felt him push inside her and cried out it felt so wonderful. It took a couple of thrusts but he was finally in. Stretching her hot canal open again.

The pressure building up, and the way she could feel every nerve ending inch of his cock sliding in and out of her had her pussy drooling in her hand.

"Fuck me," she begged. "Please, please! Please!"

Her breasts bounced down in front of her as he started to slap against her ass cheeks. His sack hitting her clit with every deep thrust, kissing the juices from her pussy. The pleasure went straight to her head, and soon she was slurring as he started an assault on the back of her G spot.

David gave her ass a slap, until the hard globe of her cheeks started to redden. She cried out hard, squeezing on the cushions to keep still.

He was so big, oh god he was so big.

He plunged into her in a heavy assault until the house was filled with her moaning his name. "I'm coming!" she cried.

He grabbed her by the throat and pulled her up to his chin. Back arched, ass up, he held her close to him with his strong arms until he couldn't go any deeper.

"You fucking love my cock, don't you," he grunted as he held her mouth in front of him. Her swollen lips pouting up at him.

"Yes, yes, yes!"

He forced her mouth open with his thumb and stuck it down her throat for her to suck. Using his other hand to squeeze her breasts. He was crazy in lust with her.

"Tell me." He said.

He kissed her hard. Sucking on her lips and skin while pounding deep in her ass. Olivia drowned herself in his kiss before feeling him rip her mouth away and push her back down onto the couch. He fell down behind her and rolled them so they were nestled side by side, back to chest, before draping her thigh carefully over his waist and slipping three fingers into her now sopping pussy.

Her body refused to protest. She was so wet! It turned him on even more and he bit down on the nearest thing she had to offer.

He watched her throw her head back in ecstasy. Moaning in a litany of _fuckme, yes_ and _oh god harder_!

"That's it, take my cock inside you," he whispered in her ear.

"You're going to make me cum baby!" She breathed hard, holding his fingers in place. The feeling of being filled in both holes at once was too much for her to handle! He rocked into her gently as she took all of him. "All of you. I want all of you. I love all of you," he moaned. " _Dammi un bacio, cara,"_ he demanded, fucking her now in hard, long strokes.

She fused their lips together, while working her clit, the kiss erupting a fire inside her that she had been desperate to light all night. The spark of her orgasm caused her to slam back on him.

She wept in his mouth, moaning feeling her climax come in a wave of pleasure. "Oh fuck oh god, oh god!" She cried against his lips. Her body pushing his hand out as her juices shot out of her pussy!

David strangled her breast against her chest. Her ass was gripping him so tight! "Yeah, yeah! Cum all over my cock," he growled. His voice embedded in her hair. She screamed as her juices came again and he pounded her harder feeling them leaking on his sack.

She was nauseous from orgasming so hard.

He felt her body go limp in his arms, but she had made a point of turning to face him. Her eyes red, linking passionately with his. Her face was flushed. And he did that to her.

He was going to cum.

Hard.

" _Tell me that you love me,_ " he said again.

She kissed him. Again. And again.

"I do. I do. I love you," she whispered.

He stroked a few more times until he was ready to blow and then switched holes thrusting so hard, so deep, so fast, that she had instinctively gripped his torso to put distance between them. She moaned feeling him cum inside her, his body thrusting softly until _she_ was finished.

Thick, heavy, warm torrents splashed against her cervix and she was ready to cum again. "Oh!- she panted.

She leaned back into him on the couch. Panting. Shaking. Her thighs trembling.

They kissed, before he gently pulled out. Her eyes widened. How was he still hard?! "I need to taste you," he whispered.

Olivia gave him permission and relaxed against the cushions.

It was obvious they were just getting started.

Come morning, she could hardly move. The alarm glared at her. She sighed deeply, pushing her hair from her face. Jesus, even that hurt. Her whole body felt like dead weight, and that middle aged exhaustion that had been creeping up on her had come back with a vengeance. She felt David nuzzle in closer to her.

"You gonna get that?" he whispered groggily.

"Mm hm." That was all she could manage. She hurt so bad, she couldn't even form a sentence. Couldn't even think about going to work.

He reached over her and pulled it out of the wall, but the peace hadn't lasted. She was only able to get another 20 minutes before Fin called on her cell.

Dodds was on his way in to see her to talk about the summit.

She groaned.

"Are you going to be ok?" David asked her as she nuzzled deeper into his arms.

"I'll feel better after a shower...Will you be here when I get back?"

"My flight's at 11."

Olivia pulled him closer with all of her strength. "One more time before you go."

"Are you sure?" he whispered. It was still dark out, and they were both exhausted but she nodded anyway.

"Just go slow," she said with a kiss.

Two hours later she walked into the precinct and Dodds was waiting for her in her office.

"You're late." Fin yapped at her.

She threw up her hand and walked into her office. Dodds was furious with her of course, but they had come to their arrangements, and as soon as they were done she sent her proposal to David. The rape kit backlog was their mission together and this summit was a big deal. Her words had to be perfect, and her husband being the scholar that he was- an expert on making persuading arguments would know just what to say for her trip to D.C. She didn't doubt that they'd make progress, but they had a lot of work to do, and there was no telling how far they'd get, especially when there were so many hushed and unreported cases against some of the men that would be in that room.

Her stomach curled just thinking about it.

But she wasn't afraid. Sixteen years at SVU. Countless victims and survivors. Justice being denied over and over again. She knew it then just like she knew it know, somehow, someway she was going to change things. Maybe she couldn't fix it all. Maybe she couldn't tackle the big problems. But these little things she thought...

She just had to do her part, do her job. Pave a way, enlighten, educate, so that this horrible epidemic that plagued her city and her country would soon meet an end. And it was possible, she believed that. Staring at the photos on her desk of her and President Obama, the framed portrait of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the drawing David's nieces drew of her dressed as Wonder Woman, she knew it was possible.

They just had to take it one step at a time.

In the mean time she was going to do everything in her power to just be happy with David. They were off to a good start and she wanted to keep it that way.


	8. Thin Ice

_Then_

 _October 2015_

"Are you alright?" Fin asked as she came out of the bathroom.

She was flustered.

Her hands were shaking, her eyes were weak and she looked like she'd just rolled out of bed.

"I'm fine," she swallowed.

"You're shaking."

"I just was thinking about something."

Fin frowned. "You want to talk?"

"No. No. I just want to wrap up this case and talk to Barba," she said and quickly retreated back into her office, despite feeling him frowning behind her.

She had been struggling with chronic anxiety for the past two weeks. She had it all. Disorganized thoughts, overthinking, periods in time where she just went completely blank out of fear. She was frightfully nervous over the most ridiculous things; going into work, phone calls, things that were pink in color - don't ask.

And worst of all, she was agitated.

At work that wasn't an unusual thing but at home she was breaking David's heart. She was running over any intimacy he tried to give her with a lawn mower. She kept their kisses to a minimum. They had sex once in the past fourteen days. And she would only stay in his arms until she counted to ten. Literally.

It made her sick.

Everything made her sick.

She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep it up either or how much longer David would allow her to keep it up.

Even though she was running sour he was still incredibly loving, affectionate, and patient with her. Just the other night he caught her sleeping in the bath tub, and she'd woke to him kissing her face, and the moment she wanted to turn away, cover herself up and pull her knees to her chest, he stopped her.

"Don't. I'm going. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you." He said.

She wanted to cry.

She had the perfect life. This time, this beginning, the new chapter she was starting should've been celebrated. She'd wanted this since she was old enough to realize her mother wasn't healthy. That her life wasn't normal, or like everyone else's. She felt herself go clammy and pale again. A stale toxic taste creeping at the back of her throat.

The door sounded behind her and she heard Barba come in. A look of relief swimming on her face. The summit was just what she needed to take her mind off of things.

"We are going to propose six pillars of reform." Olivia explained as she leaned over a table of plans, documents and case studies. "If we can introduce these in all 50 states, we will be golden."

Rafael frowned down at the paperwork, looking intently for any weak spots that a mayor or judge would look to argue.

"What's keeping these from passing through?"

Olivia rolled her eyes annoyed by the whole thing. "Funding."

"All 50 states Liv…" He began to argue.

"Look. We take it step by step. If we get the law passed that requires states to count the rapekits, then we'll have a better chance at fighting this. Once they see how big this issue is, they won't be able to ignore it."

"You do know it won't be that clean." Rafael said coming to sit at her desk. "Counties will be sloppy, judges won't cooperate. You and I know what's out there, but Liv there's a reason all of this isn't being talked about. It's because this country doesn't want it to be talked about."

"So we make them."

"While they destroy thousands of rapekits to deny the problem?" She swallowed that. "You know I'm with you and David on this thing one million percent, but you better know what you're getting into. This won't just blow the lights out in New York this will storm under national spotlight until we're standing in front of congress or the Supreme Court. Can you handle that?"

As if on cue, her stomach turned. "Of course I can."

"So this it huh?" He smirked at her. "Thirty years from now, they'll tell the story of tonight. The hour Olivia Benson took her first step in rewriting history."

She smirked back at him. "Call us when you're ready."

As he was going, Olivia turned her head to see her husband opening the door holding her lunch.

"Hey, how are you?" David asked shaking Rafael's hand.

"Oh thank god," she mumbled, snatching the brown bag out of his hands.

"I'm good. I'm just on my way out. I don't have anymore time to spare but we'll link up soon." Rafael explained.

"Yeah, yeah. Of course. Good to see you."

Olivia curled up on the couch and dug through the bag for her cheeseburger.

"What, no kiss?"

Nope. She stuffed her face with fries. "Did you bring the banana pudding?"

"Yes."

"And did you buy extra for home?"

"Mhm."

"Thank you." Olivia uncapped the container and took a huge scoop of pudding, uncaring that it got all over her upper lip.

More fries.

She tried desperately not to react when he brushed her hair behind her ear and nuzzled close.

" _I miss you, cara_." He'd whispered, and despite her feelings she leaned into his arms, and locked her hands with his.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked her.

The fries clumped in her throat and they were painful to swallow. He was good. Too good. Like a living, breathing metal detector only instead of fallen pennies on the beach he could read every emotion down to the look in her eyes. She hated it and loved it at the same time.

"It's nothing, just work," she answered blankly.

"Hm. How much longer? I miss your arms around me."

She missed his too. Missed loving him without a care in the world. Their marriage had been episode, after episode, after episode of bliss. She never in a million years pictured that it would become too much to handle. She felt like she'd rushed into something too soon- Not marrying David, but something else.

And she was terrified of taking that next step, which surprised the hell out of her. Just a few weeks ago she was boasting how perfect everything was. She was so excited about it. Her life was exactly how she wanted it. She wouldn't change a thing if she could she just…

She didn't know.

Wished things weren't so damn complicated. Wished she wasn't so damn complicated.

She swallowed.

But making love did make her feel better. Even if she had anxiety every moment leading up to having him inside her.

She turned to look at him. "Tonight."

He frowned at her. "Don't do that."

Offer herself up solely for his pleasure, he meant.

"I'm not doing anything. I miss you too."

She kissed him for emphasis and he hit the accelerator, leaning her so far back into the couch that she had to grab the back of it to keep from going all the way down. She moaned feeling her skin warm, and then the chill of his hand underneath her shirt.

How the hell he untucked it from her pants without her noticing, she'd never know.

"You know we can see y'all right?"

They jumped hearing Fin in the room with them. David turned back to greet him frantically. "I was just getting something off her lips."

She sat up just as disheveled as he was.

"With your mouth?" Fin flared his brows.

"That's my queue," David smiled down at her, before giving her another kiss. He hugged her and whispered in her ear. "I love you, you know that?"

"I'll call you when I get off," Olivia nodded..

David kissed her hard on the cheek and walked out giving Fin a fist bump.

Olivia exited her office with her bag of fries, trying to sloppily shove her shirt back in.

"It's been a long time since I've seen you play tonsil hockey," he said.

"Was it too much?"

"No. I'm just glad you're so happy. You deserve him."

She watched David walk out of the precinct laughing with Carisi. "….I know."

"I didn't mean to scare him away, but Rollins thinks she has a break."

"Alright. Let's hear it- and grab me that cheeseburger on my desk will you?"

By the time she got home, she could hardly keep her eyes open, let alone think about sex with David. She closed her eyes feeling him kiss her up all over her face.

She averted her head. "You still smell like garlic." She told him as they laid together in bed. David did all the cooking for dinner that night and he was ripe with all the ingredients.

"Fine, then don't kiss me." He said, pulling the book out of her hands. It went flying across the room. "Do you still want to?"

She could go either way in all honesty. She did miss him, but she was so upset with everything going on, everything he knew nothing about, that she knew she'd be less than eager if they did make love. She shrugged.

"Do you?"

His face dropped and he looked at her. If he had been in the mood he wasn't anymore. He reached under the comforter, pulled her by the legs and dragged her body until she was underneath him. "What is it you're not telling me? What's wrong with you?"

He was so dramatic.

She had to admit though, he was a passionate one. Determined if not hell bent on getting to the bottom of her. A part of her hated that about him. He needed to know everything about her in order to feel secure. There was never anywhere for her to hide. She couldn't keep anything from him. And on the other hand she found it incredibly sexy. The amount of care and concern he had for her was paramount. He wasn't going to let this go, and if he did, she wasn't sure she'd love him the same.

"Nothing," she flashed a disbelieving smirk up at him.

"…Did you change your mind about trying?"

Olivia blinked, her face upturning in strong denial. "What? No!"

He dropped down on the bed landing next to her and pulled her close. "Then what is it?" She stared. "Olivia, you can tell me anything. I love you, and you're starting to worry me. Please…"

"I'm just…anxious."

"About what?"

She had a very good explanation, but she was backed into a corner with this one. If she told him about what was bothering her, and he turned out not to be in favor she would die. And on the other hand, if he did turn out to be in favor, then she'd ruin what she had to say with something so dark, and she didn't want that. She just wanted to be in love with her husband. She wanted to make her moments with him, but she was terrified that they wouldn't be what she bargained for.

That was cryptic, she knew, but she wasn't giving anything away, wasn't going to let her mind drift down those dark halls and corners tonight. She wanted as much time with him absolutely in love with her as she could get.

"Work," she lied. "And I don't want to talk about it."

"What can I do to help?"

"Hold me. Love me. Tell me you'll never leave me no matter what."

He obliged. She closed her eyes feeling him pull her into his arms. "You and you alone are everything to me," he kissed.

And for the first time in weeks, she slept the night through.

The next morning she joined David downstairs for breakfast decidedly in a better mood. His reassurance alone all night last night was remedy enough. She watched him flip pancakes on the stove, and tried not to laugh. He was a great cook but whenever he did, he made a mess. Everywhere. The bag of chocolate chips were hanging open on the counter with some spilled on the floor. He had flour in his hair and the sink was piled high.

She went up behind him and wrapped her arms around him.

"Are you hungry?" He asked as he held her hand.

"No."

He turned back to look at her.

"I made your favorite."

Olivia shook her head again, no. David frowned. "Are you sure you're alright? Your eyes. They're bloodshot."

"I'm fine," she kissed him before grabbing her banana pudding from the fridge. "This is plenty. I love you."

"Liv?" She heard him call her, but she was already on her way out.

As soon as she got to to the precinct Amanda was waiting for her with a new case.

"What happened?" She asked leading her into her office.

"Older guy, teenage girl, early this morning on the docks. A jogger heard her screaming for help, called right away and confronted the guy. The good samaritan's outside with Carisi giving an I.D."

"We lost him?" Olivia asked as she hung up her coat.

"Guy overpowered the jogger when he got distracted by the sirens. Hitched a ride on a motor boat- Liv, your shirt."

"What?" She looked down and saw her bra exposed. "Oh. Thank you."

Amanda frowned with a smile watching her try and fail to adjust the shirt. "Those midday cheeseburgers catching up to you?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. God she hoped not. Those burgers were the only things giving her any comfort. Something about that juicy meat with melted cheese and ketchup. And the old bay fries. Oh my god, she wanted that more now than an orgasm. She groaned. "Grab me my spare from the locker room will you?"

She slumped into her chair frustrated and pulled out her banana pudding. She was knuckle deep when Ed Tucker payed her a visit.

Amanda came back with a new blouse. "This was all I could find."

Olivia stared at it as it fell on her desk. Her anxiety coming back ten fold. She arched her brow, mentally punching herself in the gut. It was Elliot's old shirt. Why did she even still have that thing? "There wasn't another one?"

"Nope. Sorry, Liv. Room's ready for you."

"Ok I'm coming."

"Tucker's here too. Says he needs to talk. Want me to handle it?"

"No. Just keep the witness comfortable. I'll be done with Ed in a minute."

Amanda notions for Tucker to go in, and boy did he ever. He wasn't still at IAB, but he looked just as cold as he used to. Boyscout blood. Even though he left the force he would always carry an extremely clean cut way about him. Would always have that dominant male in charge walk.

"Should I give her a bone too?" He rasped.

"I don't know. Give me a reason to throw her a stick."

"She's standing outside."

"She's just looking out for me." She shrugged. "Is everything alright?"

"I need a favor. There's a woman I'm trying to locate. She's illegal. And she's in danger. I'm worried if she sees me she'll think I'm a cop and run, only getting herself hurt in the end."

Olivia blinked. "Why do you want me to do it?"

"Because you're sensitive. She'll trust you. And because my contacts will deport her if they know the truth."

"What is she mixed up in?"

"What does it matter?"

"I'm not 20 years old anymore. I can't just risk my life without knowing some of the details."

"The husband's making you soft?"

"Not exactly."

Ed sighed. "Mob." Olivia blinked. That was a big favor. "Look she's a friend of a friend. She's been victimized. If you don't want to do it, just find out where she is."

Olivia tilts her chin up. "You gonna talk to me about Marisol."

"No."

"What's going on between you two?"

"I didn't know you two were related."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Tell David I'm sorry if I over stepped."

He left.

Such a grump.

She pulled the blouse off her desk and walked it back into the locker room before interrogating the witness. Already desperate for the day to end. But as soon as she got home she found herself desperate for the week to end. David thinking she was better after last night was all over her, and once again she had been firm in pushing him away. He loved her so much he didn't care but she could feel something inside of him slowing down, and she hated that. He didn't rush to greet her anymore if he was home. They didn't kiss each other first thing in the morning like they used to.

The whole thing was really impossible.

By the time Saturday had come she was crawling across the finish line. She was in desperate need of a girls day, so in addition to having the girls over, she called up Alex to come and spend time with her.

They met each other at she and David's old condo and took the girls swimming in the indoor pool.

Isabella was sitting in between her legs so she could braid her hair, and she was having the best time.

"Do I look pretty, auntie Alex?"

Isabella asked as she stuffed goldfish into her mouth.

"What?" Alex teased, scrunching up her face down at her. "You are so beautiful I can't stand it," she tickled her.

"Alex hold her still!" Olivia begged, groaning when Isabella crushed her breasts trying to get away.

"Your Zia is doing the most amazing job on your hair baby girl. I can't wait to eat you up." Olivia smiled as they rubbed noses.

"Are you going to get in the pool with me and Mia?" Isabella asked out of breath from laughing so hard.

"Mhm. As soon as Zia and I talk for a little bit. We're going to play a game."

"Zia?"

"Yeah baby?"

"You have to talk really really fast ok?"

Olivia pulled her deep into her arms and bit her cheeks, earning a lot of giggles. "Ok missy."

She let her go and run off to be with Mia.

Alex whined. "So cute, I want to eat her for breakfast."

Olivia rolled her eyes. She knew that feeling all too well. "I know."

"You want a Sangria?"

"No I shouldn't. I think I might be pregnant."

Alex jumped like a cat on a hot tin roof. Her whole body swinging off the beach chair so she was sitting up to face her. "What?"

"I'm not positive. But if I pick up another spoon for banana pudding…"

Alex still excited was leaning closer and closer. "Does David know?"

"No. I haven't told him anything yet."

"What do you mean?" Her hands flailed.

"We haven't been trying that long. He can't be that good."

"Of course he can. He's perfect in everything else, why not baby making? You stopped taking the pill two months before the wedding. It's the fourth week of October. You've probably had weeks of great unprotected sex. You know better than I do, all it takes is one time."

The girls called out to Olivia. "Zia, watch me do this!"

"Have you had any symptoms?"

Had she.

She'd been in denial with every run in, but the longer and longer everything went on, the harder it got to ignore, and hide. Just the other night David had called her out on using too much toothpaste (on account of her vomiting nearly every hour), she couldn't fit her clothes anymore (Amanda had witnessed that with her own eyes) and she kept ordering the same thing for lunch. Not to mention the exhaustion, tender breasts. Her libido was all over the place. She was irritable, frustrated, and most of all _anxious_.

"Just a couple," she mumbled.

A couple.

More like an avalanche.

"Pee on a stick. What's the worst that can happen? It comes up negative? Even then that's good because you caught the symptoms of something else early."

"I will…Eventually."

Alex changed her tune, hearing Olivia's tone over her own excitement for the first time. It was less than enthusiastic, she knew that much.

"Are you nervous?" Alex asked her boldly.

It was the obvious question but for some reason it made her feel more comforted than she had in weeks.

She shrugged. "I wanted this." She wanted to be pregnant with David's child and she wanted to move on from her past. She was desperate to. She had scars from some of her other relationships and she just wanted to let them all go, and be done with it. She was married. Living in a home. A baby would sling shot her life down the road she'd been trying to go down her whole life. Normalcy.

"You have a right to be, you know? It's ok to want it, and ok to be scared, but I hope you are. I for one, am still anxious to be a godmother."

The girls jumped into the pool again.

"The truth is I'm scared that if I am, I'll have to tell him, and I'm terrified of what he'll say. I won't survive losing either one of them. I can't go through that again." Her voice cracked at the end.

As much as she wanted to get pregnant, as hard as she worked to make that happen, she couldn't ignore her not so distant past or that time when she already had been the woman she wanted to be. David didn't just put her back together after a bad relationship, he put her back together after having an abortion.

She was just finishing up her first trimester, and the father, a man she trusted and loved with every fiber in her being was an echo of David. They were two very different men, but echoes of each other. He said all the right things. Made her believe that they were partners in life together. Made her believe that she was his person.

Having their baby was a big moment for their life. Special and needed. And she thought, because he'd watched her struggle with parenting, seen first hand how much she wanted a child, that it was something he wanted too. He said as much when they fucked.

But sure enough when the time came he was completely disinterested. Not just in the baby but in her too.

Needless to say she was a nervous wreck.

She knew she had no reason to be. David loved her. Married her. When they talked about getting pregnant he said that he was ready, but still in all the same, she couldn't shake how horribly familiar all of it was. And if David didn't want this baby, if he didn't want any baby, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was going to crack for good.

She swiped at her eyes.

Alex sat up and leaned closer to her.

"You guys talked about it right? I thought he was on board. Did he say something that makes you feel like he wants to put it off?" Alex asked softly.

"No. Of course not. He's done nothing but try, I just..." her voice trailed off.

"Liv?" She said quietly, taking her hand tightly in hers. "David is going to love that baby more than he loves you. And we _all_ know how much he loves you. When you tell him, he's going to die from all the love he has. You think he won't be there? You think he's not going to lose his mind showering you day after day? All he talks about when you're not around is how much he can't wait until you two have kids."

Olivia looked up at her then. Her hands shaking from trying to hold the tears in. "Really?"

"Are you kidding? My coworker asked me if he was gay because when she tried to make a pass at him, she found him looking at dresses online. When I asked him about it, he said he was looking at maternity clothes for you. I thought you were already pregnant but he just laughed and said he was trying to get a head start." Olivia laughed through her tears suddenly wishing he was there with her. "And then he swore me to secrecy and told me he'd kill me If I mentioned it to you."

"I'm so lucky aren't I?" She croaked.

"Honey, you have no idea." Alex hugged her. "If you're pregnant. Tell him. Find out, be sure, and tell him. Trust me, it will make him the happiest man alive."

That night after she put the girls to sleep, she stayed up to clean the sun room. There was glitter everywhere, paint, nail polish, stuffed animals and popcorn strewn on the floor.

"Don't tell me you went out like that."

She turned around and saw David standing at the top of the stairs. "Went out like what?"

Her tone was dead but she knew he was hard over her bathing suit. It was black. Stringy. Lacey. Left little to the imagination. She had a coverup but it got in the way when she bent down to get the popcorn off the floor. It was late. She didn't care about walking around the house without it, and she didn't care about David catching her. Ever since talking to Alex, all she wanted was for him to come home so that he could fuck her senseless.

He stepped up to her, testing to see if she'd move out of reach. She hadn't.

"This is pretty sexy for a play date."

"What about for you?" She asked wrapping her arms around him.

"For me?"

"Mhm."

"I like a little more skin."

She kissed him. "I can do that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

She pulled his shirt out of his pants, and undid the buttons. "I want you inside me."

"Where?"

She knelt down in front of him. "Everywhere."


	9. Urge

_Now_

Olivia had a lot on her plate with the summit- organizing her summit statement, meeting with senators. He knew most of them and was able to weed out who was pro reform and who wasn't but still, it was a lot.

She was struggling to balance everything. And no matter what he tried, he couldn't seem to get her to relax. He just couldn't wait until it was all over so he could get his wife back.

Not that watching her change the world wasn't satisfying, but he was worried. She wasn't herself and he felt so damned useless. Every time he brought up the summit thinking she needed to talk about it, she would open up, and the more and more she did, the more and more he felt like there was something else bothering her. She was nervous he knew, the summit was a big deal. It would be the foundation of their rape kit reform plan. But what she was displaying was chronic, crippling anxiety and she had no intention of bringing him into the middle of it. She pushed him away mostly. Cried over the most ridiculous things. It was scary. And she wouldn't let him help, stressing that it was only work.

By the time the big day rolled around he had chalked her behavior up to her impossible desire to have everything be perfect. These issues and SVU were so important to her, he imagined she was making herself sick trying to spear head the conversation.

Finding her curled next to the toilet a few days before the big day only confirmed that. If it were over anything else, they would've had a fight over her it, but because it was the summit, he let it go, and just held her and slowly fed her saltine crackers over the course of two days. Silently praying that the big day would come already.

To busy himself, he actually planned a surprise get together at their condo building. He invited everyone. Her people from SVU, his sister and the kids- much to his reluctance, Ed too. It was a hit. Just what she needed. As soon as they walked into the night club together, she lit up seeing everyone and when the night finally carried her to his arms everything seemed right again.

"You did all of this?" She asked as they swayed together.

She meant the decorations. The club was strewn up with flowers floor to ceiling and leading into it had been like walking through a forrest. Her favorite chef was making dinner for everyone. They had a cake.

"Of course I did," he said, drawing her near, his hand in the small of her spine pressing her as close as he could. "For you, I'd give you the world."

"Stop, I'm getting emotional." She warned.

"So get emotional." His lips brushed her cheek bone, and then brushed the softness below. "This is your life baby. I'm here with you. You're here with me. It's been a long time coming for both of us but we're here. That's all that matters."

"Stop talking."

"I'm just so proud of you. You're the strongest person I know, Liv. Everything you've been through, everything you're doing. You're a fighter. And even though I like to pretend that I'm so good at taking care of you, the truth is, you're taking care of me. Loving me, turning me into a better man. I don't want to be anyone but who I am when I'm with you." She laughed, and the sound was rich and warm. Then her smile died. "I know it wasn't wasn't easy. Life has been unkind, but if it brought me to you…" his voice trailed off as he curled her hair around his fingers.

"No, life wasn't kind at all. I don't know why the cost is so high, but I do know, it was worth it. And I'd do it all over again." She bit her lip, struggled to find her voice. "You have given my life so much meaning."

"You had a very full life without me."

She had wrapped her arms around him. "But it wasn't complete. Not without you," she answered, leaning closer to him, not carrying if they stopped dancing all together. "It was a life, but loving you has made it worth it, and being loved by you "Being loved by you, is all I could ever ask for," she whispered to him as he held her. She kissed him passionately and he fell harder for her.

"I love you so much it hurts, you know that?" He told her as they swayed.

She was smiling the most beautiful radiant smile up at him. Her cheeks golden and rosy. Her eyes all lit up. "I do, because I can feel it inside me. In my bones. Every moment, of every day, and it makes me believe all things are possible."

He wiped her eyes with his big thumb. Seeing her up there in front of the commissioners and the generals, and the captains, it was surreal really. And the fact that it was his wife standing in front of all those people…The fact that it was his Olivia….he was overwhelmed with the best kind of pride. The kind you get from loving someone to the fullest extent of admiration. If it had been anyone else in that room, or at the helm of this movement they were starting together, he wouldn't have had the faith in the vision that he had now. All of this, every inch of their work to help survivors had been conceived entirely out of Olivia's own imagination. This was her dream. Her territory. Her mark in history, and getting to see her bring it to life, getting to see her transform society was spellbinding. Her work, dark as it was, made her shine. All of her strengths. All of her confidence was highlighted in the essence of her organic need to help survivors.

She was intoxicating.

"All things are possible," he repeated. "You sound so sure."

"I am." Her voice went way up. High pitched. The way it did when she was so upset about something. Or excited. She took his hand and pressed it against her torso.

He hadn't even registered at first. He had still been so tied up in being in love with her that he didn't catch on. But the smile he loved so much softened to a deep, quiet expression. She took on a stillness that whispered too closely to bliss. And that's when he knew. When they stopped swaying. When her eyes, normally a warm hazel brown turned into deep, black beads of moon light.

The rush of blood that went to his head swelled in his skull, and his face went numb, forcing his eyebrows to crease. He pressed against her more intently.

 _No._ "A baby?" He croaked.

"Our baby," she agreed.

"You're pregnant?"

She nodded, unable to hold her smile as she began to cry.

Before that moment he thought 'my heart crumbled' was just an expression, but he had felt it. On God he felt it. His stomach plummeted. And suddenly he became abundantly aware of her. He felt an intense feeling of adrenaline thick in his heart. Felt it stretch and pinch and fight hard to jump out of his chest as all of her tantrums started to make sense. The crying, the anxiety, the sickness. She had been carrying their child the whole time. She was pregnant. They were going to have a baby. Happy didn't even begin to describe what he was feeling. He didn't know what to do. What to think. What to say. All he knew was that she had just completely consumed him in the most beautiful way.

"Really?" He croaked, holding her face possessively.

She started to say yes but he didn't let her answer. He had kissed her aggressively, deeply, on impulse, as much and as long as his heart could take. He expected she'd come to him with news soon, but the shock of it. He was overwhelmed with the most unimaginable love. The kind that made it hard to breathe. It was endless.

He dragged her off the dance floor to somewhere more private. Out of view. And kissed her again only that time it was all lust. He needed to be inside her. He needed to show her how absolutely more in love with her he was. Shamelessly he moved his hand lower, undoing her suit pants before slipping his hand inside.

He heard her gasp.

"I have to get you home," he croaked. "I need to be inside you. Right now."

She squeezed her thighs together. Holding his hand in place. "Take me upstairs."

Back to their old condo. As soon as she suggested it he drove her out of the party like a mad man. They had barely gotten through the door, before he was inside her.

The sex was out of control.

He still had bits and pieces of it. He remembered bending her over the couch, pummeling into with reckless abandon, until their was a straight assault on her cervix. The moon light cascading her skin. The feel of her hair against his face when she moaned. He had fucked her hard. Urgently. Claimed every inch of her body as his without doubt or reservations, until she was coming all over him. By the time they finished they had exhausted themselves. Their heartbeats irregular. Their skin sticky and sweaty, clinging to each other.

He loved her to sleep.

And while she rested he drew patterns all along her stomach. Kissing, whispering sweet nothings in Italian. When she woke the next morning and found him lying in the same place, staring at her, his hand glued to her torso, she became emotional all over again.

"You're really happy about this?" She asked, stoking his face as she slowly came out of her sleep.

He kissed the supple curve of her hand and mimicked the earlier movement of his thumb across her stomach."Yes."

She smiled behind her closed, sleep laden eyes. "I was so nervous that you weren't going to be."

" _Che dici?_ What are you saying? We've been trying. This is what you wanted. It's what I wanted. This is a good thing." He trailed off and hung his head low and nuzzled their noses together until she opened her eyes. "There's nothing I want more than you and a house full of our beautiful, brown eyed, cop babies."

Her heart was pounding hard. So hard he could see her pulse jumping from her throat. He kissed her instinctively. A renewed and reinforced hunger for her rolling off his tongue.

"You should've told me as soon as you suspected anything. Do you have any idea how long I've waited to hear you say this?" He whispered softly. With their arms wrapped tightly around each other, she started to emerge. The color started to return to her cheeks.

She arched her brow. "Humor me."

It was a rhetorical request, but David didn't fault her for it. Olivia needed constant reassurance. "Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Marrying you gave me a purpose. But this child, our child," he leaned into her. "This completes me the way it completes you. I've been fantasizing about this moment since we first met."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Liar."

She thought he was just kissing her ass now.

"No, no, no, no." She smirked nonchalantly as he buried his face in her hair. "That day when I invited you to dinner and you met Mia and Isabella for the first time. That's when it started. Every time we made love after that day, I kept wishing and hoping." He kissed, palming her soon to be curve. "I can't wait to hold you both like this in a room full of people. Can't wait to tell everyone my wife is pregnant. How far along are you?" He rasped.

He felt her exhale deeply. "Nine weeks."

"How long have you known?" He pushed her hair behind her ear.

"Almost a month."

His heart broke and he held her tighter. "A month?" He echoed. He was unhappy that she hadn't told him but he had to be understanding. She needed to work up a lot of trust and confidence before telling him this sort of thing. And it was his fault that she hadn't had any. His brows furrowed. "I will do better." he kissed her.

Before him, Olivia had been with someone else. Gotten pregnant. Had an abortion. So all of this was bittersweet. Despite her wanting to have a baby, he had worried initially that she might get cold feet. That she was biting off more than she could chew. She hadn't really allowed herself to have anytime to think about what getting pregnant again would mean. He was terrified she was going to wake up one morning with a whole in her heart for all the things that could've been. They hadn't even really talked about getting pregnant except for the night that she asked him and the small things they said to each other out of mutual anticipation. He never had the chance to reaffirm himself with her, or let her know that if it did happen, things were going to be different.

"It's what I needed." She shrugged in his arms. "I wasn't ready to tell you. I just wanted to be pregnant for a while in case you wanted differently."

"Wanted differently?" He didn't follow. "I don't want different, I want you. I want you both. It hurts me knowing that you didn't feel like you could tell me sooner, but I understand. And I'm not going to stop until it's clear to you how important this is to me. If you knew how much I love you, you'd know that I've never wanted anything more in my life than this child. I love our baby so much, Olivia. Even more because they're apart of you. I want this. And I'm going to be here every step of the way. You're not alone. You're never alone. Promise me, you'll let me take care of you, ok? Don't push me away. Please. I can't stand it."

She had stared at him at a loss for words, before nodding and letting him run his fingers through her sex wild hair.

"The last time I did this, things were very different for me," she said softly. "As happy as I was when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified because of everything that went on in my past. It brought up a lot of horrible memories. Things I didn't expect to haunt me did, and I needed time to get my headspace right. I'm still getting used to you and the way you love me," she stroked his cheek.

"You're with me now," he told her. "You don't have to be afraid. I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

"...I had a plan to surprise you," she said after a while.

"Hm."

"This could be our only pregnancy. I wanted to do all the things that other mothers do."

"You will. We're going to have a house full of babies when I'm through with you."

He kissed her hard so she fell onto her back again. And when she instinctively spread her legs for him. He made love to her slowly, sinking home in one heavy thrust. Holding her thigh over his waist, he rocked into her hard, making the bed move each time.

She was exquisite.

The way her eyes would open and close. The way her mouth and eyebrows would contort into deep satisfaction.

She clawed at his back begging him not to stop. Her perfect lips pressed against his neck until he finally felt the head of his cock thrust up against her cervix at the same instant his torso touched hers. They were made for each other and fit together perfectly. Holding himself deep inside of her, he bent down and kissed her again. She returned it opening her mouth in his and snaking her tongue passed his lips. They embraced tightly, and kissed deeply with their hips flattened against each other. The passion that poured out through their bodies brought on white fever, until pleasure embraced them and they collapsed in each other's arms, consumed by their love, immediately falling asleep.

Later she woke him with her mouth before riding him in the way only she could. Her body looking so beautiful as she brought herself to orgasm again and again.

"I love you so much," she'd whispered before sitting on his cock again. "Only you…just you."

And while her whispers turned into soft, desperate cries for more he left marks all over her. Thighs. Neck. Breasts. Ribs. Ass. Everywhere. And then sent her off to work just so she could come home and they could do it all over again.

By the time they'd stopped, the sunlight had peaked into the morning. He wrapped her up in blankets and let her straddle his chest so he could kiss their baby. She held his head against her, running her fingers through his hair as he warmly kissed and kissed her skin. There was so much love in that moment, he thought. Holding Olivia that morning, with his forehead pressed against their baby, his soul had found home.

The weeks that followed were some of the best moments of his life. She became completely different with him. She was so honest and open about everything. They talked a lot which was sacred to him. Nothing was off limits. She told him everything. Everything she was feeling, talked more about her past, and work, and her concerns. Which was new and big for her. They had a close relationship before, but it was so flirtatious. Sprinkled with newlywed bliss. She had moments with him in the past where she shared, but they were almost always fleeting and short-lived. Now though, everything was different. She trusted him. Really trusted him. She even flaunted her keen sense of humor. All through her morning sickness they would laugh together. Every chance she got she would wrap herself in his arms, and each day she grew more and more confident about the pregnancy.

She was in her prime.

Her honesty. Her vulnerability. Made it that much easier to hurt her in the end.

Alex shifted uncomfortably in front of him. Her straight pointed nose staring at him under her glasses. She had bookworm glasses. The hot teacher type which always made him laugh because she was a total prude. Self made, but born and raised in Connecticut to a wealthy family. Frat and plaid Republicans Fed Exed from South Carolina and Texas respectively. She had a questionable brother in the sense that he'd never leave a woman he loved alone with him, and apparently other fathers and husbands and brothers felt the same. The guy was a 40 year old, unmarried, doesn't matter, I'll just pay someone to have sex with me kind of guy. No kids miraculously, so carrying on the good Cabot name was Alex's responsibility.

Queue another laugh track.

She was the bane of her parent's existence. A truly smart, and educated woman. A Pro choice, democratic, vegan. Sexuality TBD. Too Bad Dad, I'm gay.

\- I think.

She was in denial honestly. Never went out unless it was with Olivia or Casey, or some drunk idiot in a red sweater. He pointed out red sweater because no straight man working as a lawyer would get caught dead wearing a red sweater in the office. Even if it was cashmere. Needless to say she had a very small group of friends, and considered working out to be a hobby. And if that truly wasn't big strap, top energy, then he wasn't sure what was.

She leaned forward agitated and clumsy.

"What the hell aren't you telling me?"

She said it frustratingly but he could hear the worry in her voice underneath his 3am buzz. Miraculously.

He felt his knuckles burn again. They were bruised and cut to hell. He had dried blood stained on the palms of his hand. Truly a fucking nightmare to look at he imagined. But as scary as he was, and as desperate as she needed to know, he wasn't going to spill. He blinked rigidly, and stumbled back into the past. Back to the beginning when thing were still good.

They had made a pact not to tell anyone about the baby until she was certain there were no risks. And despite him promising over and over and over again, that he wasn't going to say anything he had sent over a hundred white peonies and roses to her office the day after she told him.

And when he walked into work himself he told Abbie the minute he'd found her pulling reports in her office for his review.

"Congratulations, brother." She'd smiled hugging him tightly that morning. "How does it feel?"

"Honestly? I didn't think it was possible to love her more than I already do- and the baby? I just can't wait meet him or her. They're going to be everything she is."

"Girl or boy?"

"She's too early for us to know, but I'm happy either way. If she gives me a son, I will teach him to love her the way I do. If she gives me a daughter, then I will teach her to be strong like her mother."

He blinked.

"Can I get you anything else?" The waiter asked him as he set a ginger ale in between them.

"No thank you, that'll be all," Alex answered for him. She waited until they were alone to coddle him. "Eat this." She shoved the burger and fries she ordered in front of him. He didn't want it.

"Eat it," she said again. "You're going to need your strength."

He couldn't.

"You're not talking. You're not eating. You're drinking yourself to a pulp. Please fucking explain to me how that's going to help bring Liv back."

 _Alex. Always the lawyer_.

"David." She pressed again. He looked at her but all he saw was Olivia. Her dark chestnut eyes glistening at him. The honey brown of her hair curled around her face.

He felt his face prickle.

"I'm not hungry."

"Have you called your sister and spoken to the kids?" She tried.

He shook his head no. He couldn't face them yet. "I think you should be with them until this blows over."

"No." He said firmly.

"David, they're your family."

He kicked the table over. The food. The glass. The wine and soda splashing all over the place. The noise had sent him back into the kitchen, and he saw flickering images of Olivia and her blood, and their faces as they silently shouted at one another. Frenzied as the images were, they pushed him into stillness and calm. "I said no," he said quietly, standing up to shake off the wine and fries all over his shirt.

He smiled. God damn him he smiled as he wiped the food off him.

The waiters, his staff, came over and cleaned everything up. Jack his manager came over immediately.

"Mr. Haden, is everything alright?"

"I'll take care of it in the morning Jack, just…clean this up." He threw the towel on the ground with the rest of mess on the floor.

"David." Alex tried again.

He looked at her and he knew that he'd just scared the shit out of her. Her thin bony body was stapled to the chair as she stared up at him. A rosy winter blush in her cheeks brought on by a chill in the skin.

Oh, she was terrified. In a, I don't know who you are, what did you do to my best friend kind of way. But as far as he was concerned, she honestly didn't fucking need to know. It was better if she knew nothing at all. He would be doing her a favor by keeping his mouth shut.

He turned around and left her there.

He walked outside into the cold air and Olivia was standing there waiting for him at the foot of the sidewalk, in the middle of oncoming traffic. She looked at him, smiling in her way, before ducking down into the black town car that waited open for him.

He followed her closing the door shut behind him before Alex could follow.

The car pulled off, and in the darkness, he felt her arm snake under his and her head rest against his shoulder. And every now and then she would strum his arm with her thumb. Silently. Methodically. While he watched the lights flash by. Time seemingly bending to a halt, just so they could be together.

Orchids.

Fire.

Skin.

"I'm sorry," he blurt out.

He meant every syllable too. Now that his DNA was in the system, in a few hours when they discovered the body he buried, it would become abundantly clear just how much he meant that. How truly, truly sorry he'd been. And then everyone would know how desperately he loved his wife.

To death.


	10. Gifts

_Then_

 _November 2015_

"You should be sleeping." David said coming to stand behind her.

She wanted to, but she couldn't get over the view. An open sea under a deep indigo, midnight sky. The biggest full moon she'd ever seen, and the cool night air was breath taking. They'd taken a quiet trip to Sardinia for a few days to just be with each other and celebrate their miracle. The baby was growing healthy and strong. Right on track for nearly four months. In a few more days she'd be in her second trimester if you could believe it, and all of it was such a blessing.

Between the abortion and her age she had fears that the pregnancy would only bring heartbreak. She thought, no one could be so lucky. They had been trying for a little less than a month before she realized she was carrying again. Granted they had been having sex round the clock, but still. Getting pregnant so soon was a surprise, and once she got over the initial fear of telling him, her worries shifted into maternity.

She grew so nervous about her first prenatal visit post blood test that she postponed her chance to get a sonogram and hear the heartbeat twice. Eventually going in two weeks after the fact- with David's hand in her back.

Making love kept her mind off of things until the appointment. Without discussing it with her he had her medical records transferred to an upscale private practice where he was certain she was going to get the best care. They had a world class neonatal surgeon and OBGYN on staff. It was more than she could ever hope for.

"Are you alright?" He had asked, reaching over to cup her face as they drove towards fifth avenue.

"Of course I am."

"You're feeling sick again?" He pressed his foot on the breaks prepared to stop if she needed to.

"No. I'm fine. The baby's fine. I feel good." She palmed her hand over her swell, hoping to soothe the life growing there.

Another two blocks.

"Liv," he tried again.

"What?"

"Talk to me."

"I am."

He arched his brow up at her. She shrugged. And when she didn't give in he attacked her head on.

"You know, I thought this was going to be different."

"What do you mean?"

"You being pregnant. I thought you really wanted to share this with me, but you kept it a secret for a month. And now, our first appointment to hear the heartbeat and see the baby together, you keep rescheduling and it feels like you're not here with me. Is this because of your past?"

"No I just…" he was waiting to hear intently what she had to say she realized. "I don't want to get my hopes up incase something happens. I'm not three months yet. Close, but not yet."

"Nothing's going to happen."

"You don't know that."

"I do. Just like I know you'll have more pregnancies after this one." She shied away from him and he knew she thought he was being impractical. "I know you're worried because of your age but plenty of women have healthy babies at this stage in their lives. It's normal. You should've told me as soon as you found out. Even if you were scared. No matter what happens, we're raising this baby together. We're a team."

She hadn't resolved.

"Ok." He said, pulling over. "What are your fears. Let's get them all out on the table. Because you being pregnant is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I want to experience my joy with you, but I know this is hard. So let it all out. I'm here."

She looked at him, squeezing his hand on the armrest.

"Well, I'm worried I'm going to miscarry."

"Liv-

"With my age and the abortion. It can happen," she told him. Abortions don't cause miscarriages in future pregnancies, but botched jobs do. And she had some uterine wall scarring that haunted her like you wouldn't believe. "As soon as we get out of the first trimester, I'll feel better."

"That's in three weeks."

"I'm aware."

"It'll be here before you know it." He cupped her face, but she was still skating on ice. "Liv?" He tried again, gently stroking her shoulders before taking her hands.

She was silent a long time unable to put into words what she was feeling. Trying hard to find a way to get him to understand without making him think that she was having second thoughts.

"I'm also afraid that because of my age the baby might have a disability with their learning and cognitive skills, or something more serious like a defect. There's a ten percent risk that they'll have down syndrome or an autism. It goes up to thirty percent when I turn 45 and my chance of miscarrying goes up fifty percent."

"And if it happens, I will love them all the more. We'll take it one step at a time. They'll have the best care. The best support team. You know that."

She wasn't convinced.

"Liv. This baby is you and me. This is our love for each other coming together. There's nothing that could happen that would make me think that they're gonna be anything less than perfect. Or that _you_ are any less than perfect." His chest got heavier. "And if you miscarry, we will try again."

She cupped his face. Her thumb running against his cheek absent mindly.

"You're going to be the most amazing father," she whispered.

"I'll be lucky if I'm half the parent you are."

Since then, just knowing he was behind her made her feel a world of security, and she did grow more confident than ever with her pregnancy. Her nerves had been shot to hell, but they made it to that appointment on time and they had the sweetest doctor. Olivia fell in love with her immediately. She was so fiery and kind. Knew all the tricks to get her to calm down from working in Peds most of her career. Her blonde hair was a lot like sunshine, and she had great energy.

They needed that.

"It's very lovely to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Haden. I'm doctor Robbins."

Olivia gave her left hand to shake, while her right was locked tightly around David's the whole time. "It's lovely to meet you too," she smiled warmly.

"Congratulations on your pregnancy."

"Thank you."

"I know you probably have a lot of questions but I promise you as soon as we do your ultrasound, that number is going to drop way down to just one."

Olivia smirked. "I doubt that."

"Try me. Shall we get started?"

Olivia nodded.

They had to get a transvaginal ultrasound. Olivia had already done this once before but it was still new to him, and as soon as he saw the baby on the black and white screen he lost it. He didn't even know what he was looking at. The screen looked like white noise from an old television set, but the baby was there.

And the heartbeat.

Once they heard that sound, Olivia was none the wiser.

"So guess what?" Doctor Robbins quipped as she printed their sonogram photos. "I talked to your husband before we met today and he expressed some of your concerns. And did you know, that because we heard your baby's heartbeat today, your risk of miscarrying just dropped to 3 percent?" She held up their first sonogram photo for them both to see. "I know you're worried with this being a high risk pregnancy, but it's actually a lot more common than you think. Plenty of women have healthy babies at this stage in their lives. The best thing you can do is just enjoy it. That means we only have one question today right?" She pointed at the wall and there was a strip of pink paint and a strip of blue paint.

"Pink or blue?" Olivia tried.

"Pink or blue." Dr. Robbins said with a wink and a smile. "Of course we want to express caution since Olivia's high risk and she's still very early in her pregnancy. Anything can happen. So we are all going to be on our best behavior for the next couple of weeks." They both nodded. "The first trimester is always risky for babies and moms so we're going to be monitoring you closely Olivia. That means more coming in to see me."

"Of course. Whatever I need to do." Olivia smiled behind her tears.

"I'm going to give you guys a minute to get dressed and swoon over that gorgeous fetus and then when I come back we'll talk more about your next visit." She patted Olivia's knee. "Everything will be fine."

As soon as Dr. Robbins left they embraced each other.

" _Non devi avere paura. Tutto andrà bene._ "

That time when she kissed him, she let him Fedex every ounce of anxiety she'd been feeling off to hell.

She was ten weeks. Their baby was the size of a strawberry. Even if it didn't last, in that moment they were a family and stronger than ever.

Without even thinking they went straight to Magnolia bakery and ordered a large dish of banana pudding to celebrate. And as she sat there at the restaurant for hours staring at the sonogram photo, falling so in love with their strawberry, she aimlessly vowed that she was going to soak up every moment she could with him or her.

Unsurprisingly, David felt the same.

Had never been more than a few feet away since finding out about the baby. Couldn't seem to keep his hands off of her either.

She closed her eyes feeling him nip at her neck, a hand wrapped lovingly around her waist.

"That feels good," she smirked.

She wanted to say, "Just a little longer." Tonight was their last night in mediterranean paradise. But with the way he was touching her, and loving her, she couldn't. Her hormones were out of control.

He kissed her gently on the lips, and pulled the silk belt of her robe off letting the cool night air touch her skin, before stripping her of it entirely.

She turned around, her eyes leaving the ocean at last.

"I want to make love to you," he smiled against her lips and kissed her. The last thing she had on was a short, silky, slip and even that was on its way out the door. "Voglio scopare la mia bellissima moglie, piacere."

His large hand cupped her backside and he lifted her slightly until she could feel his arousal.

She gasped and wound her arms around his neck. "Let me take care of you first," she whispered softly, dipping her hand into his pants so she could stroke every blessed inch of his cock. He held her closer, a sudden uncontrollable mix of urge and need overwhelming him as he locked eyes with her.

She got down on her knees and pulled him out, his erection hitting her chin as soon as she did. She opened her mouth for him to ease in. Sucking, and slurping on what little she could manage before his precum started to coat her tongue. She moaned on him loving the sweet familiar taste coming off with a loud _plop!_

She addressed the rest with her tongue until he backed her up into a wall and slid between her lips again. One hand securely locked under her chin, the other on top of her head as he started to move against the back of her throat.

 _"Fuck, you feel so good_." He whispered, pulling back out to see that he was coated in a line of spit while she gasped underneath him. "Do you want more?"

She nodded opening her mouth for him again. Unable to keep from tasting him. She loved the feel of his cum dripping down her throat. The sensation went straight to her pussy.

He let her go on for a few more minutes until he couldn't take it anymore. He urgently pulled her up and got her up against the wall some more. His hands dropping down to bunch the silk of her slip up to her waist and then over her head. He hooked her thighs over his waist and thrusted in working her clit in one fell swoop.

She moaned hard, crushing his body against hers, running her hand passionately through his hair, as he started to pummel inside her. He attacked her neck, while he fucked her, marking her skin as hard as he could.

He felt so good, stretching her walls and sliding inside her. She all but lost it when he moved down to her breasts jumping at him. His mouth, gently sucking and swirling around her nipples.

"Oh god, baby," She cried. She jerked in his hands feeling herself let go. Her orgasm clenching him so hard he had to stop moving inside her.

His mouth covered hers catching the last of her moan and claiming it as his.

"Keep squeezing me like that," he whispered. "Keep squeezing your pussy on me just like that."

She made it last as long as she could before weakly releasing her thighs from around him. Seated in his arms, he carried her over to the bed. Careful to hold her as they fell backwards.

The swift, sharp movements got her going again, and within no time she was rocking back and forth against him. Rolling her hips in a slow, steady, deliberate rhythm. Loving the feel of him inside her. His enormous dick was so incredibly deep, that all she could manage was a trembling cry as she worked her pussy.

It wasn't the hot, primal, so good she couldn't even think sex that he loved, but going slow felt just as amazing to her. She enjoyed it. And having control turned her on even more. She shared a deep guttural moan from behind her lips and took his hands in hers, locking them together as she gently rocked up and down along his shaft.

The sweat was starting to break out on her chest, underneath her breasts. A burning heat swirling around her head.

"Want to see me cum?" She whispered heavily, going faster. David groaned beneath her. "-Fuck you so good with this pussy-" She moaned again feeling his balls sink against her hole. She bit her lips feeling her nipples and her walls pinch at the same time.

"Fuck me good," David growled gripping her neck to meet her, kissing her once more and pulling her back into his control. She wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling so in love she thought her heart was going to jump out of her chest. And it didn't help that he was now attacking her gspot.

Being both in love and in lust was a dangerous thing.

She kissed him until his lips became suffocating.

Eyes locked on each other, she started to lose control, her rhythm becoming sloppy as the pressure inside her began to build. " _Oh shit! Fuck! I'm cumming."_ She cried, her tone barely a whisper. " _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me!"_

With his help, David saw her through. "Cum on that dick baby." He whispered in her hair. He thrusted inside her hard, losing himself in the sound of her ass cheeks smacking against him. Only stopping when she jerked in his arms, almost leaping off his cock.

He pulled the rest of himself out, letting her catch her breath.

"Sei così bella."

He kissed her again forcing her to fall on her back in his arms, spun her around and planted her on the bed before spinning her again so her head was on the edge of the mattress. He spread her legs apart by the apex of her thighs, leaving her body exposed and open and his cock available to suck.

She took him in her mouth again, dying when she felt his spit, wet, fingers slide along her slick folds. She was growing sensitive. Swollen. And every time his finger circled around her hole she moaned desperately feeling the need to be filled consume her once more.

He tasted even better with her juices on him.

"Take it." He daringly tried to push another inch of his cock down her throat but with his length and girth he didn't get very far before her throat started to close.

But she loved it. Loved being used by him. He was never selfish about it. And he always made her feel so wanted. They shared a balance in that. Their pleasure was only at a peak when they were both dominant. She got off feeling him get off on her, and he got off feeling her get off on him. That sensual need was mutual, she thought as she slurped around the head.

She cried out feeling three of his fingers dip inside her. The pleasure now so good that her body couldn't contain it any longer. She sucked him harder, letting him know he was doing it right, and sent a needing hand down to work her clit.

She was moaning all over his cock, which he loved, and only made him him thrust harder and faster than she could handle. Knuckle deep, she heard him encourage her as her walls started to lock his fingers inside her. They were in sync when at last, the climax she had been building all night shot his fingers out and squirted all over them. He slapped her clit for good measure, making her jump.

"You're going to let me love you?" He asked as he pulled out of her mouth.

"Yes," she gasped.

"You're going to let me cum inside you?"

"Yes."

"Hold your legs apart." He turned her around again, this time intent on fucking the shit out of her, and without warning he thrusted inside her to the hilt. Though she had been prepared, nothing could take away that feeling. Feeling him inside her so deep. Stretching her so open.

He pumped inside her feverishly, earning every single word that came out of her mouth.

"You're so fucking messy," he groaned, slamming against the back of her thighs, adoring the now sticky creaminess of her sex. "You make me cum, you're gonna make me cum."

The announcement undid her, and she wrapped her legs around him, holding him close, feeling him splash against her cervix, both of them crying out as they came.

Talk about a vacation! That episode was perfect. Exactly what she needed to kill the mood of having to go home.

"I don't ever want to leave this place," she got out between quiet heaves for air.

David laughed above her, still buried so deep that she could feel every tremor from his perfect smile.

"Never lasts for about 6 more hours," he said turning her around his arms, careful not to leave her. "Gotta get you back to report for duty. 8am Monday morning Lieutenant."

"Mmmm." She replied feeling sleep starting to greet her at last with David's arms draped protectively over her.

She was glad she'd done everything to make that moment last. The journey back was anything but pleasant. First thing Monday morning she had three dead kids under the age of ten, and a fourth kidnapped by the same assailant. Took her six days before she got the son of a bitch in custody.

It had been the murder of all headaches but as soon as she saw the family reunite with their little boy in the middle of the precinct Wednesday evening, she knew without a doubt it had all been worth it.

It was always worth it.

"Struck a nerve?" Fin asked, coming to stand by her. She had been standing outside her office crying watching the two parents nurture their son.

She flared her eyebrows, shrugged, and retreated to her desk. He followed her.

"Liv, we got the guy. Kid made it without a scratch He's good. He gets to go home."

"I know I just…" she shrugged. "I can't imagine what they must be going through."

Fin jerked his head backwards, a sly smile creeping on his face. "Can you?"

"You would know. You've been all over my ass like glitter and glue since I got back from the wedding."

"I just want to make sure you're ok. You know. Work is stressful. And if you need anything, I'm your man. Marriage is a big step. Shit happens. Condoms break or don't break. It's as simple and easy as that."

Olivia glared at him. "David told you then."

"Look I'm a seasoned detective. I just made sergeant following your crazy ass into promotions. He didn't have to tell me anything. Of course I knew. I just figured you'd tell me when you were ready."

A beat.

"Are you ready?"

"I'm hungry," Olivia said, grabbing a spoon from her desk.

"Liv?"

"What?"

He gave her a look.

But all she did was walk over him heading once more out her office with a barely there smirk lifted on her face. "I'm pregnant."

He followed her into the staff kitchen.

"Congratulations, I'm real happy for you." He moved to hug her.

"Don't be," she tilted her chin up in his arms. "I don't want it getting out until I'm ready."

"Don't want what getting out?" Amanda said coming into to join them.

"New guy's M.O. Pretty gnarly stuff. Press will blow the case wide open if we're not careful." Fin covered smoothly.

"Since when does that warrant TLC?" Amanda frowned, half smiling in full disbelief.

"That was just the case…" Olivia pointed out to the hall as she cracked open a ginger ale.

Amanda resolved. "Yeah, I saw that. That hit close to home or something?"

"Or something." Olivia said turning around. She had her cop face on, telling Amanda to leave it alone.

The blonde shrugged. "How was the trip?"

"Beautiful."

"Yeah, looks like you had fun." Fin scratched and pulled at his collar before nonchalantly pointing at her neck. "You should put some dust on that before anyone sees you. I don't want any of these knuckleheads getting any ideas."

"Dust?" Amanda frowned in light hearted confusion.

"He means foundation. I'll take care of it." Olivia smirked. All too happy to revisit her passionate night of love making with her husband. She thought she'd been careful to cover up most of the love marks this morning but she'd been rushing having over slept with the baby.

When she got back to her office she uncapped her banana pudding and started to work on a whole new list of complaints. She'd spent about an hour with them when she got a call from David.

"Hey," she sounded as she placed her phone by her ear. "I've been trying to reach you. I was starting to worry."

David always answered. Always. When he hadn't replied to her calls, she was unsettled to say the least.

"I know, I'm sorry. I've been busy with something at home. What time do you think you're going to start heading back?"

She looked down at her watch. "It's only quarter to 2. I have to stay until at least 6. Why, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, I just want to be sure. What do you want me to pick up for dinner?"

"I'm ok, for now. Maybe just a cuban sandwich from that place by Nick's, with the pickles and the cajun mustard. Carmelized onions and fries."

David laughed on the other line. "What happened to 'I'm ok?'"

"I'm pregnant. I don't know what I want."

"Alright, I can't wait to see you guys. It'll be waiting here for you when you get home. I love you."

"I love you too," she frowned.

They hung up.

That was weird she thought, putting the phone down on her desk. He had been awol all day, and only called to see what time she'd be home? And what business did he have out of office? He had been swamped at the firm since they got back from the trip. She hadn't expected him to be home at all.

She wondered until 7pm when she was finally able to go home. She opened the front door and walked inside, surprised to see all the lights turned off.

"Baby?" She called out.

Nothing.

Maybe he'd gone out to get the food.

She hung up her things by the door and went up stairs to their room. She was peeling off her clothes when she noticed a light coming in from her bathroom. Stretching her arm back through her sleeves she walked towards it, opening the door to the adjoining bedroom and stopped dead in her tracks.

A barely audible gasp escaping her lips.

"What do you think?"

She exhaled again, this time a blurry fog blinded her eyes, but she didn't mind. She'd never be able to forget what she saw.

Warm, bright, oatmeal colored walls and beautiful wall treatment surrounded her. There was newly laid carpet and newly furnished cabinetry decorated with elegance installed all around the room. He made sure she had a changing table, a rocker, and a chandelier. Giant plush stuffed animals. And the most beautiful handmade crib she'd ever seen. All that mingled together with leisured black and white portraits of the two of them from their wedding, and in the middle of it was her husband surrounded by balloons and flowers.

While she was away at work he'd gifted her their nursery and it was perfect. So perfect.

He smiled at her, before closing the distance between them. He thumbed her tears away while holding her cheeks in his hands. "Tu sei il mio tutto e voglio che tu sia felice. Sei felice?" She nodded. "Con me?" She nodded again wanting to kiss him, but he wouldn't let her. "Quindi, sto vivendo un sogno. Un bel sogno. Questa stanza è il nostro amore. È bellissimo?

"So beautiful," she sniffled. He let her kiss him then. Finally. It was so warm. So humble and fulfilling. Nourishment for her soul.

"You like it?"

"Are you kidding? I love it," she wept. "This is unbelievable, David. Really. It's perfect. Our baby is so lucky..."

"I wanted nothing but the best for you both, only I was so unsure that you would like the colors. I didn't want to bother you. You're doing all the hard work carrying our child for 9 months, balancing work, making love to me." They laughed together at the last part. "I wanted to be able to take care of the rest, and just give you everything like I promised I would. You deserve it, my love."

He knelt at his knees and kissed her growing bump too.

"I love it, sweetheart. It's perfect. You did everything right." She cupped his face. "When did you do all of this?"

He stood again. "I had it painted and the carpet installed while we were away. The wood went up two days ago, but this morning after you left for work I took care of the rest." He pulled out a small stuffed bunny from behind and above her. "This one's for you."

"It's like a little meep," she laughed behind her wet eyes.

"A what?" He chuckled.

It had the most flappy ears, and it was light and cuddly. Not at all like the plush stuffed animals that were in all the stores. This one was different. It felt old. Vintage. Bespoke. But it was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. She could think of nothing else to call it, but Meep.

"A meep." she repeated. "I love it, I love all of it. It's so beautiful. Thank you baby." She kissed him as she hugged their baby between them.

"I'll run you a bath," he whispered. "Take your time." He kissed her forehead and let her be.

She had been paralyzed in shock, too much in awe to move. Hearing the bath water charging behind her had been the only thing to get her to move further inside. He made sure she had plenty of comfort she realized, seeing a couch on the far wall with fur pelt blankets splayed across the arm. And there were so many toys, she couldn't believe it. She smiled imagining him buying things at random from the moment he found out.

She scoffed underneath her breath. Some marriage this turned out to be, she thought as she ran her fingers along the wood design of the crib. Her life had been on a fast track since she said yes. The wedding was four months ago. She fell pregnant a month later. The summit, rape kit reform, and now this little nursery. Everything happened so fast, her heart couldn't seem to keep up with all the joy David was bringing her.

He, like this room, was perfect. She couldn't for the life of her understand how she'd gotten so lucky. After everything she'd been through, couldn't understand how she had been so blessed to share her life with her soul mate. They were meant for each other. And for the next two months. He did nothing but prove that.


	11. The Holidays

_Then_

 _December 2015_

That night, everyone told her, and told her, she was the luckiest woman in the world.

They weren't wrong.

To be able to discover yourself approaching 40 was a beautiful thing. To be able to discover yourself at any point in your life was a beautiful thing, but for her- now- in this moment when everything was so rich with life, when she was just who and where she wanted to be?

She was lucky

Fortunate.

Blessed.

Her life couldn't have been more perfect, she told herself as she watched David laughing and dancing with Amanda that night. It was Christmas Eve and they had all been called to attend the Commissioner's Gala. She and David had been going regularly since they started dating but with the new strides they'd been making with rape kit reform, the Commissioner wanted the entire squad there that night. She was glad for it too. She wanted all of her family to experience the decadence of this party. It was held every year in an upscale ballroom, brilliantly lit by dozens of chandeliers. At the top of the grand staircase they had an enormous Christmas tree that would light up at the stroke of midnight. Garland was everywhere. And during the last dance they would let fake snow fall from the ceiling. Their first time attending, David had kissed her in the middle of it, all but vowing that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her.

A smile curved her mouth, her eyes becoming darkly dreamy as she recalled how it had felt to be in his arms just a few minutes before. The way he had held her close to the strength of his body, his kiss at her ear. He was dying to tell everyone about the baby, but she warned against it. Christmas Eve would've been magical but with so many of her superiors in the room she knew the minute word got out, calls would be made to have someone take her place, well before she was supposed to be on maternity leave. Ridiculous, patriarchal, and archaic but unavoidable.

Thankfully, he didn't fight with her about it, and besides, he knew she enjoyed keeping the secret just between them. Though it was hardly to be one for much longer. She was starting to show.

"You alright there Lieu?" Sonny asked leaning over her with a breadstick hanging out of his mouth.

 _This child_.

"Come here," she smirked. He knelt down beside her and she brushed the crumbs from his chin. "You're getting yourself all dirty."

"Ah don't worry about it. It's an old suit. I wore this to the junior prom."

Of course he did.

"Can I get you something? You barely touched your dinner. What's the matter with you? You alright?" He repeated, coming to sit by her side less than gracefully.

Out of all of her squad, Sonny was her favorite. Her history with Fin ran deep. They'd known each other for years, and he stood by her. He was family- that was a given. But out of the rookies. Out of all of them, Nick, Amanda, Dodds jr. Sonny was her favorite. A little too naïve for the brass sometimes, but he was one of the best guys she knew. Always so concerned and so loving. And when it came to cases he was like a raging bull. Went non stop until they got to the bottom of the story. He had no tolerance for lies or games. Just completely head on. Which was surprising to see the first few times. At the precinct he was so jovial. Always with the donuts and the ties.

"I'm fine Carisi."

"You're old man wearing you out?" He smirked, chin up, teeth bare, but for the first time in her marriage, her answer was no. Her sleepless nights were entirely credited to their baby.

"He's been better."

"Oh good. We were starting worry. All of us were getting ready to chip in for physical therapy. You know like a midday massage."

"No thanks, that's alright." She laughed behind her frowning brows.

He started picking on other people's plates.

"So what do you think of Rollins?" He asked, stabbing a fork into a side of lobster macaroni and cheese.

"What do I think of her?" Olivia arched her brow.

"Yeah? You know. I worry about her. She's a little this, little that," he stretched his hand out and gave it a shake.

He was killing her tonight. "All over the place?" She quipped.

"No, I just mean you know, she's a little antsy I think."

"Amanda's just figuring things out. She needs time. She needs to feel liberated, and not held back."

"Oh, absolutely." More lobster. "But she's you know...on her own with Jessie and the dog."

"She's got it." Olivia pressed.

"All I'm saying is, someone should be looking out for her. She's got no compass. Nothing holding her to the ground. You think that's fair? If I just stand there and watch her with this goon and then the next? Watch her get heartbroken and walked all over? No. That's not right. What kind of friend would I be?"

"Amanda isn't that kind of woman, and I think you know that. She's trying to make a life for herself. You want to hold her back from that? Shoot down every guy that walks in the door, so there's no one else in her life?"

"Like she's got such great taste in character." He threw back a glass of wine. "Bunch of sleeze balls that only got one thing on their mind."

"Let her figure that out. She values your friendship, Carisi. Don't make it more complicated than it already is."

"Yeah you're right…She'd never go for someone like me."

"Carisi." Her voice dropped in the way it did when she needed someone to listen to her. "Any girl would be lucky to have you."

And for the first time she started to think maybe this thing between Carisi and Amanda was different than what she and Elliot had. But this wasn't the setting or the time and place. They couldn't have this conversation now, like this. He deserved more. They both did.

"People only say that to guys who don't get the girl of their dreams."

She felt David's hand on her shoulder. "What are you two monkeys talking about?"

"Lobster," they said in unison.

"Are you almost ready to go?" She was starting to say yes when an attendee had interrupted them by tapping on David's shoulder.

"Mr. and Mrs. Haden. The commissioner would like to speak with you at his table."

Olivia turned back to look at Carisi who was still forking into every plate. She could see Fin was on his way back from the bar though and trusted he would look after him.

She took David's hand and they crossed the room where the commissioner, chief Dodds, Lennie Briscoe, Jack McCoy, Adam Schiff and two senators from D.C. were sitting.

"David and Olivia," Jack smiled warmly. He was an old man everyone knew, but an old man everyone loved. Real traditional guy, by the book kind of guy. Lot of battle wounds from playing one too many rounds of hard ball, but undoubtedly the most honest man in the room. The state wanted to replace him with Hank Abraham if you could believe it.. The slimiest grease in the city. They all loathed the day, but until then, Jack was the King of the Crop.

Olivia leaned in and kissed him on both cheeks.

"Commissioner, it's always an honor. Thank you so much for having us." Olivia smiled. "Dodds, Lennie, Jack. Good to see you."

"What? Don't I get a hi or something?" Adam chinned up.

"Patience is a virtue Schiff." Olivia kissed him too.

She sat in the chair David pulled out for her. "I promised this kid three years in a row, I'd get her in front of some people to talk about this rape kit nonsense. That's why I've asked you here tonight, senators." Olivia looked at the two unfamiliar faces at the table. "You've heard from her superiors that she is by far, the best of what this city has to offer, now I'm letting you see her with your own two fucking eyes."

"Four eyes," Schiff corrected.

The table snorted.

"Four eyes. Humbly excuse my grammar. It would mean a lot to the state of New York if you would listen to her now and perhaps explore this issue in your own jurisdictions."

Olivia blinked. Subconsciously taking David's hand in her own underneath the table, and he put his arm around her in his way to show her support. Neither of them saw this coming. They were really put on the spot.

"Well the truth is senators, the issue of rape-kits has been on my my plate for sometime now. And when I can't follow through because our laws and jurisdiction have an expiration date, or because our state governments are underfunded it poses an issue. A real life threatening issue not just for victims but for public safety too. The testing of rape-kits is important lots of reasons, but the big ones are these; It helps us identify serial rapists, helps close cases that may have gone cold just by testing the DNA, it gives victims closure, and it helps those who may have been wrongfully incarcerated on rape charges walk free. We can not express this enough. Rape-kit reform should be paramount on everyone's agenda. It's as simple as easy as that."

"What's the backlog number here in New York State?" One of the senators asked.

"We're still getting those numbers but it's well over a thousand." Jack spoke up. "In the city though, Olivia and David have personally been funding the testing of those kits and that number has been going down."

"I'm curious," Dodds said. "When did you realize this was an issue?"

"I was in my 12th year. I had a case with a woman who was going under an alias name she took on to protect herself. When we met, this woman confided that she'd been raped by the same man four times on four separate occasions over the course of 15 years. When we finally caught the assailant we were unable to imprison him because the statute of limitations and the chain of custody could not be preserved. Fortunately with this case we were able to get him on a kidnapping charge but without it, it's very likely this survivor would've been victimized again. And you know listen, whether you're in homicide or narcotics, we all have cases and assailants that crawl through loop holes and actively commit the same crime or more over the course of x amount of years. But one way or another we see justice served. Unfortunately at SVU this is not the case. Even when we have the evidence."

"Look gentlemen, it's simple." David tailed off of her. "Find the funding. Test the kits. Because if you don't you're looking at serial rapists, serial offenders, more crime, more death. It's just not worth it. It's common sense. If we're taking the time to put someone in the system with their fingerprints we should be taking the time to put them in the system with their DNA."

"It's a win win for everybody involved." Olivia added.

"That's an interesting backdrop to this administration. The president's trying to get a bill passed right now that's supposed to free criminals. We're in opposition." The other senator chimed in.

"This is different, Ed." Jack growled.

"My husband and I support the decision. With my experience I've seen a great deal falsely incarcerated, twice as many just for the color of their skin. What I've seen may not be enough to convince you but it should be enough to evaluate the situation. Which goes back to rape kit testing. If they're going to let people out, don't you want to make sure it's the right ones?" Olivia replied.

McCoy chimed in. "What about beyond rapists though? How many of them do you think they're going to sweep under the rug. Murderers, Robbers, terrorists. How many are they going to try and label under mental illness."

"You don't think people who shoot schools are sick?" She frowned.

"Of course they are but it takes more than insanity to pull a trigger. And you know that. And the disease starts somewhere. I mean it's crazy. And that's ironic. But it is. The opioid situation in this country is higher than it's ever been and they want to keep it on the streets."

"I lost a lot of kids fighting that shit." Schiff huffed. "That's what they do. They start 'em young. Oh yeah your kid needs this, oh yeah your kid needs that. These fucking kids are out here strung out at 10 and 12, and 13 years old. And then they go, oh yeah nothing's wrong with them. Then six years years down the line they walk into a store to buy a gun, we put 'em prison, and now you're telling me that they're fine? They're just supposed to come out and lead normal lives? What are you fucking kidding me?"

"Well I have no doubt commissioner, that my gorgeous wife will keep us safe." David pulled her closer.

"Yeah god bless the fucking NYPD. Bunch a knuckleheads out there." Lennie chuckled.

"She got any pull with these tax regulations? What are you pulling these days? 2 million in taxes?" Adam asked David.

"I'm international. They tax me at home and at the border. I'm looking at anywhere between 8 and 10 in taxes."

Dodds shook his head. "It's unbelievable. How do they do this? How do they expect businesses to thrive in this country? They want these immigrants to come in here, and there's no business for them. They got no place to go but the streets."

"And yet, the wheel keeps on turning," The commissioner threw back his scotch.

They stayed at the table for another twenty minutes at least, and by the end of it both senators promised to set up meetings in Washington. Olivia was doubtful, but David stayed positive.

"One more dance before we go?" He asked as they approached the ballroom floor.

She agreed, letting him pull her into his arms so they could sway together.

"Well that was progressive," he said, once they got going.

"Yeah, but will it go anywhere?" She asked, her thoughts and spirit permanently elsewhere.

"Of course it will. All 50 states. We just have to get people talking about it."

"It's not that easy."

"Of course it's not, but it's a start. Change always begins with a start." She stared at him. "Cosa c'è che non va? What's this look?"

"I'm just thinking about you."

"Dirty things I hope."

"Everyone told me tonight that I was so lucky. Where does it end with you?"

"Why so curious? Are you longing for disaster?" He teased her as he leaned into their embrace.

"No. Of course not, I just…I'm not a lucky person. Good things don't happen to me. One way or another something always goes wrong."

"That was before you met me." He nuzzled her nose, but she hadn't changed. From where they were dancing she could see Carisi staring at Amanda at the bar with another guy.

"I want you to promise me. You're good at promises so promise me that whatever it is that's coming, you won't leave me. Promise you won't let go."

"I would follow you into hell, and you know that. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I would never leave you."

That was all good and fine, but she was waiting for him to say the words. Because Carisi had gotten up from that table and intervened between Amanda and the new guy she'd talking to.

Her old life was flashing before her eyes. He needed to say it.

"Promise me," she pressed.

"I promise."

She closed her eyes feeling her heart sink into relief before leaning into his arms and resting against his chest.

"Do you promise me?" He whispered while they swayed.

They were missing parts of each other. Together they were complete. She couldn't imagine her life without him. Not even one second into the future. They were in this for the long run. Always. No matter what. He was the love of her life. Not to mention the proud owner of the biggest cock she'd ever seen. She wasn't going anywhere.

"I promise. Now take me home."

And like she knew it would, Christmas came early.

She was grateful for it too. Marisol, and the kids had slept over and those little rascals were up at first light to open their presents.

She leaned closer into David's arms hearing their light pattering up and down the stairs. He held her. "It's quarter after 6..." he told her coarsely. She whimpered, her body still weak with sleep. "Do you want to stay here, and get more rest?"

"...No," she got out. "I'm up."

She smiled feeling his hand at her stomach to stroke her.

"Merry Christmas," he pecked at her shoulder.

She turned to face him and join his grasp. "Merry Christmas." She was so excited seeing as though it was their first Christmas together as husband and wife. And apparently so was he as he rolled them on his back so she could straddle his body.

"Now?" she laughed. He was dry humping her, like the sexy boyfriend who couldn't get enough.

"You're pregnant, and horny. Don't deny it," he grinned kissing the inside of her neck.

"They're going to open their presents without us!"

"I want to open my present too," he begged, lifting her slip for him to feel and touch. His hardness starting to grow against her thighs. She spread her legs wider for him. He was right.

She was horny.

"It's our first Christmas together," he whispered, letting his hand stroke her back underneath the silk of her slip. He kissed her deeply, feverishly, with the hunger she loved.

She felt him press against her folds, and despite her better judgement, she started to grind against his body letting herself get worked up over just the tip!

"Liv?"

A current went through her skin that shook her so hard she jumped off him. _Ed? Was that Ed?_

"Yeah!" she called out.

"The kids are waiting for you. Marisol wants to know if you want tea." David groaned, falling back into the mattress.

It was him. Her heart was palpitating.

"Ok! I'll be right there!"

She waited until she heard his footsteps receding from the door.

"Did you know he was here?" she frowned, though she was in a panic.

"Of course not. She must've snuck him in while we were busy last night." He brushed the hair out of her face. "Just a second more."

"And you would've been inside me. Later," she promised, taking his hands in hers and kissing his fingers gently before untangling them. She headed straight for the bathroom to clean up.

They made it downstairs just in time to see the girls open their gifts. "Zia!" Isabella cried, running and jumping into her arms.

"Be careful," David warned, though the damage was already done.

"I'm fine, baby," she promised as she hugged the youngest tight in her arms, planting kisses all over her face. "Merry Christmas, my love." And then again, kneeling down to do the same to Mia. "My beautiful girls."

"Buon Natale, Olivia." Marisol kissed coming up behind her.

"Buon Natale," she gleamed back.

"Your so damn cute," David gruffed behind her, before picking up Mia and tickling her hard in his arms.

"Zia, look what Babbo Natale gave me," Isabella said, wiggling out of her arms to hop on her new bicycle.

"I see! I see!" She gleamed.

Mia took her hand and led her into the pile of Christmas presents. "Ho una nuova bambola e nuove scarpe, una casa delle bambole..."

Olivia gasped theatrically seeing the new dollhouse David bought for the girls. "Ti piace?"

Mia nodded throwing her arms around her.

"David, Merry Christmas." She heard Ed say. She tore her eyes away from the children and stared at the interaction. David was taller than Ed. Bigger in every way. Shoulders. Arms. She had to admit it was funny looking at the two of them in comparison, but she was ready to defend Ed if he needed. Marisol crowded to her side with nervous fingers pressed to her lips.

David didn't say anything.

Just stood there looking at him. And right when the two women thought he was going to punch Ed in the jaw. Right when Ed was getting annoyed and started to walk away, David offered his hand. "Merry Christmas." He rasped. Even adding, "Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

Olivia and Marisol both sighed in relief.

"Madre de dio," her sister in law muttered. "I thought he would kill him."

But he hadn't. Both men ended up laughing together all morning after the kids opened their presents.

The girls each got new bicycles. Paint sets. Barbies and barbie houses. Designer clothes. Baby dolls. New jewelry and legos. Lots of toys and games that they would spend hours playing with into the day. When the kids were done they all sat down together over breakfast and after they ate it was the adults' turn.

For Christmas she and Marisol privately exchanged recipes that Olivia wanted to try and jewelry that Marisol wanted to wear. With David's money though they spared no expense gifting each other fur coats and designer shoes.

One in particular made an encore that night in David's office. It was getting late, an hour or so after dinner. Marisol was in the shower, the kids were sleeping, Ed had gone home…

She walked in on him typing emails, making a point to lock the door and close the blinds behind her.

"I take it you like the coat," he said, as he continued to type.

"Are you kidding, I love it." She walked over to his desk, and sat in the chair across from him. He looked at her.

In addition to the fur coat she was in high heels and the diamond necklace he bought her.

"It suits you," he said quietly, his voice just barely escaping his throat.

"If you think this is something, wait until you see what I have on underneath." He pulled uncomfortably at his collar, trying and failing to show some restraint.

"I have a few more things to finish up before we can-

"It's Christmas," she said as she started to undo the buttons. "You shouldn't be working on the holiday." She showed him that she was completely naked underneath, and then spread her legs like it was fucking Basic Instinct. "Especially when your wife hasn't given you her gift yet."

She started to play with herself and his face went a deep red. He leaned back away from the keyboard, enjoying the view. She was glistening in front of him. The fingering action was hot, but she knew what really got him off was her eyes. Her lips. Both of which were filling with lust.

"You know if you were going to give me sex for Christmas, you should've at least let me open the coat."

She arched her brow. "You don't think I'm that tacky do you?" She didn't want him to answer that. "Open your drawer on the left."

He did it without tearing his eyes away from her. She imagined his fingers caressing the wood and paper the way he would touch her pussy and she felt a flare of heat flicker inside her. She wanted to go faster. Harder. But he was never going to take the gift seriously unless she stopped. So she got up and walked over to him digging her hand in the drawer with his. She found the coarseness of his skin first and led it gently over to the box she'd hidden last night after they made love. Again, careful not to break eye contact.

He locked their hands together around the box and pulled her closer with this other hand so they could kiss. And then she hung over his chest and shoulders by his ear so he could open it.

A vintage, one of a kind Rolex, with an engraving on the back.

"To David. I'll love you until the end of time, Liv."

She felt him smile. "Do you like it?" She whispered.

"I'm never going to take it off. Come here." He pulled her down to kiss her again.

How had she pulled it off? Being a cop has it perks. Save enough lives or the right ones, some people like to share their thanks.

"Put it on me," he pleaded.

She came back to his front and took his wrist in her hand, unclasping his old watch so she could place the new one.

It fit perfectly on his wrist. She leaned into him kissing his lips again. "You are the love of my life. My rock and my shield. I can get through the day, and face whatever I need to face because I know you're behind me. Your love is all I'll ever need. Thank you for choosing me baby, and for giving me the family I've always dreamed of having."

He grabbed her body through the jacket and held her close in his arms. "I wish I could give you more. You deserve everything, Liv. The whole fucking world."

He kissed her.

"Hurry up and finish." She smiled as their lips broke. "I'll be waiting."

But his fingers were already tugging at his tie.

They'd gotten dressed up for Christmas dinner. He was in a full on suit.

"No." He said. "I want you now."

He picked her up with one hand and placed her on the table, gently leaning her back as they kissed. He groaned in her mouth feeling her hands start to peel off his shirt, her legs that he loved so much hugging him close.

She whimpered feeling him touch them, before tenderly holding them up to her chest while spreading them apart. He came off her lips, and looked into her eyes and she felt her entire body go warm.

The way he looked at her always undid her. David was never afraid to tell her how much he loved her. He would say it over and over again until it was engraved into her skull. Until she knew without a doubt that what he was saying was true. Of course words are just words, but when he looked at her, everything was so honest in the face. All of his truths about her were thick in his eyes. His heart so evidently shining through.

It got her off every time.

Her brows contorted, feeling him suck deeply on her neck.

Lower to her breasts which could only take a few kisses here and there.

And then finally.

 _Finally_.

Her pussy.

She gripped his hair, the table, the sleeves of the coat, anything she could to gain leverage. With his mouth kissing and sucking her clit so good she was out of her mind with lust. She tried moving her hips into his mouth for more, but he held her down so tightly. She had to fight him, in order to move. And even that was controlled. Slow.

She closed her eyes feeling her breasts pinch. Everything he was doing so erotic. To the point that all she wanted was his cock. "Please baby," she begged.

He ignored her.

Instead keeping his slow torturous assault on her clit at a minimal controlled pace. Getting her so wet, she couldn't tell if it was his tongue or his fingers that were stroking her so wonderfully. Building her up to an orgasm so strong that she started to white out.

She was getting close.

The room filled with her moans.

And it was only then, when she was at her peak that he start to let her go. Allowing her at last to hit his lips where she needed. She came fast. Hard. Breathless.

A thin sheen of sweat breaking out on her skin. She went flush feeling her orgasm take her. So flush, she could barely hear him when he said, "I need you."

She quickly gathered herself and knelt down on her knees pulling off his belt before pulling his pants down. His cock springing free at last. She'd been wanting to taste him all day!

She stroked him a few times, looking up at him.

Feeling his fingers stroke her hair. Feeling her nipples pinch harder. She was so turned on that it physically hurt to not have release. With her eyes staring up at him, she felt the blood straining against her fingertips, as he got harder, and harder.

She sent her breath on him first and then kissed him, her lips pressing against the head of his cock until they opened taking him into her mouth. She moaned feeling her mouth fill with his precum.

She ran her lips up and down sucking hard. Tasting. Sucking. Loving every moment of it. Eager for him to fill her mouth. And he did. His length was one thing and his girth was another but she could suck him. And she couldn't wait to have the sweet creamy taste of him run warm down her throat. She moaned, sending vibrations against him.

She hit the back her of throat against his head going minutes without air so a line of spit would come up how he liked. And did it ever. A slippery white string from her lips to his cock branched out when she came up to breathe.

He was going crazy.

Saying a litany of things in Italian, too soft for her to hear.

Then again, and again, until he was thrusting in her mouth. Until she could hear him moaning. Until he began to warn that he was close to coming.

"Liv, I'm really- I mean it. I can't hold off any longer." She didn't care. "Shit, I'm going to cum!"

He held her head down on him pushing his cock farther than it had gone in a long time. She forced herself to relax and feel his cum against her throat. But the volume of it surprised her. He had completely flooded her mouth, the way he could flood her pussy, and she couldn't hold it.

He let her go and she stumbled back, only to be caught by his hand which held her in place to take the rest on her mouth. Her lips. Her chin.

"Fuck," he tapped his cock against her chin. " _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ Oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god."

She swallowed some, let the rest fall out. And panted. "I want you inside me." She stroked him some more but it was unnecessary. He was still hard.

He stood them both up and peeled the jacket from her arms, before sitting her on the desk again. Without letting her lie down, he placed her legs on his shoulders and slid in. He moaned feeling how wet she was. How easy it was to slide in despite her tightness.

Her pussy was so juicy these days, it couldn't have felt any better as he began to slam against her thighs. His hands firmly holding her by the ass cheeks to keep in place.

And the room filled again with her moans, and cries.

Like she said.

She really wanted it.

"Oh god baby, cum. Make me cum. Keep fucking me just like that," she wept. "Fuck me harder. Love me harder."

It was rough.

He was rough.

His cock so far in, slamming so hard that she knew it was going to hurt tomorrow. Knew her pussy was growing red. Sore. Numb.

He fucked her with vigor and intense speed until his arms gave out and she fell back against the wood breaking the rhythm. Her legs fell with her, but not before he kissed her feet.

Her eyes widened, as she watched him climb on top of the desk with her, and push her legs back.

There was no way. "We're going to break the desk!"

He didn't care.

He rubbed his dick between her folds. Teasing her clit, muttering something in Italian.

He slipped back only this time going until he was almost sitting against her legs. Until he was balls deep, so she could have a view of his big cock stretching her open. Her folds split wide and clinging to his girth.

He used her legs as leverage to keep from falling over. His thumbs sinking deep into her skin. His cock sinking deeper.

She wasn't going to last long.

She started to cry it felt so good. The slow pounding against her cervix. The feeling of being so filled with him.

 _"Yeah, fuck me David!"_ She begged. He had inches on her g spot. The length of him appearing and disappearing with every thrust. It was too much.

"Oh god, I'm gonna cum! Shit!"

David slammed into her harder feeling her walls start to squeeze him.

"Yeah! Yeah! Vaffancu- Fuck!" He erupted like a volcano, harder than he had with the blow job. She felt the warm rush inside her as he rocked desperately from above.

And when he pulled out she felt every inch. Their bodies crashing down and tangling with one another. He leaned over her, and kissed her waistline, her torso, her breasts that were so sore from lactating, and then finally her mouth. Uncaring that he was devouring the mess he left. It was her he wanted.

Again.

He gently pushed her on her stomach and rubbed his cock against her ass. He gave it a slap, and spread her cheeks apart before eagerly sliding back in. Careful to put all his pressure on her shoulders.

 _"Cazzo di donna…seduttrice."_

She yelped beneath him, weeping with pleasure. Their skin and sweat sliding together. Her pussy licking his balls with every thrust. The erotic feeling of his cum dripping from her lips and her pussy had her on cloud nine.

She fingered herself while he fucked her now from behind, playing with his semen. Rubbing it all over inside her. She wanted to be stained with him.

That was really dirty she knew, but it wasn't her. The pregnancy had brought this all out of her, and once she got started up she couldn't stop! Most women had cravings for food, but she had cravings for sex. More than even her tubs of banana pudding. Feeling David inside her, was all she wanted.

"You feel all that gushing out of your pussy? All that cum I left inside you? You want to feel it tomorrow don't you?"

"Yeah baby, get it in there," she begged. "Cum inside me."

He was slow this time. Building up an orgasm that was more for her than him. Holding out on his own needs until she was close before slamming into her with reckless abandon. Her ass cheeks jiggling against the rock, firmness of his abs.

He had a steady rhythm with her right up until the very end. When she squirted all over the place. He followed right behind her coming softly inside her, almost like a kiss. The whole of her body conjured at last. Every hole filled.

He lifted her in his arms by the throat, and licked her cheek afterwards, kissing her so gently.

"You're trembling." He whispered, still moving inside her.

"Continuate così."

She turned around in his embrace, wrapping her arms around him. Kissing, holding, loving. "Make me cum, again." She sighed. His hands cupped her breasts and lingered on her heartbeat. The other roaming through her hair, down her back, over her front. Gently passing the slope of their baby while he licked the inside of her lips.

She gasped feverishly, feeling his fingers slip inside her. So wet. Sticky. Messy. "Right there," she sighed as she kissed him. "Right there..."

Two hours later they had finally retreated to their room. While she got some rest, David ran them a bath and now they were just sitting in the water together. Half asleep, half lucid.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"This time next year the baby will be here for their first Christmas….I can't wait to spoil them the way we spoiled Mia and Isabella." She squeezed a load of water out of her cloth, and brushed David's arm with it.

"We'll be worse. Infinitely worse."

She kissed his hand imagining the thought with a smile. "So you made peace with, Ed?"

"As long as he knows you're all mine. "

"He's becoming apart of our family. That doesn't bother you?"

"Should it?"

"Of course not."

"Does it bother you?"

She shrugged. Ed and Marisol...it was weird. She wasn't going to lie. "I just thought when we broke up I wouldn't see him again. That I was ending another chapter in my life. And it was really hard...He loved me, it wasn't easy to walk away from that, and now he's suddenly here again."

"And so what? You have regrets?" He hadn't said it defensively and she was willing to bet it was because they just shared so much together. She really hadn't left any room for doubt with him.

"I just feel bad. He wanted a life with me and I said no." It felt cruel to have to parade her new life in front of him. Ed proposed. She said rejected him. And now here she was giving her whole heart to someone else, right under his nose. It made her feel horrible.

"Don't apologize for being happy. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. You are living your life. You deserve everything and more. Don't settle. Don't be afraid. So he wasn't the one for you. So what? He's happy. I think I make you happy...We're all on our own paths."

"I know…You're right." She said, soaping up her legs. "So what did you get me for Christmas?"

He hugged her closer. "I'm tacky, I just got you some dick," he echoed from earlier.

She laughed harder than she should have.

"It's underneath your pillow," he kissed her. "I thought you'd wake up and feel it, but with all this sex you keep wanting to have." He hugged her, biting her ear. "You can open it when we get out."

Olivia knew whatever it was, she didn't need it. She had everything she wanted right there in that moment. "I love you."

More so when she finally told Amanda, Carisi and Barba she was pregnant. She had her family. Everyone was alive and healthy, and happy and in love…That's all she wanted.

All the Christmas she really needed. All she wished for on New Years Eve. Her perfect holiday season.


	12. What They Know

_Now_

Wednesday morning. 7am. They were on their way to Brian's. He lived downtown by seaport in an up and coming area. It was quaint; cobblestone roads, new restaurants, quiet (if you could believe it). The perfect place to runaway to after breaking up with the girl you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Must've been easy to forget the what ifs, waking up every morning and just seeing water. He considered getting a place down there himself, but with the wedding and the attack, Liv needed him more than ever back at the precinct.

He ended up getting a place closer in case she called in the middle of the night begging him to take over. It was rare these days, but still he took every precaution. In his mind, she came first. It was important to him that she felt like she had his full support. Though, not to be confused with the assumption that he saw any of this coming. Olivia was strong day in and day out. Never appeared to be anything more than professional and together. But every now and again she would take his hand and squeeze it. And when he asked her about it, she'd just look at him and say, "I just need to know you're with me." So he stayed close.

She talked about David. She said she was happy. She always smiled when she said his name. How it turned into this, he'd never know, but for what it's worth. He was glad he'd been there. It gave him peace of mind, heading into the investigation. It was the only thing keeping him sane, if he were honest. Knowing that when everyone else was failing her, he stayed true and steady.

That's what was getting him through, and he was going to carry that same energy with him until they found her.

He stepped off the elevator and sent a quiet fist at the door.

He and Carisi waited a few minutes, and on the eve of the second knock, the door swung open with Brian hanging on the edge, heavy in black sweats.

He looked like shit.

He always looked like shit.

Like someone's alcoholic uncle, grandpa.

He smelled like a bar. His spiked, un-gelled hair was sticking up. Still thought it was attractive to sport the same, ongoing, two day shadow. His wrinkles around the eyes were more defined, and of course, like always, you couldn't miss the defeated stare inside them.

Classic. Classic. Cassidy.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He rasped non defensively.

Fin pushed out his chin. "We want to talk to you about, Liv."

"Is she alright?"

And when they didn't answer, he let them in. Empty beer bottles, stale Chinese food, and the musky smell of sex was all over the room. There wasn't a clear spot in the mess to sit.

"What's this about?" Brian asked, half tidying the junk. His hands quietly filling with newspapers, and trash bags. His voice barely a whisper.

Must've had guests.

"She disappeared Monday night. She and David got into some kind of fight. We think she may be in trouble."

He frowned. Crossed the room, threw some things in the trash. "Trouble?" He echoed. "Did he do something to her?"

Carisi stepped forward. "What makes you say that?"

Brian shrugged. "I ran into her a few times. She didn't look good. But you know…" he got closer to them. Spoke louder. "She wasn't really right after the attack. What was the fight about?"

Fin leaned up against the wall. "Work."

Brian frowned again, only this time a smirk creeped onto his lips. "Sounds like she's running."

Carisi shrugged. "Could be. Maybe not. We have reason to believe things weren't so great between her and David."

"Yeah no shit. Everybody knows that."

"Everybody knows what?"

"He's a grease. Overpaid, overrated, over glorified. Gotta rich, tight ass so he walks into the room as if he owns everything and everyone. Come on. It's shop. And after Liv's attack? He was a real fucking prick, or didn't you notice?"

Brian had seen the good lawyer once or twice out in the city with other women, but he was no saint to judge. He had been the one out fucking whores and making her listen on the air in front of everyone she knew. At least the self righteous son of a bitch had the decency to be discreet about it.

"She ever come to you to talk?"

"Liv? No. I'm the last person she'd call."

After Lewis. Therapy. She'd come to him asking if he'd consider settling down and he said no. They were cordial from then on out but they didn't call each other in the middle of the night to gab about American Idol.

"She ever do anything with you, mention any place special after things settled down with Lewis?" Fin quipped.

Brian pinched his mouth, remembering what that time had been like for them. "No. She boarded up. Shut down. I could never get her to do anything. She used to stand outside our front door until I came home because she was too afraid to walk in by herself. Then when the son of a bitch died," he threw his hands in the air, "all she wanted was space. I never knew where she was or who she was with. I just knew that she was getting better. But she wasn't holding my hand about it." He knelt down and picked up the bags of food, finally tying them up to withhold the stench.

Carisi pulled at his tie. "You said you knew things were rough between Liv and David. Anyone talk?"

"They didn't have to. You could see it all over her face. She wasn't right. But you know…" he shrugged. "That's what you'd expect I guess. I mean for three days, all Lewis did was threaten her. And that night she really got knocked around. That was real for her. She'll be scarred from that for the rest of her life. I'd be a mess too if it had happened to me."

"You ever see David get physical with her."

Brian hesitated. "Once."

"Once?" Carisi flared his eyes brows. "When?"

"It was a few months after the incident."

"What happened?"

"They were arguing. Really going at it in the court house. She was walking away and he yanked her back pretty hard. She dropped her things…."

"You didn't try and stop him?"

"Of course I did. She wasn't afraid though. I started walking towards them, and then she just shouted at him so loud. He shaped up real quick, and walked away. They both did. She walked right past me, didn't even see me."

"Do you think he had anything to do with her attack?"

"I said he yanked, her. I didn't say he tried to kill her."

"So that's a no?"

"You know I never had any respect for the guy. Maybe I was jealous. I wanted to be with Liv and he had her….I wished a lot of bad between them hoping I'd get a second chance, but after what happened, for a moment there I thought I was absolutely crazy to think that I'd ever have a shot with her again. He never left her side. Never not once. We all saw what she was like and I've seen him get physical, but there's no way he had that in him. There's just no way. I mean he was a prick- I said he was a prick, but he was different with her. He didn't treat her right but there was something about him. You could tell he was just as a mess as she was. Things weren't perfect between them, but you could tell you know?"

"Tell what?" Carisi glared.

"He really loved her. He gave her everything, and he never had any qualms about it. Just a shame what happened. Really gutted them both."

"Just out of curiosity, what do you think did them in? I mean if he still loved her after the attack?"

"I don't know. You'll have to ask Liv. Her marriage," he shrugged.

Just then the guest they all knew was there, came walking out of the bedroom. Topless in a g-string.

"Are these your friends?" She asked, disturbingly lethargic.

"Yeah. Bathroom's down the hall. Take a shower. I'll have some fresh clothes for you when you get out."

They waited until the girl disappeared.

"She looks pretty out of it," Carisi said at full volume.

"We hit it pretty hard last night."

The room buckled under the awkwardness of the moment.

Some contender he turned out to be.

Carisi didn't even want to go there with the guy. Liv deserved better and he was glad they didn't work out.

"When's the last time you heard from her?" Carisi asked, three fingers frustratingly pressed to the bridge of his nose, before his whole hand wiped the morning dust off.

"Like I said. We don't talk. Last time I saw her was…a few weeks ago. She was with the kids." Brian smiled at the memory. "That little one looks a lot like her."

"Alright let us know if anything comes to mind," Fin said. "We'll be around."

"Jesus, I hate that guy," Carisi muttered under his breath as they got back on the elevator.

Fin shrugged. "He's alright. He's just working through some personal stuff."

"Yeah?" Carisi scoffed as if Fin's explanation was an excuse. "What did she ever see in him? I mean he's a fucking joke."

"Liv just lost the love of her life. She was in a bad way. Lewis didn't help. She was lonely. They both like their whiskey hard. Say what you want, but he got her through the worst couple of months of her life when he didn't even know how to be there for himself. He put her first. Any guy who does that for Liv gets a pass."

"He left her. And then after that he didn't even have the decency to stand up for her. He knew something was going on between them, and he just let the son of a bitch walk." Carisi argued, hanging on the hood of the car.

"We all let him walk man."

Carisi bit his tongue and got in the car. It was too early to lose his temper, but he was struggling to hold it together. He was buckling under this case. Thinking the worst. To him everyone was at fault, most of all himself, and every hour that went by he felt that more and more.

He sulked the entire way to Ed's.

"How's Amanda making out with the diary?" Fin asked as they rode uptown.

That thing was like a ticking time bomb.

A long, detailed, account of Olivia's marriage. And it was all personal.

She talked nothing about cases, nothing about work. Everything was all about her and David. The life they shared together. How they came together, how they fell apart. In all honesty he wished they'd never found the damn thing. He knew with every bone in his body that Olivia wouldn't want any of that being read by anyone, but they needed it if they were going to make a case for her.

Carisi shrugged. "Mostly chick stuff. Big dick this, great sex that. He had a temper though. Apparently he almost ripped Tucker a new one at some brunch. Did you know the good inspector was dating his sister?"

Dating? "They got married last year when Olivia was coming out of the thick of it. Don't take it personal if she hadn't told you."

Carisi blinked.

He almost felt sorry for the kid. Olivia's disappearance was really rocking his world.

She hadn't always been like that. Private. Distant. Unreadable. She was usually an open book. Lot of the higher officers like Dodds would walk all over her because of it. She was an open, bleeding heart. Incredibly vulnerable, and a real sucker for compassion. She still was all of those things, but since meeting David, she had closed up. She stopped inviting people over, stop throwing parties, stopped talking about everything. Even stupid stuff like reality TV. She was all business. And no one questioned her about it either. Especially after her attack.

He had wanted to on multiple occasions, but he was afraid of causing her more pain than anything so he kept his mouth shut and an eye on her.

"Get any hits on Liv's cellphone?" Carisi asked.

Fin had found her password scribbled on a post it in her office in case of an emergency. He took it down to TARU as soon as he could to see if they could get any clues about where she went.

"She called her OBGYN three times the day before she went missing."

"So she's really…?" Carisi was afraid to hope given the circumstances.

"I'm still waiting to hear back from Warner." Fin turned down a similar street to Olivia and David's on the Upper West Side.

Carisi inhaled uncomfortably, unable to accept that as an answer.

"CSI, said luminol lit that kitchen up like the fourth of July. Liv lost a lot of blood. So forgive me if I don't have a lot of faith in patience right now. If she's out there and that baby is hurt in anyway, I swear to god I'm gonna blow someone's fucking head off." He got out of the car and slammed the door behind him.

Ed and Marisol lived in a brownstone within walking distance of Olivia and David. He spared no expense securing the best for his family, so naturally Marisol was granted a six story town house too. It wasn't unusual either. The pair were extremely close and had neighboring homes in France, and Italy. Ed had really lucked out.

But he was no milk sucker.

His pension took care of the bills in NYC, and after he and Marisol married, David got him a job as a private investigator. He did background checks mostly. Easy money type shit.

Carisi rang the door bell.

Ed opened up not even a second later on his way out.

Dude was a complete 180 from Cassidy. Clean. Neat. Always smelled fresh and clean. Had that army brat bite on his shoulders. Sharp, good, strong posture, and always two steps ahead of everyone else.

"What's going on?" He frowned, pulling on a jacket.

"It's Liv."

"What about her?" He straightened his collar.

"She didn't come into work yesterday. None of us can get ahold of her."

"David's looking for her?" He quipped.

"Rollins and Carisi paid him a visit last night. She left her cell, badge, wallet, and car behind. Found blood inside the house. No break in, but we think she might be pregnant. Amanda found an empty test box in the bathroom."

Ed hadn't stopped frowning. "How much blood did you find?"

"Enough."

"Jesus." Ed folded his arms.

"So we're interviewing everyone that had a close relationship with her." Ed nodded. "Anything you know would really help us." He didn't protest.

"Here, come in. We can talk in the kitchen."

They stepped inside.

And like he said. Complete 180.

Black and white tiled floors in the foyer. Wainscot wall treatment. Rich colors. The faint smell of bleach and soy candles.

If he weren't a cop, he'd be afraid to step on the floors.

Ed led them further into the house, and the luxury just kept spreading to the surface. Chandeliers. Flat screen TVs. Plush couches. Portraits of the family. Stainless steel appliances. Even the dust seemed to sparkle.

He didn't even want to imagine what the hell they had going on upstairs.

They huddled together around the island.

"No one's home," Ed assured them. "Marisol left for the spa after she got the kids to school."

"Where's the baby?" Carisi quipped.

"Upstairs asleep. The sitter's with him. David was supposed to come by and pick them all up yesterday, but he never showed."

Carisi turned back to rejoin them after taking a look around. "When was the last time you saw her?"

"A week- no two weeks ago. She came by the house to spend time with Marisol."

"Did she seem anxious about anything?" Fin chimed in.

"Honestly? She was the happiest I'd seen her in a long time. She was smiling if you could believe it. Laughing…"

"What did you guys talk about?"

"I didn't stay. We casually caught up. She talked about the kids and David. You know, regular run of the mill stuff."

"What did she say about him?"

"Just that he was doing well. Tied up in a real shit show with a trafficking case in France. Even with her help he was struggling to build a defense for some of the victims."

"Do you think Marisol would talk to us to confirm?" Fin wondered out lout.

"Of course she will. She'll be devastated to hear the news. If you can get to her before David. I think she'll be honest with you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Fin frowned.

"They're very close she and him. And he hasn't really been himself for a while. Their conversations have been kept to a minimum, and she's been restless about it. I think if he confided in her and asked her to keep her mouth shut, she would."

Ed wrote down the name of the spa on a post it note and handed it to Fin.

"Did she ever come to you after her attack? Talk about how things were? Ever express any concerns?" Carisi asked.

"Liv? No. It would've been unlike her if she did. You know she's quite detached. It used to drive me insane when we were together, but that's just her way. And she was really inconsolable about the whole thing. I think David struggled because she became so boarded up with him. I tried like everyone else to get through to her, but she wasn't really up for small talk. Can't say I blame her."

"After hooking up with Marisol you must've had an inside look. What were they like outside the job?" Carisi pressed.

"Liv and David? The envy of every couple I know. What happened between us is over, but I still consider her to be intangible. She's beautiful- everything a man could want. And anyone who talks to her knows that's not all she's got to offer either. She's smart. Really smart. Compassionate, caring. She knows how to make a person feel special, and loved, and wanted. It's her gift. And David," Ed shifted his weight onto the other leg. "Men like him are going out of style. He's dominant but not overwhelming about it. Intimidating on the outside, quiet on the inside. He exudes a lot of control and power but he's smart about how he uses it. He's not the kind of guy looking to be challenged or to put up some kind of fight. He's just that way. And underneath all that alpha male exterior. Underneath all that force, he's one of the best guys I know. He's an animal on the outside but with his family he's different. Softer. He's always been welcoming and accommodating. Very giving and generous. Even when he loses his temper or when they argue, he's always very reserved."

"So you're saying they were perfect. Things were just peachy." Carisi chinned up.

"They were." Ed Echoed. "But after Liv's attack everything changed. They became different with each other. Their body language. The way they talked to one another. Lots of tension. Sexual, emotional, mental. Kind of angsty, which is odd. Especially for people like them. But I guess when something like that happens…it changes everyone involved. I think they expected to be the same people coming out of that, but they weren't. They were more like two strangers who knew each other very well. And that was really highlighted I'd say anywhere from early last year to now. They've been going through the motions. Birthdays, parties, holidays. They turn on for the hype and off the minute they walk out the door. They always look exhausted when they come by the house. Both are miserable, but that last time she came over. Something was different." Ed shrugged. "Maybe it was the pregnancy." He paused to consider that. "Another one. My god," he muttered.

"We have a witness that says that David was abusing Olivia. Did you ever see anything that could attest to that?"

Ed scoffed. "You're not serious?" They were. "Don't be ridiculous. Olivia would've killed him."

"She loved him. He's done more for her than anyone ever has, you and I both know that." Fin said to Tucker. "Maybe she thought getting kicked around wasn't such a bad price for everything she gained."

"And go against everything she believes in? Yeah right. How could you even believe something like that? You've known her longer than I have, worked with her, stood by her. You really think she'd let some Wall Street prick put a stiff one on her? He's not that kind of guy. She's not that kind of woman."

"She had bruises." Carisi argued.

"She's a cop. Shit happens."

"On her wrists and neck? Near her clavicle?"

"And you didn't notice until yesterday?" Ed challenged. For a moment the IAB side of him, started to come out. "If it wasn't work, then my guess it was the sex. That I can attest to. Olivia's a fucking animal, she won't finish unless it's rough. And I don't mean that as an insult to her character. It's just when you make love to her…when I made love to her…she was very passionate. She's got real hunger. I mean the kind to wear you out. She needed constant affection, constant intimacy, constant sex. Those things were important to her. All through her life she's been denied, rejected, pushed over. She's been hurt a lot. Mistreated. Undervalued. Unloved. I've been in this business a long time and I can tell you, that all that really fucks with a person. And Olivia's gone almost her whole life not feeling love, not feeling wanted or cared for. So when she's with a person, she really needs to feel that she's with them, and that they're with her. And it gets rough sometimes. The urgency I think makes her feel desired. She finds confidence in that. "

"So you don't think he's violent?" Carisi pressed.

"No."

"Then how would you explain the blood we found? Why would she leave her things behind like that unless he was threatening her? No one leaves like that unless they're running for their lives."

"They've been married for three years. Been together for almost 5. A man doesn't just wake up one day and say, 'I'm going to kill my wife.' And if he does, it certainly isn't one like David. They're not well, maybe not even happy, but he loves her more than you or I could possibly imagine. Something was going on between them, I don't know what but it was really tearing him apart. I mean he's said some things to me over the last couple of months that really made me feel bad for him. And look you know, I hear you. The evidence is loud." Ed paused. "But really go back and think this through. She was shot the day before. Maybe the wound opened. Maybe that scared her and she just needed a break. If she's really pregnant you really going to blame her for trying to get away? That's classic PTSD."

"Maybe. If not I know I can pin him for that left hook he gave you at brunch." Carisi shrugged.

Ed scoffed. The memory more of a joke to him nowadays. "That was years ago. In the beginning. He thought I hurt Marisol. That day at the restaurant when he saw me, and he thought that I had hurt two women that he loved- honestly I'm not entirely sure I would've acted any different. Liv ever tell you the story of my good catholic cousin?" Fin nodded. "Look, he's got something in him. He can be aggressive, I've seen him react, but never with his family and certainly not with her. The evidence is frightening, and I'm sure you're looking into things. You always look at the spouse but I don't think David's your guy. He'd rather kill himself than hurt her like that. I'm telling you, something else is up. If things were bad, if they'd always been bad, they'd be circling around a divorce and we'd know about it. He'd be fighting tooth and nail for them to stay together. She's the love of his life." Ed shrugged. "Used to be awkward between the three of us, but you know something? Seeing him with her, made me doubt that I ever cared. If we'd stayed together she would've settled. And she deserves more than that. She's always deserved more."

"Yeah, and being happy may have just gotten her killed." Carisi showed himself out.

Ed glared at him "I don't know what the hell she's doing with those kids. He and that other one are undisciplined. I'm just glad I don't have to deal with it anymore."

"Don't rub it in. She's got me tied in this thing with her until the end and then some."

Ed made a barely there smirk. "You're her wing man."

Fin failed to agree with that as his stomach knotted. 20 years at SVU he had a bone chilling electrical current running through him. And the more and more this went on. The more and more he felt like he was falling through a rabbit hole.

Nothing made any sense.

Liv's lost blood. Liv's pregnant. Liv's not here. They loved each other. They hated each other. He's a prick. He's madly in love. He's being torn apart. She was twisted and unhappy.

Was it a crime of passion?

Fin released his arms which had been crossed up until then. "We paid Brian Cassidy a visit before we came here. He said the same thing. David loved her. Painted a more grim picture than you did, but…"

Ed noticed he was conflicted. "What did David say happened?"

"That they were fighting over work."

Ed contemplated it. "Sounds personal but it's possible," he shrugged. "You trust that?"

"Hell no. I don't trust anything at this point. Do you?"

"Well picture their relationship a few years ago. Feels a bit familiar no?" Fin considered that as they huddled together. "I mean what do you think happened?" Ed asked.


	13. The Mountain Between Them

_Then_

 _February 2016_

 _"_ Absolutely not," David growled. His fist clenched tight around the telephone receiver. "I don't care what you have to do. Get the permits and figure it out. I want the documents signed on my desk tomorrow morning."

His head whipped and he did a double take as he paced back and forth behind his desk. Their eyes met and he seemed to relax. "Lucas, this should've been done a month a go. This wasn't part of the deal. You promised suitable arrangements would be made for my team. We've already sourced clients-

He looked away from her, his face boiling with disgust. Olivia blinked at him. He looked as if he were going to explode, but instead all he did was pull the phone away from his ear, and place it back on the hook. The call ending with little in resolve. He pulled at his collar loosening his tie.

They were supposed to have lunch together, but that wasn't going to happen anymore.

David was in the middle of negotiating a new portal in Switzerland. He'd been working towards that location since she met him. It was the sacred ground of the eastern world. A gold mine. The only place on earth where he could take on clients from Russia, Dubai and other feuding countries without the probe of politics. It was important to him.

"I'm sorry," he said coarsely. His voice now impaired from the shouting match she'd missed earlier.

"Don't be," she said against the pillows on his office couch. It was nice to be off her feet for a while. Her back was killing her. The baby was resting on a weird spot against her spine and she needed the relief.

He crossed the room to sit with her.

"What would you like me to order for you? I'll have my assistant run out and get anything you want. I can have it here in 15 minutes." He offered.

"I'm fine, David. We can eat together at home," she reasoned, sitting up some.

"I promised you lunch and I want you to eat something. If I get you a steak will you eat that?" She nodded, before feeling his kiss on her cheek. Her mood seemingly deflating with each passing moment.

If that portal wasn't opening, she knew it was only a matter of time before he would come to her explaining that he had to leave again for another trip. And she couldn't stand to have him be away for so long again. After the new year she maybe saw him a week total in all of January. Then he left again the first two weeks of February. A noticeable difference from the three to six days he usually spent away. And those were typically trips that were spread out over weeks. On a regular basis he was never gone for more than two days, but in the New Year he seemed to be home less and less…

He came back from the doorway after giving instructions for two steaks to be picked up.

"What's wrong?" He frowned, noticing her change in disposition. She pulled him into her arms and they laid together against the cushions watching the city.

"You're going to leave again aren't you?"

She felt him exhale deeply, clearly frustrated about the whole thing. He hated leaving just as much as she did. His dominant hand ran through her hair. "I'll call him again tonight."

There was little faith in that, but at least he was going to try. She placed her hand against his heart and felt it beating erratically. He had such a temper. Got so easily worked up over things he had no control over. It was his one flaw. And while she had yet to see him really react other than that day at brunch, she knew there was something inside him that was waiting to come out. She just prayed when it happened she was ready for it.

"I'll be fine," he whispered with promise, his hand against her swell. "He's sleeping?"

 _He_.

They were expecting a little boy that June and David had yet to feel the baby kick. Their little one got stage fright every time.

She nodded. "Out for the count when I drove over."

"You're getting so big. It's really sexy."

She leaned up to look at him and found him flashing his most mischievous smirk down at her.

"Yeah?" She smirked back, pecking his lips softly.

"Yeah."

She hated them, she smiled beneath their kiss. They were so fucking annoying. All over each other. Like two teenagers. So god damned in love.

"I'm serious," he said once they stopped. "Don't worry about me, and don't worry about a trip. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"Yet." She mumbled.

"If you want to make it count, you could stay here for a little bit instead of running back to work. We haven't made love in a while…"

"Who's fault is that?" She arched her brow.

"Just shut up and kiss me woman," he begged. She leaned in but he pulled back mischievously.

"You're an asshole."

"That's where you want me?" He whispered so low, his voice strangled her pulse.

"I thought you ordered steaks."

"They know better than to come in here without my instruction."

She shivered feeling David unbutton her blouse. He wasn't even kissing her, he hadn't even touched her yet, but his eyes, the way they would stare into hers. So heavily. So filled with want.

She felt him unzip her pants and before she knew it all her clothes were off. She moaned underneath their kiss, feeling his fingers strum at her nipples, and then her pussy.

Her fingers tightened around his partly unbuttoned shirt and ripped it right down the middle, shoving the fabric off until his much appreciated biceps were the only things she felt wrapped around her. Those arms, his muscles were like bonus points whenever they made love. They always made her feel so secure, and protected.

She let him pull her into his arms so she was sitting on top of him, back to chest.

Olivia licked her hands and jerked him off a couple of times before gently pushing him between her folds. Intent on riding him until she was ready.

"Liv-" David begged

"I need a minute."

One long ass minute, so she could tease herself on every inch of that big, thick, cock she loved so much. It's swollen head gently pressing against her hole drove her insane. And with David's nurturing kiss on her arms she was all the more driven into lust, into want.

By the time she was ready, she had been on the verge of her climax. She held him still and slowly lowered herself down on him, until every inch was nestled inside her. The pregnancy had her hormones out of control. As much as she wanted him, as close as she was to coming, there wasn't enough lubrication so she definitely felt the intrusion, but the pain was overshadowed by the pinch in her nipples.

"Are you ok?" He asked, kissing her shoulder.

"Fuck me," she whimpered.

He spread her legs apart, forcing her to lean back closer to him, and he did exactly what she asked. Fucked her. Gently at first, waiting until the barrier of tension inside her broke and her cum started to release. As soon as that happened he left niceties to the wind and plowed into her with hard, long strokes, impassioned by the sound of their moans softly filling the room.

The erotic feeling of her breasts rolling around every time he hit the hilt, and his fingers pressed deeply between her folds had her coming in minutes.

And he didn't stop not until her creamy juices were running down his cock rendering him all coated and shiny. Not until she was squirting from her pussy!

"Oh shit, _Liv_!' David groaned, feeling her juices explode between them.

She slurred in response. She didn't have the words to say anything back as he started sucking at her breasts, still fucking her with reckless abandon.

When it was over she could hardly stand to move, and yet somehow they made it home. And did it again, and again, and again. Making love all night. Sharing a constant need and hunger for each other that was all together tender and fierce. Both feeling insatiable for the other. To say that she was drunk on ecstasy was an understatement.

Clinging to him, her skin slick with sweat and spit and heat, she felt him cum hard inside her for the last time. A permanent warmth settling in between her legs as she panted into exhaustion. She imagined she was a sight for sore eyes. Hair plastered onto her forehead. Lips swollen. Cheeks flushed. But David was non the wiser. He was kissing her for more! His mouth literally pulling her closer, as he pulled her body closer to him.

"You're exhausting me," she smirked.

They had been having hot, heavy sex since he got back from the January trip. Their love making had never been so intense. So hard.

He was so affectionate. And he knew how to be without being suffocating.

He nipped her ear. "You love it."

"I do but this is…" As if on cue he started rubbing her pussy. His fingers slipping all over her well fucked hole. He was working her so good she didn't have a choice but to work with his hand. "Excessive," she finished, pressing his fingers against her harder, eliciting a deep moan from within her chest.

"I can't help it," he kissed. "You're so beautiful with my baby inside you. I didn't think it was possible for me to want you more, but every moment," he kissed again, "I burn for you."

His mouth covered her breasts and she came again while he sucked her nipples. They were so sensitive and sore from all the sex, but he took his time with them, and when he kissed them just right it went straight to her pussy.

Later, she relished him pulling out.

Her whole body was shaking. Begging for a break.

He took her hand in his and kissed it lovingly, holding it close to heart.

"I wish I could keep you in this moment forever," he said coarsely.

She was too sleepy to come up with something witty, but even if she had the energy to, she doubted that she would've. He loved all the ways she had changed, carrying their son. Her hair had grown longer, thicker. Her usually sleek, shoulder length look was traded for an upper arm carefree blowout. It's true dark color now reigned through. It wasn't new for her. She used to wear it like that in her 20s before she started at SVU, but she got a lot of lip about it at the academy. No one took her seriously. So as soon as she got out, she cut it to her neck, pressing out the high volume curls she grew up with. Now they were back and her husband was obsessed with it. Really, really, obsessed with it. He buried his head in it when he slept. Couldn't help but twist a finger in it when they were alone. And it got him so hard. Every single time she turned around! It was like on demand!

She would leave the house with sore cheeks from how hard and how much he'd kiss them and sore wobbly legs from how hard he'd fuck her.

"You keep inventing new reasons for me to fall in love with you. And everyday I fall harder than I did the day before. My chest feels like it's going to explode." He whispered.

And honestly, she couldn't say any different about her love for him.

Nestled side to side, he cradled her so she was sleeping against his forearm. Their bodies locked tightly together.

"Good thing you married me." She smirked, behind closed eyes.

He looked at her again, this time running his fingers through her hair and nuzzling their noses together. "How did I get so lucky?" He hugged her closer.

She smiled at that weakly. "You chose me," she rasped. "People don't choose me, but you did. You're the only one that ever has. You made me believe I was worth a damn…" She opened her eyes for him. "I don't know what I'd do without you. Or who I'd be. I'm just glad you showed up when you did, because I was having second thoughts there for a minute. I tried to push a strong front but underneath it all, I was so tired David. Emotionally, mentally… I became careless with my life. So self sacrificial. I thought whatever was waiting on the other side had to be better than here. I was numb. And giving my life for another made sense. Seemed like the right thing to do. I was so ready to write my life away, but then I met you, and you gave me a reason to stay. I'm glad I did 'cause if somebody would've told me I was going to be wife and a mother in just over a year…"

"Was it worth it?" He asked as he strummed her curve.

"I'd do it all again for you and the meep."

David laughed deep from within his chest. "We need to start thinking about names."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Meep is perfect."

"I know you've thought about it and that Carisi's turned my child's name into an ongoing bet."

"I'll know it when I see him."

"You're not going to be cheesy and try and name him after me are you?"

"We'll think of something..."

She wished she said something else. If she had known the next morning that everything was going to change, she would've said something else.

"I love you."

"Stay with me."

"Don't go…"

But he did. She felt the bed dip before sunrise, and heard the shower a few minutes later. She herself hadn't moved for another hour or so, and when she finally came to, the morning seemed like every other morning. Her bones and muscles were sore and a warm stickiness leaked from between her legs.

She was going to need a bath if she was ever going to try and make it to work today. The effects of a shower would ware off the minute she walked out the front door.

An hour later she emerged partially ready for the day.

"You're leaving already?" Olivia came out of the bathroom fastening an earring in while she rushed to get to work. David was no different pulling clothes out from their closet and layering them into a suitcase on the chase in their bedroom. She knew he wasn't going to be able to talk his way out of not flying out, but she thought they would have more time together. At least a few more days.

"The sooner I'm gone, the sooner I'll be back," he said without looking at her. She sat down on the bed and watched him. He did a double take at her going from room to room. He threw another pair of slacks in and came over and knelt down in front of her.

"You're going to be fine."

She smiled softly in her way. Trying not to show how much she was falling apart. "You're leaving for almost a month...and I had plans to say goodbye to you. You keep leaving. It's never been like this…"

"I know, and I promise it won't be forever. I'm so close to wrapping everything up. I have plans too, remember? I'm doing this for us, and for our family. I want to be able to give you guys as much time as possible, Liv. I don't want to run across Europe while my kids are growing up here with you. I want to be there. I want to know them and be present. I promised you that. Let me do this for us."

She nodded, giving him permission to go, but it didn't make her feel any better.

"Would you rather I do this after the baby's born?" He offered. "If you really want me to stay just say the word, and I'll pick up my phone and call."

"Can't you stay for just another day?" She reasoned.

"You know I can't. I push it to the limit every time and then I get all caught up, and everything's a mess. If I'm going to do this right, now's the time."

Having him leave after she gave birth would've been significantly harder for both of them. She was going to need his help, and she was looking forward to spending her maternity leave with just the three of them like they planned. No interruptions. If she asked him to stay, he'd miss out on some of that time. It really was best that he left now, she told herself. He just had this one job. This one project that he needed to oversee and then he'd be back for good.

She shook her head no. Hating herself for tearing up.

Hormones.

"Hey?" David caught the few that had escaped with his thumbs. "I'll be back before you know it. This is the last one. And then I'm yours. And when I get back you can tell me all about those plans you had." He joked softly. She smiled but she couldn't stop tearing up. "Don't cry, Liv. Please. Don't make this harder for me." She nodded, but more came when he leaned in and pulled her lips into his own. Kissing in the way that only he could. With infinite love and dangerous lust. "You're going to be fine. And when I come home, it's you and me through to the end of this thing alright?"

"Just come back soon," she begged, hugging him tight. "I miss you…."

"I will. I promise." He kissed her again. Quickly that time, not wanting to cause her anymore distress. "I'll be back before you even know I'm gone."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I doubt that."

"Skype me."

Her phone rang. It was Fin. Again. _Damn it._

"You have to go." He was telling her more than asking and she knew it was time.

"I want to try," she mumbled.

David frowned but then suddenly understood. "Liv, there's no time. He's not going to do it."

She knew the baby probably wouldn't, but he was leaving. Really leaving. Traveling across the world to stay for the longest he'd ever been from home, from her, since they met. And before he left, she wanted him to feel his son, just in case something happened. She didn't even want to imagine, but his mother and her Sicilian superstitions had plagued her like you wouldn't believe. All she needed was one kick. One kick that's it. The baby had been moving inside her all morning but for some reason, with David…

Ignoring him she dragged his hand across her curve. "Do you feel that?"

He leaned into her intently. His big hands crowding her swell as he stroked her. She searched his eyes gently waiting for him to say something. The baby was so active she thought for sure he'd be able to feel something. She was starting to give up when David flinched back hard. A look of bewilderment evident on his face. "Oh my god, he's so strong- Does that hurt?"

"Not yet," she smiled up at him, feeling her eyes start to water. David got down on his knees and hugged her by the hips before pressing his lips against another small flutter. Her heart quickened at the intimacy, and she felt a weight lift off her chest knowing she'd at least get to rest easy with him gone. She smiled softly hearing him whisper in Italian and kiss her even more, until the shrill sound of her phone vibrating interrupted them. David got back on his feet as she answered.

"Benson," she sounded. Her eyes closing once more, feeling David kiss her face. "I'll be right there."

"Go." He urged. "I'm coming back."

"We'll be here." She heard herself say.

He kissed her once more. "Go," he begged. "Before I change my mind."

And then he pulled away, placing anchors around her legs so she couldn't move. At least not right away. The feeling of her cell vibrating in her blazer forced her to move forward and not look back.

Twenty six days.

She'd be close to seven months when he came back. She chewed on her lip and got into the car, for the first time that morning, wishing she were already at work, so she wouldn't have to remember him anymore. A new case was just what she needed to take her mind off things.

She strolled into the precinct quarter to 8 nose deep into her cell.

"Yo, finally. I've been calling you all morning." Fin stood, his chair rolling softly behind him.

"What is it?" Olivia looked up underneath her glasses.

"Hate crimes has something you need to see." Her eyes widened and she B-lined from her office and followed Fin to the other division.

In an apartment just outside of Soho there was a dead body hanging by the neck in the bathroom shower. Written in blood behind him were the words, Fags Should Gag.

Olivia peered at the photos disheartened at the images.

"There have been two other cases with the same MO Lieutenant, but this time the vic was raped and sodomized." The officer explained.

"The perp is escalating," she said to Fin.

"TARU's got some CCTV across the street from a local corner store but so far no leads." He explained as they walked back to the precinct.

"What's in the other files? Have there been any witnesses?"

"They all say the same thing. It was late. Never heard any ruckus. No fighting. No signs of a break in."

"So they knew the guy." Olivia shook her head. "What about the vics? Do they have anything in common?"

"The neighbor says this one was a real partier. Always looked wiped out the next day," Amanda said coming up to meet them. She and Carisi had just got back from the apartment building.

"She give a name? Any place that he may have been frequent in?" Olivia pressed.

"No. But we found this in his room." Olivia looked at the evidence bag and saw the club card and address.

"Let's start here. Carisi go with Fin, let me know if they find anything on the CCTV."

They ended up nailing the son of a bitch in just under two days, all but promising the next few weeks were going to be restless. Time passed painfully slow, and she missed David every moment.

"He'll be back before you know it," Nick reminded her, with a quick kiss on her cheek. "How's mano?"

He came by early that morning to keep her company after she expressed severe loneliness.

Well, she may have over exaggerated a little. She had the day off, and couldn't stand to be home with nothing to do. So he came over and brought bagels and took her for a short walk in Central Park. It was beautiful, especially with all the snow. They didn't stay out long, but it was better than sitting in the house…

"Starving. I thought you were going to feed us."

"We're not stopping at some junk food place. I gotta up the ante. You're six months now. Whole different ball game," he smirked.

"Don't remind me."

"Why? Nervous for the big day?"

"What if he's not here?" She heard herself say.

"David?" Nick pulled his eyes away from traffic as the car came to a halt. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course he's going to be there. Didn't he like, rent out the entire top floor of Mount Sinai for you or something?"

Or something.

She shrugged. "He keeps leaving…I'm not due for another few months but what if it doesn't get better. What if he talks me into being ok with him going, and I go into labor? It's not like he'll be in court. He'll be halfway across the world. Baby's come early all the time…He'll miss it. I don't want my son to come into this world feeling alone."

"He won't be. That's the beautiful thing about parenting, Liv. He'll have you. You guys already have an exclusive bond. It's you that counts."

Nick pressed the accelerator again.

"Yeah, but I'm not enough."

"What are you talking about? Of course you are, mami." Olivia didn't say anything. "I get it. You want the best for your kid, but trust me, you are the best. Any kid would be lucky to have you as a mother. Mano isn't even born yet, and look how hard you're looking out. Don't stress, David knows how important all of this is, he'll be there."

He parked in front of her favorite restaurant. An upscale Thai place with the best spicy noodles.

"You're too good to me. Really."

"Nothing but the best. Come on."

They were seated immediately. "What are you going to get?" He asked her.

"The usual. You?"

"Panang curry. I'm really feeling that with a side a rice."

The waiter came and poured them each a glass of water. "Do you need a minute, or are you guys ready to order?" She asked.

"We're ready. I'll have the Pad Thai, spicy." Olivia ordered.

"And I'll have the curry with the side of rice." Nick followed.

He waited until they were alone to ask her the big question. Unbeknownst to her, he had been talking to David about her for a while. Her husband was worried sick about her. With the pregnancy she was anxious about one thing over the next. Nick knew why but he hadn't really felt it was his place to say anything. He just tried to nurture the situation as best as he could and stressed that David be supportive. But as he saw earlier today in the car, she wasn't any better than she should've been."

"Did you ever talk to him about what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"With your other pregnancy. The abortion…"

"Of course I told him, he's my husband."

"Yeah, but does he know who the father was?" Olivia shrugged. "Liv."

She flinched hearing the disappointment in his voice.

"It doesn't matter. I'm not going there. It's over. It happened. And it's over. He's gone. My life is here. Now. With David and our son."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Don't give that son of a bitch more power over you than he already has. All this anxiety you're feeling. All these fears you keep having it's coming from him and what he did to you. That's not fair. David deserves the right to know. If I were him-

"But you're not Nick. So just drop it."

The waiter came back with their food.

"No. I'm not because you're still mentally there with him and it's effecting you. This is David's child, not his, and I don't think you realize that. - And before you tell me to back off, David called me. He's been calling me because he's worried about you."

"What did you tell him?" Olivia asked defensively.

"I didn't say anything. I would never say anything. I just told him to love you, but Liv... You can't keep burying this underneath the table. You need to talk to him."

"And tell him what?"

"The truth." He leaned back. "All of it."

Her stomach churned tightly, and suddenly she wasn't hungry. She knew Nick was right, and that's what made it so hard to get over.

"I'm sorry I brought it up. I just love you so much and I don't want it to bite you in the ass one day. With or without the badge, I'm still your partner and I want you to be happy to the fullest extent. You deserve that, Liv."

"I know."

"You're not going to be upset with me now are you?"

She flashed her most believing small smile, though she was miles away.

"That depends. You gonna take me to magnolias so I can get some banana pudding for desert?"

He smirks. "Only if it's on the way."

Out of guilt of course, they had, and then he took her home and they watched old movies together. He knew her inside and out, so forgetting their conversation at lunch was easy. He knew just want to say to make her laugh. To get her to calm down, but the weight of what he said had settled on her chest, and she felt it all night. Nick was right. She was anxious. She even sporadically picked up the phone and called David, even though she knew he wasn't going to answer.

"This is David Haden, I'm unable to take your call. Please leave a brief message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

She hung up and sat feeling the baby kick, unable to fall asleep until she had held one of David's old shirts close to her chest.

The next morning she woke up, started coffee for Nick, and made him some breakfast. He came upstairs from the gym not long after looking like a god damned Papi Jalapeño if she ever saw one. No shirt. Basketball shorts. Biceps. Abs. The hot sheen of sweat, glistening off his skin. And of course, the facial hair that he had smartly grown in.

She arched her brow, for the first time getting that mutual feeling she knew he always had for her.

He pulled off his headphones, and kissed her. "Like what you see? Es muy caliente?"

"More like es muy cali-niente."

"Oouh, that burned. Did you get any sleep?"

"Of course not." She poured him a cup of coffee.

"Well you look hot. I like your hair like this. I feel like I'm with you. The real you." He said.

"What do you mean? You're always with the real me."

She sat down across from him at the island and ate her bacon.

"Not like this."

"Why? Because I don't have any makeup on?" she asked as she bit her toast.

Nick laughed nervously, before scratching his head and pointing at her. "And also because you're leaking."

"What?" She looked at her shirt and found two wet spots around her areolas. She dropped her fork on her plate. "Oh, dammnit. Sorry."

"It's ok." Nick stopped her. "Don't change, you'll wet another one. Here," He dug into her freezer and got her some ice. "This won't work after the baby's born so don't get any ideas, but just hold it on on your um- you know."

"My nipples? Thanks."

"Right, yeah. Don't compress though. You can cause build up in the ducts."

"When did you become such an expert on colostrum?"

"I have a daughter remember?"

"I thought you weren't with Maria during her pregnancy."

"I wasn't but I had a lot of questions. She just shoved that what to expect book at me one day, and told me to wise up. So I did."

"Good thing," she mumbled.

Nick's cell rang. "Speaking of which," he answered. "Hola mi amor, como estas? Si…Estoy con Olivia. Si…Si..Baby, I will promise. Ok. Te veré pronto."

He hung up. "That's my queue."

"You're going?" She sighed heavily. It was his day with Zara.

"If it were anyone else, you'd know I'd stay right?"

"I know."

"You're going to be fine. Call your husband." He kissed her goodbye.

"Nick?"

"What?" He perked up.

"You know I'd take care of that for you?" She said of his hard-on.

His eyebrows dropped. "Shut the fuck up." He turned and descended down the stairs to leave.

"Love you!" She called out.

"No you don't!" He called back.

She threw the rest of her ice back into the sink, and sulked once more letting the weight of her conversation with Nick roll off.

In truth, she had been here once before. At the beginning when she first found out she was pregnant. But she swept it under the rug so many times, handing David explanation after explanation that the reality of her fears got lost underneath her marriage.

Now with Nick's revelation she had a window to bring it up again. She just didn't see the point though. What would she gain by opening up about the truth? David couldn't have loved or supported her more if he tried. He always reaffirmed that she could share with him, and that he would listen. She had that security already.

Her issues were her own, she told herself.

And she had the next three weeks to get over them.


	14. Under Suspicion

_Then_

 _March 2016_

"Zia?"

"Yes my love?"

"What's this a picture of on your phone?"

Her littlest niece held up the blurred black and white photo on her lock screen, and she smiled same as she always did when she saw it. So absolutely in love with the shapes and size you could see.

"That is a picture of your baby cousin."

"It is?"

"Mhm."

"But it doesn't look like a baby."

"That's because he's still growing inside me." She motioned to her stomach. "See? Right here."

Marisol had told the girls that she was expecting months ago but neither of them understood what that really meant. When she really started to show, Mia had come over and asked her flat out why she was so fat.

"Zia," she said. "I know Zio makes really good food, but you have to stop eating it. You're getting too fat!" The whole family had a good laugh about it, but even with Marisol reminding them that she was carrying, they both were so curious about her pregnancy. It was really sweet.

Fast forward to now. Heavily six months. And the girls still wanted to know everything. They bombarded her with questions since they too had been away visiting David's mother in Italy. He still hadn't come back home yet, so it was a quiet weekend. Busy, but quiet, and that morning they were all cooked up in the house, stuffed full from eating pancakes. And now they were lounging in the living room watching Cinderella Together. Mia was curled up at her feet, totally knocked out and Isabella was out in front of her on the floor, playing with her toys.

Isabella stared at her, her small face frowning.

"It's a boy cousin?"

"Why the long face, mimma?"

"Because he's going to like bugs and stuff."

"That's ok. Everybody should be different, but just because we're having a boy that doesn't mean you two won't have fun. You can show him all of your crayons, and the new dress-up box Zio and I got you."

"Can he come stay in the Teepee?"

"Mhm."

"When is he going to come out? Can he come out now?"

"Not yet, my angel. He's not strong enough. His lungs are still growing so he can breathe easy. And his brain so he can come up with new ideas, his nose," she dusted the little one in front of her, and pinched her cheek.

"Are his feet growing too? Zio has big dinosaur feet. I don't think he should have big feet. They're scary."

Olivia snorted, opening her arms. David did have pretty big feet. But then again, he had pretty big everything. "Come here, you." Isabella climbed up on the couch and she kissed her up in her way.

"Can you have a girl next time?"

"We'll have to see what Zio says, but I'll do my best," Olivia winked.

"When's he coming back so you can ask him?"

She had no idea. They hadn't spoken in over 2 weeks. Which she pretended didn't bother her but deep down inside, she was hurt. She brushed Isabella's hair away from her face.

"Soon," she promised, thumbing the baby's kicks as she thought about him.

She knew she probably didn't sound very convincing, but it was all she could say to keep from worrying. He sent texts once a day inquiring about her health and that was it. He was working so hard, and she missed him so much she could hardly stand it. She knew he was on an intense schedule, running back and forth between meetings to secure a seamless future for them, but she had at least expected he'd call so she could hear his voice. Not hearing from him was cruel.

"Want to make a welcome home card for him?" She asked, scooping the child in her arms to stand. The little head on her chest nodded and they got busy with some serious glitter and glue.

Around 3 she had to stop to get ready for work so she tried calling him again. It was only 8pm where he was.

"This is David Haden, I'm unable to take your call. Please leave a brief message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

"Hey, it's me…" she sounded. "I miss your voice. Call me. I'm starting to worry."

She hung up and her home screen went to her favorite photo of them. A black and white portrait in Greece after she told him about the baby. His eyes were dreamily staring down at her, and she had the biggest smile on account of his whispering something so funny in her ear. Both their hands were secure around her barely there bump.

After talking to Nick she took the pregnancy to a whole new level. He of course, had been right about everything so she decided to see Lindstrom while David was away, which was a remedy she didn't know she needed. He gave her affirmation, confidence, and strength. These days she was just so filled with excitement to meet the baby, that she couldn't wait for David to get home so she could show him how big their little one had grown…

She was strong enough to do that now. Completely unafraid to soak up every magical moment, which let's be clear, were miracles to their own merit. She felt so ridiculous for thinking the pregnancy was going to be anything like it was last time. She had a partner in David. The baby was them and no one else and she couldn't wait to hold him in her arms.

She locked her screen.

He was going to call, she told herself.

When he had time, he would call.

Except he hadn't. Another week went by, and like she predicted she was knocking on the door of 7months and he still hadn't made any real contact.

"Olivia?" Barba called out to her.

She rubbed her ring against her finger and looked at him behind her glasses. "What?"

"Did you hear me?"

Truthfully? She hadn't. She hadn't heard a word he said since walking into her office and closing the door behind him. She had been on autopilot all night thinking about David. She had grown restless.

She brushed her hair back and took off her glasses. "I'm sorry, I'm just kind of stressed out about something."

Rafael frowned. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head and hated that she'd teared up. "Ignore me. I'm hormonal."

He offered her his handkerchief. "How many girls have you lent that to?" She asked eyeing it down.

"Only the ones with OBH. For initials."

She took it graciously with a smile. "So tell me again," she cleared her throat. "What's going on?"

"Well with all the funding you and David have managed to source, we were able to get some kits tested. I got calls from Sing Sing, Rikers and Seal View with about 9 names in total that were falsely convicted, and we've identified seventy or so serial rapists."

"What?"

Rafael nodded, smiling. "It's huge, Liv. And it's only going to crawl upstream. Higher ups are going to want to comb through every kit once they see these numbers."

She had been trying to hold in her emotions before but now she was inconsolable. Finally looking at the file that Barba handed her before walking in. It was pages of names.

"You did good, Lieutenant."

Pride wasn't the word she was looking for. Relief? Ease? Comfort- Closure. Definitely Closure.

And healing for so many survivors. She flipped through another page. Her heart breaking more.

"Can any of these be salvaged?" She croaked.

She meant the cases. Could they be tried? Were any in danger of the statute of limitations?

"Most. A handful are in limbo…I've been combing through to see we if we can try with a loophole. You know, assault with attempt to kidnap, rob…"

She nodded. "What can I do to help?"

Rafael laughed at her. "Are you kidding? Go home. Celebrate. You did your part, the rest is on us."

Olivia wiped her eyes, cleared her throat. "Have you made arrangements to contact any of the survivors?"

"I talked to some of the guys downstairs, I've got a handful of recruits ready to make house calls."

"No we'll do it. None of those guys are trained. These people need an apology, and empathy…time. You can't just pop in and pop out."

"Are you sure you can handle that? You're short staffed as it is. More so when the baby comes."

"I'll handle it." Olivia reiterated.

"Alright. Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you." She noticed Rafael was hesitant.

"What?" She pressed.

"There's something else that I've been meaning to talk to you about." She pulled off her glasses again and zoned in for once allowing herself to forget about David for a while. Whatever he was about to tell her must've been important she realized. He tightened his fists and released them, edging on with stress. "I've been thinking about taking a step back."

She blinked in shock, before leaning in with concern. "When did you decide this?"

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter-

"This is about what happened with Jack McCoy, isn't it?" Olivia concluded, switching gears. He'd gotten tied up recently in a case involving a comatose infant and was tried for murder. He was struggling with a personal conflict at the time, and they were both guilty of getting too emotionally involved. To the point that Olivia quietly blamed herself for ever getting him tied up in it.

"I ran into him you know? He kept going on and on about some bill congress passed about releasing criminals and inmates. A lot of guys are coming out on mental illness, which he predicted. He mocked me and said, either way justice was never going to be served in my case. Right or wrong I was always going to get off Scott free."

She got up to sit by his side. "They acquitted you Rafa."

"I know Liv, but I..." He stopped and looked at her almost apologetically because he'd already made up his mind. And that upset her even more.

She swallowed the acid in her throat, and felt her body tense up, as she prepared to listen to the inevitable.

He started over. "You know when I started this with you, the law was as black and white to me as paper and ink. Guilty. Not Guilty. But it's not always that simple is it? You know that. And I know that now…and I don't know if I can do my job anymore. Working with you has really changed how I operate in the court room, and what happened with Drew and Jack is proof of that."

"So this is my fault?"

"What? No. This has nothing do with fault. I'm thanking you, Olivia. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can reach and understand people that need to be reached and understood. As a human being that's incredibly vital to me, as a lawyer it's a death sentence. And if I had to choose between the big shot with the penthouse on 5th avenue and someone who can really make a difference without bias or with an err of conscience, I choose the latter."

Olivia tilted her chin up at him. "Sounds like you've thought this through."

"It's already been set into motion."

She wiped her eyes again and crossed her arms. "So who's the new guy?"

"You'll like him."

"I doubt that."

"Cocky, arrogant, clueless. Just your type. You'll whip him into shape in no time. He's got plenty to learn, and you've got plenty to teach."

"You trust him with this?" She held up the manilla folder with the names.

"I trust him to be sound, and I think the people on that list need and deserve that. They deserve a case that isn't clouded by my actions."

Olivia patted Dominic for comfort as she was growing overwhelmed by Barba's decision. "I'm not abandoning them, and I'm not abandoning you." He said behind her. "I promised that I would help and be there and I meant it. The new guy won't be alone. You won't be alone, and neither will the survivors. I'm not leaving you Liv."

She turned back to look at him. "I'll hold you to that."

"I hope so."

When she got home that night she was so tired she could hardly think straight. She was physically worn out from the pregnancy, and emotionally beat from not hearing from David and dealing with Rafa's leave. Not to mention the stress of having to deal and train with a new prosecutor. Then of course she had the names of the survivor's who's kits had been tested. The cop in her wanted to go over the cases one more time, and schedule meet and greets for each one, but the woman inside was done in and done for.

She thanked the sitter for looking after the girls, and sent her home. She peeled off her coat and brushed her hair out of her face and let the loneliness sink in. All she wanted to do was take a bath and get into bed.

She climbed up the flights of stairs to her room and checked her cell phone, and like usual, there were no missed calls, and no missed messages.

Bitterly she drew a bath, loathing that she had to spend another night without him.

Her clothes fell to the ground and she quickly got in desperate to feel the water soak down to her bones.

"Mind if I join you?

She turned around and saw him standing in the doorway. He looked taller if that was even possible. His arms bigger. Stronger. And he had grown his hair out so there was a handsome shadow down his jaw. Still clad in his suit, he was gorgeous as ever. And just like that, the bitterness and resentment she held over him not calling had vanished. He was home and that was all she cared about.

"When did you get back?" She asked, surprising her self when her voice started to shake.

"An hour ago, but I wanted to stop and get you something." He pulled his arm from behind his back and held a bouquet of Peonies. Her favorite. "I know you hate romantics, but I wanted you to have something nice." He said, coming to sit by her.

She leaned over the porcelain and kissed him. Whimpering, feeling it race through her body. She wanted more but she was so tired…

"I love them," she said softly.

He set the flowers on the floor. "I missed you both every moment."

"Well, you're going to be missing me for another night," she huffed. "I'm exhausted. I'm not really in the mood."

"Good," he laughed at her gently. "Neither am I. I just want to hold you in my arms tonight," he kissed her again. "Kiss you. Tell you how much I love you." he curled a lock behind her ear.

She could hear the exhaustion in his voice too. For as long as she'd known him, she'd never seen him so totally spent. He had a heaviness in his eyes, she realized. And his voice was thick. Coarse. Barely coming in under a whisper. When he held her his hands were gentle. They didn't have the usual demanding, force that she liked. And the warmth in his cheeks burned with delirium.

"So you going to join me or what?"

"Right now?" He tilted his chin up at her. "I just want to look at you. I missed your nose. And this hair. And your eyes..." He took her hand and squeezed it against his chest. "Tell me about work, the baby, anything, I just want to hear your voice."

"You should've called me."

"I would've been on the first flight back and you know it. It gutted me being away from you so long." He shook his head as if he were still thousands of miles away.

She kissed his fingers and brought them to the baby. "You're home now and that's all that matters..." she said softly. He stared at her, his eyes brimming with love and exhaustion. "He's so big now, wait until I get out of this tub."

The baby, like always, was knocked out at this time of night. She smiled at the thought. So much time had passed and not much had changed. He always seemed to be sleeping whenever David was around.

"Did you think of a name?"

She had. It was part of the progress she'd made with Lindstrom.

"You're not going to like it."

"What do you mean? Of course I'm going to like it. Did you come up with it yourself?"

"I was inspired."

"As long as it's what you want, I'll love it."

"Dominic."

She watched him frown. His strong nose flaring inward. "Dominic?" He repeated. "Isn't that your Rookie's name?"

She shrugged. "Yeah but nobody calls him that."

"What happened to 'I'll know it when I see him?'"

"Cold feet," she whispered intimately.

"Dominic….Dominic Haden." He paused, a small smile creeping into the corner of his lips. "Ok." He gave her a soapy kiss.

"That's it?" She hadn't expected it to be that easy. "You didn't have anything in mind?"

"I had only girl names. I thought for sure, we were going to have a daughter, but then we found out the baby is a boy. I couldn't decide on any I liked. I just kept hoping you would think of something. And you did. That's good. I'm proud of you, you know that? I'm so proud of everything you do, but right now especially."

"What do you mean?" She quipped.

"You're different. Excited. You've always been excited but you seem to own it now. You've been working your kinks out haven't you?"

"Kinks? What kinks? I don't have any kinks?" She tilted her chin up at him and rubbed her thumb under his eyes. "You on the other hand."

His cell rang and he looked down at it before turning it off. She arched her brow, smirking. "So it's true then? I do have a man with a singular taste."

"I promised when I came home, that you'd be first in my life. I meant it. No more meetings. No more calls. I'm done. From here on out, it's just you and me. I am now, officially a stay at home dad." She laughed at him.

Her husband stood tall at six foot four. Broad at the shoulders. Lean in the legs. He had big steel lion arms. And the most intimidating face. Without question he had the build of a heavy weight boxer. And that was just in his physique alone. He was absolutely terrifying to the average man. And the thought of him clad in diapers, and bottles for the next 24 months hit her funny bone.

David wasn't the type of man to bend to circumstance. While most father's would've traded in their sports cars for family vans, he clung tightly to his Ferrari.

"What? Why's that funny?" He laughed softly.

"Because every time I picture you with a bottle, you look ridiculous."

"Clock out with me. We'll look ridiculous together."

The room settled, and her heart grew heavy. All the years they'd been together, she knew one day he would ask her to leave SVU. Retire. Be with him. It wasn't too long ago that Ed had once asked her the same thing. But with David, he seemed to always trust and understand that she needed SVU. That it was apart of her, and he never really tried to come in between that. Until now.

"….One day," she whispered. "When I'm ready."

He exhaled deeply as if he'd been holding his breath, praying, wishing, that she'd say yes. And that stung even more. Even with him smiling at her, so understanding, so completely with acceptance, it stung. "I know…" he kissed her hand. "I'm going to take a shower. Don't stay in here too long."

She watched him get undressed just for fun and leaned back into the water feeling bittersweet, until she was ready for bed.

That night she slept easy in David's arms and she would've stayed there all morning if they didn't have two extremely hungry and awake house guests.

She reluctantly let them pull her away and escort her downstairs where the French toast order would eventually commence.

She smiled listening to the girls whisper behind her about David's beard. Both were so engrossed with their conversation that neither noticed him coming into the room.

He roared, shaking the girls with a loud "Boo!" And scooped them both in his arms, tickling and kissing them while they squealed.

"Zio!" They cried. "We thought you were sleeping," Isabella giggled pinching his nose.

"I was, and then I noticed, that somebody took Zia from me so early in the morning, and I thought, who would take my lovely Zia from me? Thing 1 and Thing 2," he messed both of their hair up.

"Zia said you were really, really, really, tired." Mia explained.

"Sì, ero stanco."

"And that we're having a boy cousin!" Isabella climbed back into his arms.

"Sì, piccola. Sei eccitato?"

"Voleva una ragazza" Mia frowned at Olivia's plate.

David laughed. "Un altro?"

"Sì. Allora saremo in tre. Io, Bella, e la bambina."

"Maybe next time." David smiled using his free arm to pull Olivia into the huddle.

"Good morning, my sweet." She kissed him.

"Hi." He kissed her back with even more vigor.

"Your so tan…" she frowned, staring at his skin in the sunlight. She hadn't noticed last night but he was a full shade darker than when he left. "Switzerland had sunlight at this time of year?"

"I tried out one of those crazy spa things."

Spa thing? What kind of spa thing? He looked like he just spent a week at the beach. She started to ask him about it but the girls were so antsy..

"We made you a surprise," Mia exclaimed. She hopped out of her seat and ran into the living room to get his welcome home card.

"You made this?"

It was filled with glitter and confetti everywhere. Mia had drew the house and the flowers and the sunshine. And Isabella had made stick figures of the whole family. Including Dominic who was holding worms.

"Zia helped too."

David loved the whole thing. "I love it. This is beautiful. Thank you girls." He kissed them all again.

"Tell Zio what you guys want to do today." Olivia reminded them.

"We want to get ice cream, and watch movies," Mia explained.

"And build legos." Isabella jumped in his lap, and fed him bits of her French toast.

"Mmm. Thank you mimma. What about you Zia?"

"I have to work," she half frowned, half smiled. "Finish eating girls, so you can go pick out your movie," she kissed them both.

"I love you Zia," Mia said behind her stuffed mouth, dripping with syrup. "I love you too bug," She grabbed her tea and walked out of the room. It was early as heck. 7am. She didn't have to start to get ready until 9 at least. She hoped he caught on to that.

She barely made it up the stairs before David was on her like a madman.

"That was fast."

"How much time do I have?" He whispered kissing her neck and that spot below her ear between her neck and her jaw. The one that made her forget how to speak.

"Two-Two hours," she breathed, shivering hearing the door slam behind her. "Did you put the movie on?"

The Sound of Music. The longest running kids movie coming in at a staggering 174 mins. That meant six minutes shy of three hours of interrupted sex. They didn't have that much time to spare that morning, but they were going to use every musical act they could get.

He bunched up her slip and lifted it off her, while kicking off his boxer shorts. He groaned feeling them together again. Skin to skin after so long. His kiss was hungry and sweet, and messy.

"I took care of it."

"Touch me," she begged.

He pulled her closer, hugging her against his body. He clutched her throat in his grasp, while his other hand roamed free, spreading her legs apart to open her pussy. A slick, silky smooth warmth kissed his fingers, and he caressed every inch of her but her clit. It had grown so big and swollen just out of anticipation that he decided to drag out the edge for as long as he could.

"I've waited so long to be with you," he whispered in her ear. "I wanted you. Did you miss me?"

"Yes" she breathed, as she rocked into his hand. His fingers slipped in much to his chagrin, forcing him to pump hard and fast.

He groaned feeling her legs start to shake so soon. His eyes locked on hers. That was always the most devastating part, Olivia thought. How he'd look at her when she came. It was almost a contest. Who could fall further into the other person without losing themselves completely.

She cried out as her orgasm started to peak, and for a moment she forgot the kids were in the house!

He covered her lips with his and without giving her a moments rest, his huge cock had split her open.

The combination of shock and pleasure had her shaking. The dull pinch between her thighs, the hungry ache further inside. It was too much. Oh god it was too much.

She whimpered softly in his throat, trying desperately to adjust.

They stayed still together, as he sank balls deep, holding each other. Kissing each other. And when he started to move, his cock hitting every rippling nerve, slow and close, she let go.

"Harder, David," she begged holding his fingers at her clit. His thrusts were powerful and magnetic, and she couldn't get enough even if she tried!

She fantasized about this moment for weeks. And now she was choking on anticipation feeling herself start to give in. The stretch felt too good. The things he was doing to her nipples were too incredible to ignore.

" _Ti senti così bene, cara_ ," he groaned as they pounded together. "Don't stop."

It was so erotic.

Between her hormones, and the time apart, she was sopping wet, and his stamina wasn't wavering anytime soon.

She focused on the sound of his hips slapping against hers, his fingers buried deep between her folds. "I'm going to cum," she moaned. "I'm going to- oh god!"

She slammed back on him, squeezing his cock so hard he could barely stand to move.

David moaned at the feeling of her pressing against him. Her skin so soft and supple. "Yes…Liv-Liv- yes!" David held her still and came hard shooting his thick creamy load deep inside her. She cried out at the feeling. Louder than she meant to and he groaned above her, pushing it deep into her womb, with each slowing thrust. He breathed hard, feeling the thick spurts almost glob out of him and when he finally stopped and pulled out, a thick trail followed him and dripped down Olivia's pussy.

She reached down and swirled it around her clit. "Oh my god," she panted as he held her, already missing the feeling of him.

He held her face in place and kissed her. "Mine for an hour," he whispered against her lips.

"Make it count," she all but begged.

He didn't disappoint. Before she knew it she was head down, ass up on their bed, and he was plowing into her to his heart's content until the familiar shrill from her cell phone pulled them out of their reunion.

To make up for the time lost, he offered to drive her to work which she happily took him up on. The man had blew her back out with the way he loved her.

They dropped the kids off to Marisol, and enjoyed their time alone together at last.

He drove with her hand tangled with his.

"I can't wait for you to get home tonight."

She scoffed. "I haven't even left you yet."

He didn't seem phased. "I miss you all the time. Even when you're standing right next to me."

She smiled up at him. She knew the feeling. "You have to learn to stay in the moment."

"After this morning? I don't think so."

She laughed huskily. "I know you really enjoyed yourself."

"Not as much as you did."

"I think it was the beard. I could feel it when you licked me." She kissed him for emphasis.

"Do you like it? I was thinking about shaving it."

"No," she said it too quickly and he laughed over her. "I like it. It looks good on you. Don't grow it all out but this is nice."

He had the bear look. The lumberjack, big daddy, look. And it made her so wet.

"We'll see…" He pulled up outside of the precinct. "Please be careful," he begged. "And come back soon. I love you." He leaned in and kissed her.

"I will. Promise. I love you too."

"See you at 6?" He asked as she climbed out of the car.

"On the dot."

The minute she left him she felt her heart tug, and she became bitter about having to leave.

She breezed into the 1-6. "Good morning," she said to no one in particular.

"Someone's in a good mood." Amanda quipped.

"It's 20 after 10. David's home. She's never late unless David's home." Fin observed amusingly.

"I heard that," she said leaning from her doorway, glasses on. "Get in here. All of you. There's something we need to talk about."

Barba. The rapekits. The house calls. They were shocked to say the least.

She handed them each a manilla folder. "These are the list of names and addresses of the survivors. I want you each to travel with an escort when you're making these house calls. If we get called for another crime, send your escort to the scene and stay with the victim until you've found an appropriate time to leave. If it's an emergency, ask to step outside, assess the situation and calmly explain to them that you need to leave, but don't rush them. Leave resources. Make them feel seen."

"When should we start?" Amanda asked.

"As soon as possible. I want you and Carisi to take shifts."

"Copy that, Lieu."

"Fin you stay," she ordered as the got up to leave. "Amanda, please close the door behind you."

"Sure."

They waited.

"What's up?" Fin asked.

"I just want to check in and see how you're doing. Do you think you're going to be ready for when I go on maternity leave?"

She was counting on him to be there while she was away. She loathed the idea of Dodds sending in someone else. It wouldn't be fair to her squad or any of the victims that walked through the front door. Anybody else but Fin would be insensitive and brash.

"You mean the two weeks you'll be gone? Sure. Walk in the park."

Her expression dropped when he started to mock her. She fully intended to work up until her due date but despite what everyone thought she had planned on taking at least three months off to be with David and the baby.

"More like 8 but ok."

Fin got a crack out of that. "Sure, Liv. Whatever you say."

There was a knock at the door, and Amanda popped in.

"Sorry. Liv, some lawyer chick is here to see you."

She arched her brow and walked out to find a familiar face.

Tall girl. Great legs. Dark hair, mediterranean features like hers. Whoever she was, she was all business. Clad in a very expensive suit, and a monotone stare. She had an air about her that was aggressive and busy. It was obvious she used a combination of intimidation and seduction to her advantage, but when she smiled Olivia wasn't entirely sure which one she was using on her.

"Olivia, hi." She was immediately hugged which she had to say, surprised her. "You probably don't remember me, I'm Abbie Carmichael."

The lawyer. One of Jack's minion's. Or at least she was. They did a case or two when she came crawling out of the academy to replace Elliot's old partner but she hadn't seen the woman since. It had to have been something over ten years. What a stretch. She smiled even though she was unsure of why she had stopped by. "What brings you to SVU?"

"I was in the building and I just thought I'd stop by, we haven't been able to catch up since the wedding and then boom I turn around and you're pregnant. It happened so fast!" She shrieked with excitement. "I've been dying to get to the house, so I can get all my gifts to you." Olivia's smile got weaker by the minute, and a deep penetrating feeling of confusion started to set in. And it seemed like everybody noticed except their visitor. "Anyway, I don't want to keep you, I just wanted to tell you congratulations."

"Oh….Thanks. That's very kind of you." Olivia gleamed as she shielded the baby protectively.

"Well I've gotta run. Tell David I said I'll see him at the office. Maybe we can all have dinner together sometime."

Olivia nodded before being kissed kindly on the cheek. "I'll see you later tiger," Abbie smiled down at her swell, and gave it a soft touch before turning around and walking out the door.

"Was that Abbie Carmichael?" Fin asked coming behind her.

"It was." Olivia answered still holding the baby in her hand.

"I want to go where she's been. Did you see that tan?" Carisi leaned into to his desk to talk to Amanda.

"I know I asked her about it. She said she got it at some spa thing in Switzerland. Who gets a tan like that in Switzerland at this time of year?"

"Are you alright Liv?" Fin's voice came in like the distant echo of an indoor pool. She had completely paled out.

"I'm fine," she whispered, and retreated to her office.


	15. Still Mine

_Then_

 _March 2016_

She got home ten minutes to 6.

Unannounced and early.

She stayed at the precinct for as long as she could but by 5 she couldn't take the unsettling feeling in her stomach anymore. So she called out early and drove home. She threw her keys on the mudroom bench and hung up her coat before ascending upstairs to her room.

He was in the shower.

 _Great_.

The most manipulative part of him would be exposed making it that much harder to confront him.

"Liv?" He called out, hearing her walk in. She unclipped her badge and gun and walked into the bathroom. His body was covered by the fog, but she could still make out his face.

She swallowed and went to him, struggling with the unnerving feeling of clamminess in her gut. The penetrating feeling of pins and needles hammering at the back of her skull.

He turned around under the water and saw her standing behind him.

He smiled. "You're a little over dressed, no?" He stepped up to her and kissed her square on the lips, uncaring that he was wetting her in the process. He was always so damn spontaneous, so wild when it came to loving, she thought with sadness.

Out of habit she opened her mouth and let him in, regretting the notion entirely as her skin started to heat up.

His kiss wasn't any less intoxicating, she realized with some defeat. She thought she'd be stronger going in to confront him, but the most she'd been was just a woman still madly in love with her husband, and that twisted the knife even more.

She pushed him away and pretended to do something busy at the sink. She needed distance from him if she was going to think straight. She cleared her throat, hoping she wouldn't give herself away. That he wouldn't catch the quiver in her voice, or the soft sniffle as her emotions started to implode in her face.

"Abbie came by to see me today," she announced.

"Who?" He called out from underneath the water, and when she didn't answer he leaned out of their walk in shower to talk to her.

"Abbie Carmichael."

He smiled. "No way. What what was she doing there?"

"She was working a case in homicide, and she remembered that I worked at SVU…"

"That was nice of her."

"It was…" she waited for him to say something. "She congratulated me on the baby before inviting herself to dinner. Do you two know each other or something?"

"Abbie's my partner at the firm. You didn't know that?" He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Her throat constricted. She couldn't swallow and she felt herself starting to go numb.

"First I'm hearing of it." Her tone dropped.

"Are you jealous?"

She arched her brow. "Should I be?"

"Well I won't discourage you. It's kind of hot, I'm not going to lie." He caught her arm as she started to walk back into their closet, pulled her into the shower with him, and backed her up against the tile while puling at her belt.

She blinked. Was he serious?

He leaned in to kiss her but she rejected him. "Why didn't you tell me about her?"

He frowned, holding her. "I'm sure that I did. Abbie and I are very good friends. We've known each other since college. She's like family."

Olivia stared at him. "You've never mentioned her. And if she was so close, why didn't you invite her to the wedding?"

"Wow. You are really turning me on now." She couldn't say she was amused. He turned off the water finally understanding that she wasn't planning on dropping it anytime soon. "Honestly? I don't mean to catch my ass here, but do you have any idea what it's like being with you? What it's like to love you and be with you? There's no room for anyone else in my life Olivia. When I'm with you you're my first and only priority. You and our baby. That's all. I don't care. I don't think about anyone else."

"What about when you're not with me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. It takes more than a license, for a gun. And I'm always with you. You know that. I invited her to the wedding, she just couldn't come. " He walked passed her and grabbed a towel to wrap up in. Olivia was burning in silence. "Come on where is this going?" He asked from the closet.

She followed him. "Where is it going?" Her head hung low. "I don't see or hear from you in a month, and you come back looking like you just spent a week in Cancun, and your partner, a very attractive woman that I had no idea existed in your life, is just as tan as you are. You didn't call me. You didn't see how I was doing. You didn't even call to see how your son was doing. You just expect me to roll over and not put two and two together."

He crumbled in front of her. First a look of confusion, then shock, and then horror. "Liv…" He started. "How could you think that?"

How could she think what? That her husband's partner was near identical to how she looked twenty years before? That he had a type? That he probably lied about the business trip and probably spent the month buried balls deep in that skinny bitch's pussy somewhere on a beach?

It was pretty easy to believe when you started to factor in how long he'd been gone. How many weeks they spent apart. The time to make love so little and far in between. Not to mention how much she'd changed in the past couple of months. She never said it out loud because she loved every way her body stretched and swelled to carry their child, but she worried all the time that he didn't find her as appetizing as he did before.

And all these thoughts plagued her. Had been plaguing her since Abbie left her standing stupidly in the middle of her own precinct.

She felt a heat burn within her as she thought about him kissing her. Coming inside her. How he must've held her. How many lies he told. How long it had been going on.

When she didn't say anything he stepped into her darkly and repeated, "How could you think that? I would never, ever do anything that would risk you not being in my life. We're starting our family. Do you really think that I would throw all that away just to get off?"

"Kind of looks like you tried it," she said matter of factly.

He ripped her into his arms, and held her chin up at him. "I didn't try anything," he gritted out, but she continued to doubt him. "My team and I were just really stressed out. I had everyone working overtime so I could get back to you. We were pulling 18, 19, 20 hour days, Liv. Sundays I treated everyone with a spa package, as a courtesy to the hotel we were staying at. The place was very accommodating, like I said we were working crazy hours, they were delivering us food at 3am in the morning. We completely took over their restaurant the second week we were there. I wanted to put money in the hotel, and just do something nice for my team. And obviously being Switzerland they have top of the line massages there. So I signed us up. This time of year they infuse their oils with tanning solution. A lot of celebrities and prominent people go to the alps for vacation, and some like to look like they spent a week in Cancun instead sub zero degree mountain weather. That's all it was. We kept going, every Sunday. That's why I'm tan."

Was that what she was supposed to believe? It sounded believable, but she was still hurt over the whole thing.

She pulled her jaw away and tried to get out from under him.

"Come on Liv, you're scaring me. Kiss me. Tell me you understand that I could never do that to us. You're all I've ever wanted, or did you forget how this baby was made?" He pressed up on Dominic.

No.

She hadn't forgotten. She remembered everything. Including the way he whispered, "Only you," every time he thrusted inside her.

"That was before I looked like a walrus."

"Enough of that." He squeezed her jaw tight enough to show control, tender enough to show love. "I love your body. Potrei guardarti tutto il giorno. Like you said it's been a month. I'll admit I was sloppy this morning, but go on. Dare me to show you just how much I want you."

"I should've known about her." She shoved him hard in the chest, and he let her go. "You should've told me, because if you had, I wouldn't be standing here like this in front of you."

Worn out, emotionally exhausted and scared out of her mind that the purity of her marriage was destroyed. All the years they've been together, he never once gave her a reason to doubt or not trust him until now. People talk about the sanctity of trust all the time. That it's a vital part in any relationship in order for it to thrive. And to be honest, she always thought that was bullshit. She used to believe that it was all about showing up and being present. That love was based on whether or not a person wanted to be with you. But as she quickly found out with David, it was so much more than that.

Wanting wears off. Loving is about commitment. Choosing the other person day in and day out. No matter what. Excepting the faults, excepting the flaws takes real commitment and dedication. And in order to do all of that, you have to have trust. You have to know beyond a shadow of doubt that the other person is going to be honest with you. Is going to communicate with you. Is going to choose you. You have to trust that.

It was a struggle. She climbed that mountain with him everyday. And everyday she would climb a little higher, trust him with a little bit more of herself, because she was so in love with him, and he had always been so pronounced about how in love with her he was.

So this thing with Abbie- even if it was nothing, it really hit her hard and deep. She felt as if he'd tripped her going up that mountain, and that hurt most of all.

"Fair." He said, towering above her.

She stared up at him, and started to pull her wet clothes off. "So what else haven't you told me?" Because she knew from experience, there was always something else.

"I don't know Liv. Lots of things. You know all the important stuff, everything that matters. Why isn't that enough? I'm honest with you. I always tell you the truth. What more do you want?" Not to be blindsided in front of her entire squad. Not to get hysteria because she thought he'd been cheating on her. That would be a nice start. "There are things about your life that I don't know." He pointed out.

"You know about the people I work with."

"What about the people you used to work with?" Olivia flared. "What about your partner? Everybody talks about him except you. Everyone tells me how much you two loved each other. How you two were soul mates." He looked at her, and for the first time she realized he was just as affected by this argument as she was. His eyes were red with hurt. Anger. Confusion and frustration. "That's not a tan. That's a fifth degree burn. Knowing that you've shared with him what you'll never share with me? It makes me sick."

Check mate.

"But we don't talk about that, do we?" He went on. "That's a part of your life that I'm not allowed in. You just expect me, you demand me to trust you, to trust that you love me and only me. Right now. In this moment. I have to believe that some part of you is happy, and that you're not still waiting for him." He shrugged. "Maybe it's wrong of me to compare the two. Because Abbie in my life is not the same as he was in yours. I don't share anything with that woman. I only share with you because you're my wife. Before you, I held it all in. That's the difference. She's my best friend. Not my soul mate. Not my lover."

The nausea in that moment was so strong, as she descended down onto his level that she braced herself to chuck right there on the floor.

She really didn't want to dig deep into that part of her life right now.

"Look I don't want to fight. Just promise me you'll let this go. The stress isn't good for you." He handed her a glass of water. "Do you want me to run you a bath?"

"No," she pursed her lips. "I just want to know if there's someone else-

"There isn't any one else," he spoke over her, starting to get upset.

"If there's someone else," she repeated. "That you'll just be honest with me. Talk to me. Call me when you leave for five weeks. Be gentle with me. Love me the way I want to believe you do." He clenched his jaw, shrugged his big shoulders, and turned his face away so she couldn't see the tears in them. A part of him still so hurt that she thought he was capable of something like that.

"I believe you but I don't want to feel the way I did today ever again," she choked. "It's supposed to be you and me doing this thing." When he didn't turn back to face her, she wrapped her arms around him. "Kiss me. Tell me you understand."

He did. "I understand, _Cara_. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

"I love you," she kissed him back. "And I choose you. In this moment. And every moment after. I choose you. Do you hear me? I choose you. I'm yours and you're mine." Another kiss. "I trust you. Don't make me regret it." She stared him down delivering that last line.

He held her in his arms. "I love you too, more than you could ever possibly imagine. More than you'll ever know."

"Dare you to show me how much," she pecked against his lips.

Faster than she could blink he had her bra off and his fingers against her now aching clit. She gasped feeling her pussy open at his touch, still so slick from everything they did that morning. "I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing you how much."

She closed her eyes feeling the oxygen flow back into her lungs, and let the euphoria of loving him take over once more, until she was spent for the night.

After that day, Abbie Carmichael became a distant blip in her marriage, and she quickly learned that David was more interested in his family than anything else. He'd kept his word about stepping back from work, and became a modern day house husband if you could believe it. He still had meetings but almost all of them were on call. He was always home, always there when she walked through the door, which she had to admit, she loved.

He was ever present and abundantly open with her. They were both so focused on bringing the baby into the world, and with him always being there they got their intimacy back.

She picked up her cell phone, as she started to pack up at work.

"Lieutenant Benson, I've been trying to reach you all day," his voice sounded.

"Is that so, councilor?" She smirked.

"Look out your window."

She turned around, pushed the blinds behind her desk, and saw him standing in the back alley with the car. He looked like a GQ model, designer glasses, denim jeans, the tight fit shirt. And that facial hair she was starting to obsess over.

"I like what I see," she said matter of factly.

"The best is yet to come." Her heart pounded like a teenager. "Amanda's getting ready to walk into your office with an outfit for you. Get dressed. I'll be waiting." The line went dead and like he announced, Amanda's knock came at her door.

"Another vacation?"

Olivia eyed the dress. "I hope not."

She couldn't take any more time off until her maternity leave, she hesitated. But the dress was so beautiful…It had a floral print with rich, rustic earthy tones, that she could tell well before she put it on, would bring out her eyes.

She took it in her hands, and changed in the locker room before going to meet him.

"Lieutenant," he greeted her with a mischievous grin, before opening the door and helping her inside.

"Where are we going?" She asked him once they settled in the back seat.

"Wait and see," he placed his hand against Dominic and gave her a big kiss. David's driver had them on the road for hours. It was around six pm that she had closed her eyes against his shoulder, and 8:30 when they opened again.

She woke being beautifully kissed by her husband which she had to say was every bit as delicious as one could imagine.

"We're here," he said softly against her lips. He opened the car door and jumped out before helping her out the car too. They were out deep in the woods at a sprawling lake chalet. Black stainless steel and iron accented a deep wood color of architectural magnificence. They were only standing outside but the stunning design of open spaces and large floor to ceiling windows took her breath away.

The trunk opened and he pulled out their bags. "Before you start to worry," he said. "It's just for the weekend. I'll have you back by Sunday morning." He smiled kissing her again and taking her hand.

"I don't understand, what's all this for?" She asked.

He shrugged. "You dared me."

She arched her brow.

He unlocked the door and they walked in.

"Surprise!"

She jumped in shock seeing, Alex, Casey, Mike, Marisol, Ed, and an unknown woman waiting for them.

"Oh my god! What are you guys all doing here?" She exclaimed.

"We came to spend time with you silly!" Casey giggled harmoniously kissing her cheek.

"Did everyone settle in and find everything ok?" David asked, shaking hands with Mike and Ed.

"Place is absolutely beautiful," Mike boasted offering him a glass of wine.

"Olivia this is my friend Jeri Hogarth," Alex said. Olivia smiled brightly and shook her hand.

"It's nice to meet you Jeri."

"Same here," she said flatly, but kindly enough. She was a dark, infectious woman, with stone piercing blue eyes and short, chopped, jet black hair. She had porcelain, sharp features, soft voice. And everything about her contradicted itself. Olivia sensed a great deal of conflict in the woman but didn't press too hard about it. If Alex kept her in company and brought her up here, she must've been a well enough character.

When all the initial hype settled down, David pulled her away from the girls.

"Tour?" He kissed her forehead. She nodded. He was radiating with excitement and lust, which she was all too familiar with. And once again like she had been since meeting him, she was overwhelmed by the wealth he had as he walked her through the halls. This place must've cost a fortune, and he had casually mentioned to Mike and Ed that it was the first home he purchased when he made his big break.

Her cheeks burned as he showed her one room after the other. Lake front and forest views. Cutting edge appliances. Lights and wooden furnishes. Plasma flat screen TVs, billiard tables, and of course the garage. Sports cars, motorcycles, ATVs.

And lastly of course, was the master suite. The bed was huge, larger than the one at home. And it faced an entire wall of window paned glass over looking the lake. They had a fireplace, a chase, fur blankets, a whole ass living room deep in the corner side, and behind an escape wall was a private office…so much space.

He came up behind and wrapped her in his arms. "That's the summer lake my dad used to take me to," he whispered in her ear.

"Fancy…" She said blankly feeling his kiss at her neck.

"What's wrong?" He asked. "You don't want to be here?"

"You just have so much. It startles me sometimes."

" _We_ have so much." He corrected her, coming to stand to her front. "Don't fret, it's just a house. If it makes you uncomfortable then I'll sell it. I just want you to relax. This weekend it's just us. Let's just enjoy it. Have fun. I know I've been gone awhile and after all the mess with Abbie, I just want to be with you and make us right in your heart again. That's all. We're just here to do whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?" She teased, kissing his bristled chin.

"Just say the word, _Cara_."

She whispered in his ear what she _really_ wanted, and David always eager to please, made sure they never returned to their guests that night.

Hell, he wasn't even sure he wanted them to return to their guests the next morning.

She was reluctant to let up as she rode him with vigor. Their hands locked together tightly. Both sporting a sheen of sweat.

"Not yet, Liv," he begged, thrusting inside her in long, hard, deep strokes. Her beautiful body, bare and practically glowing with the oncoming sun light. Her dark hair, messy and splayed all over her face.

Olivia gritted her teeth and tried to hold on but every moment was so perfectly wonderful. "I can't," she gasped rocking harder, faster, rubbing her clit on his abs.

"Liv," David begged.

"How much- She forced her body to slow. "Longer?"

"I'm so close, I swear."

So was she. She couldn't take it anymore. Her orgasm had built to such intense levels at that point that she was beginning to get nauseous. She picked up the pace again, uncaring, completely ignoring his desperation for more until she came hard, leaping off his cock in the process. She shivered and started to shake feeling her orgasm gush between them, her hips still rocking in the open air.

 _"_ Oh God," she panted. Her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She was a shaking sweaty mess, and David still wasn't finished with her yet.

She winced feeling him enter her again.

The stretch of his cock feeling raw and foreign. He pumped inside her hard and furiously a couple of times until he finished, blasting a thick load inside her.

He caught her in his arms the moment he released. She was spent.

"We were kind of rough," he said, cradling her. "Are you going to be ok today?"

Her cervix was definitely bruised. She knew that much.

"I'll be fine after…some tea," she whispered succumbing to exhaustion.

She felt him stroking her back. "What do you want to do today?"

She never answered. Just curled up closer into his chest and fell asleep. When she opened her eyes again it was 9:30, and David was leaning over her with the tea she asked for.

"Good morning," he smiled, kissing her softly on the lips.

"Mmm. You need a hair cut." His beard was starting to hurt her mouth she realized.

"Ready for me to shave it?"

"No. You just need a trim." He propped her up against the pillows.

"I'll schedule an appointment on our way back."

"I can do it," she said after taking a sip of her tea.

"Liv." He said her name with comical doubt laced in his throat.

"What? I can do it. I know how. I learned in the academy."

"I don't want to look like an army brat with a porn-stache and a bad attitude."

She giggled at him. "Ok."

She got up and put on her robe before leading him into the bathroom.

It was a new place, but David was a creature of habit. When she opened up the cabinet the trimmer, the shaving cream and the clippers would all be in the same spot.

David brought in one of the couch chairs and set it up against the bath tub before sitting down. "Don't get it too clean, Mrs. Haden. I like it when things are a little dirty." He smirked.

"You can't think without your dick for two seconds can you?" She shook her head even though she was smiling at him. Her nose scrunched up in its most kissable way.

"Well when I'm married to the most beautiful woman in the world, kind of hard not to."

She leaned over him and turned the nozzle on enjoying how vulnerable he was in that moment. The way he looked at her made her feel so ridiculous for ever thinking Abbie was someone she needed to worry about.

She kissed him softly on the lips, whispering I love yous all over his cheeks.

She ran her fingers through his hair, getting it all wet and relished the now flat look.

"So?" He asked coarsely. "What do you want to do today?"

"Well, we have guests, and I'm sure they travelled a long way to get here. So I don't think we should go anywhere. It's a beautiful day, we should barbecue and start a camp fire by the lake."

David got quiet as she leaned over him squirting the shampoo, and before she knew it the knot at her waist was untied and her robe was open.

She purposely sprayed him with water. "Don't," she warned.

"What?" He grinned mischievously.

She dug her nails into his scalp, scrubbing his hair and then he did it again. She felt a searching hand on her stomach and then his kiss, warm and sweet on her skin following Dominick's kicks, but she knew better to believe he wasn't going to try something.

And right when she let her guard down he boldly buried his entire head into her chest, and pulled one of her nipples into his mouth. She gasped. The physical feeling of pleasure so unexpected and needed that she didn't stop him right away. Cool ringlets of water dripped all over her skin to balance out the the warmth of his mouth sucking on her hard.

She shoved him in the chest and he fell backwards. "I'm not playing with you," she arched her brow, smiling at him hotly.

"Who's got time for games? We have guests." He said still grinning from ear to ear.

He let her get a little further this time. She was able to to rinse his hair out again and started scrubbing in the conditioner, but that was it. He had the other nipple in his mouth now and she didn't have the power to stop him. She wanted him to touch her, and he did. His hand crept between her thighs, teasing her with a touch lighter than a feather, and then on purpose he touched everywhere but her pussy. She squeezed her legs tightly over his hand, forcing him to stop.

"I hate you," she gasped, but he only kissed and sucked harder forcing her legs back open again.

"I think," he kissed, "you…missed…a spot." He put pressure on her clit and massaged a line down to her hole, dipping his fingers in.

Her hands went tight in his hair, gripping, tugging, pulling his waves in her grasp.

"Yeah, right here," he pulled her lips into his own and fucked her with his hand until she was moaning down his throat. The taste of that little whimper she would give drove him insane. He felt her really starting to ride his hand and he could tell she was going to cum again. He gently slid his fingers out before she could and smeared their cum all over her lips and tongue and kissing her again.

"I love the taste of you."

"Put them back in," she all but begged, touching herself to soothe the new ache.

"It's already 10. We don't want to be rude," He sat up with a towel, smirking devilishly.

"You're really going to leave me like this!" She rose her voice.

"Leave you? Never," he smacked her ass on the way up. "Trim?" He held up the scissors. She rolled her eyes at him and snatched them out of his hand. "I love it when your feisty." He grinned.

They emerged showered and sun-screened an hour later. Thrilled that everyone had slept in.

David ran into Ed who was sitting with Marisol on the back deck. "I'm going to get the coffee rolling. Want to go with me and pick up some meat for the grill."

"Yeah," Ed agreed, sitting up.

Olivia walked to Alex's room. She was three doors down when she saw Jeri emerge from the adjoining room holding keys and a black belt to her chest. Olivia had startled her and the belt fell on the floor, revealing in fact that it had been a strap. She quickly bent down to pick it up and flashed her icy blue eyes with a thin but an endearing smile.

"Good morning," she whispered.

"I guess it is," Olivia blurted out with an impressed smirk.

Olivia knocked on Alex's door and looked back at Jeri who was on her way out to the car. The door opened in front of her and Alex stood in an oversized Oxford shirt as if she'd been with a man instead of a woman.

"Fuck me with that big strap, Jeri?" Olivia echoed.

Alex went a ghastly pale white. "You heard us?!" She exclaimed, lunging Olivia forward and into the bedroom and shutting the door behind her. "I didn't say it was big!" Alex slouched on the edge of the bed, an unmistakable red glisten under her lashes.

"Sweetie, with that haircut, I know it was." Alex rolled her eyes.

Olivia sat down next to her, ready to talk about what just happened.

"The pregnancy looks so good on you. You make a very sexy mom, you know that?"

She was deflecting. Olivia wasn't going to let her.

"Not as sexy as a lesbian ADA. Why didn't you tell me?"

Alex glared at her. "You're really gonna sit here and tell me you didn't know?"

"That's not the point. Of course I knew. In the beginning I thought one day you'd tell me, and when you didn't I thought you might've been confused. So I just gave you some space."

"I wanted to tell you, I just…" Alex shrugged.

"You don't have to explain yourself. I get it. Believe me I do. As long as your happy. I'm happy. I'm with you one thousand percent Alex. Always. No matter what. You never have to close up with me, you know that."

Alex leaned in and kissed her belly. "You are the luckiest baby in the world, you know that? Your mom is a rockstar."

"I get all my moves from you," Olivia squeezed her hand.

Alex sniffled. "I can't believe this. I'm 42, and I'm crying over something so trivial."

"It's not trivial. You're coming out. You're learning that it's ok to be who you are. To maybe want something that's different from what you thought you should have. And that's ok, Alex. It's ok to want different. I'm going to support you no matter what. Love is love. In this world you've got to take it where you can get it. "

"…Last night we got into a fight about how I introduced her to everyone…She wants to go public and I just don't know if I'm ready yet."

"You control the pace. Don't let anyone pressure you into different. She'll understand." Olivia kissed her cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too," Alex sniffled.

David's voice sounded on the intercom. "Coffee's hot, come get it while the gettin's good!"

"Oh god, you're so rich!" Alex exclaimed and the women laughed through their tears. "He's such a show off. All this to make up for what happened with Carmichael?" Alex chinned up at her.

Olivia shrugged and wiped her eyes. "He said he wasn't having an affair…."

"Do you believe him?"

"I do."

"He's still a bastard for letting you think it."

"No. It was me. I should've trusted him. He loves me so much and I was just so quick to assume the worst because everything has been so wonderful. He's been so wonderful. The worst is just what I'm used to. I keep thinking my terror is just around the corner. You know me and happy endings…" she smiled sadly. "But since him there's been nothing but joy, and unbelievable sex. In the near two years I've been with him I've felt more loved and secure than I've ever felt in my entire life, from anyone. He's everything to me and I don't want to loose that. I don't want to loose him in any capacity, small or large. I don't think I could survive it."

"Yes you could. You're stronger than you think."

"For this baby, you might be right. But even that is something I share with him. He's something we made together."

"You love this don't you?"

"I do. And it's mine, finally. I can enjoy it this time," she smiled.

Her pregnancy, like her marriage, had been everything she'd ever dreamed. And bringing a baby into the world represented a lot of things for her that she thought she'd never get to see.

A fresh start.

A second chance.

Happiness.

Family.

She talked a lot about just wanting things to be normal, but really that was just surface talk. Truthfully, having a baby, doing it the right way, with the right guy was healing. It was the one thing in her life that she wasn't going toe to toe with. The one thing in her life that was completely hers. He wasn't even born yet, and she loved him so much. Each day she felt her heart stretch open just a bit more to get ready and love him with everything she had in her.

She was proud of every milestone, every flutter and kick.

To be filled with life after so many years of darkness and death, misery, depression, the constant feeling of uncertainty. Of not knowing when or if she was ever going to be good enough for anyone, was the single most fulfilling experience of her life.

She didn't want it to end.

"I hope we have ten more," she mumbled. "And if we don't, this one is all I need."

"Look at you. You're such a mom."

"I just love him so much," Olivia hugged her swell. Something she did quite often, out of habit. "He's so strong!" She wept proudly. "When he kicks it knocks the wind out of me, and I think, that's good. You have to be strong in this world. And I think about David and our love for each other, and I feel good because we're going to raise him in a world and an environment so he doesn't have to be. But he's strong. And then the other day, David and I were at the doctors for an ultra sound, and he got the hiccups. They were so cute and sweet, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my throat. He felt like popcorn. And everything he does is so magical. So special. I just can't wait to hold and squeeze him tight in my arms. My arms get sore thinking about it. I can't wait to hear him laugh, and see him smile, and be there for him the way my mother never was for me. And there's so much fulfillment in the pregnancy, which really shocked me. I did everything wrong, or everything wrong happened to me, and with the baby there's so much grace and hope that I'm going to get it right this time."

"You will Liv. I know it," Alex told her.


	16. The Fight

_Then_

 _April 2016_

The weekend ended too soon. Before she knew it, it was Monday and another full week lay ahead short of her desire. It was getting harder and harder to get through the day with Dominic getting so big and heavy. These days he was rolling and squirming. Stretching his legs deep into her ribs which was just as uncomfortable as one could imagine. It was so hard for her to take a deep breath anymore. Not to mention the occasional punch and kick he'd throw in for good measure. She caught one with her hand as she rode the elevator up to the precinct.

To her surprise she got there early for once. Even without David's help she had been slowing down so showing up early was a big deal. "Oh good, you're here." Amanda said coming out of the lounge with coffee. "Judge Donnelly called she said she wanted to meet tonight at 6."

She really wasn't in the mood. She wanted to get back home to David. She left him less than an hour ago and she already missed him inside her. They hit it pretty hard last night so she wasn't able to exhaust herself the way she wanted. Her body gave out around the third or fourth orgasm well before she was ready to stop. She was desperate to finish what they so expertly started.

"I'll call her," she frowned staring at her phone, already deciding that she would try and negotiate an early meet time. "Did anything happen last night?"

"A girl came in around midnight. She was at a corporate event filled with every major stock broker in the state. You know Crick & Fischer?"

"I do."

"Well apparently Fischer was using alcohol as bait last night."

She rolled her eyes. "That's original. Bring me a copy of her statement, and let's get over there."

"It's quarter after 7, you think he'll be at his office?" Amanda quipped.

"You know what they say, 'Wall Street, money never sleeps'."

The sun had yet to peak but like she predicted, the firm was open and they had to ascend to the highest floor to interrogate Fischer.

Of course he denied everything. Even going so far as to warn, "The next time you come here to waste my time, make an appointment."

"Can you believe that guy?" Amanda asked her as she retold the story to the boys.

"We'll get to the bottom of it." She mumbled, picking through one of Carisi's donuts. She took a Boston cream and retreated to her office to try and call Elizabeth again.

No answer.

"Liv?" Fin knocked. "Dodds is on his way here to see you."

"Great," she mumbled.

"What? No shriek of excitement?" She glared at him sarcastically. "He's probably stopping by to talk about the work you and Barba are doing. Looks like it's taking a toll on you. Are you doing ok?"

"I'm glowing Fin. You're supposed to say I'm glowing." She rolled her napkin in her hand and threw it out underneath her desk.

"And lie to you? How many more weeks until the due date?"

"10 to term."

"He could come early."

"That's what we're hoping. He's so big, I think he will," Olivia smiled warmly, as she caressed the baby feeling him move.

She was diagnosed with gestational diabetes not too long ago. Dr. Robbins confirmed that their son was an unsettling three and a half pounds. Which meant that she'd be closer to nine or 10 at birth. She had to admit she was a little disappointed, she'd hoped to deliver him naturally, but both Robbins and David doubted that was going to happen.

"Well David's huge, that's not really a surprise."

She glanced at the photo of them on her desk. "He is. I'm excited for the cheeks. He's so chunky for 7 months."

"Yeah, from you and all that damn banana pudding."

"Hey listen, it's not my fault. He asked for it."

Her front door opened unannounced and Chief Dodds came in with a man she'd never met before.

She tore her hand away from Dominic and stood up from her desk.

"Chief." She addressed him.

"I hope this isn't a bad time Lieutenant, I want to introduce you to Ted Randall."

She held out her hand professionally and they shook politely. He was a young kid, but sterile in the eyes. Kind of an average build. Dark curly hair. Tanned complexion. He was tall, probably 6 foot. And though he was young, there was an air about him that was oddly adult.

"Lieutenant, I've heard lots of things." He had a vivid voice for such a young kid. Army like. Soft American. Polite on the tongue, politically far right in the under tones. He reminded her of a younger Ed. "Congratulations on your baby."

"Thank you. This is my second in command, Seargant Tutuola." She said turning to introduce Fin.

"Benson I want you to show Randall the ropes. He's been training in SVU for months."

She arched her brow and took a second look at the kid. "Is that so?"

Ted stepped up. His face expressionless. "I spent 8 weeks at the academy. They have a class dedicated to you. I know all about your survivor sympathy role-play."

If he meant to insult her….

She laughed softly underneath her breath but she wasn't amused. He didn't know her well enough to know that she was fuming but Dodds and Fin caught on.

"Randall, Tutuola go wait outside and shoot a brick. I'd like a moment alone with the Lieutenant."

She waited until they were alone to address him. "Survivor sympathy role-play?" She echoed with a dead glance. "What ever this is, please tell me you're joking."

"I've talked it over with our superiors and we think Randall would be a perfect addition to SVU following your leave."

An electrical current rippled through her. So that's what this was about?

"Following my leave?" Olivia repeated. The shock and humor so strong on her face in that moment she could tell he was getting insulted.

She had expected Dodds was going to say something about all the time she'd been taking off, knew he'd come knocking at her door telling her to get her shit together, but she hadn't expected him to present her with Randall. She thought at least a slap on the wrist. Maybe even coming into work and finding Declan Murphy sitting in her office, but not this.

"Chief when I take my leave Sergeant Tutuola is taking my place. Not a junior cadet with text book experience."

"Randall 's aced all of his exams. He's good for fresh blood and he's just as committed as you are."

"I'm sure he looks great on paper Chief, but if sympathy role play is the kind of attitude he plans on brining to the table then you've brought him to the wrong place."

"I'm sorry you feel that way Benson, but it's already been set in motion. Didn't you get the memo?" She paced the room, turning her back on him. Unable to look him in the eye. "He's scheduled to take over in two weeks when you leave on maternity.

"I'm not leaving in two weeks," she challenged him.

"You are if you know what's good for you." And when she didn't back down his face twisted up in confusion and frustration as if to argue why they were even having this conversation. "Think of your baby."

If he thought she was pissed off before. "Oh." She said huskily. "I am. And I don't want that thing anywhere near my precinct."

"Careful Lieutenant. I'm still your Chief."

"And I'm still in charge of this of this unit-

"Only until I say so." She stretched her hands out in front of her over her desk, and let her fingers reach for the neck she wanted to grab. "Look, I'm not your enemy," he went on. "This isn't a blow. I'm trying to help you."

"All I'm asking, is for you to let me handle the replacement." She said softly, her hands coming together in prayer.

Dodds looked at her smugly. "You have one week. And if you don't have one in 7 days, Randall stays." He said with some finality before walking out of her office. She closed the door behind him and slumped into the couch before dropping her head in between her hands.

Just when she thought the day was going so well…

She drew her hair back and sniffled. Hating that her eyes were now stinging. Burning a fiery red, and threatening to spill hot tears. She wasn't upset. More angry than upset but this pregnancy had her all over the place. She was thankful at least that the rest of the day had been stale to get through and five thirty came sooner rather than later. Her last bill of business had been calling Don and begging him to step in while she was gone. He of course agreed, even promising to show up a few weeks early in case her water broke earlier than expected.

The security plus the peace of driving home in quiet seemed to burn the edge off, but still and all the same she walked through the door that night stressed out about it.

"Hey, baby." David pulled her into his arms with a kiss.

"Hi." All the anxiety she'd been feeling before that moment rolled off of her heart and into his, and he felt it.

"What's wrong?" He frowned pulling back to look at her.

"You'll never guess what happened today." She said, heading to the cabinet to pull a glass for water. He waited for her to explain. "Dodds came to see me and threatened to take my job."

He went from a confused look of concern to an out right animalistic growl. "What?" He grit out.

"He came in today with a kid fresh out of the academy who thinks I do survivor sympathy role-play."

She still couldn't get over that.

Empathy. Compassion. Knowing how to listen without passing judgement. Those are basic, fundamental skills that every person should have regardless of the situation, but especially at SVU. Survivors struggle so hard with coming forward that she made it her life's work to make them feel supported and believed, as is their right. Because the simple fact is, the average person won't support or believe in them, and most of the ones that do, don't know how to properly respond to that kind of trauma. And she would be damned if she let anyone who wasn't fully equipped to walk into her precinct and try and take over without her being there.

"How did this happen? I thought you had everything lined up with Fin?"

"I did, but they want someone else now. It's fine, Don will do it but I just can't believe he thought I would push over for that kid." Her hands grabbed the air by her waist as she breathed. The thought so emotionally insulting that she wanted to throw something. "And then he had the nerve to bring the baby into it." She sat down at the dinner table.

He made spaghetti for dinner that night, her favorite. And she had been looking forward to it all day.

David frowned. "What did he say?" He asked bringing their plates over. She twisted her fork into the pasta and rolled the noodles around before taking a bite.

"That I had to be out in two weeks if I gave a damn- pass me the salt please."

He gave it to her.

"You are going to stop soon though right?" He swallowed. "Start maternity leave when you're supposed to? Few more weeks and it's the waiting game. Maybe two weeks is early but think of it backwards. That's eight weeks out from due date." Even now, she was only seven months and she looked like she was going to pop.

She stared at him. Her cheeks starting to sting. Hoping they weren't about to fight about this. She knew he wanted her to stay at home. That deep down inside he wanted her to retire. But because he loved her, he never asked her too. He never flat out pressured her to make a decision, but as her due date got closer and closer, he started talking about her taking time off more and more. He spoke in circles usually so she never discouraged him but now she regretted not being firmer with him.

"No," she said bluntly. "I can't."

And it was the truth.

She'd taken so much time off already, between the wedding, and the vacations she took during their baby moon. She was starting to get looks from her peers and superiors on top of mentally beating herself up. And now with this Randall thing and Dodds...

"My maternity leave isn't starting until after the baby is born."

"What are you saying?" David pushed the basil back into the middle of the table. "You're not taking off?"

"I can't take any more time off, and still do maternity leave like we planned."

2 to 3 Months. Away. Alone. Isolated. Just the three of them.

"So you're going to work until your water breaks?" He said turning to look at her. He was visibly confused and upset.

She didn't say, but in so many words, yes.

He figured that out on his own.

"Why?"

"David-

"Why won't you take advantage of the time they're supposed to be giving you," he said leaning back in his seat. Giving her his full attention now.

"I have been. More than I've ever done in my career, but David baby, you can't keep shuffling me off to private vacations and expect it not to add up. Last weekend was me pushing it. I can't do it anymore. Especially not with someone like Randall coming up in the rear view mirror and Dodds watching me now like a hawk."

"You can't or you don't want to?" Eye contact. "You're a 40 year old cop who's seven months pregnant. You don't see the danger in that sentence? You're high risk as it is. No one's forcing you to stay. What if your water breaks and you're on the field, or you're in the middle of interrogating some dead beat? Or God forbid, you get hurt-"

She dropped her fork onto her plate. "What are you implying? That I'm choosing my job over this baby's safety?"

He scoffed and got up from the table taking his barely eaten food with him and migrated back to the kitchen. "No. You came up with that on your own."

She blinked at him before closing the distance between them. "Ok, I'm only going to say this once, so let me be very clear." She switched gears on him so fast she could see him churning uncomfortably. "I care very deeply about our child and his safety. And I would never do anything to put him harms way-

"You don't have any control over that." He grit out, making a point to walk into her to empty his plate.

But she wasn't letting him go.

"I do. I can't take off but I can go on desk duty, and that's my plan. It's always been my plan. So no field. No interrogations. Fin's been taking over, I have it under control. But until then I _have_ to be there so don't do that to me. Ever. Don't make me feel like I'm choosing my job over our family."

"Why? Is it really that hard to make a decision?"

"No. It's just insulting to me that you think I can't balance the two."

"Liv-

He started to retreat.

"Don't." She begged her voice dropping an octave as she started to choke. The evidence burning in her eyes. "I'm going to bed."

She left the room before she began to sob. Hard. Her body shaking in huge tremors. It was so bad that she got the hiccups and had to take a shower to calm down. She knew she was sensitive because of her hormones, but that match with David really put the nail in the coffin.

She felt so betrayed that she couldn't even think straight. She expected it from Dodds but not from him. Not from her David.

The water changed flow as he walked into the shower behind her. She shivered feeling him close in. For the first time, hating that they were so in tune with one another. She didn't want to look at him. Face him. Talk to him.

He really hurt her.

So when the damp cotton of his shirt hit her shoulder she stepped further into the water to get away from him.

"Liv?" He tried again. "I'm sorry…I should never have gone there with you. I just...I mean the point that I was trying to make is that I want you to be safe." He rubbed her shoulder.

"I am," she wept. "Fin and Amanda are watching me like a hawk." Hiccup. "I'm being careful." Hiccup. "I'm always going to put him first."

"I know. I know you are." He wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her ear. "It was wrong and unfair of me to go there with you." He shrugged into her shoulder blades. "I know nothing will happen to you. I believe that. I just love you so damn much, and now with this baby…I have so much to lose and that scares me because you're not just a cop. You're you. You put your whole heart into everything because you care so much…I just don't want to see you get hurt is all. I couldn't bare it. I know nothing will happen. I trust you with everything but it doesn't numb the thought any better. You've made me a father and a husband, Liv. I'm always going to worry. It comes with the territory."

She turned around to look at him.

"I don't care. You don't do that. Ever."

He kissed her full on the lips. And this time she felt her cheeks burning from ringlets of his own. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." She nodded against his kiss, and the two of them stood there until lust got the better of them.

Her mouth twisted with his, while she pulled the sweater out from his jeans. She felt the warmth of his skin with her hands as they went on, and together they pulled the sweater off of him. Then undid his belt, and took off his jeans until he was as naked as she was.

He turned her around again and pushed her up against the wall, her legs spreading instinctively. He waited until her hands were secure against the tile before pushing between her folds urgently. The first thrust slow. Hard. Deep. He did it again making her whimper somewhere between pleasure and pain, making her breasts swing below as the water poured down on her face. And then again until she fully adjusted, until her breathing started to pattern into short heated gasps.

Later in bed, while she watched him get dressed she expected him to join her. Hold her so they could sleep together. But he didn't. He kissed her softly instead and walked out of their room.

"You're not going to stay?" She asked when he started pull away.

"I have some emails I have to send before morning. I'll be back in a bit."

She waited for the click of the door to cry some more. Privately. Silently. Whatever they'd done in the shower to make up to one another now bitterly cheapened and labeled as a stint to numb the pain.

After about 30 minutes she wised up and reminded herself that every marriage has its arguments. The kind that really chew you up inside. Leaving work was going to be the one that she had with David.

Around 10, she sniffled and turned out the light, supposing that was a good argument to have. They could've disagreed on so many other things. Work was so small and trivial that she was confident that he'd get over it. She just had to compensate in someway, she told herself. He'd come around.

When she got ready to leave the next morning she made sure she kissed the hell out of him before she left for work. Even throwing in his favorite three little words, while she hugged him as much as her bump would allow. "I love you," she whispered. "Più della vita."

"Will you call me when you're on your way?" He pleaded.

"I promise," she kissed him again, but his demeanor hadn't changed and he sent her off with little resolved. To make up she came home early. Surprised him by getting there at 4 instead of 6.

She opened the door and nearly tripped on the set of boxes in front of her.

"Baby?" She called out, struggling to close the door behind her, for tied to it were big, blue balloons congratulating her on a baby boy.

 _What the hell?_ She mumbled internally.

She got the door closed and carefully walked through the sea of boxes. Diapers. Toys. Clothes.

She rolled her eyes assuming her husband had bought the entire department store, and carefully walked through. On the table in her sitting room under a bouquet of sunflowers was a note.

 _Olivia and David Congratulations on the baby. I love you both. Abbie._

David emerged as she finished reading the card. "Do you like your things?" He picked up a pile of boxes and started to head back upstairs. She arched her brow her face burrowing in confusion. He looked as if he were in the process of making trips up and down the stairs, carrying boxes to and from the nursery. Was there more than what she saw in front of her?

"I'm a little overwhelmed to be honest. I thought this was all from you."

Wait until the baby gets here. My partners overseas are excited for us too." He kissed her and lead her upstairs. "I invited her over to dinner to say thank you."

"When were you thinking?" She asked finally getting the moment to peel off her coat.

"Tonight actually. 9 a clock."

Before she could even respond yes or no he announced that he cooked eggplant and Branzino, and just needed to get a bottle of wine.

He cooked fish, which she wasn't eating because of the pregnancy which meant that if she declined the bulk of the meal would go to waste. So she didn't have a choice but to go with it. And honestly she didn't mind, she just wished he would've talked about it with her.

Maybe he wanted to but was still frustrated about last night. Or worse, didn't feel that he had to because she had so coldly cut him out of the decision of whether or not she should work up until her due date. Either way her stomach started to knot up about it, but it wasn't quite enough to make her sick. No that part didn't come until later when Abbie finally did arrive.

The door rang 10 minutes to 9, and before she had even had the chance to set eyes on her, she was hit with a pinch of jealousy that she had changed David's demeanor so quickly. She heard them laughing below, somehow getting caught up in a conversation before she even took off her coat or bothered to come upstairs to the kitchen and dining room.

Not to be left out, Olivia made her way downstairs, and like before at the precinct, Abbie had greeted her with more than open arms.

"Olivia, hi! It's so good to see you!"

"Hi, Abbie," Olivia smiled warmly as they embraced. "Thank you so much for coming on such short notice. We really appreciate all of the beautiful things you sent for Dominic, it was very generous."

Abbie scoffed. "Oh please, it's the least I could do."

Seeing her in a more intimate setting, Abbie reminded her a lot of Casey. Both of them were bonafide cool girls. Bro type. Into beer, hot wings and sports games. Much sooner seen playing flag football or a friendly match of baseball before being caught at a nail appointment. The kind of girl that liked to give blow jobs, and wouldn't eat dinner unless it was in front of the TV. Not that there was anything wrong with that, one of her best friends was the epitome of cool girl, it was just that David was so different from that kind of world it genuinely threw her off to see them so close.

And were they ever.

Over dinner they did nothing but whisper and giggle the entire time. Barely looking over or even attempting to include her into the conversation. She realized quickly that the two had a lot of history together, and even more stories than she could count. She lost track after they started talking about a bull rider in Mexico and some sort of hotel that only served tequila.

"I still dream about the empanadas there," David grinned.

"And the guy on the conga!" They said in unison, laughing forehead to forehead.

"You were on fire that night," Abbie shot her hands in the air. "Remember that dance? That dance you did with the roses you stole from little Carmelita?" She started singing in Spanish off key.

"It wasn't a dance, you were all over my toes. I couldn't walk the rest of the trip."

"It was a dance." Abbie argued.

"Sounds like some hotel," Olivia chimed in.

Both looked over at her, for maybe the first time that night. They were borderline drunk. Each had flushed cheeks. "Yeah well, he's gotta take you." Abbie looked over at him as if he were her douchebag little brother. "Take your wife to Mexico, David."

"I will," he said flatly, looking up at her.

She stared right back at him too.

And thought wow. This man of mine. Love of my life. Man of my dreams. My soul mate. May truly, truly, have a lover...

She broke eye contact not wanting to cry in front of anyone, and instead reached for her glass of grape juice. Which she poured for aesthetic. A last, desperate attempt to feel included.

And she was, she told herself. She was the most important woman in her husband's life, and she was probably being hormonal. Possessive. They had this conversation already once before, and she believed him. Trusted him. It was all really, a matter of being rational. And the ration was, that they were fighting, and if they hadn't been, she would've worried so much less about Abbie.

That was the truth.

It didn't pay to be ridiculous. Later when Abbie left, they'd make love, and she'd forget all about the dinner. And all about her husband's _partner_.

"That was nice," she spoke up as she cleaned up the kitchen. Staring at him from across the room. He was lying on the couch, watching TV, barely hanging on by a thread from all the drinking.

"We'll do it again soon," he said after a long pause, before rising from the couch as she neared.

"Where are you going?" She whispered, drawing her arms around him from behind.

"To take a shower. Rinse off."

"Can't that wait?" she asked nipping at his ear. "Stay with us."

"I have an international call early tomorrow morning. I need to be alert." He kissed her cheek.

She sank into the couch, morbidly alone and hurt until the baby started to move inside her. "I know baby. I've still got you." She smiled watching the foot push out underneath her shirt.

She expected that they would hold each other, but he had gotten up, taken a shower and left her. Again. Never in all the years that they'd been together had he done that. Even after they fucked last night in the shower, he had taken care to wash her hair. Gingerly help her get dressed. Surrounding Abbie, he was a different person, and she wasn't sure what to make of that.

In the days that followed her marriage adopted all the emotional turmoil of the Great Depression but things did get better? Normal? Neutral? Whatever was or wasn't going on with David and Abbie was pushed to the back of her head with all the distraction from work. And even more pressing was how important she felt it was to get back on track with him. David was distant with her, and no matter how loving she tried to be she wasn't able to break the ice between them until she broke the rules.

She promised that she wouldn't leave the precinct unless she was investigating a crime scene or to comfort a survivor. But that particular day she left to visit the courthouse.

"Are you heading out?" Amanda quipped when she carefully put on her jacket.

"No, I'm going to meet Donnelly in chambers. Call me if something comes up." She announced.

It was just her luck that during the drive over to the court house it started to rain.

Hard.

Huge, blinding, unforgiving, downpour that seemed to return down her windshield every time her car wiped it away. The road was slippery and dangerous and more than once she'd seen the car next to her slide into the opposite lane. All of it forewarning the incident to come.

David would kill her if he knew she was driving in this weather. She watched the road, nervously expecting him to call any minute to tell her that he was on his way to pick her up.

How would he react to her not being there? She didn't know. But it all but ensured they'd fight again.

20 minutes later, still in traffic, she regretted agreeing to meet at all but they had been putting off getting together for so long, and Elizabeth kept insisting that they meet in person…

The honking of a car behind her sent her foot further down on the gas, and she carefully drove through traffic. She arrived almost an hour later than she expected, and telephoned Amanda that she wouldn't return after meeting with Donnelly.

Walking into chambers, she had to say, she enjoyed visiting the place. She never thought she'd miss it but she did.

"Olivia, come in." Donnelly smiled, opening the door. They embraced. "You look…" she paused taking in the now huge swell of her stomach.

"Pregnant?" She offered.

"I was going to say wonderful. It suits you." Elizabeth closed the door behind her. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me."

"Of course." Though they had their differences, she had a great fill of respect for Donnelly. Through the years they remained strong colleagues and often would call each other just to see how the other was doing. Not leisurely but enough to keep the relationship. And their bond grew even stronger over her ordeal with Lewis. Elizabeth fought very hard to get her case over ruled. Of course it didn't matter much when Lewis escaped, but the sincerity was there.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"No I'd better not. The bathroom is on the other side of this place and I don't want to have an accident in your office." She joked humorously, but she was quite serious.

"It's that time already?" Elizabeth asked, pouring a glass of vodka.

"Just about." Olivia smiled sitting down in the nearest chair.

"Do you have cold feet?"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

She was madly in love with her baby and couldn't wait to meet him, but parenting scared the hell out of her for lots of reasons. She was afraid of being too much like her mother, afraid of raising a child like her father. Afraid of the world she was bringing her son into. Afraid that they'd be at odds with one another. That he wouldn't love her as much as she loved him. Afraid of how she'd react if he misbehaved. David said because she was so terrified and cared so much, she'd end up being the perfect mother. In his eyes she always would be, but she couldn't deny her past. Or her blood...

"David must be thrilled."

"Are you kidding? He's obsessed."

Elizabeth sat down across from her and threw back a sip. "He should be. Babies need a lot of love and care and attention. Their whole lives depend on that nourishment. If you screw that up, you'll end up with the latter. People think parenting is so hard and it is. But in the end it's all about how well you loved them." She patted her knee.

"I hope it's that simple." Olivia smiled back softly.

"It is. It will be." She tilted at her. "Now if Stabler were still in the picture that'd be another story."

Olivia exhaled. Her body going warm at the candid mention of the man she used to love. It had been close to four years since she'd last seen or heard from him, and the thought of him and their life together still broke her in a place she thought was healed. She ran her hand over the baby needing the comfort of him more than ever.

"I won't pretend I know anything exclusive about what went on between the two of you, but I watched you give so much to him for so many years. I thought for sure you two would've ended up together, and that you'd be walking around with four more Stabler kids."

"We all did," Olivia heard herself say.

"Funny how life works isn't it."

Olivia smiled politely to pace the conversation. "So listen, about why I called you here. I'm sure you've heard from Barba."

Olivia let out the breath she'd been holding. "We haven't spoken since he left."

"The business with Jack McCoy?" Olivia nodded. "No one's contacted you then?" Elizabeth chided.

She shrugged with her face, trying to understand what this was about. Donnelly took another sip. "Well I just wanted to-

She stopped to cough into her elbow. "I'm sorry."

"Are you alright?" Olivia asked, staring at her with concern as the older woman began to hack.

"I'm fine," she heaved. "It just went down the wrong pipe." She tried clearing her throat. "The business we had with Elliot-

She coughed again. And this time it was worse. Olivia quickly stood up and took the alcohol away from her, before coming around to pour her a glass of water.

"Here." She knelt beside her offering a fresh glass.

Elizabeth took it. "Thank you," She tried to laugh it off but Olivia saw her teeth red with blood. She reached for her phone to call an ambulance but Elizabeth barely got a sip down before she started to choke. The coughing resumed. The glass fell from her hand and shattered on the floor. All of it happening so fast. Her eyes widened as Donnelly gripped her shoulder. A gush of clotted and fluid blood spewing from her mouth, onto her jacket.

"Liz!" She shouted, holding onto her. Her heart rate plummeting a mile a minute. More blood came up.

Oh god.

Oh god.

She wiped what she could from Elizabeth's mouth before turning around and shouting, "Somebody call a bus!"

An assistant came bursting through the doors not a moment later, and saw them struggling together.

Elizabeth was gasping for air, clawing at her throat, but her eyes were raging red, and staring at the vodka on the table in front of her. Olivia caught on, and made a mental note to bag it later. "It's alright. I see it. Stay with me," she pleaded.

The EMT made it just in time, but Olivia refused to leave her side. She called Fin to start an open investigation and by the time they made it to the hospital it was closer to 8 at night and David was out of his mind with worry trying to get in touch with her. Meanwhile the baby hadn't had a moment's rest since the incident. He was kicking so hard. So strong. In his way, asking if everything was ok. Begging to be comforted. But she wouldn't dare touch him. Instead, she bit her lips to keep from sobbing. She couldn't. She couldn't give into the fear that was plaguing her.

So she just sat. And waited.

She didn't even flinch when she heard the footsteps running towards her.

"Liv!"

Her arm went lunging forward from being jerked in an opposite direction, and then her whole body was crushed against his.

His arms.

His chest.

His hands.

His kiss.

The moment coming like a crash cart. His two hands locked securely around her cheeks, putting the life back into her.

"What happened?" David panicked. He saw the blood on her neck and shoulder and started to panic. "Are you ok? The baby?"

"It's not- it's not my blood," she croaked. Her voice barely a whisper. "He's fine. We're ok." She gasped as David rushed her into the nearest wall. His mouth colliding with hers as he gripped her lips passionately. She whimpered in discomfort beneath him as he squished Dominic between them.

"I'm sorry," he heaved coming off her. "I was so worried," he croaked. "I thought I lost you. That maybe something had happened." She felt his hand shake as he stroked their baby.

"No. We're ok," she reiterated as her hand joined his.

"Have you seen someone? Are you sure? You're not in any danger?"

She shook her head coldly. "No it didn't get me." She closed her eyes as David pulled her closer by the hair to kiss her forehead. "CSU ran the tests on me. My labs came back clean."

Unlike hers, Donnelly's hadn't. She was in a medically induced coma. They had found a substance in the lining of her gut and the detectives on the case believed she was poisoned. And though she had given her statement, she just kept seeing the blood and feeling the horrible way Elizabeth clutched onto her shoulder literally clinging to life.

She buried her face in David's chest as the grief overwhelmed her.

The whole time she stood crying so hard that her whole body was shaking.

"Baby, what happened?" He rubbed her.

"I don't know. I don't know what happened. She just-"

"Ok," He kissed her again. "Alright."

That time when he held her he made no attempt to let her go. And she didn't feel the need to leave him until she peeled him off her the next morning.


	17. Better

_Then_

 _May 2016_

Olivia alternated between kissing and stroking David's face while he slept in the night. Between the two of them, they had a long day and she couldn't shake the feeling of fear that was still so thick in her chest. What happened to Donnelly haunted her. And to think she'd been so careless with she and Dominic's life. It was a guilt so unimaginable that it consumed her.

Elizabeth offered her a drink.

She had brushed it off before, but the truth was that she had been parched when she walked into the office. And before, in the rain. The roads were so dangerous. The downpour coming down in huge swelling splashes that seemed to flood her view. And all the while in the back of her head was the tough love argument she had with David just days before about staying on the job until her due date.

The irony of it was like heavy metal sitting on her lungs.

She looked back at him. His face usually so hard, and masculine now softened and vulnerable. One hand cradling her in his arms, The other secured around the baby.

His face was so expressionless and open. Understanding even. Had been the moment the nurse in the ER that night confirmed that she and the baby were in perfect health despite exposure to the poison. He drove her home. They made love. In the morning he greeted her with flowers, tea and breakfast. Never once did he bring up the fact that he warned her. Never once did he say out loud, "I told you so," but it had been there in his eyes, unspoken between them.

Her hand drew away, and fell from his face.

How could she have been so stupid? She sniffled while he slept.

"I'll never do it again, I swear," she whispered softly into the night, kissing him gently again.

"Liv?"

Her heart skipped a beat feeling his eyes flutter against her cheek.

She held onto him tighter feeling the kiss deepen. His heavy, strong arms weakly coming to hold her. "Stai bene? Perché stai piangendo?"

"It's nothing I-

He had heard the tears in her throat and his eyes shot open, before his hands drew her protectively in his arms.

"Elizabeth?" He said, more than asked. Rubbing her eyes gently in his way.

She nodded in his embrace.

"What happened isn't your fault. I'm glad you were there. She'll be alright," he tried reassuring her.

"No. It's- it's not that." She said in broken words. Her bottom lip now shivering as she tried to explain. "It was raining so hard- the roads…and I was so thirsty and I- I keep thinking what if that had been me? What if something happened to me? What if I were in a coma- and Dominic?" Her spine went rigid again, and a bone crippling chill paralyzed her.

"Liv, Liv, slow down." He squeezed her head in-between his hands forcing her to look at him. Even in the darkness the man was like a guiding light. She could barely make out his face in the moon lit room, but his eyes were shining brightly and firm into hers. "Come here," he pulled her closer, planting a kiss on her head. "Slow down. You're alright. Everything's fine, _Cara._ I know it was shocking but you're ok. You're home now. I'm here. We're all here."

He stroked her swell for emphasis. "Just take a deep breath. Slow down. It's ok."

She was struggling though. Really struggling. On the onset of a panic attack. But his touch felt nice, and his kiss felt good, and she wanted more. She wanted to be so wrapped up in him that she forgot everything else.

She took his hand and brought it lower between her thighs.

"I need to feel you!" She gasped, thanking the universe that he caught on quickly.

Her breath hitched as he began to stroke her clit. He brushed his lips against hers asking for permission and when she finally kissed him, the night vanished to be buried with the long list of other concerns that used to consume her.

When her eyes opened again it was just after 9 and David was still sleeping. She smirked, feeling a sense of accomplishment. For once she had been the one to exhaust him into a coma. Even with the sun bearing down on his marble face, he was out cold. His sweet lips soft beneath the black bristles of his shadow were as kissable as his eye lids. She wanted to stay and cuddle close to him but Dominic had other plans. Floating in the backspace of her mind was a breakfast delight of peanut butter, bananas, fudge and coffee ice cream…also a cuban sandwich with extra onions and sautéed garlic…and a pineapple jarrito.

"Hey, cool it with the breakfast menu," she whispered. "The peanut butter thing I can do, but that other stuff. You're on your own pal." Queue the pee break. She groaned inwardly before gingerly pulling back the sheets and getting up to use the bathroom.

As amazing as her night had been, her heart was still heavy for Elizabeth, and all that transpired came rushing back like a calling collector.

She didn't know where to begin. Where to even start. She had no jurisdiction over the case other than being a witness. And while Mike Logan swore to keep her posted, homicide was flooded daily with gun violence crimes, and Elizabeth wasn't even dead.

She scoffed half humorously at the idea of the case going anywhere beyond witness protection for her friend.

The toilet flushed behind her as she got up and she moved towards the sink to wash her hands. The water came out but it took her a minute to actually use it.

She got a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her very large, stretching from edge to edge mirror. She rubbed her thumb against the marble countertop in her bathroom. Caught sight of her wedding ring glistening in the sunlight. And stared long and hard at her stomach.

Getting worked up over so little when you have so much is getting tired, no? She silently asked herself. The baby was going to be 32 weeks tomorrow. 32 weeks and she'd spent most of her pregnancy if not all waiting for an axe to drop. She'd suspected the worst of David, put unspeakable doubt in herself and for what? It was exhausting. She was tired of it. What happened with Elizabeth was eye opening in so many ways. For better and for worse.

The latter she experienced last night but now with the storm cleared she wanted so desperately to fall into easy. To just be happy without any reservations. The way she had been at the start of her engagement.

She'd been living with one foot out the door, but no more. She had a life. A damn good one. Went through hell to get it but it was finally here, and hers. It was time to accept that and close the door on her past maybe forever. With Dominic coming and David, all of it was a new chapter in her life. She wanted to be present for it all. And just enjoy it. It was about time she told herself.

Enough drama. She was done thinking about what ifs when she should've been thinking about her husband's glorious, long dangling, too thick to fit in her mouth dick. Which she had to say, was right on time this morning. She felt it poking from his boxer shorts at her back.

"You're still here?" He teased pulling her into his arms. "I would've thought you were half way to Missouri by now. Gone. Running while you still can."

"And leave you?" She asked turning to face him. "Never."

She drew her arms around him and kissed him good morning.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked, breaking away hesitantly.

She nodded in the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of him.

"I feel perfect, thank you baby."

"Speaking of, still thinking French toast with a glass of almond milk?"

Her breakfast order six days in a row.

"No I want peanut butter, and a cuban sandwich, with coffee ice cream and walnuts and onions- onions on the sandwich not the ice cream."

"Wow."

"I left out the fudge. I can't make the sandwich but I can do the ice cream thing. Will you do it please?"

 _"_ Kiss me first and I'll think about it."

She grabbed him my by the boxer shorts. "I'll do you one better," she smirked.

And just like that, she ended up being an hour late to work.

She held the phone to her ear as she made the bed in her room. She was on call with the precinct but she was trying to rush out of the house as fast as she could without leaving a mess.

"Toxicology reports confirm Elizabeth was poisoned with a substance called the white dahlia. Name got coined after unlucky consumers experienced organ deterioration from the inside out. It's increasingly popular on the black market but it's hard to get a hold of. Drug dealers hate it, looks just like coke, so they try and keep it off the streets, and the sellers won't do business unless it's with a higher up." Carisi explained.

"Ok so we're looking at a relatively wealthy individual with a grudge. Not too surprising for a judge, right?" Amanda followed.

"Let's reach out to our friends see if we can find any information on recent buyers." Olivia ordered, leaning over her mattress to fluff the pillows and wincing when she felt sharpness in her back.

"Are you alright?" David whispered next to her. She nodded throwing a hand in her lower back.

"He's right on my spine, see if you can try and move him." She begged.

She closed her eyes again feeling David's thumb digging in her back. It hurt so bad she didn't want to move but Fin's voice was heavy in her ear.

"Already did, but it's a dead end." Fin went on. "No one's made any purchases in the last six months."

"Then someone's lying. There's got to be a way to get some answers. Someone knows something. Visit again. And this time take Rollins and Carisi with you." Olivia spoke into the phone, slowly leaning back up into an upright position.

"What about the precinct?" Amanda asked in confusion.

"I'm on my way now. Tell Fin not to leave until I get there. Did you find any prints on the glass?"

"Nothing. Just Donnelly's." Carisi answered.

"Then that means the whole case is riding on this buyer. You guys really have to stay on top of this one."

"So is that official?" Amanda quipped. "We're taking this on at SVU."

"It's keeping a watchful eye on things so Logan's not overwhelmed with whatever Lenny's got him tied up in. If we get a case I want you to switch gears immediately, but please keep tabs alright? And do it right. Fin knows what that means."

"Copy that Lieu."

Olivia hung up the phone, just as the baby started to move.

"Any better, _Cara?"_

"I think you made it worse." She grimaced squeezing her husband's shoulder.

"Have you heard anything about Elizabeth's incident."

She took his free hand and squeezed it, hoping to lead him to the car so she could be driven to work. "She hasn't experienced any change in the last week. Her vitals are stable but her liver is destroyed. She needs a transplant. The surgical staff is still waiting for a donor, and every day that goes by her kidneys are getting worse. Neuro reported that she didn't have any brain damage but since she has yet to wake up there's really no telling if the poison spread to her nervous system."

He planted a kiss on her forehead. "Everything's going to be fine. She'll come out of it. You'll get some answers."

But another week went by and nothing came up, and like Olivia predicted both SVU and Homicide moved on from Elizabeth's case. Up until that day she spared a detective whenever she could but they were dealing with a real shit show with this new perp.

Emilio Rodriguez. He was recently widowed. Word on the street was that he beat his wife to death but he of course had left little to discover other than speculation. Within hours of her burial though, he made sure to let everyone know he had moved on with seventeen year old Amma from the upper west side. They found her dead in a similar manner as the wife. now they were huddled together putting together his M.O.

"Upper west, that's your neck of the woods right Lieu?" Carisi said chewing into his donut while he stared at the screen.

"Not quite. I'm a little further up, but it's close."

"So this guy, he beats his wife to death, then a few days later rapes and murders a seventeen year old kid and jumps off the radar?"

"Not much of an M.O." Amanda mumbled.

"Well hang on, we've got the position of the bodies. The strangulation from behind-" Olivia explained.

"Yeah but why Amma? His wife I get, but Amma? She was just a kid. Where's the correlation in beating up your forty year old wife and then raping a 17 year old."

"Maybe Amma wasn't the only one. Maybe the wife found out about it, and tried to confront him." Olivia stated the obvious, but she held back, trying her best to explain without losing her patience. "My guess? He got pissed off when his wife found out and reacted, but he liked doing it. He liked killing her. He's escalating. Amma was just the first stop on his list."

She watched Amanda consider that just as Fin put a hand on her shoulder. "I got you some water." Olivia looked up from her glasses at him and stared at the styrofoam cup.

"Thank you," she said reaching for it.

She took a sip. "So, let's get to his home, ask around. See if we can find a weak link before he hurts someone again. Friends neighbors, local shop merchants. And then I want you to put a detail on the vicinity in case he shows back up. I want to know where he is."

They were getting ready to part when David walked in.

"Going out again?" Amanda quipped.

"I better not be." She got up from her chair and followed him into her office.

"I'm happy to see you but what are you doing here?" She asked closing the door behind them.

He kissed her. "Your appointment with Dr. Robbins remember? We're supposed to be there in 20 minutes."

Her chin dropped.

She completely forgot. Memory loss was normal at this stage in her pregnancy but now it was really starting to drive her up the wall. It was bad enough dealing with the heat flashes, peeing every ten minutes, the migraines. She was afraid to say it but it was really starting to get to her, but she didn't dare complain. Not when she was so lucky to be pregnant at all.

"Do you want me to call and reschedule?" He looked at her seeing she was in distress.

"No, no it's fine. I just forgot. I keep forgetting things." She stretched her hands out over her desk in frustration and quickly packed her bag.

She twisted her hair and clipped it leaving just a strand hanging by her face, and took his hand. A power nap and a bag of French fries later she was sitting in the office with Robbins.

"How's it been for you two?" Robbins asked setting the monitor up.

"We've got no complaints," Olivia smiled at her husband, and he in turn smiled back. Being at the appointment made her realize how close she actually she was to due date. This morning it was 33 weeks but now it was _33 weeks_. Just seven more if she went full term. And neither she nor Robbins believed she was going to make it all the way. They were in the short run now. Their days were numbered.

"That's good. Any change in sleep? Sex? Breathing?"

"She's perfect." David answered.

"Ignore him." Olivia rolled her eyes. "I actually did notice a change a few days ago in my chest."

"The colostrum?" Robbins frowned.

"No I mean…I guess it's my lungs. My chest it's not as tight. We were- I mean I was riding my bike at home and I just got this feeling like being on a rollercoaster. It went straight from my head to my stomach and then it just stopped."

"You were riding a _bike_?" Robbins tried not to laugh.

"I didn't know this happened? Why didn't you say anything?" David frowned.

"Because I was really enjoying my bike ride and we were really close to our destination. And it stopped, and then I forgot about it."

While they were quarreling Robbins got between her legs. "Well there's no need to fuss about it. I promise you it's normal. He just dropped."

"What does that mean? What about her chest?"

"That feeling of space means the baby's come off her organs. It's probably much easier to breathe now isn't it?"

Olivia nodded.

"But I bet it's a double edged sword. More pee breaks. More pressure. Bigger appetite. Your body's getting ready for labor. Take it in. You probably won't experience it again with your second pregnancy. Once the muscle figures out how to adjust it'll remember how to do it for next time and your probably won't even feel it."

"But isn't it a little too early for this to be happening? 33 weeks is early, no?" Olivia asked.

"Every woman is different. Sometimes it's a few hours before labor, sometimes it's a few weeks. You got the latter. He's still right on target. His weight is good, he's still growing. You should expect an increase with each week so that means you're going to be on premier massage duty." Robbins exclaimed at David.

"When do you think we can expect him?" Olivia asked.

"Well ultimately that'll be up to your little guy. He could go all 40 but if I had to guess, I think he'll be here at 38. The closer to 39 the better but I don't think you'll last that long."

"Four weeks?" David echoed. "Four more weeks?"

"Soon. I know. He's huge. He's healthy. With your GB, Olivia I think he'll be here a lot sooner than you think."

She was listening but she was watching Dominic suck his thumb on the monitor. She could see him in 4D. His orangey squished face coming through under the jello spectrum. She swallowed thickly feeling her throat and eyes swell.

Four weeks she thought.

Four weeks and I get to hold you.

The next seven days skated by. At home she and David packed her hospital bag and at work she had Fin glued to her hip. And while she didn't actually leave, she had to say she was grateful that she made desk duty part of her plan. Her ankles and feet were swollen almost all the time. Her back killed her, and being off her feet in her chair most of the day really helped. And they had Mia's birthday party coming which really sped things up.

At work, she went over which cases she needed to take with her before leaving to meet David and the girls at home. She walked in quarter to seven and set her things by the door. She smiled at Isabella's sparkly sneakers glowing up and Mia's tie dye back pack spilling into the foyer.

The girls must've been waiting up to see her because they came running downstairs in their pajamas to greet her. "Zia!" They both screamed jumping at her.

"WOAH! Hi guys." Olivia laughed trying her best to squeeze and kiss them in her arms. They were both crawling on top of her and she couldn't seem to fit them both.

"Come stai le mie bellezze?"

"Bene!" They both kissed her cheek. "Ci sei mancato." Isabella whispered close to her ear.

"I missed you too."

"Zia, are you going to read us a story tonight. Zio said you would." Isabella asked.

"Of course my sweet. Come on, let's go upstairs and pick one out. Did you have dinner?"

"Mhm."

"Zio made raviolis." Mia told her.

"He did? That sounds yummy."

"He said the baby's ready to come out. Can he come out on my birthday? Can he be my birthday present?"

Olivia laughed under her breath following the two of them upstairs. "He's not that ready- Hi baby." She kissed David as he came down to meet her.

"I'm so glad your home." He told her.

"Me too. I'm exhausted." She told him once the kid's ears were out of reach.

"Barba came by and dropped his case files off on the rapekit victims. Said he's leaving for Cuba and wont be back for a month."

"Did you look at them?" She asked at the sink as she washed her hands.

"I did. I spoke to Alex. We'll take care of it. He also wanted me to tell you the new guy is coming in next week."

She was too tired to deal with that. "Ok." She dried her hands and kissed him again. "Don't put that food away, I didn't eat."

After a quick shower, she met the girls in bed for their story. "Zia?" Isabella asked. "Do you think Dominic will like the Cinderella story or the one about Matilda- oh no I mean Madeline?" She sent a hand flying at her forehead smacking herself for being so silly before running from their bookshelf and climbing into bed with her and Mia.

"I think he loves all of these books Mimma. Maybe we should let Mia choose since it's her birthday tomorrow."

The soon to be nine year old scrunched up her nose. "Mmmmmm. Madeline."

Olivia opened the book and both girls curled close and before she knew it they were all three out like a light. Mia was deep in her shoulder and Isabella was wrapped around Dominic, with her head and arms, and she didn't have the heart to move either one of them. Not to mention how comfortable she was in their princess unicorn bed. Falling asleep was too easy!

She didn't wake until she felt David's hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her. "Liv?" He whispered. "Liv wakeup."

She opened her eyes and immediately closed them after being blinded by the sun. She reached for him with one hand and the girls with the other. They were gone.

"What time is it?"

"Ten after 9. We gotta get going so we can get to the Hamptons in time for the party."

"Where are the kids?" She asked sitting up.

"They're dressed, downstairs eating breakfast. Marisol is on their way to pick them up so we can get everything set up."

They were throwing Mia a huge beach party with all of David's family and they were expected to be there at 2. She showered again and got dressed and as soon as she was ready they were on the road.

"So what exit am I getting off?" Nick asked her on the phone while they were driving. He was bringing Zara, Jesse and Amanda after she got off work.

"70 toward NY 27. And then you're going to take a slight right toward Eastport Manor Road."

"Alright thanks. Everything else is good?"

"Everything's perfect. We can't wait to see you!" Mia was going to be so excited to see Zara. The two hadn't seen each other all season and there weren't really going to be that many kids around at the party.

"How's David? Tell him I said hi."

"Nick says hi, baby." Olivia looked over at him while he drove.

"Amaro!" David yelled so Nick could hear.

"You guys sound good. You talk to him yet?"

Olivia opened her mouth to argue but stopped. If she said the wrong thing David would grill it out of her and she didn't feel like talking about it and it wouldn't have been fair to on Mia's day. She'd kill him for bringing it up later. All she gave was a simple one word answer. "Nope."

"Liv…" Nick groaned on the other line.

"I'll see you when you get here." Click.

They pulled up to the house twenty minutes later. Lucy was there managing the party staff. The balloons, flowers and tents were already up. All they had to do was set up the gift room and put up all of Mia's portraits.

"It's 11:30. Want to make love before everyone gets here?" He asked pulling her into his arms while she fixed the flower arrangements.

"There's a million people coming in and out the house, forget it."

"Not by the pool, with the hedges and locks. You could be as loud as you want, and I know you want it." She turned around and looked at him and he was grinning mischievously from ear to ear. He gave her ass a smack and walked towards the bay windows. "Looks like a nice day for a swim, maybe a tan..." He announced loudly before walking out into the sunlight, but not before taking off his shirt so she could see every blessed inch of the man's body.

He was right.

She did want it.

She followed him only to be snatched out of view and huddled into the bushes where she was consumed by her husband's kiss on top of a beach chair. She couldn't breathe when she was with him sometimes. All of their passion went straight to her head and she couldn't function. Couldn't think. Couldn't do anything but feel. She panted feeling her coverup leave her body before quickly being pulled back in for another kiss.

"I've been thinking about this all day," he whispered hotly, pinching her nipple with his lips. Olivia gasped feeling David's mouth hot on her. Tugging at the swollen bud underneath her bathing suit while he dug three fingers inside her glistening pussy.

"Apparently not as much as you though."

"It's been three days," she panted. She couldn't seem to keep her eyes open after work anymore. And if they made love in the morning she'd fall asleep at her desk. They had to time it just right.

Like now.

She was going insane thinking about that fat, thick cock driving in and out of her walls. How he could get it so far in, so deep. Her legs were spread eagle just waiting, but he wouldn't give it to her. She scooted the slightest bit further down to meet him, desperate for more contact. Groaning in frustration when his fingers glided with her juices and hit the wrong spot. She was so wet.

Melting in the palm of his hand. Her lips, and clit so swollen and juicy from the pregnancy. "David, baby please. I'm ready." She begged him. Her breath hitched as she rocked softly into his grasp.

He sucked harder drawing out milk and pulled out his hand leaving a wet spot in her bathing suit. He massaged her clit through the latex and drew her lips into his. "Cum for me first." He gave her neck a peck, drawing in a mark.

She was going to die.

Her arms drew around him and she pulled him closer so his eyes were level with hers. Those big, beautiful, black brown eyes with the heavy lashes she would bite when he slept. Then she drew her eyes further down to his lips. The ones she knew so well and which knew her better. She imagined them nestled deep in her pussy. Licking, sucking, drawing out another all too consuming orgasm. His three a clock, bearded shadow tickling her clit while he did it, and she suddenly felt a familiar warmth flare within her.

It was almost crazy to think how well, how often he could get her off.

Her heart skipped a beat at the thought.

"Look at me," she begged.

He did.

She came all over her bathing suit, and David was more than happy to clean it up. Her cheeks burned feeling his mouth close over her clit. Sucking it through the fabric.

"Just like that baby," she panted.

Her whole body so hot she could barely breathe.

He licked underneath her upper lip, teasing his kiss, and pulling away when she tried to claim him. "Tell me what you want."

Her clit jumped at his fingers as he continued to work the throbbing heat between her folds.

"I want you to fuck me so hard I gush all over you!"

He didn't wait, effectively ripping her bikini bottoms off with his thumb before lining his cock up with her beautiful entrance. Getting her worked up with just the tip. Making sure to leave a trail of precum all over her before fucking her hard, and deep like she liked.

His huge cock stretched her so far open, so beautifully, so urgently that she started to cry. He was right on her g spot.

He pumped inside her torturously slow, until she couldn't take it anymore. Until he she practically forced him to go faster. Her long legs wrapped around him as she moaned for dear life.

"Oh god, baby don't stop. Don't stop," she wept. Biting her lip hard to keep quiet as her second orgasm came knocking the light out of her eyes. He felt so good. So desperately good she felt like she was going to burst. His cock driving and vibrating against the walls of her pussy. Stretching her hole wide open. Her stomach already coiling to release again because he fit so perfectly inside her.

"Who's pussy is this?"

"Yours!" She cried, panting, digging her nails into his forearms as another orgasm came. He was so big, pummeling inside her she couldn't contain the screams in her throat.

"Oh shit, I'm going to cum! I'm going to cum for you baby- fuck!" She whispered.

Her body erupted like never before while she went from a whisper to an all out scream. She gushed for him everywhere. All down his cock, all over their legs.

"Liv…" David held her, thrusting inside her again, biting his lip to hold it together as more came out. She shivered. Her clit now painfully throbbed. Her body convulsing in his arms.

"Oh god…" she whimpered.

He started jack hammering inside her because he could, destroying every corner of her pussy with brute passion. And for the next thirty minutes she forgot her damn name. He fucked her into screaming orgasms and then he fucked her into silence. Her body too overspent to process what he was doing to her. There was only the whispering plea coming from her throat saying, "Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop," while her pussy creamed on him.

He left her body and she bit her lip feeling David suck and lick the salt of her sweat on her breasts while she played with herself. He had his way with both of them until he was ready to capture what he really wanted.

Her lips twisted with his hungrily. Opening, closing, sucking the warmth of each other's tongues.

"I miss being close with you," he whispered above her, kissing her again for good measure. "I miss your lips when I'm inside you."

"A few more weeks," she turned over and got on her knees, groaning when she felt him enter her again. This time taking her from behind. And she practically relished that he didn't hold back. He fucked her urgently, hard. Rough. Pounding her ass in deep penetrating strokes until she felt her legs tremble as she orgasmed again.

"Oh god, David!"

One leg on top of her hip while the other held him in place, he sent a claw grabbing at her breasts as he started to really hammer inside her ass. Building pressure low in her stomach. Everything he was doing to her felt so good.

Olivia grabbed the poolside table feeling the chair begin to buckle beneath her. He was fucking her into the ground so that later she wouldn't be able to walk. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head while her knuckles went white while she tried to hold on.

"Here I come, Liv."

"Give it to me baby!"

"Oh god, here I come, here I come, Li-

He pulled out jerking himself and exploded all over her slit. Olivia gently came again feeling the head of his cock throb against her entrance. He drove inside her once more letting her body suck the rest of him out and finally pulled away panting, above her. They had barely caught each other's breath when Marisol called for David, shouting in Italian that the catering company had arrived.

They both grinned before kissing each other. She bit her lip feeling him fasten her bathing suit back into place, securing his wet deposit against her for the rest of the night.

"You feel good," she pecked at his bottom lip.

"Just doing my job Mrs. Haden." He grinned against her lips, pressing his fingers deep into her mushy folds again. "So you can take your mind off things for a while."

She closed her eyes again, embracing the feeling of him stained all over her, already doubting her thoughts would be elsewhere for the night.

Nick and her secret be damned.


	18. Raw

_Now_

She was always the most beautiful under the first light. Warm, radiant rays of morning covering her face. The silk curl of her hair gently adrift on her cheek.

He moved it out of the way careful not to wake her. Her eyes were heavy. Tired. But when they opened and looked at him they always made him feel so alive. So loved. He stroked her skin, waiting for them to open again. Her strong heart beat, jumping erratically at the apex of her neck. She had wrinkles, echoes of long nights, too many hours waiting for an always that would never come. And scars. Stitch woven patches of skin that shone like silk, shining above her breasts, and rare places along her ribs.

She was so strong. Stronger than she could ever dare to imagine, but he saw it in her in these moments. Moments in which she had no control. Moments when her guard was down.

She lived her life so emotionally detached as a way to beef her insecurities and her uncertainties. As if she was afraid he wouldn't love her, or anyone for that matter, wouldn't love her for who she really was.

But that simply wasn't true. At her darkest. At her weakest. At her most strange and unique hour he loved her just as much as the facade she spun for him. He loved her down to her core. Down to the very essence of her being. So much that he chanted it every morning in her ear.

"I love you." He whispered, kissing her cheek at the spot low beneath her lobe.

He grinned feeling her leg wrap around him under the sheets.

She turned her face to meet his lips, and then she opened her eyes. And just like so many times before he got lost in the brown fires of them. She kissed him softly with an equally exhausted smile. "I know. I know you do."

Did she? Did she still know that? That despite what he said. What he did. That he still loved her?

He doubted it.

He ripped his eyes away from her side of the bed, and walked into the master bath.

Against Alex's instruction he never went to Marisol's. He stayed with the driver, and a ghosted image of Olivia until morning, driving aimlessly around the city. The sun had come up about 30 minutes ago, and it was then that he calmly asked to be taken home.

The car dropped him off in front of the door, but he hadn't gone in. He couldn't. He stayed outside until the urge to pee forced him in. And even that had left a brutalizing stain of disgust and reluctance on his tongue.

When he opened the front door he found his house turned upside down in the throws of a crime scene. All of his things had been destroyed; model sail boats piled and trashed by the door, his computer unplugged, and paperwork all over the place, but her things of course, had been left neatly, untouched and in place.

The office he'd trashed earlier had been restored. The broken glass swept away, and upstairs there was a slew of yellow tape in the bedrooms. He made a mental note to sleep in one of the unused ones. He unfastened his wrists in front of the sink. For the first time getting a good look at himself sober.

He could feel the hair on his jaw.

That's how acute his senses were from not sleeping, not eating. Crying all night…The skin underneath his eyes was raw and tender. He had broken veins high in his cheekbones.

His body quite literally in exhaust.

He was so stressed out about everything he couldn't even think straight. There was no more anger, no more resentment, just pain. Pain born of loss. Loss born of rage. His heart felt like it had road burn, his eyes stung, his muscles were sore, and he still had that god awful rot in his gut.

The only relief he got was pressing his forehead against the chill of the marble countertop.

He ran his knuckles underneath the water and watched his blood swim down the drain. It stung.

He was numb to it before, but now with this new heightened acuteness he felt everything. Remembered everything. How her whole body jumped and shivered when he yelled at her.

She reacted almost like they were having sex. Like she was having an orgasm.

He pictured them on the beach. Their bodies crushed together in the front seat of their car. Her skin and hair wet from the rain. Her breasts jumping at him every time she sat on his cock. And then at long last her coming on him.

Shaking. Shivering. Her heart quickened by the sound of thunder outside their door. He imagined the taste and feel of her nipples crushed against his lips before deciding that was enough, and burying it deep in the back of his head with the long list of other moments they had, soon to be forgotten.

He wrapped his knuckles in bandages and popped temazepam to help him sleep. He needed to sleep. It had been damn near two days.

He closed his eyes feeling his ribs vibrate from his cellphone deep in his pocket.

Ed.

He stared at the screen until it stopped.

Ed. 2 missed calls, 2 voicemails.

Alex 6 missed calls. 8 Texts.

Abbie 3 missed calls.

Marisol. 3 Missed calls.

Nothing from Fin. Nothing from Amanda.

He chewed on the pills breaking them down with the grit of his teeth, decidedly no longer plagued to the bone with fear. Maybe because he knew know with a clear head that they weren't going to find her. And if they did, it will have been too late.

He turned from the mirror and double tapped the comm system to put on some music

The first chords struck a nerve in him better left unaddressed. But despite his best efforts, he was shoved back into time, back to that morning. In her arms. When they conceived Dominic.

"Cum inside me," she whispered, with a pleading kiss. An echo of her earlier request from the night before. They barely had a bed and she was insisting that they keep going. "We're already halfway there." She fused their lips together again.

Their bodies never left each other that night. He was still buried inside her.

"Haven't you had enough?"

"Never." She sucked into his neck, planting kisses where ever she could as he held her in his arms.

She was rare in that hour. As much as they fucked, made love, you would think that she would've emotionally been present with him, but the truth is that she rarely ever was. Sex to her was chemical. She never let her feelings get involved. She was able to completely separate what she felt and what she wanted in that regard. Full of passion. Full of the unexpected.

But that night she was different. That night she blurred the lines.

He unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall to the ground, returning once more to the sink.

The electric razor turned on and the light buzzing sound filled the room while he started to cut his hair, and finally shave the look off. It was a clean cut. One without a single slip.

Shocking really, considering he hadn't done it in years.

She took a liking to it when she first became pregnant with their son. And after, he kept it so things wouldn't change for her. He tried to offer stability. Love. Affection. Same as he always had. But eventually things changed between them. He changed. And that's why all of this was so god damned, fucking complicated.

He breathed through his nose and tried hard not to get too far into his head.

It was something stupid Alex had said last night.

"Don't get into your head."

In his head.

In his head he was still at home with Olivia. In his head he had slammed her skull into the island. In his head he kicked her in the face and a gush of blood flew from her nose. In his head she was crawling on the floor. In his head he picked her up by the hair, and dragged her up on her knees. In his head he strangled her up on her feet just to throw his fist into her gut. Again, and again, and again. In his head her ribs gave a satisfying crack under his fingers. In his head he pushed her across the room. In his head he kicked her knees out from under her and she fell on the wood of their floors. In his head he drew his forearm around her neck and squeezed..

Squeezed so hard her face turned purple.

So hard her neck crushed.

He closed his eyes at the memory, and inhaled deeply, unnerved that he could still taste her blood on his tongue. And not only that, but her spit too. Her snot. The angry tears as their marriage fell apart.

He licked his lips as if the salt of them was still there and was almost shocked when a raging hard on grew.

He clenched his jaw tight and ignored it. It would go away eventually.

And if it didn't…well he'd just have to use his imagination.

He'd done it before. More than he cared to. But what else was he supposed to do? His wife was a very attractive woman. Sensual. Sexual. Intellectually equal. A drug. Like the beginning it had been liberating. Intoxicating. Addictive. Never in a million years did he ever imagine such a woman would be able to infect him the way she did. He wasn't used to it. If he were being honest it scared him. She made him lose control. Everything was so spontaneous, and he was determined to give her all of him just as much as she was determined to give him all of her. Those first few months in the beginning. Sexually. Were the most explosive months of his life. Nothing was off limits. And she was so submissive. So compelling with all of it.

When they finally married and decided to settle down, getting pregnant was easy. He fucked her into next week. And she let him.

"Everything hurts." She told him one night. "But it's a good hurt. It's a hurt that I want more of."

Funny how love and suffering go two and two together. How it seemed to always be joined at the hip in his marriage. He'd yell at her, she'd slap him in the face, rough, demanding, fighting for dominance sex would ensue. He'd shove her into the wall. And she'd shove her knee into his waist. She'd get brutally attacked at work. He'd buy a warehouse. Everything was tit for tat.

In between the lies and I love yous he couldn't seem to get the image of her blood on the floor out of his head, or get over how satisfying the feeling of bones breaking beneath his fingertips felt.

Couldn't ignore how amazing it was using all of his brute strength to bring the hammer down that he had been holding that night, just to strike it clear across the cheekbone. Separating the jaw from the rest of the face. But that wasn't enough so he did it again. Struck the face again. Going and going until it collapsed under the metal. Bone, flesh, muscle and meat and brains exploding on the floor.

He wiped his jaw line and threw the towel with his shirt into the hamper.

Fuck imagination.

He slid left on his cell phone screen and dialed a private number.

Call girls were so easy to get these days. Like takeout. You tell the agency what you want and in twenty minutes they're at your door. Tall. Thin. Young. Great hair, better legs. Some bimbo name like Vivianca or Sasha curt on her lips. High class but cheap enough to be insulting to a dear wife's memory.

He flexed his muscles in the mirror feeling like a new man. Who ever showed up would be the first woman he had sex with other than Olivia in years.

Lucky girl.

Forty minutes later after a session in his state of the art gym the door rang and there before him stood his deliverance. She could've been a Victoria secret model. With the hair and the eyes. She had a sweet doe like face. Heavy eyebrows, gentle lips and a really, really great smile.

"Come in." He told her.

She was timid enough. He could tell English wasn't her first language. "What's your name?"

"It's Irina."

Her accent was maybe Portuguese or Spanish. He was curious to guess at first but quickly lost interest. He didn't really give a shit.

"Do you know why you're here?" He asked her, leaning up against the banister.

"You want to make love?" She took off her coat relaxed a bit, so she could reveal her semi casual outfit. Black sweater. No bra. And black leather pants. Tight in the ass. Tall in the waist. But when he didn't answer she folded her arms and retreated back into herself. "To fuck?"

She said it almost gentle like. As if she had a bad experience with the word.

"Yes." He held out a glass of water he poured earlier. "You're here to fuck."

She took the water but when her eyes looked up they caught the photo of he and Olivia, arms wrapped around each other on the table behind the couch. A silence filled the room and she softened again.

Beautiful women don't marry monsters. They don't smile like that and carry stones in their heart. Whatever sort of transaction this was, must've been a nice forty something year old guy who just got lonely. Would explain the mess.

He imagined all of that floating in her delicate head. Spooling around her skull like the wisps of her hair.

"Where do you like me?" She asked, looking at him once more.

He held out his hand, she took it, and he lead her upstairs. He initially wanted to do it in their bedroom but the closer they approached the more he felt himself retract from that idea.

The kitchen? That would've been shakespearean.

Her office? Even better.

He opened the French wooden doors and lead Irina inside.

"This room. It's very beautiful." She said.

It was. Had an older feel to it. Mahogany table. Leather chairs. The essence of a library. It wasn't really Olivia's style but it went with the whole cop thing. When she designed it he figured it was just another way for her to separate herself from the job, but for anything it was extremely tasteful.

"Thank you." He leaned up against her desk. He was still shirtless, with the better part of his body concealed, and she seemed to admire him.

She got close and leaned in to kiss him, but before she could he grabbed her by the jaw.

Not violently. He was quite soft about it, but stern enough to advert her. Somethings he could only give Olivia.

"I don't like to be kissed," he told her.

"Ok." She whispered.

Even said it with a smile. He imagined that request was more common than most. And probably cost extra for the service. Sex was a low trade. But intimacy? That's where all the real money was.

His senses heightened to think about the possibilities.

It was exhilarating honestly. Thinking about sharing with another woman what he used to only give to Olivia. He did intend to keep some things reserved for her memory but most of what he could give was on the table. Little Irina was like a full buffet course. He didn't know where to start. What he wanted to do first.

Truth be told she was only worth keeping if she knew how to give a good blow job.

"Get on your knees, please."

She obeyed. And like a professional kept eye contact with him the whole time. She unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock.

Her mouth was warm and soft, but he couldn't look at her. Couldn't actually gaze at her porcelain features. The high arches, and delicate slants of pristine femininity. As gorgeous as she was, she was nothing compared to Olivia, and he didn't want to shatter the illusion that she was actually there.

Of course that was inevitable though.

For the price she wasn't really that good. She did too much with her hands. Kept scraping her teeth on his girth, couldn't really get more than an inch or two down. Which was disappointing.

He did ask for someone who could handle a bigger size. Someone who could do deep throat.

But whatever.

Eventually she'd get him off. And he'd explode all down her throat.

He closed his eyes, and ran his fingers through her hair.

But even that was different. Olivia's was wild. Tangled. Sometimes brittle from too many blow outs. While this new girl's was like silk and satin. It was so neat and kept, that he could feel her scalp on the bridge of his thumb. He had to keep grabbing fist fulls, keep twisting and turning just to get it remotely tangled like hers.

Like Liv's.

Her name escaped his lips and he started to thrust into Irina's mouth. His fist went white knuckled against the desk behind him while the other pushed Irina's head further down on him.

 _Take it. Come on. Take it._

 _Choke._

He felt his whole body flare up thinking about all the ways he wanted to punish her. Dominate her. Tie her up. Use a whip, use a belt. Nipple clamps, vibrators, anal plugs, restraints. Fuck her, deny her. Use her. Exhaust her.

Hard sex.

Inescapable sex.

Because now that she was gone, he could freely admit that he did hate her. He did want her to burn for all the years he burned for her. Lusting. Wanting. Holding back. He wanted her in pain, for all the times she broke his heart. He wanted her strangled for all the times he gave up his voice so she could speak. He wanted to give her everything, and take everything away. He wanted to hurt her.

Again.

And again.

And again.

He started to force Irina's head down when his eyes finally opened and came face to face with two big dark brown eyes. Deep, shining bright orbs that stared at him behind a head full of thick dark brown, curly locks. One hand clutching a sippie cup and a bear, the other fisting a blanket tight around his hand.

He gave a soft cough and wiped at his sleepy eyes. "Mamma?"

Irina panicked and got off him immediately while he conspicuously shoved himself back into his jeans. He handed her a napkin for the spit on her chin before kneeling down and offering his arms so the boy would come crawling into them.

Something bit into his heart, noticing how much he looked like her. Olivia insisted that he was identical to him, and he believed her. It was biological. But just then, that little way his eyes were quiet and storming at the same time, and the peachy glow of his cheeks, that was all her.

"What are you doing running around up here?" He didn't respond and instead buried his head into his shoulder and stared at Irina. "Will you say hello to my friend?"

He wouldn't, but offered a smile instead which the call girl took as a bit of safety. He was handing her a wad of cash when the little guy gave a nasty cough that made him shake in his arms.

"Mamma," he said again.

"Io lo so. Lei non è qui. Dobbiamo trovarla. Per favore, saluta Irina."

His little hand escaped his blanket and waved at Irina.

"You should take him to the doctor," Irina said in her best English. A naive worrisome look upon her face.

"His appointment is coming up soon," he replied curtly. "I apologize for the distraction. Thank you for coming."

She nodded respectfully and let him lead her back downstairs for the door. And like he suspected, Marisol was standing at attention. Her eyes red and glassy with fury and fear. Clad in all black like a true Sicilian madonna. She stared at Irina and rolled her eyes before violently opening the door and not so nicely cursing her out.

The door slammed behind her and she turned around.

"What in the fuck are you doing?" She yelled at him.

Italian women. They're a different breed.

"You're wife is missing and you are fucking around with some whore. Some puttana?" She slapped him in the face and took the baby.

"I'm glad she left you. She should've. I hope that she and the baby are far away from you and your lies. And your violence. And your hate. You disgust me."

"Marisol-

"NO!" She yelled at him again. "You disgust me. You make me sick. Perché non mi hai chiamato? I had to find out from Ed that all of this was happening, huh?" She slapped him again and that time he snatched her by the wrist and her eyes widened.

She was afraid.

Not because he hurt her. But because he wanted to hurt her even more.

He let her go.

If he thought she was crying before…..

He tried to console her but she moved away. Trying, forcing herself to pull it together in front of the baby. As if he wasn't already scarred for life.

His brown eyes wide open absorbing everything like his mother's.

Like he had done, Marisol had reached for her jacket and clung to it. Holding it close to her heart as if she she were holding her in her arms.

"What happened to you? I don't understand? What did you do? What did you do to her? Where is Olivia?"

He took the jacket from her and retreated. He slumped into the couch in their sitting room, and was paralyzed as the next stage of grief started to take hold of him.

Bargaining.

He had an overbearing need to regain control of the situation.

To really give Marisol a straight answer.

What happened to Olivia?

What did you do to your might be pregnant wife?

Where is Olivia?

He'd be able to say if he had cut Abbie out of his life in the beginning.

If he hadn't killed a person, he might've still been the same man he once was.

If he just tried for one moment to get better instead of trying to be so damned normal maybe he wouldn't have snapped, and she'd still be here. She'd be in his arms right now. He'd be holding her instead of her jacket and the memory.

So, he asked himself again. What did you do to your might be pregnant wife David?

His fingers connected with a bundle of something cold, thin and plastic in her pocket. Felt like pens but they were too thick for that. He closed his fist around the bunch and pulled them out.

He was holding a handful of white, digital, definitely peed on sticks. Each one clouded with their own blue lines.

Scratch that.

What did you do to your definitely, pregnant wife?

Fuck.


	19. Something Happened

_Then_

 _May 2016_

It was early. 5:30, 6:00am. David was up, his hand was under her shirt holding the baby while he read poems in Italian. He used to do the same thing to her to help her sleep when they were dating. It was sweet now seeing him love Dominic that same way.

"He's kicking for you," she said underneath her sleep laden eyes.

He brushed her hair out of her face. "Did we wake you?"

Towards the end she was getting less and less sleep. Lying down was more uncomfortable. She was always too hot or too cold. Her back was in a lot of pain, so sleep was as much a luxury as it was a miracle. And David was starting to worry.

"No," she promised him, taking his hand and kissing it. "but I do need to shower."

They had over the top sex last night. Hot sex. Rough sex. By the end of it she hadn't been able to move a muscle in her body. She needed rest indefinitely for the foreseeable future, and it was going to take her a while to recover from it.

She swallowed feeling her whole body tingle from being so swollen, not letting it show how nervous she was getting knowing that even something so simple as getting up was getting significantly harder to do. It made thinking about labor extremely scary. She was so anxious about it.

"What time do you think you'll be back?" David asked her coming in to brush his teeth.

"No later than seven." She pulled off her slip and started the shower. "The earlier I get there, the earlier I'll be able to come home."

"I've missed you." David said softly watching her get in.

It was true. She'd been pushing herself at work these last few weeks just to ensure Fin and Don weren't overwhelmed by the onslaught of traffic. Fin was used to it but Don was still trying to get his feet wet post Me Too movement. They had a lot of victims and survivors coming forward, more than Don was used to. And the reports were a bit more complex than what they used to be. She never in a million years thought that she'd be giving Don orders but she was.

And then of course she had the rapekit backlog which without Rafa was moving a bit slower but she was still meeting with women and a few men regularly to get their statements. Made for a tough call at home.

She felt him get in the shower behind her and grab the shampoo.

"Soon you'll have me all to yourself. Then what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to have you all to myself." He argued, running his fingers through her hair. "I'm going to have to share you."

"Jealous?" Olivia smirked, as she started to scrub her shoulders.

"You have no idea."

She closed her eyes feeling the soap starting to run down her face, and the next thing she knew she was walking into the precinct to start the day.

"Manhattan SVU, detective Rollins speaking…hello?" She hung up. "You know that's the fifth time I got a dead call today. I swear to god, if it's not someone in trouble I'm knocking in someone's front teeth."

"Next time stay on the line. We'll trace the call." She told her as she started to open her office.

"Lieutenant Benson?"

She turned around just as the door started to unlock and saw Ted Randall standing there. Nice, neat and perfect like a good soldier. And so fucking pronounced. _Bastard._ She rolled her eyes with her back turned. "Corporal. What brings you by this hour?"

"I was wondering if you could put in a good word. Chief Dodds is assuming me fit for homicide, I know they respect you there." He said coming in behind her. "And seeing as though you cost me my last job, I'm thinking maybe you owe me one."

She flared her eyebrows. "I don't owe you anything, Randall. Especially since, as you said, I cost you your last job. I don't know your work ethic. I can't speak to your skill set, or even make note of your behavior. Why isn't Chief Dodds writing your letter?"

Randall sat down at her desk and crossed his legs. "He's still hoping you'll warm up to me." He unraveled a stick of gum and started to chew. Loudly.

"What do you think?" She questioned him. "You think I'm warming up to you?"

"I think pretty soon you may not have a choice." His gum popped beneath his teeth and he smiled tightly.

"Well as I said, we are more than equipped at SVU, but we wish you the best wherever you land."

"I appreciate that Lieutenant."

"If there's anything else…"

His cell phone rang, and the trumpets she heard caused her heart to fall out between her legs. She immediately closed up and her mouth got pasty dry. She watched Ted fumble with his hands searching his pockets for the tune.

Every morning, every evening,

Ain't we got fun.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting anybody this early." He apologized.

Not much money, oh, but honey

Ain't we got f-

Ted silenced it and looked at her. She didn't know what look was in her eyes or flush on her cheeks but whatever it was, it caused Randall to stumble on his feet. "Thank you for your time Lieutenant. I hope to see you soon."

Amanda was right behind him. "Are you ok? Did he say something to you? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

She swallowed thickly, and frowned when her voice barely came out more than a whisper. "I'm fine." She cleared her throat. "Is David- I mean did you get through with that call?"

"No it stopped." Amanda sat with her. "Are you ok? Is it David? Do you want me to call him?"

She wanted him right then and there more than ever but she was expecting him later and she wanted to try and get through whatever episode that was on her own. "No he's coming by for lunch. What did you want to tell me?"

"We found Emilio."

She stretched her brows and got up from her desk to follow her into the bullpen. An hour later they had him in custody. She listened pretty steadily to his statement from her office but no matter what she did she hadn't been able to shake her earlier visit from Randall. Dominic was her only comfort and her little guy was passed out from all the stress of the moment.

"Boxing Day getting to you?"

She turned around and saw Rita Calhoun closing the door behind her. She silenced Emilio's testimony, and motioned for her to sit. "Rita, what are you doing here?"

The attorney made herself comfortable with her usual professionalism. She was clad in all silver. Down to her heels and jewelry. Ever the snow queen with her silver blonde hair, and her stormy gray eyes. "You look like you're going to pop Lieutenant." She clipped her hair back with a smile. "Barba sent me to go over the rapekit cases."

Her eyes widened. Of all people, Barba sent Rita Calhoun? Did David know about this? "Please, don't look so surprised," Rita scoffed. "I'm only on it until the new guy gets here. I just need you to answer a couple of questions for me and I'll get out of your hair."

"Of course." Olivia croaked, settling into her couch right next to her. "So it's a he?" She inquired pulling her glasses on.

"Who? The district attorney? It's Peter Stone. Ben's son. I'm sure you've met him." Rita said matter of factly as she started to pull apart the manilla envelopes on the table in front of them.

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"Well he's a loose kind of guy, you'll have fun with him. I'm surprised David hasn't told you about him- This one. She married the assailant, he's protected under marital privilege."

Olivia looked at the case. "Uh, no…" she read over it. "He stopped practicing to help me with the baby- she was a minor when the abuse started."

"Yeah but she's 37. Statute of limitations prohibits the trial."

"But the abuse is ongoing, Rita. She's going to have to come forward with something more recent. Amanda and I will speak with her, she'll come forward."

"She won't. She has children now."

"Have you spoken with her?"

"No," Rita digressed.

"In my experience, a lot of times these women are grossly misinformed. She may not even see or understand what he's doing to her. And god forbid those kids."

"And in my experience, prosecutors waste a lot of time with this kind of victim and end up doing more harm than good. I think it's a mistake to pursue it."

Olivia's head dropped. "Is that what you're here for? To see which of these girls and women deserves your time?"

"I'm just trying to be realistic. You've reopened over sixty cases Olivia. Did you think all of these were going to trial?"

Olivia stood up to get some air, suddenly unable to breathe. "I think that these women deserve to be heard. And I believe that every one of them deserves to be valued and respected. Not pushed aside to make room for my spa appointment."

Rita scoffed and rolled her eyes. "That was out of line."

"Was it? Since when did you assume the roll of God to judge who gets a pass and who doesn't?"

Rita sat up and uncrossed her legs. "Don't be so over dramatic." Olivia glared at her. "Look. I know you're used to getting your way with this sort of thing, but the higher you climb the tougher it will be. Everyone's talking about this at the DA office and we all agree the only thing keeping this from going to the Supreme Court is you and your incessant need to save every single person that walks through that door. Half of these are heresay, Olivia. Don't be stupid. You have a chance to really make a difference."

Olivia shook her head. "That's not how it works. You can't save one and not the other. You don't know what it's like-

"Until it happens to me?" Rita cut her off. "Since when is being a victim a qualification to be a DA? Don't preach me that Lady Gaga bullshit. These people and the hundreds of thousands of others across the nation deserve more than that. Not every assault is the same. And I'm sorry, but prosecutors will not defend the girl who got her drinks mixed up at the bar over the one who got attacked on her way home."

"Yeah we'll see about that."

They were interrupted by the shrill telephone in her office. She picked up the phone. "Manhattan SVU, Lieutenant Benson speaking." There was a muffled voice. She could barely make anything out. "Hello?" She tried again.

The call dropped, and she set it down, disturbed by whatever the hell it was.

"Look. Just take a look at these, alright? You don't have to make any decisions now. It'll be months before we're able to make a move on this. Just take a look." Rita implored.

Olivia nodded but her body language was incredibly dismissive and she knew it. She wanted it to be. By the time David showed up twenty minutes later she was ready for a detox.

"Let's do a quickie in the cribs." She tempted him, kissing his lips full on in the middle of her office.

He laughed. "No. If I start I'm not going to stop. Plus your foods gonna get cold." He brought her usual cheeseburger and fries.

"That wasn't a question. I need you inside me. Now." She pulled him by the arm and lead him outside "Fin take over."

He and Amanda exchanged looks. "Don't judge her." Amanda said trying hard to mask how humorous she thought the whole situation was.

"Look, I've known her a lot longer than you have. I've watched her love a guy for twelve years, and silently beg for the action she's getting now. But that's all it was. Begging. David's following through. This is new territory for me. I'm actually being subjected to her sex life. I'm happy for her, but she's a freak." Fin quipped.

Amanda laughed.

"You think I'm playing? Did you hear them last week in the locker room? I don't go nowhere in here without hand sanitizer anymore."

The phone rang again and Amanda picked up only to be met once more with the warped voice on the other end of the line. "Fin. This is it." She sat up holding the phone to her ear while Fin came over and pulled up the call system. The number came up with a match.

Barba.

"What's he doing? - Hey Liv? Are you expecting a message from Barba?"

Amanda called after her.

"Just one second!" The door slammed behind her going towards the cribs but not before she heard Amanda say, "Well that was useless."

She pushed David down on the nearest cot and straddled his waist. "WOAH, woah Liv. Slow down!"

"No I-

He breath caught feeling his cock press against her entrance and then instant relief of feeling him nestled inside her. She held onto his shoulder and slowly worked herself up and down, and before long the protest was gone. And they were both wrapped up in release.

"You're so wet," she heard him say before kissing her hard in the neck.

"That's because I want you," she gripped him tighter.

They had a steady rhythm going but she couldn't keep up with it with all the weight.

"Turn around, I'll take care of you." David promised bringing her hips to a stand still. They used every pillow in the cribs so she could prop herself up to get fucked hard from behind. And she loved every moment of it. Her cervix was really sensitive so she felt every second of his penetration.

The rigid veins of his cock sliding against her walls, just to bottom out at her clit, which she played with furiously desperate to get off.

"Keep going, don't stop baby," she moaned.

She started to cry out feeling him go harder and harder. His thumbs digging deep into her hips. "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum. Ooh-agh- David," her voice quivered.

He groaned above her feeling her tighten around him. "Fuck…." He breathed.

"Ok…, ok." She panted, sending a hand for the bed frame to detach them. "We'll do the rest later."

He pulled her hand back and her whole body up so she was seated on him. "I told you," he whispered in her ear. "Once I start, I'm not going to be able to stop."

She sighed feeling him enter her again. This time going deeper and harder than before. She could barely form a sentence. Do anything but breathe, and take it. But instead of staring in his eyes, hers were glued to the door.

"You think someone's going to walk in don't you?" He started unbuttoning her blouse.

Olivia felt raw heat flare within her. Sweat break out on her upper lip. _They wouldn't. He wouldn't._

But there were footsteps.

"You think someone's going to see you impaled on my cock. Your pussy all wet and juicy, and spread open." He spread his legs open wider so hers would open wider. "Your breasts hanging out."

He squeezed one in his hand. And she nearly lost conscious hearing the footsteps get closer. The shadows outside and underneath the door. She swallowed feeling her vision and hearing fall down a dark tunnel.

"No don't," she croaked. "Someone's coming."

"I'm almost there." He pumped harder, faster, and put more pressure on her clit sending her forward again.

A knock came at the door and they both exploded. He kissed her and she moaned again feeling a very thick load warm inside her.

"We'll be right out!" She gasped, pulling away.

"That was amazing." He moved her hair out of the way and continued to kiss her.

She didn't have the words to respond.

Another knock at the door.

"Just give me five minutes," she croaked and fumbled with her blouse. "Hide that thing before I attack you." She warned.

"That would be nice." David grinned. "You could turn around this time. Ride me with your chest open so I can drink your milk. Make you cum over and over again."

"Oh-

She ripped away, rushing out of the room and back down stairs where she was called.

"You missed a button," Fin chided, handing her the next case file. She looked down at her shirt and saw her blouse popped open at the bottom.

And as if it weren't already obvious, David was hot on her heels following her into her office. She had to keep pushing him away just to try and read her file.

"Stop. I'm working."

"Fin's still here. We can still do it if you want." He grinned pulling her closer on the couch.

She took a long sip of her lemonade in stead of answering.

He took the hint. "Alright fine, but stop pushing me away. This was supposed to be my time with you guys."

"Then stop being fresh."

"You started it."

"I did. And now I'm ending it. It was perfect. Just what I needed. But now I have to work."

She took a bite of her burger, and got another few sentences in before his hands were on her again.

"Will you at least tell me what all of the fuss was about? We don't usually use each other for sex like that…."

He said it so honestly, she detected the worry in his voice way before the humor. She looked at him sitting next to her. His eyes so open and sweet and loving. "Rita came by and asked me to cut the victim list. She told me I had to choose which ones go to trial." She ended on a high note.

"And?"

"Ted Randall visited me this morning."

"The kid who's supposed to take over for you." She nodded.

David frowned. "Did he threaten you?"

"No," she sighed, suddenly exhausted by the exchange all over again. "He- asked for a job." She said hesitantly.

"Hope you told him to fuck off."

"Something like that."

She winced feeling an elbow or a foot hit her ribs.

"Is he hurting you?"

"Like hell, but I'm not going to complain. He was sleeping before we made love- What smells like bananas?"

"It was supposed to be a surprise." He smirked, presenting her with Banana pudding. "I thought we could share it."

She opened the bag. "But you only bought two containers."

David laughed but she was dead serious about not sharing. "I would've gotten more but I didn't want you to get sick."

Fin interrupted them. "You. With the pudding again." He said hanging by her door.

"Don't worry. I'l keep it PG this time." David got up and put some distance between them.

"Oh I think we're passed that. Liv, room's open."

She ate some more fries before getting up to her feet. Hating herself for putting an ache between her legs as if she needed to be more uncomfortable at work today…

David watched her. "Are you sure you're ok. You seem bothered."

"I am. I'm just having a day." More fries. "I'm sorry if you felt used. I just- I needed to feel you. I needed to feel safe again and be with you…." She ran her fingers through her hair.

Because after all was said and done. After the sex, and the intimacy, what she really desired above all else was feeling secure and safe. And David had delivered on that so beautifully the last few years they'd been together. She thrived as a person because of how he made her feel ad the confidence she got when he was standing behind her. He made her feel so strong and empowered, and wanted. And she needed that earlier more than anything.

"It's alright, I just want you to be ok. I feel better when you talk to me about things. You close up sometimes…."

Well that was going to change tonight, she thought.

"Can you stay until I finish?"

"I wish I could but I have a really big meeting that I need to get to." He said, drawing circles over one of the baby's kicks.

She didn't try and challenge him. He had been so good about being home and attentive to her needs. She had hardly seen him reach for his phone in the last two months just to prove how committed he was to her and their family. If it was important she knew he meant it.

"I'll see you later on," he promised. "At 7 right?"

"Probably closer to 8."

"Alright." He put on his coat.

"Listen, when I get home tonight, I want to talk to you about something important." She told him, fixing the collar around his neck.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. I just want you to promise me that no matter what you're going to love me the same way you love me. I want you to make love to me the same, and hold me the same, and kiss me the same."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He frowned.

"We'll talk about it when I get home. Call me when you get there please. So I know you made it safe." She kissed his hands.

"Wait a minute no. You can't just say something like that and expect me to leave." He argued.

"You have your meeting. Go, baby. I'll be fine. I'll see you tonight."

He pulled her chin up at him and stared at her deep in her eyes. "This is what you've been keeping from me isn't it?" He was referring to what she'd been sweeping under the rug since she found out she was pregnant. The same thing Nick had been badgering her to get off her chest the whole time.

She opened her mouth to say but Amanda walked in on them. "Liv, we really need you."

She could tell her husband didn't want to let her go but he knew it was only a matter of time before she started to separate them. He planted a kiss firm on her mouth. And grabbed her head with both hands before pulling her into his arms as close as her swell would allow. "I love you more than anything in this world. I always will. Whatever it is we'll get through it together."

"I love you too," she told him.

And then it stopped.

 _Now_

Amanda flipped through the pages. There was a time gap.

 _This was it._

"Amanda?" Carisi swang by her desk, hitting the case files in front of her to catch her eye. "Come on what are you doing? You've been in that thing for two days. Eat something take a break."

"No wait a second." Amanda leaned in closer and reread the page. "Did you know that Randall was harassing her?"

"Teddy in homicide?" When she didn't answer Carisi came and sat next to her. "He helped us out a lot back then. He's not involved in this."

"What if he is?"

Carisi blinked. Amanda looked strung out and raw. The lack of sleep she had alone was reason enough for her to stop. "Maybe you should take a break. Get some sleep." He reached for the diary, but she got up and put distance between them.

"I can't. I have to get through this."

"Did you make it to New Years?" He stared up at her, swinging in his chair.

That and more.

Big welting, burning tears started to erupt in her eyes. "She was happy….Really happy," she croaked.

Carisi parked his hands at his hips, frustrated by everything. "No she wasn't."

"She was," Amanda corrected him aggressively. "But something happened. And we didn't see any of this coming." And they didn't. Not really. If they had none of this would've happened. They witnessed Olivia have a couple of bad days at work. They all did. That was all. But if for one second, one moment any of them suspected David was hurting her….

"Did she mention any of the abuse yet?"

"No. She's getting ready to give birth to Dominic."

Carisi's face dropped. He couldn't see the point in skipping down memory lane during the most traumatic night for all of them. Not when they all tried so hard to erase the day out of their heads. "You don't have to read that Amanda."

"Yes I do."

He started to get agitated. "Look you were there. Alright? Once is enough. It won't hurt to skip a few pages."

"But what if he really had something to do with it." Her voice cracked again. "With her disappearance and all of this. She was so happy. He said he was jealous about the baby, what if he was. And this stuff with Teddy, I mean they really had it out for each other before. It's too much of a coincidence. He shows up at her job the day she gives birth playing Ain't We Got Fun on his cell phone and then she goes into labor? How did he even know about that?"

"It says that?" Carisi finally ripped the diary out of Amanda's hands.

"She was triggered."

He set the book down suddenly unable to deal with any of it anymore. "Look, don't ok. Just don't. You need to stop."

He hovered to make sure she listened.

"I'm fine Carisi. Just, let me get through this. You should go home to Jesse." Amanda picked up Olivia's diary once more and started walking towards the cribs.

"I called my sister. She's going to watch her until we get back. I don't want you here alone." Carisi told her at the bottom of the stairs.

Amanda gave a thankful glare, before closing the door and turning back once more to the pages and the dates. The last entry in real time was in May 2016. And the next was in July. There was a gap there but she didn't need Olivia's account on what happened. She had her own.

She remembered that night and all the nights that followed.

She was there.


	20. Ripped

_Then_

 _May 2016 (Continued)_

Amanda chewed on the back of her pen as she typed up a report. She was the last one in and was trying to hurry up and meet Carisi and Jesse for dinner. He had offered to pick her daughter up from daycare while she finished up, and then sent a text about making chicken parm which after a week of takeout, she was all too enthusiastic about.

They also had the matter of their relationship to discuss too. He had been around far too much then she cared for and she planned on laying down some serious ground rules. Not only did she not like him but Olivia was up her ass about them being together. She kept warning against it, kept saying how it was a bad idea. That they shouldn't get too close. If it were any other woman she would've told her to stay out of her business, but everyone knew about Olivia and her old partner. Fin especially. And whatever happened between the two of them was bad. It was always very clear early on that her boss was only coming from a good place, and as a woman and friend, she only wanted the very best for her.

And yes.

She said friend.

They had grown to be that finally. They had gotten off on a rough start and then things were bumpy. They had some competitive ground over Nick, but now that everything had settled, and she had found some sort of stability since her partner left, things had become unnaturally close between them. They were like sisters or there was something maternal there. It was hard to explain. They didn't talk often or even confide very much in each other but there was this unspoken trust that invited honesty. And it was nice. Especially with the pregnancy. She even jokingly referred to her as Aunt Amanda. She thought it was strange at first but it just made her realize how unbelievable close they all were. That SVU was a close knit group of rebellious bandits. And even though their personal lives were slim, at the end of the day they all had each other. They had a place in each other's lives. They were family.

And that thought was extremely comforting. Especially since she had a living mother from hell, and a sister who doubled as a coke addict. Wasn't exactly the company she wanted around Jesse, but this thing with Olivia and Fin and Carisi…it was just right. And the more she got used to the idea that this space they had was hers for the taking, the more comfortable she became around everyone. Olivia most of all.

She tore her eyes from the computer and saw her packing up her bag inside her office and she could tell she was frustrated. It was late. Later than she wanted it to be. She overheard her tell David that she wanted to get out of there around 7 but it was closer to quarter after 9.

"Are you heading out for the night?" She asked.

Olivia smiled. "I am. Gonna go home, take a bath. Talk David into giving me a foot massage."

She got up from her desk and locked her screen. She didn't have to do anything that couldn't wait until tomorrow, and she was starting to get hungry. "I'll walk you out."

"How do you feel about the Rodriguez case?" Olivia asked her.

"I feel great, I'm glad we got the son of a bitch before he hurt someone else." She pressed G for ground, but just as the elevators closed she saw Dodd's prospect Ted Randall standing in the hallway watching them. She opened her mouth to say something but Olivia cut in.

"Are you doing anything with Jesse tonight?"

She tore her eyes away from the steel doors and looked at her. "What?"

"What are you doing with Jesse tonight?"

Olivia was getting in the habit of asking her a lot of questions about parenting. Whenever there was a quiet moment between them she would ask about Jesse. What she liked to do. How she got her to sleep after a certain hour. Tips, tricks, and the sort.

"Actually Carisi's coming over to make Chicken parm." She tore her eyes away from her face before she could see it start to judge her. "And before you say anything, he and I are going to talk tonight about boundaries."

"I wasn't going to say anything. It's-it's your life Amanda. They're your decisions to make." They stepped off the elevator and walked outside into the night.

"I know." She said. "And I've already made up my mind." She started digging in her pocket for her keys but they were empty. "Damn it," she mumbled.

"What? What is it?" Olivia asked stopping in the middle of the street.

"I left my keys upstairs."

"Oh. Do you want me to wait for you?" she asked preparing to turn back, and Amanda couldn't help but smile. She was so damn cute anymore with that baby bump. Her hair blowing in the wind. Motherhood looked so good on her. Even though she was fighting the good fight, ten hours a day on her feet, lack of sleep, back pain, constant hunger, weak bladder, she was glowing and she hated to cause her anymore trouble. "No you go. I'm parked closer to the building. I'll see you in the morning."

She kissed her goodbye, watched her cross the street and went back inside.

It must've taken her five minutes, if that, to run back upstairs to the precinct. Her keys were sitting by her computer where she left them. She grabbed them, double checked that she didn't forget anything else and started to leave.

But a phone call came.

Barba.

Again.

The man had called at least twenty times that day. Whatever it was must've been really important.

She put the phone to her ear. "Rafa? Are you there?"

"Bl-oop…li…" She sat down and pulled out a sticky note. It was the first time she heard an actual voice on the other end of his line.

"Barba you're breaking up. I can't understand. What are you trying to say?"

"Loop! Loop! Tell -iv- Loop!"

Loop. Ok. Tell Liv Loop. She wrote it down. She tried to ask for more but the line cut dead. And every time she dialed back the line was busy. She gave up after a while, and packed up once more to go home. She was on her way back downstairs when a text rang in from Carisi.

Forgot tomato sauce, can you pick up a can?

Sure. She typed back and headed to her car. By that time it was 9:40pm. Jesse was probably in bed, she wasn't in any real rush to get home so she drove to the corner market by her house.

She was in isle two with the rest of the canned goods around 10 looking steady at her options. And as luck would have it. They were all out of tomato sauce.

"Excuse me?" She asked a sales clerk. "Do you have any spaghetti sauce?"

The man looked her up and down from head to toe before replying with an, "Uh uh, honey. You got to go to Whole Foods for that."

The closest one was twenty minutes away. She stared at a box of craft Mac and cheese and grabbed it.

He was after all, making chicken parm. That was what? Red sauce with a lot of cheese to make it a cheese sauce? Why not just skip the red all together?

"$2.50." The clerk said at the counter.

She paid and left. Finally got home ten minutes later.

She unlocked the front door to her apartment and saw Carisi standing in front of the stove. With an apron on and flour on his cheek.

"Oh thank God. You made it. I was beginning to get worried."

She started to peel off her coat. "They were all out of tomato sauce. I got Mac and cheese instead."

He stared at the box. "Amanda I'm making chicken parm." he laughed at her.

"Yeah. Chicken and cheese right? Heat up some nuggets and stick it in the Mac and cheese. Pasta's already done." Her voice trailed as she walked towards Jesse's room. Her baby girl was curled up in her bear blanket, knocked out.

"Did she behave herself tonight?" She asked Carisi, feeling him leaning behind her. Her one year old was quite the storm trooper when she was awake. Not everyone could handle her. And she was just getting over a cold…

"She was perfect. Went out like a light half way through the Sprout network."

She turned around to face him. "Thank you Carisi."

"We're back to that now?"

With his name.

He asked her to call him Dom outside of work a few weeks ago, but it never really stuck.

"Yeah. About that, I think we should talk."

Talk about how picking up Jesse a few times from school somehow turned into dinner and couch sleepovers. How after New Years Eve he kissed her in the middle of the snow while holding Jesse in his arms. It wasn't that she didn't love him, or that he wasn't a great guy, he was the perfect guy. She just didn't believe that she was right for him. And she knew that he'd only end up getting hurt. She was a touch and go kind of woman. Took only what she needed to survive. Relationships weren't really her forté. She didn't have the time or the patience to be someone else's responsibility she struggled enough taking herself on. Adding another person to that mix just wasn't what she wanted to do. She'd rather have a more transactional commitment. One where she semi regularly got to fuck someone's brains out and then kick them out no strings attached. And Carisi was all about strings….

He stood up a bit more straight and without moving put distance between them. Amanda closed Jesse's door and walked back into the living room.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna like the sound of that?" He said half humorously.

They met each other awkwardly in the middle of her apartment. And just when she opened her mouth to say something they were both interrupted. His cell phone went off, and her phone began to ring.

"Is it-

"Fin?" He finished.

Yes it was. "Fin? What is it? What's going on?" Amanda answered the phone.

"It's Liv-

"Is she in labor? Is she having the baby? What hospital is she in?" Her heart quickened at the news. Carisi showed Amanda his text. It small letters it read; _where's liv?_

"No. I just gotta call from David he said he hasn't heard from her. Thought she'd be home by now. She's not with you?"

Amanda stared at the clock on her stove. 11:00pm. "No she's not with me. She left a while ago. I'm home. I thought she was home."

"When was the last time you saw her?"

Amanda's throat closed up and she struggled to swallow. "…Uh-um, quarter after 9," She stuttered. "We left the precinct together. She should've been home by now.

"Is Carisi with you?"

"He is."

"Alright nobody panic. Don and I are on our way to Mount Sinai now. Tell Carisi to head over to the precinct and check things out. No one talk to David unless we've got something new."

"Copy that."

She hung up.

"What did he say?" Carisi answered.

She couldn't respond right away. Her mouth had dried out. Her hands were shaking. And that plummeting feeling in her chest, something she hadn't felt since Liv's situation with Lewis started to plague her. She walked over to the sink and turned the faucet on high and drank hand fulls of water.

"Stay here with Jesse. I'm going back to the precinct to check on her."

"What? She's there at this time a night? In her condition?" He started to argue with her.

"I'll let you know when I get there. Elena in 7D is usually up around this time of night. Knock on her door and she'll watch Jesse if I call you and it ends up being something serious."

"What about-

"We'll talk later, Carisi." She closed the door on him and took the stairs two by two.

Three years ago when Liv had been taken by Lewis, it was a quiet night like this. Everything was so normal. So still. So unforeseen. The three of them, her plus Fin and Nick, promised to look after her after that weekend. They had made a sort of pact, all of them swearing that they'd watch her back so nothing like that would ever happen again.

And nothing ever would, she told herself as she got in her car.

The drive downtown to the precinct was long, even with her sirens. It was right in the middle of night-life rush hour and every moment that passed that didn't put her exactly where she needed to be, paralyzed her. She recognized the feeling almost instantly.

When she'd first given birth to Jesse, a few weeks later she had gotten really sick. She remembered checking on her in the middle of the night and her face was on its way to turning blue. There was wheezing and her eyes were foggy. And she just remembered staring at that little baby and feeling the world coming to a halt. Like everything was warped and slow and she was the only thing moving at an agonizingly fast pace. Running out the front door with the baby strapped in her arms was easy but getting to the hospital that night was not. She must've checked her rear view mirror a hundred times. Must've had the urge to run over a pedestrian on the sidewalk twice as many. And when she finally burst through the ER, in a fit screaming that her baby had turned blue, time seemed to bend into itself and reverse. Her body had slowed down but the world had sped up. And she couldn't talk or react to anything. There was just worry, and more worry, and numbness. Like being pulled into a blackhole.

It was the most terrifying night of her life. The hairs on her skin were acute. Her spine was locked up for hours. She could barely form a sentence or do any thing more than stare at Jesse as the doctors ran tests, and more tests. And it wasn't until early morning when she received a clean bill of health that she finally relaxed and felt herself let go.

Was tonight going to be like that? She didn't know. She just knew her knuckles were white on the steering wheel. She came to another red light and pulled out her phone to call her.

"You've reached the phone of Olivia Haden. I'm unable to take your call. Please leave a detailed message and I'll call you back."

Damnit, Liv.

She called Fin again. He picked up after the first ring.

"Hey, did you hear anything?" She asked him.

"We're just leaving Mount Sinai now. She hasn't been admitted."

He said it calmly enough but she could tell he was starting to panic too. "Ok, you should try Presbyterian and Lenox Hill. Maybe she got twisted up and couldn't get to Mount Sinai."

"We're en route now. Any luck at the precinct?"

"I'm having trouble getting there. Traffic is a mess but I should be pulling up in about ten minutes."

"Call me as soon as you get there."

"Yeah. And Fin?"

"What?" He sounded.

"She's going to be ok."

"Yeah we'll bust her ass about it in the morning."

And then the line went dead.

He didn't usually do that. Cut off like that. He was an old fashioned kind of guy. Liked saying good night and that type shit. She used to think it was hysterical at first and even teased him about it, but Olivia was quick to remind her that Fin didn't have anyone at home. When he left the precinct he was on his own and sometimes just liked the company of talking to another person. She talked a lot about how the job could isolate you. Rape victims aren't exactly the best conversation over dinner or a first date. She said that you have to take comfort where you can get it. And like everything else of course, she was right.

She licked her lips again feeling them dry out. Picked up the phone again and dialed the station. Maybe she was in a car accident. She gave the make and model and after reassurance that no reports had been made she begged the commander to send someone upstairs to see if she was still in the office.

She doubted that someone actually would, but trying made her breathe easier.

She got to the station at exactly 11:30pm. And the first thing she noticed with a sigh of relief, was that her car was still there. She jumped out of her own and debated whether or not she should check the car or the office. At this hour there was no way that she'd be sitting in her car, so she went back into the precinct. It was alive. Lights were back on. There were two girls and a kid sitting outside the bullpen, but Olivia's office was dark. Locked. Untouched.

She grabbed the nearest Rookie. Officer Reese. Olivia nick named her buttercup for her blonde hair and blue eyes and her young physique but no one actually called her that. "Officer Reese." She approached her.

"Detective Rollins. What can I do for you?" She asked standing to attention.

"Have you seen the Lieutenant?"

She frowned. "No. Not since the shift change."

Amanda felt another knot in her throat. But this time it felt more like a bullet or a bubble in her chest. There was some weight on her lungs. It caused pressure. And she got that exploding feeling in her cheeks. Shift change was at 8pm.

She must've sat there for a second before sprinting out the door.

"Amanda!" Reese called after her.

But she didn't turn back. She took the stairs. Not the elevator. There was more satisfaction in busting through the doors. Running. By the time she made it out the station she saw Fin and Cragen pulling up with their sirens. She locked eyes with Fin but he was a blur.

The earth had slowed down again. She was the only one moving at an unrecognizable pace. In between traffic. Cars. Through the street to make it to the parking lot. The gravel smelled like iron and rain. Little rocks leapt into the air with each thundering step she took towards her car. A four door black truck. And just as she approached, that terrible feeling of time bending back on itself began to take hold. She lost her breath just three cars down and suddenly she became the slow one. Her steps were heavier. She experienced tunneled vision. Poolside hearing. Numbness. Stillness. Her skin became soft and clammy. She felt as if she was being pulled into a magnetic darkness.

As if she were being consumed by a suffocating blindness.

And just when she thought she was going to collapse she could see Olivia's purse spilling out in the middle of the parking lot. She heard Fin calling her from behind but she didn't turn back. She was too mesmerized by the silver key ring sticking up on the floor. And then the dim glow of her cellphone, ringing. She used all of the strength she had left to take the last three steps and when she finally turned the corner she found her.

She was on her side.

Her face was unrecognizable. There was blood everywhere. A deep, rich purplish color stained her legs and spread to the gravel. And a lighter, brownish hue painted her face. Her shoulder was twisted awkwardly. Her hands were disjointed. Her hair was matted and tangled. And she smelled like fish and flesh and sweat.

She tripped and fell between the cars. Struggling to get closer. It was hard to see her. Something kept blurring the image in her eyes. It was a wet fog and it just kept coming. Kept blinding her eyes every time she wiped at them. Eventually she gave up and just used her hands to feel for her body and the rocks.

"Liv?" She called to her. "Liv?" Again. She knelt over her and tried pulling her, propping her up in her arms.

She felt like a sack of potatoes but her body was heavy. Heavy like the cabinet in her father's room that she'd have to clean when she was twelve and thirteen. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't get the damn thing to move. It was so heavy, she sniffled. A hundred thousand pounds Kim would say. A hundred thousand pounds. "Liv?" She called again angling her face towards hers. "Liv..."

Live.

Liv, Live.

Liv, live.

At a certain point during trauma, when your body goes into shock, you become both within and without yourself.

Liv, Live.

Your nervous system goes on autopilot.

Liv, Live.

Your motor skills act but your brain is delayed.

Liv, live.

You act without thought. Only memory.

Liv, live.

"I have a pulse!"

And you don't stop. Nothing stops until you line back up with the scales of time and fate.

"Get her into the bus!"


	21. Trauma

_Then_

 _May 2016 (Continued)_

When they ripped her from her arms, she stopped breathing. She was pinned up against the car with the blood and the iron and the dust. Her legs were bolted into the ground. She was bolted into the ground. Fin had to carry her under his arms into the bus. And it wasn't until they finally got to the hospital that the night started to register.

It just kept playing over and over and over again. Like a broken record.

If she had done just one thing differently. Just one, then everything would've changed.

If she had walked Olivia to her car before turning back to get her keys, she would've made it home safely. If she hadn't stayed on the phone with Barba she would've seen the attack and been able to intervene. If Carisi hadn't texted her to pick up tomato sauce, she would've noticed her car was still in the parking lot. If he wasn't waiting at the door for her, she would've called her to make sure she made it home safe like always. And she would've know just a little bit sooner that something was wrong. And she would've been there. She would've been there to stop all of this from happening.

Maybe.

Her grandmother talked to her a lot about fate growing up. With an alcoholic, abusive monster for a father, and a weak submissive woman for a mother, you tend to need a little of that to remedy all the bad.

"God's trying to tell you something," she'd say. "All of this is happening for a reason. It may not make sense to you now, but one day you're going to look back and be grateful that you witnessed all the pain." Thirty something years later, if things were different growing up, she wasn't so sure she would've left home at sixteen, to live in New York. Wasn't sure that she'd be so quick to enlist herself into the academy and then turn around and become an SVU detective. But there she was. Badge and gun strapped to her hip. Fighting for people the way her mother couldn't fight for herself.

She liked those odds. Those were good odds. She could see the big picture. God made her childhood a living hell so she'd turn around, grow up and help people. That was a fair explanation. People don't just willingly walk into SVU right? There's always history there…She could see the logic. But every now and then she had to call bullshit. Like that night. Staring at Liv's body. EMT's wrapping oxygen masks around her face. Covering her body with a trauma blanket to keep the blood flow. Some rookie in between her legs, with a gloved arm trying to help the baby.

What was the point in all of that? Where was the big picture in that? What was she or Olivia supposed to be learning from this situation? What point was He trying to prove?

It was a stereotypical assessment, she knew. But that's what people do when there's no explanation or reason, they blame God. Even if they don't believe in him.

She stared at her mentor's 40 something year old body as the sirens echoed behind her. Even under the light, her face was unrecognizable. The coat she was wearing had been cut off and was left in shreds on the floor. Her pants were cut down the middle, and discarded with the rest of her things. And they had her hooked to all of these wires…so many wires…

In the background, Fin was talking to her, asking her questions but she couldn't speak. Couldn't think. Couldn't do anything but chant, "Liv, live," silently in the back of her head.

Liv, live. Liv, live. Liv, live.

"David. We're pulling up in about two minutes," she heard Fin say.

David.

Her stomach knotted and twisted so tightly she could feel it in her throat. Sweat broke out on her upper lip, same as it always did when she felt guilty. Helpless. Apologetic. It made her whole body shake. And she could feel a sickness coming on.

" _David_ …." He said again.

Her husband. Dominic's father. A man who's wife and child just a few hours ago were so safe and sound, now clung by a thread to their lives. Who would he blame? She shivered to think that it would be her. She promised him that she'd look after her. They all did. But she was the last one to see her. The last one with her. He would hate her. He'd never forgive her. Olivia might never forgive her.

This was her fault. This whole thing. All of it.

Her fault.

The truck came to a screeching halt as the bile started to rise in her throat.

The back doors opened and the first person she saw was David standing there, looking as if he just killed a man. His eyes were wide. Pupils dilated. His face was red, and tense. So tense you could make out the veins on his neck. Of all the colors he could've had on, he was in a white sweater and denim jeans. An outfit, Olivia was quick to ruin as she glided passed him on the stretcher.

Fin helped her out of the ambulance and they somehow made it inside. It was a feeling she'd never forget, because she didn't remember walking. She didn't remember the ground beneath her feet. Or even notice the change in scenery. One moment she was in darkness and the next she was standing outside of trauma room one, under stark LED lights with a host of surgeons, and nurses running into the room to help Olivia.

And through it all, David never once left her side.

You would think that sort of thing wouldn't be allowed. Family was never allowed in the room, but he had a signed letter from Dodds and the chief of surgery to allow it. Of course he had to vow silence and restraint, and that was the hardest thing in the world for a man like him, but somehow she knew that watching his wife and child in trauma was significantly harder. She couldn't imagine what was going through his head. A man who exercised control and dominance in everything. Had all the money in the world. Was probably so used to getting his way. Never knew fear of the unexpected.

And then all of the sudden something like this happens.

He didn't know how to navigate it.

He was struggling.

She could tell.

But he stood by her, leaning over her head. Watching it all transpire. Waiting for her eyes to open. For his son to be born. For something to happen. To get an answer. Trying to make sense of the mess….Doctors and nurses yelling at each other like bees. Buzzing in a language only they could understand.

"Trauma panel, send blood for a cross match!"

"Decreased breath sounds on the left. Air line is going in. Pulse ox is down!"

"I need plastics! Get plastics down here!"

"Put in a central line."

"Obvious shoulder dislocation, three fractured ribs. Hands are broken. Possible head concussion, multiple head contussions, multiple blunt force blows to the face and abdomen. Patient is 37 weeks pregnant, with gestational diabetes - Where's Addison?!"

"I'm here!" A tall red headed woman appeared in scrubs with three or four other nurses and an X-ray machine.

"Pressures 90 over 60. She needs a chest tube. Her lung is collapsing!"

"Crit is stable, draw blood from a line."

"Baby is in the birth canal. I'm not getting a heartbeat. Get me a crash cart!" Addison announced.

"Chest tube is in! Pulse ox is coming back up! 88 over 90!"

She saw David's eyes close and when they opened they were flooded. And he did what he promised not to.

He got in the way and reached for her hand as it dangled on the side of the bed.

"I can feel his head. How's mom doing?" Addison asked.

"She's wheezing. Pulse ox is dropping!"

"Check the chest tube."

"No it's Emphysema. We're gonna have to teach her. I can't get a tube in!"

"No. No. She's been through enough. I can reduce the dislocation, but we'll have to wire her later."

David gave the go ahead, but when the doctor cracked her bone back into place he just cried harder. They got the tube in. And it took seconds for her to come back to them.

Her body jolted as she gasped for air. David almost fell out of his chair he stood up so fast. She couldn't see them, but she could tell her eyes were moving frantically, trying to reach David as he was pushed to the back and out of the way.

"I'm here. I'm here baby. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. You hang on. You hold on." He croaked standing over her body.

Another nurse. "Somebody get Ortho down here!"

"That's it Olivia. Breathe. Breathe." The nurses coached her.

"I'm not seeing brain injury! No focal deficits!"

"Can she move her fingers and toes?"

David looked at her feet, and when nothing came he started to panic, driving a forceful hand through his hair.

"Toes are weak. Hands are broken no way to tell."

"Ok let's hang blood."

"What about your legs, can you move them?" One doctor asked Olivia, giving her thighs a shake.

Nothing.

"Addison what are we gonna do?"

"I don't like the look of these x-rays. If we give her an emergency cesarean the amniotic fluid embolism will kill her. She's not moving. If we push her too hard in labor, she will die. Mom has too much trauma." She thought out loud.

"Addison?"

"This baby's already crowning. It's over. We'll just have to take our chances. Ok, let's get her a muscle relaxer, topical anesthetic, I need forceps, I'm going to pull him out myself."

"Ok Olivia. I know you're in a lot of pain, but your baby's coming. You're going to have to push him out ok. Now listen to me, it's very important you do it on my count. We have to put in a chest tube, your lung is collapsing. We need to stabilize your breathing so you can push alright."

Olivia gasped on the table. Her body was moving now. Frantically. She cried so loud that the other nurses on call who weren't busy started coming into the room. Out of instinct David reached for her securing his hands against the baby and her forehead while she writhed. His limbs instantly staining with blood.

"Olivia, it's David" she heard him say. "I love you- I love you." Such a burden those three words often have to carry. On that night not only were they said to signify love but also fear. Silently in the rapture Amanda could hear David's eyes pleading with _don't go_. _Stay with me. And I'm here._

A doctor pushed him out of the way again. "Move." He snapped his fingers by Olivia's ear. "She can't hear us." The next ear. Nothing. "Patient has barotrauma. You're sailing this blind Addison. How are we looking down there?"

"She's losing too much blood! Hang another bag. Send the interns down for more. We have to get this baby out now and get her into surgery-

"Addison?"

"He's almost out! This baby's crushed. Skull's open, get me a bag for the cord and placenta."

The baby slipped out of Olivia, and she cried again. This one was worse than the last one. Her whole body lifted from the table and she doubled over on her side. Crying, deep like a primitive animal. It wasn't like the other ones in the hospital. Wasn't high pitched like the screeching of tires skidding on the pavement, or even a dog when kicked in its side. It was deep. From her throat. From her soul. And it was a cry only a mother could recognize. And David was helpless to do anything. He had stopped moving. Stopped speaking. Stopped existing watching them take his son away from them. Watching them bundle him up in plastic and curtains and wires. Only to look back at Olivia who at that point was starting to bleed out.

"Is she hemoragghing?"

Addison's scrubs were stained with deep hues of red and her gloves glistened in the same shade only with an oily matte.

"Ok hang on. Hang on. Stay with me. Stay with me." Addison turned to the interns. "Hang that blood! Let's get her ready for OR2! Soon as she's stable we're out."

A nurse came in and scrubbed David and the twelve of them ran upstairs to an OR.

It wasn't until the end of it that Fin finally came and tried to pull her away. But by then she had seen too much. Felt too much. Was in too much shock to move. The slightest disturbance had sent her chucking into the floor.

"Alright, alright. Let it out." Fin patted her back. "Let it out."

Someone. A doctor maybe, pushed her into a seat, but not far enough away that she couldn't still see David running with Olivia into the next elevator. She paled again, feeling sharp pins and needles in her throat and then she threw up once more.

They gave her orange juice to get her sugar back up. And from then on, they were in the waiting game. Five, maybe six hours later, one of the doctors who had been in the room with Olivia had reappeared. By that time, Don and Carisi had showed up and they were all waiting outside in the waiting room to hear.

And for a long time it was quiet. Unnervingly quiet. There was only the sound of the hospital comm tuning on everyone.

Ortho in trauma 2. Ortho in Trauma 2.

Peds in Or 5. Peds in OR 5.

And then Fin sniffling. Don chewing. Carisi tapping his foot.

Not much was said. But she knew they were all staring at her. Looking at her. Wondering about what happened. Why she didn't just walk her to her fucking car.

It was the easiest thing in the world.

She was right there. All she had to do was walk across the street. And watch her get in. Then she could've turned back and got her keys. Barba would've called a hundred times more and she would've caught him. Carisi and his god damn spaghetti shit be damned.

"You guys waiting around for a statement?"

They all looked up and saw the trauma doctor standing in view. She was young. Had a really soft voice, kind eyes and an even kinder smile. Amanda hadn't heard her above all the commotion in the room when Olivia first came in, but she was glad.

She was glad someone so gentle was with Olivia in that room.

She opened her mouth to speak but Fin was the first to stand up. Sniffling and wiping his eyes. "No we're family."

"Well it's an honor to meet you all. I'm Dr. Kepner. David told me about Olivia's very unique family." She smiled, but her eyes were sorry. Lost even. And everyone saw it. And everyone gave it the fucking finger.

They didn't want sorry. They wanted answers.

Don stood by him. "I'm going to be the asshole," he said, flashing his badge. "How soon until she's able?"

"No one's spoken to you about the trauma?" Kepner asked.

No one moved.

She swallowed. "The patient- Olivia is in a coma. She suffered severe blunt force trauma. Neuro says her brain activity is fine, but there's no way to tell if there's been in any residual damage until she wakes. We're checking every hour for bleeders or an aneurism, so far so good. If we're lucky and she comes to after a few days, you're looking at least a month before-

"A month?" Fin barked. Cutting her off short. He stepped into her and Amanda was shocked that small little thing didn't flinch.

"Yes, her jaw is wired shut. The bone fracture needs to heal in order for her to regain her speech."

"She can write." Carisi argued.

"She broke both of her hands trying to keep her baby alive. Ortho was able to re align her right, but she'll have a permanent tremor in her left."

Oh my god this isn't happening.

She must've said it out loud because, Carisi had taken her hand and squeezed it. "Amanda-

She pushed him away.

"Is the baby ok?" Fin asked.

She could've answered that.

"I'm sorry….The-the trauma was too severe. I mean it was particularly severe. We prepared a crash cart for his delivery but he had open wounds on his skull. I am told though, that under extraordinary circumstance his body was able to hold otherwise. After he's finished in surgery, you should be able to meet him with David's permission."

"Will she be able to have more children?" Don asked.

"That's not my area of expertise. I'm sorry I can't tell you more, but due to the intimacy of that subject I'm sure our neonatal specialist will talk to David and he'll be able to answer your questions. I am supposed to ask you though, if you'd like a rape kit administered. One of our nurses detected a single strand DNA sample after the child was born-

"That was consensual." Everyone except for Don said it unison.

"Ok." Kepner's eyes widened.

"Well hang on. Let's just be sure. It could be worth it. She's smart. She might've got the guy under her nails."

Fin nodded. "Please, just be gentle."

"You have my word, sir." Kepner answered.

The boys dispersed after but she stayed put. Her feet still bolted into the ground. Her body positioned like a boulder. Every limb too heavy to move. Her skull tight and swelling. Her thumb rubbing against her chastity ring. Another meaningless relic from her grandmother.

Kepner sat down next to her. "You a person of faith?" She asked her.

Their eyes met, but she couldn't answer. She felt that if she opened her mouth something vile would come out. Like a tsunami. And she wouldn't be able to stop it. Wouldn't be able to keep the words from coming out of her mouth. Words that scared her. And paralyzed her. And suffocated her.

"I know a chastity ring, when I see one." She took her hand the way Carisi had earlier but this time it was comforting. Sterile. Chemical. Meaningless. But kind. The kindest she'd been treated by someone other than Olivia in a long time.

"I don't know why this happened. I don't know why God did this to your friend. But of all the days that this could've happened. He picked it when the best surgeons in the country were in New York to help administer the boards exams."

She must've had a look of confusion of her face because Kepner just rolled her eyes at her as if it was stupid of her to even mention it. "It's like the test you take before graduating the academy and going out on field. It's crazy…I know it's not much comfort, but if something were to happen to my loved one, and the odds weren't in my favor I'd want the people in that room today to be there. Because this time tomorrow, we'll all be back in Seattle on to the next one. So trust me when I tell you that this is a blessing. And I'm not just saying that because I work with these people everyday. I'm saying it because it's the truth."

A knot untied and twisted again in her throat. "Is-is she going to be ok? I-I-I can't-

"We're not supposed to make promises." Kepner said. "But she's stable. And if she can make it through the week without infection. She'll be fine. Now I won't lie to you. You're going to have to face an uphill battle with the coma. That's going to be hard. Touch and go mostly. She could wake up and be fine or she could wake up and surge into a crash. We don't know. And it's not for us to decide. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that's been given to us."

Decide…she thought.

Decide to do what?

She couldn't handle a clear thought until morning had set in three hours later in day light. The nausea she'd been experiencing was caused from not being able to pee. After finally releasing and coming back out she had witnessed David for the first time since getting out of the ambulance. He was standing outside of Olivia's suite. And though she hadn't been included in the huddle, she could hear and see everything.

David looked like he'd just been through hell. And he had. But he looked it. Really looked it. His eyes were blood shot. His voice was hoarse. The shadow on his jaw looked as if it had overgrown into old age. Everything about the man was raw. His features so rigid. So edged. Like a perfectly sharpened blade thirsty for kill. He was in primal mode. Some part of him out for a hunt. Everything about him exuded fear, intimidation, anger. His body language. His white knuckled fists. Even his face.

"When you," his jaw clenched. "When you find the person that did this to my wife, and to my son. I want you bring them to me, do you understand?" He told Fin. "I don't want him processed. You bring him to me."

"David-

He threw his fingers into Fin's chest. "You bring him to me." He looked back at Olivia. "Bring him to me."

He was so volatile about it. So serious. As if in every lingering moment he could only imagine himself, breaking someone's face. Someone's arms. Someone's legs for what they did to him. To her. To their son.

He then retreated into the suite and didn't come out until Olivia was discharged weeks later. Which was a rodeo in and of itself. They put her in a medically induced coma to help They each took shifts visiting her, but she always got the worst of it. Every single time, she showed up at the hospital she was front row and center at their grief. It was as if God were playing some cruel joke on her. Rubbing it in her face, saying "Look at what you did. Look at what you could've prevented.

Usually she was able to swallow it but on the day they took Dominic off the ice she never wanted to be dead more in her life. It was a nightmare. David had been inconsolable.

He had been standing over her, same as always. Begging. Pleading. Praying. "Liv, open your eyes."

Liv, open your eyes. Look at me. Come on… Over and and over again. And he'd always look at the person nearest and say, "She's going to do it. She's not leaving me. She's going to do it. She's a fighter. My girl…my wife she's strong." As if he was somehow trying to convince himself of that fact more than anyone else. But on that day…he was just non stop.

The swelling in her face was gone. She looked normal again. Like she was sleeping. It was really just the tubes and the bruise on her jaw that gave her away. The rest of the damage was underneath the hospital gown. And the blankets. Her stomach collapsed days ago. She looked serene. And that really started to mess with him.

But it had been three weeks since the attack and it was time to let the baby go. David didn't really want him at first but some of the residents on call had convinced him to do it for Olivia. "She's going to want to know he was held, and loved," they told him. "She's going to have questions about what he looked like and she's going to want to know that while he was here, he was with his daddy the whole time. And when she wakes up, the only thing that she's going to want is to see him for herself. She deserves a chance to say goodbye too."

So he allowed it.

Kepner had been right about the baby. Despite his injuries, his body held and after they cleaned him up, he looked like any other baby just colder. And Liv deserved a chance to see him. To meet him. So they held on as long as they could, but now it was time. He was starting to wilt.

"Baby, come on, I know you can do it. Open your eyes." Again. But this time more violently. "Liv, open your _fucking_ eyes." His voice cracked. It had been ruined since they got there. No one had seen him cry. Or raise his voice ever. But they all knew he was doing it sometime. Enduring the torture. Silently.

"Mr. Haden, I'm sorry but it's time." The resident on call pressed him again. And this time she had two nurses behind her.

"No. Just give us a minute. Give me a minute. She's going to open her eyes, alright. Just give me a minute." Her growled.

"Mr. Haden-

"I said, give me a fucking minute," David rose his voice. Silencing the two nurses in front of him. He even scared himself. He swallowed. "I'm- I'm sorry. Just let me…" the words failed him. "She didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I need a few more minutes."

At that point she intervened. The first she had since everything had transpired.

"Please, give them a few more minutes," She spoke up and even flashed her badge for good measure. "I'll come and get you as soon as they're done."

She turned back to look at him. Ensuring that she had everything under control, the nurses let themselves be ushered out of the room. And the rest was left to them.

"Alright, Liv. Ok…." David got up and stood over her, bending to her face as close as he could with all the wires. For a moment, at a complete stop. He Paused. Feeling so lost. Not sure what to do, or what to say. He was holding his dead baby, and his wife was in a coma, No change. What the fuck was he supposed to do? What the fuck was he supposed to say?

He took her hand in his and pressed it gently to his lips. For the first time allowing himself to touch her, without restraint or fear. "Liv, this is our Dominic," he sniffed hard. "And he's so, so beautiful. He's perfect." He smiled proudly at the soft muted face. "Yeah. He's got uh…head full of hair. Dark. Like you and me. It's soft like silk And he's so big, Liv. Came out 9 pounds, 8 ounces. His cheeks are real chunky from you and your ice cream, and your pudding…You just want to bite them. He's got a birthmark on the back of his neck. Right under his hair line. Kind of like a football shape, and his feet are real big, almost the length of my thumb. And I know you're so scared, because of what that son of a bitch did you, but Dominic's alright…looks like he's sleeping." He had to stop. He was buckling. "I can't tell who he looks like more, but I guess that's a good thing. They say when the kid looks like both parents, both hearts were in it. I don't know…" He trailed off. "And when you hold him, you don't ever want to let go." David cocooned the two of them together in his arms and hugged Olivia close. "I told him, we don't do that in this family. We don't let go….Baby please, open your eyes. Liv….I don't know what to do."

At that point he just started crying freely. Silently. But Freely.

And the monitor continued to beep at the same agonizing slow pace. That made him angry.

"Liv, open your eyes. Open your-

The baby shifted in his arms and he stopped. Froze.

He couldn't do anymore.

Slumping back into the chair next to her. He held onto Dominic for the rest of the day and just stared at her. Waiting. Every moment feeling like an hour and a second at the same time. He didn't move again until that night. It must've been two. Three am. He walked out of her room holding the small bundle in his arms.

So natural.

As if Dominic was still alive.

As if he were merely handing the baby off for more tests and would be getting him back soon with a full bill of health.

To this day, the image of him standing outside of Olivia's medical suite, holding the baby haunted her.

She would never forget it. The burning red of his eyes. How flustered his cheeks were. He was absolutely defeated. The most vulnerable she'd ever seen him.

He said his final goodbyes, kissing the baby's forehead, before gently placing the bundle into the nurse's arms, and even then his hands had lingered on the baby's feet.

There was another kiss.

And then he was quietly taken away.

She didn't think the night could get any worse but it did. Within an hour of the baby being taken away, Olivia's body went into shock. It was almost as if she knew all that had happened, and was fighting with everything in her body to get back to him. To open her eyes as David had begged. They were told it was a good thing. Her body was responding to the medication and the treatment but internally her organs were working over time and she needed additional blood transfusions and more oxygen.

The doctors monitored her heavily, coming by every hour for the next four days until there was a change. Until Saturday morning when her milk, finally came in on her next shift.

"I know it's difficult to imagine, but it's a good sign. Her body's healing it's strong enough now to the point that it's realizing she gave birth. It's good. She's coming out of this. Just give it a few more days. She'll come back." The doctors told them.

Sunday.

Monday.

Tuesday.

Wednesday. 3:34pm.

David had just come out of the bathroom. Freshly showered and clothed. He'd asked her to come in and look after her while he was getting cleaned up. She had been quietly on the phone herself, listening in on a phone call for a case, but she had seen her open her eyes, and she'd seen her move.

The whole thing so normal. As if she'd only been asleep the whole time. As if she were just waking up from a long day at work.

She even subconsciously reached for her baby, expecting her full 8 month curve to still be there. But her stomach now rested unevenly flat with the rest of her body.

"Amanda will you get the doctor's please." David asked calmly.

"Of course."

She walked away just as Olivia started to sound. She inhaled deeply, a sore moan escaping her throat. Nurse's flooded the room as she started to uncomfortably come to.

With her body awakening she gasped for air, but it was stifled by the wiring in her jaw. She tried again to breathe but it was hard.

David went to her side and stared at her just as frantically as he had the day she'd been admitted. His eyes, waiting as more nurses and doctors swarmed the room.

They preformed a series of reflex tests, snapping their fingers by her ears and waving flashlights in front of her eyes. She responded to all of them.

"Liv?" He called to her, surprised when she looked at him and her hand weakly reached for his.

"Olivia, It's doctor Grey. Do you remember me?" David followed his wife's eyes as she stared at the voice addressing her. "I want you to blink once for yes and twice for no."

She blinked twice.

"That's ok, that's good. You're doing great. I want you to stay calm and relax. Focus on breathing through your nose." The doctors waited until she understood. Her body was weak but she complied. "Hang tight, we're going to get you some water, and some medication for the pain."

She weakly reached for her lips with her free hand. 'Your jaw is wired shut, don't try and open your mouth." David told her. She blinked at him and her hand reached for the baby.

David watched her, willing the glass in his own to go away, and then bravely sat by her side. "You're ok," he repeated. "Everything's going to be fine."

The doctors were pleased with her responses. She didn't seem to have any brain damage or complications, but they warned that she would need physical therapy to regain strength in her legs.

A week or so. Maybe three before she'd be able to get by without any assistance.

But she'd be able to regain speech almost instantly. Her voice would be low from the syringe feeding and impaired from the wiring, but given some time she would talk. Sometime in the night she did weakly ask for the baby. It was the first word she could manage.

David had leaned back into his chair and put some distance between them. Unable to hide anymore. It was truth time.

"You were attacked on your way home from work. Amanda found you, lying in a pool of blood, in the middle of contractions. They rushed you to the hospital where they planned to give you a c-section because of your injuries, but by then you had already partially delivered. So they just pulled him out. He was born on a Thursday morning at 12:01 am. 9 pounds, 8 ounces. As soon as they got him out you crashed. We almost lost you. I almost lost you. They took you to surgery right away. You were in real bad shape, Liv. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life. For anything." He shook his head, unable to look at her anymore. "They placed you into a medically induced coma, and we…the doctors offered to keep Dominic on ice for you. So you'd have a chance to meet him. And I tried so hard to get you to wake up, but you would not open your eyes. You didn't heal fast enough for them to take you off the treatment. I made them wait for as long as I could, but they came and took him last Tuesday. You've been in a coma for almost a month."

She didn't react. Not really. Her brows furrowed, as if she didn't quite hear what he said. Then there was a flicker of something in her eyes that mirrored acceptance. Her eyes closed and it was as if she completely submitted to the will of unimaginable pain and grief, and loss. She was overwhelmed by it's current, which was too strong and far to resist. She didn't have the strength anymore. She used it all getting back to David and life and living.

She watched her turn into a ghost in real time. Much in the same way she had after Lewis. She was alive but no one was there.

"The surgeon who handled your delivery is the best in the world. She patched you up real good, and we can try again." David told her. "I know that's a long ways off, maybe never for us, but I thought you'd want to know. The doctor said knowing might help you. I want you to remember that. You're not broken. We can fix this. I can fix it." He moved a curl from her face. "Liv." She was so far away, so far removed that he had to call to her. His tone changed so completely. His voice thicker, heavier, darker, then she'd ever heard it. It came out like a whisper laced with something sinister and cruel. Promising only absolutely ruin. "Do you know who did this to you? Hm?"

She looked back at him. "It's alright baby, you can tell me."

Decide, Kepner said.

Decide what to do with the time that's been given to you.

Amanda swallowed, wiped her eyes, turned away from them and walked out of the recovery suite. She was going to find the son of a bitch that attacked Olivia. And so help her God, she was going to nail him to the fucking wall.

 _It only gets worse from here._ _Did I mention that I love reviews?_

 _And yes. Those were Grey's cameos. I'm sorry but I love the shit out of that show, and if something happened to Liv, IDK, I'd want Bailey, Yang, Grey and Addison in the room tbh._


	22. Shell

_Then_

 _June 2016_

Her body felt different without his weight. She expected, if anything, to feel lighter. But instead she felt heavier. Her arms ached to be filled. Her breasts were swollen and engorged. And she felt so aware of herself. As if she could feel every pound of meat, and muscle, and bone.

She could barely breathe from her broken ribs. Every time her chest expanded to let air in, she was in pain. And because her breasts were so heavy and filled with milk her ribs would heal a lot slower than they would've if she hadn't been pregnant at all.

But she had been.

And every moment. Every waking moment she couldn't stop seeing his face. Couldn't stop feeling his weight in her arms, even though she'd never held him.

She grabbed the assistance bar in the shower and braced herself as a deep breath came. Those were the hardest. They hurt so bad. Breathing harder meant suffocation. Bruising. More injury.

She shivered feeling steam envelope her. She was still healing from the barotrauma and the water sounded like a thunder storm. Her vision was glassy. Crystalized. And in that moment she was so still she could hear herself breath. The pain and agony to get through was so numbing she could hardly stand.

She blinked watching a light trickle of blood run from between her legs, color the water and escape down the drain. A mild tint left over from labor. The very last episode of lochia. She bit her lip tightly to keep from crying again, but it was trembling, and a sob escaped her. One that constricted her heart in the most painful way. Clenched it tight as if it were in a fist. And she had forced it down. Force the need to cry down, just to keep from hurting herself. It was ok to let tears fall, but sobbing. Crying out. She couldn't do it. Not even when thinking about the one thing that really _really_ upset her. Her labor.

The moment she'd given birth was lost. She couldn't remember…It was the pain they said. The shock. The trauma. She'd probably never recover the memory. Only David would have that.

Along with everything else.

The birth. The baby. He got to hold him and kiss him, and pray with him. He got to wrap his fingers around his toes, and cherish him nose to nose. Skin to skin.

And he should've. He deserved to.

From the moment he knew, David loved their son so much. He was so ready to throw away his life and his world for him. That's why he'd been so committed during her pregnancy to the office and the firm. He had a plan to raise their baby that didn't include being interrupted by busy phone calls. Or meetings. He wanted to be with him completely. And he wanted her to be there too. The three of them together. In the world he made for them.

But she said no.

Because of work. Which seemed so small and minute anymore, she couldn't stand her existence. Couldn't believe she allowed herself to be in that position. That she had been so careless.

That she chose work over her family.

It was the ultimate betrayal. And she felt so foolish for ever thinking she could do both.

She felt a muscle spasm against her abdominal walls and she had to clutch the tile beside her to keep from falling apart.

Phantom pain, the doctor said. It kept her up at night, she was losing sleep. Each night she lost an hour more. She had cold sweats from the nightmares and the weltering discomfort. Everyday she had paralyzing fits of hysteria because the baby was gone but it still felt like he was there. They told her it would pass but it had already been a week, and it was still happening.

She closed her eyes got closer to the water, hoping it would blur the feeling out. So she wouldn't be able to tell what was spasm from water. Her cheeks tingled as more hot, acidic tears came. She clenched her jaw feeling the ringlets kiss her skin. The water was hot. So hot it was burning her raw. The doctor's advised against it. It would only cause the milk to keep flowing, but she didn't care. She was so numb, so desperate to feel something other than weight, she didn't care. Not when the steam started to suffocate her still weak lungs. Or when she'd overstayed her welcome for over an hour behind the curtain. She stayed.

Stayed until David had to physically pull her out. He whipped the curtain back and stared at her before turning off the shower and bundling her up in a towel.

They hadn't said two words to each other since it happened. Not two. He said his part. She listened. And that was it. He was attentive enough, present enough, loving enough, but she just couldn't bare to look at him. Couldn't stand his hands. On her. With her. Holding her. She was just too disgusted with herself. Just hated herself so much. She blamed herself immensely for what happened. Somehow felt guilty because he wanted her home. And if she had been there, then none of this would've happened. He trusted her and she just let the baby slip right through her hands.

Literally.

And that made the intimacy stifling. He told her every single day how much he loved her. That everything was going to be ok. Vowed that he would do whatever it was going to take to fix it.

But she couldn't bare to look at him.

Especially not after seeing Dominic's photos. The baby looked exactly like him. And she couldn't look at him without wanting to kill herself. Without wanting to scream. Or shout. Or cry.

She just felt guilty. And not only that, she had an overbearing need to be alone. She wasn't used to going through trauma with someone joined at her hip. She had always been abandoned, rejected, left to figure things out on her own. At forty years old, it was safe to say she was used to that. She had a system. A way of mending herself back together, and David just colluded with all of that. And she didn't really have a choice other than to let him.

She shivered feeling his mouth on her mouth. Kissing. Holding. Whispering while he dried her and clothed her.

I love you.

Everything's going to be ok.

Do you want an extra pair of socks?

Hold onto me.

I've got you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

He helped her back into her suite where Don and Fin were waiting for her. The wiring had come off her mouth just a few days ago. She was instructed to wait until the swelling went down to talk.

It had.

And now it was time for her to give her statement.

She didn't remember much because of the head concussion but some things were there. She had visions. Sliced moments intercut sloppily together.

Car. Hair. Force. Sex with David. Rocks. Leather. Pudding.

She wiped her eyes feeling more tears fall. They just sprung out freely anymore. She didn't have any control over them. They just kept coming whether she wanted them to or not. It made her eyes burn.

David sat next to her and took her hand. And she swallowed and felt more tears fall, because she wanted to pull away. A part of her heartbroken knowing her marriage was among the list of casualties.

She didn't know when, if ever, she'd be able to look at David again. Kiss him without feeling responsible, without seeing her son's face. Didn't know when she'd be able to make love- if she could find it in her to even feel that again with someone else. In her eyes the best part of her life, her husband, her partner, her pride and joy was just as mangled as the rest of her body.

"Just take your time, Liv." Fin said softly.

Take her time?

She could've sat there for the rest of her life without saying anything. She was so empty. Didn't have a thought anymore that wasn't plagued with her son. Or guilt born of loss. If they needed her to talk they'd have to be more aggressive than that. She sniffled wiping her eyes again. They stung like acid. Even with balm lathered under the lids.

"You have to walk me through it… because I don't-remember," she said quietly.

She had to deal with that too. Stuttering. Shaking. Tremors. A week into her coma, neuro found a brain bleed. The surgeon reported no permanent damage to the nerve, but there was some bruising and she needed a lot of rest in order for it to heal. Three weeks wasn't enough. When she woke they told her it would take a little longer. And that if it persisted after an additional three weeks, she'd have to see a speech therapist.

"Don't think about the assault. Just tell me about your day." Don said.

She stared at the table and watched her eyes blur again. Car. Hair. Force. Sex with David. Rocks. Leather. Pudding.

"I wass- late."

 _It was early. 5:30, 6:00am. David was up, his hand was under her shirt holding the baby while he read poems in Italian. He used to do the same thing to her to help her sleep when they were dating. It was sweet now seeing him love Dominic that same way._

 _"He's kicking for you," she said underneath her sleep laden eyes._

 _He brushed her hair out of her face. "Did we wake you?"_

Her nipples pinched and she had to bite on her lips not to sob again.

Her thoughts running wildly over that morning in David's arms. Making love passionately against the bathroom sink and then eating all that food. The sandwich and the ice cream…She got into work late.

Like always when she was with her husband.

She wiped her eyes again. "I walked in…" Her voice high pitched because she was so emotional. She kept having to stop and swallow to speak at a normal tone. Exercise her speech. "Amanda was hav-eeeng trouble with-the phones. Ted- Randall wass there-and he came to sssee me."

 _His cell phone rang, and the trumpets she heard caused her heart to fall out between her legs. She immediately closed up and her mouth got pasty dry. She watched Ted fumble with his hands searching his pockets for the tune._

 _Every morning, every evening,_

 _Ain't we got fun._

 _"Sorry, I wasn't expecting anybody this early." He apologized._

Her stomach lightened so quickly she thought she was going to throw up. Was it him? Did he know about Lewis? Was it because she was so dismissive?

She wasn't strong enough to say. She just sat in silence with her tears, feeling her heart break. Feeling overwhelmed at the thought that her baby's death could've been prevented if she'd just given the kid a chance like Dodds wanted. David's grip tightened around her hand. "Liv?" He called to her.

Time wasn't a currency she acknowledged anymore but she must've sat there a long time in silence because David started touching her. She pushed him away feeling herself starting to get sick all over again. She swallowed the bile in her throat.

"His cell phone rang…and it wass playing Ain't We Got Fun." Her lips curled when she said it but it was anything but a smile.

Don's knuckles went white as he wrote that down. "How did you leave things with him?"

She shrugged. "He left me. I didn't- leave him."

She stopped. Feeling her body start to warm up. Start to cry harder.

"What was he there for?" Fin frowned.

"He-wanted me to help 'm land a job in homi-ciiiide. I told 'm no. We never worked together, and to take it up…with Dodds."

"What happened after that?" Fin asked.

What happened? He knew what happened. They caught Emilio. She met with Rita. Fucked her husband upstairs in the cribs and then she confined herself to her desk for the rest of the night.

"We located and arres-ted Emilio Rodriguez. You brought 'm in. Took hissstate-ment while I watched from my offisss….and then Rita came to visssit me… We went over some-of the rape cassses that were being- reopened from the backlog. Her and I got into it…and then David came-and visssted me." She swallowed.

Don cleared his throat. "Since we had a rape kit done on you we're going to need you to go on record."

She felt David's eyes on her, but she was sterile about it. Intimate questions were just part of the job. "I expresssed to him that I was stressed out between my vis-it from Ted… and Rita, and I asssked him to…have sex with me. After he gave me conssent, I took him upstairs to the bunk room and we were intimate."

"Did he ejaculate?"

"Jesus Christ," David mumbled under his breath. "Do you really need that information?" He growled. "I'm her husband. She told you we made love. That should be enough for your report."

It wasn't. The medical staff had found foreign DNA inside her after the birth of the baby. She was told that it was single strand which relieved her, but they had to go on record so a rape investigation wasn't pursued. Especially since it was different from what they found underneath her fingernails. IAB wouldn't let them investigate unless they had confirmation that David was one of the donors. It was considered a conflict of interest.

"Yess."

"What happened after you two were together?" Fin pressed.

She shrugged. "We had lunch together in my office."

More tears came remembering them lying together on her couch. How he kept drawing circles on the baby's kicks while she ate her French fries.

Another abdominal spasm.

She resisted the urge to follow it on her torso and gripped David's hand back until it passed. Because what she was about to say only implicated her more.

She pulled her hand out from under his and brought her voice down low. "And then he left. And I- I ssstayed."

She should've gone with him. Should've just gone home, she thought, tightening up inside. She closed her lungs. Felt her head swell, from holding everything in. Her anger. Her pain. Her fury. But most of all, her grief.

And then she took a breath and bit her lip again.

"I don't- remember anything… elssse." She said. Her voice shaking.

"What about noises? Do you remember noises? A shift in body temperature? A taste?"

If you can't remember on your own, some cops will introduce sensory reboots. Try and get you to remember a specific sound, touch, taste, to get the memories pumping again. If they can get the victim to focus on just one thing, instead of the bigger picture, sometimes the full story will come out. For her it was body temperature.

She remembered feeling cold.

She saw herself walking across the street. It was dark.

"I wasss cold….and it wass dark."

David caught some of her tears, because at that point she just refused to wipe them away anymore. She closed her eyes feeling him kiss the side of her head. The strength of him, sheltering her. She didn't mind that. The way he moved almost instantly to protect her. He was doing that a lot lately. Making people feel aware of themselves in a dominating way, only to prove the point that they had to go through him to get to her. She could've stayed behind his arms like that for the rest of her life. It was the one thing she could tolerate. But he'd always do something else. Cup her face, kiss her more, stroke her back….and it made it hard to stay still.

"But I must've passsed out. I wass on- the ground." They could barely make out what she was saying. Her voice was so shaky from holding in the cries she knew she needed to let out and the tremor that impaired her speech.

"I couldn't breathe. He wasss too heavy…" The baby was too heavy. Pregnant women, especially in their third trimester can't lie on their backs. They risk straining their lungs and damaging their aorta.

"I wasss in a lot of pain…" she stopped. A beat. "So I rolled on my side. Tried to protect the baby, but he just-

She couldn't stifle the whimper in her throat. Remembering her hand crushing under the impact of the assault. The nausea. Towards the end, how her bladder gave in. And then her water broke…

Car. Hair. Force. Sex with David. Rocks. Leather. Pudding.

"He jussst kept punching me- and kicking me."

Like Dominic. Up all hours of the night. No sleep. She gasped feeling her breasts started to pinch again. Hard. She clung to David with her bad hand and tried to pull from his strength.

"I think we've had enough," he grit out. His eyes thick on her. She tilted her head no. She didn't want to stop, but she was going to need a nurse in a minute.

"Get…the nurse." She told him as the stains started to appear in her shirt. David grabbed her a blanket so she could cover up and did as he was told.

It was time for her to express again. When she first woke from her coma, the pain in her breasts had been excruciating for lots of reasons. There was physical discomfort and psychological. The doctors warned against expressing but she couldn't hold it in. She couldn't go through that on top of everything else. Couldn't contain another thing inside her body. So she signed off to donate the milk until she was ready. She willed her eyes shut and her body still.

She wanted to cry. But she couldn't. Crying meant breathing harder. Irritating her ribs. The doctor's offered her drugs to make her more comfortable but she refused them all so she could preserve her milk.

"You said he." Don echoed. "It was a man?"

"Yesss."

"Did you recognize him?"

"Yesss." Her lip quivered again. "I knew hiss vo-ice."

That was the most terrifying part about the whole thing wasn't it? That she recognized him. She knew him. She knew his voice. She just couldn't place his face. For the life of her she couldn't place his face.

Not a few days later. Not a week later. Not two when she was finally discharged to go home.

An event she had been loathing since they got the news. She knew the moment she walked through the front door, David would treat her different. Silently demand all the intimacy they hadn't shared in weeks. He wouldn't be aggressive but little by little he would try and get closer.

He'd start by saying a whole speech about how sorry he was for not being there. And he'd try to pin the whole thing on himself. Make her feel like he was the one to blame. But he'd only hurt her more because they both knew that wasn't true. Then he'd beg her in so many ways, to tell him what he could do to make it right. Reiterate that whatever she wanted was hers. And that no matter what he'd always love her.

A few days would go by, and they would go on just the same as they did at the hospital. He would feed her. Clothe her. Never leave her side, until the urge to kiss her was so strong, so impossible to ignore that he wouldn't have a choice but to consume her. And out of compromise she'd let him. And then she'd have to figure out a way to tell him she wasn't ready for anything more…

He'd understand of course, but a stillness would set in. And he'd stop trying because sex was the only way he knew how to fix things. What would happen to them after that was unclear, but she did know she didn't have time to think about it. Not when she worried about so many other things initially opening her front door.

Her hospital bag was probably still waiting by the door next to the car seat. The sonogram photos on her fridge. Her closet would be stocked with maternity clothes. She'd have to charge her new cellphone which had been previously synced to her old one. Things like her screensaver would still be there. And his room, the one she could see directly from hers was still sitting there. Fully decorated and stocked. Waiting to welcome the baby she was supposed to bring home. All of it untouched since David hadn't left her side since she'd been admitted. She knew for fact everything was just how she left it. Even her bed. The one where they conceived their child together. The one she had to sleep in even though the last time she'd been in it she was pregnant.

It was a lot. And she didn't want to face it.

Anxiety didn't even begin to cover what she was feeling.

"Are you ready?" She felt his hand at her back while she finished packing her things.

Nope.

Not even close.

She carefully folded her socks and slippers into her night bag with the breast pump the hospital gave her, and zipped everything up.

"I'll be-right there." She heard herself say.

Her speech had improved but she still had a slight tremor in her voice.

"I can't wait to get you some real food. You've gotten so thin."

During her stay she'd lost more than thirty pounds post baby weight. She hadn't been this thin since she first started working at SVU. Her body of course, wasn't as tight, but she had dropped sizes, lying in bed, eating boxed meals through a tube. He tried to fill her head with possibilities. Listing all her favorite foods for a week. Trying to get her excited about leaving but she wasn't enthused and she didn't have an appetite.

David took her hand and locked it with his before kissing it, as she wrapped her bag around her shoulder. And together they walked to their car. Or tried to.

When the elevator doors opened for the parking lot, she couldn't move, and they had to go back up stairs into the lobby until she calmed down.

"I can't do-it." She wept.

The parking lot. The dim lights. And the cars.

"It's ok. Baby, it's ok. It's fine. Just stay with me. Look at me. I'm right here." His voice came in warped like he was talking into a tunnel. She was sweaty. Nauseous. The whole thing a fucking nightmare. It was so bad that after three hours he finally called Fin to come and sit with her while he brought the car out front.

His disposition was different after that. Hostile? Angry? Frustrated? He looked as if he could've slammed his fist into a brick wall. He had the look of murder in his eyes. The stare so heavy and intense she was afraid to get in the car at first because she truly thought he was going to hurt her.

And then a very different scenario started to play out in the back of her head.

What if he blamed her? What if underneath all that exterior he hated her for losing their baby? And all the gentleness, all the softness, was just for show. What if deep down inside he was so angry that she didn't just come home, he wanted to punish her? Get some sort of revenge.

She shivered to think it.

Because the truth was, no matter who or what she was before losing her son, the fact of the matter was, she didn't have the strength anymore to fight. Not now. Not so soon after.

He helped her into the car, and closed the door behind her before getting in next to her and pulling off into traffic.

The ride was long, which shocked her, but even if it had been seven hours it wouldn't have been long enough for her to get through everything. He sulked the entire time. She was infatuated with all the life outside until she saw a couple of kids crossing the street and then she had to look away and back at him. His hand still tightly locked around hers.

She felt tears running down her cheeks because they'd done this before.

In the beginning.

When he first bought her the house, they drove in the car like this. Hands clasped together. Him driving fearlessly, guiding her into the unknown. And they had been so in love. So recently married. Everything new, and fresh, and promising.

The car came to a halt just outside the townhouse which was still nestled in between a cherry blossom tree and gorgeously potted greenery. Still sweetly lit up in the night. She opened the door and got out. Her feet coming to land where 10 months before she'd been held in his arms.

Her timid request to start a family so pure on her lips.

She felt her jaw lock as she stared up at her house, too intimidated to move until David came by her side to take her hand again. And as he lead her to the door she felt her mouth dry, unable to anticipate all that would happen next. Feeling so unsure of the person he'd suddenly become. The stranger her husband seemed to turn into in a matter of seconds. She felt unsafe. Anything but strong. And as she watched him open the front door she thought of how easy it would've been to hurt her, and how completely blind the abuse would be to the rest of the world.


	23. Common

_Then_

 _July 2016_

She dug into her purse for her keys. Bag opened, head down. Her eyes were so bad from old age and exhaustion that she needed her cell phone back light on just to find them. Four silver for the precinct, two gold for the house (one for the brown stone, the other for the Hamptons), and two remotes (one for her car, and the other for his). She groaned inwardly, hoping she didn't leave them on her desk too.

Frustrated she dug deeper, only to realize the keys had been in her hand the whole time and were slipping from her grasp. They hit the gravel with a jingling _bing_.

 _Great_.

She knelt down awkwardly to pick them up. Four silver, two gold, two remotes. She stood in front of the car door again, going through the chain with habit, and opened the door. Her hand had barely touched the handle when she noticed someone was standing behind her. The hooded figure just making itself out in the driver's seat window.

She started to turn around and confront him when _bang!_ Her head went skull deep into the window. Her vision went black and she fell on the ground. When she came to, he was sitting on her chest, thick leather fingers were running through her face and squeezing her jaw.

"You're a slut," he said. "You're a liar, and a slut." Her head came up from the ground and went deep into the gravel. Then again. And again. And again. As if he could do it all day. "Slut liar, slut liar, slut liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire." On her back she was consumed by a burning sensation in her lungs. She couldn't breathe. The baby was too heavy on her organs. She used all of her strength to roll on her side and take him down too. But before she had time to reach him, he sent a hard knee into her stomach and without even thinking she abandoned everything she knew was right, all of her self defense training, and let her hands down, desperate to protect the baby. She was so afraid of him getting hurt that she didn't dare move her hands. Not when they started to bruise. Or crack. Or when he twisted her fingers back so far they splintered. She wouldn't let go of her son. "I can't believe you, you fucking slut. You fucking whore." He threw his fist into her face once more and her head collided with the rim of the car with a hard _bo-_

She opened her eyes, gasping for air, and her view connected to the trees swaying in her backyard. She panted staring into the night and felt her skin soaked through her clothes. Her hair was plastered to her face. Her slip clung to her body. Her left hand throbbed from the aftershocks causing it to seize up and her lungs were desperately reaching for more air. She looked around frantically, before feeling her legs collide with David's.

She stared at him lying next to her, and braced herself for the phantom aches she would get in her womb. Sweat broke out on her upper lip as her spine went rigid and her stomach dropped. She tried sitting up some more, but it only caused more dizziness.

She peeled off her robe and shivered feeling the cool night air on her skin. Even with the body heat, she was cold. She reached for the glass of water in front of her and took a sip. Drinking water forced her to slow down. Forced her to stay in the moment instead of succumbing to her paranoia. She pulled the glass from her lips and took a deep breath. With her heart rate starting to ease, she became more acute of her surroundings.

She'd fallen asleep in the top floor study.

All of the lights were on. Blankets tumbled and twisted on the floor. The pillows were everywhere.

Evidence of another rough night.

She hadn't been sleeping. Couldn't. They had yet to find her attacker, and every moment he went uncaught her head sat on a swivel. She'd never rest or heal right until she knew he was dead or behind bars. Like Lewis.

She wanted him- whoever he was- erased from the face of the earth.

She'd barely left the house since she got back from the hospital. She lived in sweatpants and sweaters. Ate in handfuls. Handful of grapes. Handful of nuts. Handful of carrots. And then she'd sleep. For hours. And she'd always wake in David's arms.

Funny, since not too long ago, she was convinced he hated her.

The paranoia she'd been dealing with since the attack was smothering. And on the day he brought her home she could've convinced herself a bird was ready to kill her. It would've been easier to deal with, she told herself. If he wasn't so perfect, if he hated her just a little she would've felt more compelled to move on and let go, but he'd shocked her when they finally got settled. He was angry, livid, about what happened. But underneath all that exterior he was just as broken and gutted as she was. He remained clinical, accommodating and sterile.

Which both proved to be something she needed and something she loathed. She'd been struggling with that a lot lately. So unsure of whether or not she wanted to be in his arms or left alone. Her heart and her body missed him and wanted him, but she couldn't seem to get through the war in her head that told her things were never going to be the same between them. That secretly deep down inside he hated her for not being home. Most days, she juggled so much guilt she didn't know what to do with herself. It was hard to think let alone be. And it made it that much harder to be around him.

She padded her skin with the sleeve of her robe and stared at the clock. 3:30am in big red lights stared back at her. She was annoyed, frustrated, irritable. Mainly because she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep again until some unprecedented hour the next day. She brushed her hair back, out of her face and shocked herself when her hand fell short at her nape. The uneven wisps getting caught at her fingers.

She was still getting used to the hair cut she gave herself less than a week ago. The long tresses she kept for David during her pregnancy had been traded for a clumsy hand job in their bathroom. And what scared her the most was that it wasn't even intentional like it had been with Lewis. She just picked up the scissors without even thinking and cut it. And kept cutting it until it hit her jaw.

She grabbed one of the pillows off the floor before dragging one of the blankets across David's chest.

And she willed herself not to look at his face while she did it. The phantom pain had receded, but every time she looked at him, she saw Dominic, and her gut would twist. Hard. Like being pinched with a knife. It was an unforgiving pang of emptiness and it was too late in the night to deal with that.

She swallowed thickly, and laid again by his side.

If she closed her eyes and just held him she always felt better. Safer.

She inhaled the crisp scent of his freshly laundered shirt, and the small hint of soap she could still detect on his neck. She didn't feel content without Dominic between them, but she did feel comfort, she thought. She brushed his body with her thumb, stroking the planes of his ribs where his heart beat.

"Only for you," he used to tell her. "I was made for loving you...It's only for you."

She closed her eyes feeling tears come on again, wondering and part of her knowing they'd never have that again. That purity in their love for each other. The one thing she needed most was lost to her. She stifled a hiccup against her bruised ribs, succumbing to the agony of it all once more.

She wanted so badly to go back, and do that day differently. Wanted so much to feel Dominic inside her again or at the very least she wished she'd gotten the chance to hold him in her arms. Without that closure her arms just ached and ached all day. She had non stop throbbing. And it wouldn't go away. She wouldn't wish for it's absence though. It was all she had left. Her milk had long since dried up.

While in the hospital she pumped, unable to deal with the pain of feeling her breasts getting heavy and leaking. David obliged her. But when they got home and she was able to care for herself again, she made it a point to stop. She couldn't pump it out, that only made it last longer. She just had to wait until it stopped. It took weeks. But it did. _Finally_.

And then that was an entire episode. Every morning, David would pad her bra and send her off for the day. And then one morning she stilled his hand.

"I'm done. It's over."

She had said it with some strength, but then she'd begun to sway, and cried all day about it. All of this on the eve of their one year anniversary.

What a highlight to celebrate their first year of marriage.

She sniffled and started to sit up and pull away, but David had shifted beside her, and his heavy brown eyes fluttered open on her face. They stared at each other until she couldn't look at him anymore.

"Non andare." He begged. "Voglio che tu rimanga." He cupped her face. "Stay with me."

"I need to take a shower," she explained, feeling squeamish at the feel of her slip sticking to her skin again.

He ignored her and kissed her lips anyway. "You had another dream?" He asked thumbing her tears away.

She nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. Savoring the taste of him. Their intimacy was mute to none. So whenever he showed affection she held onto it.

"What was it about this time?"

She shrugged stiffly and shook her head. She had no desire to try and revisit the images that brought her out of her sleep. She felt him kiss her again. This time he went for the side of her temple, and the soft spot by her ear.

"I love you," he whispered. "You're ok. You're home now."

There was that guilt again. "I really need to take a shower."

"Me too," he mumbled.

Though he attempted to conceal it, she could tell he was hard as a rock underneath the blankets as he leaned up coming to sit by her side.

She swallowed the knot in her throat, feeling another wave of anxiety mixed with hate for herself at not being able to fix that for him. They hadn't made love since she got back from the hospital. Mentally and emotionally she just wasn't ready, and wouldn't be for a long time. She still associated sex and intimacy with the baby and she needed time to detach the two again. But well before that she had to climb out of depression. She was so raw, so empty anymore. She hardly felt anything more than her tears on her cheeks. So ultimately, having sex again so soon after the attack would've had the complete opposite effect on her.

Never mind the obvious.

She wasn't ready to love another baby, just yet. She didn't want to replace him. She considered getting back on the pill but at her age, she was terrified that she'd never come off it. David could of course, always wear a condom, but they'd have to order them special online and she wasn't really interested in an opening that conversation just yet. And while it was known that they could do other things, she knew herself and she knew her husband. Knew that everywhere else was second to feeling him completely inside her.

She needed time.

"Did you get any sleep?" He touched her back but quickly pulled away feeling his hand dampen.

3 hours.

She shrugged. Nodded. It was more than usual but she needed a few more if she was still serious about going back to work tomorrow.

"If I make you something will you please eat it? You haven't had a full meal since you got back. You're running on fumes, and I think it would help."

Unlike he anticipated, she had lost weight instead of put more on. "Will you make me some eggplant?"

His eyes widened. It was the first time she opened up to him. Gave him an inch to help her. He put his hand back on her but this time he didn't care that she was wet. "Of course, I will." Whatever you want, she heard him say silently with his eyes. She squeezed his hand, and let him go.

After her shower they met each other again upstairs in the studio only this time she sat down in front of a full plate of linguine with eggplant on top. The food was hot, and it melted in her mouth. Most of it running right through her. It was really good. And he was right. It did help. She felt her eyes getting heavier with each bite.

He watched the whole time, his own appetite soothed with a spoon and a pint of ice cream.

"I think that was the worst one." He said of her earlier nightmare. "You haven't had one that bad since we've left the hospital."

He wasn't wrong. The nightmare had been reoccurring but it hadn't gone on for so long. Usually she'd get bits and pieces. Never one long continuous scene. When she woke she'd been visibly shaken up, and exhausted. So tired and frustrated. Hot and sticky. As if she'd spent the last three hours working in a boiler room.

"It's only going to get worse before it gets better."

"Or maybe you were triggered."

She didn't respond. "Maybe it's a sign that you shouldn't go tomorrow."

Back to work, he meant. She'd been out of the precinct since the attack two months ago. It was time. Her maternity leave was soaked up. No one on her squad would talk to her, but she had a few rookies keeping an eye out on them. And she knew Dodd's had been to see Don and Fin twice now. They were already talking about replacements….

"I have too," she said flatly.

"No you don't. You're not well. You're not sleeping, and when you do you don't start until after you've cried half the night in my arms. You're still having nightmares. This is the first meal you've eaten since you've been home and I'm-" His voiced trailed off to conceal the thickness in his throat. "I'm worried about you. "

Her heart broke, hearing the sadness and desperation in his voice. He wasn't crying but she could feel his pain all through her body. It radiated like raw heat. Felt like she was standing too close to the sun.

"I'll be ok, David. I know it doesn't seem like a good idea to you, but I have to go in. I have to start and try and get things back to normal. If I don't I'm going to lose my job. And I can't lose that on top of everything else."

She had to admit, saying that out loud sounded ridiculous, but he didn't understand trauma management. After Seal View, after Lewis, she went back. She always went back. The first couple of days were always difficult. After Lewis it took months for her to find herself again, but getting back into routine helped. It was natural that her logic was that this time shouldn't be any different.

Trauma is trauma.

"You can't lose-

He cut himself off, starting to get upset. He threw his spoon down and discarded the ice cream. "Your job? That's what you're worried about? What about me? What about what I've lost? What about what I need?" He grabbed her wrists tenderly and enveloped his hands with hers tightly. His eyes all raw desperation. "I mean have you even considered what all of this did to me? What it's still doing? You almost died. That sick son of a bitch almost killed you. He almost took what mattered most to me in this world. We haven't had time to heal and you want to go back?"

She was weeping freely now. Her cheeks flushing a bright red. "I don't want to fight with you," she began. Her voice working on autopilot. "I wish I could explain it better but this is how trauma recovery works. I'm choosing not to give into what happened. I'm trying to get better…for you. For us. Because I love you, and I miss you David, but I don't recognize myself anymore. All I see is this perfect world you created for me and our baby, and without him I feel out of place….You have to let me do this. I have to go back, to get me back," she closed her eyes. Whispering the words like a prayer as more tears fell on her cheeks.

He let go of her hands and pulled away. "Right. I forgot. That place is more apart of you than I am."

The way he said it, challenged her feelings for him and her lips quivered. "David, please. Try and understand. I don't see another way to grab back onto normalacy. If I-"

"You could grab onto me. Choose me. Let me be the one to get you through this, but I guess that's too much to ask. That's too difficult for you. You'd rather bury yourself in rapists and victims, more death, more pain, then be with me," he scoffed. "I understand completely."

She tried to touch him but he pulled away and got up from the couch. "David-

"What? What are you going to say to me? Are you going to tell me you love me? You expect me to believe that when still after everything, you're running back to that place. We lost our baby, and you're worried about your job. Yeah it's real nice to know where I fall in the spectrum."

A beat.

"That's not fair. You know that I'd do anything for you." She got up from her place on the couch as she wept, and followed him to his side of the room. Her voice cracked and pitched so high she sounded twenty years younger. "You know that I love you. That I'd lose my mind without you. David, you've given me so much- a life I never thought was possible, and all I want to do is try and get it back. I don't want things to go back to the way there were. I want us back. All of us-"

Her knees buckled and she fell into the nearest chair so overcome with grief at saying that out loud, she didn't know what hit her.

They sat together in silence for what seemed like an hour. Until her nerves had swelled in her throat. And she started to get the unnerving urge to throw up all of the food she'd just consumed.

"If the roles were reversed, I'd drop everything for you and you know it. Because I'm committed to you, and our marriage. And what are you committed to? What are you married to? Your desk? I haven't touched a single case since that night. I've been too busy, cleaning up after you, taking care of you, waiting, praying that you'll come back to me. That I'll just get lucky one morning, and you'll look at me and smile and tell me you love me. But no, I've gotta compete with your job." He said as he piled their dishes together. "Let me ask you something. When do you plan on dealing with us? When do you plan on figuring out how we're supposed to heal or come back from this? What do I have to do to get you to put me first? Do I have to make an appointment downtown or should I shove a broomstick up my ass? Maybe then you'll take me seriously." She didn't answer. Just stared at him. Her face completely flushed and flu-like. "Look at- I don't even know why I'm going there with you. Lindstrom okayed this? He's letting you go back there?"

In accordance with her grieving and the trauma, she'd been seeing Lindstrom regularly once a week. Something David was also extremely vocal about objecting. He hated that she was confiding in someone other than him but be swallowed it just like everything else and she was worried about him bottling so much in side…

"I passed the test."

His jaw thickened. "Whatever, do what you want. But if you walk into that precinct tomorrow morning, your job isn't the only thing you're going to have to worry about losing."

He opened the patio door, and walked out into the night, leaving her behind in the study. She finished her plate, swallowing the tears in her throat with every bite. Hopeless and vulnerable to every painful thought in her head. He really hurt her and as much as she wanted to keep a distance between them, she couldn't. They couldn't leave things like that.

Especially not when she knew he was just afraid. She cleaned up her plate and zipped up her sweater before following him outside. She found him curled up on a lounge chair.

"Still planning your escape?" She asked coming to sit by him. He rolled his eyes and averted his face towards the sky. It was all black and purple, and yellow. She could barely make out his face, but she heard him sniffle.

Silence engulfed them under a quiet hum. Like the buzzing of bees. Or the dance of cicadas. She felt him lean close to her body, and reach for the hair he wished was still there.

"I'm losing you bit by bit," he said. "I can feel it in my bones, Liv. And I'm terrified because I don't know how to stop it. Holding onto you is like trying to hold onto water anymore. Is it so wrong that I want to keep you in my arms, where I know you'll be mine? Where I know you'll be safe?"

She turned towards his voice.

"I'm always going to be yours, baby. Always. Tomorrow doesn't change a thing."

"It changes everything. I'm not ready."

"Neither am I."

"Then why? Why is it so important for you to go in?"

"I'm going to lose my title."

"It means that much to you? More than me? More than us?"

She shrugged. "It's my home-

"This is your home."

"No it isn't. Without you I would never have any of this. My place is there. With my squad. It's my freedom. And my independence. Without it I lose control of my life."

"So now you're saying this is about me taking care of you."

"No. I'm just saying, that it's my safety net."

"And you feel like you need that? With me?" She didn't answer and he swallowed the silence. "And what happens when you get pregnant again?" She felt his eyes on her. "It's going to happen. None of this changes what I want with you. What then?"

"I can't answer that right now. Another baby is the furthest thing from my mind…" her voice dropped an octave. "But I do know, that if it happens, I'm going to do things differently." She kissed his fingers. "I promise."

He pulled his hand away."That's not enough."

She climbed on top of him forcing their proximity together. "It has to be…" she held him as she rested against his chest. "But the good thing is, we have a few more hours together. And I want to be in your arms for each of them," she whispered against his neck.

David didn't respond other than sheltering her shoulders from the morning chill. "Please, Liv. I'm begging you. Don't go," she heard him say.

But she had.

And to everyone's surprise, including her own, she walked into the precinct, 7am sharp.

Carisi had been the first to notice as he came out of the snack room with a fresh coffee and a case file in his hand. He looked at her and then frowned before plastering an awkward smile on his face. "What the hell are you doing here?" He said it jokingly enough, before anxiously tugging at his tie.

"I work here," she chided. Pushing her chin at him. "Where is everybody?"

He neared her to reach his desk and sat down. "Amanda's out on temporary sabbatical and Fin's just following up a lead with TARU downstairs."

Carisi was talking to her with a professionalism that bordered on fragility. Her stomach did a flip. "Amanda's out? What happened?"

He leaned back into his chair and continued to smile thinly at her. "She's just taking time off with Jesse. There was a case that came through here, kind of shook her up, but she'll be back."

And that wasn't the only hiccup either. Fin was happy to see her but with Don around he was quick to make clear that he was only interested in answering to their old Captain. He didn't even bother to fill her in with what he found in TARU. It was extremely frustrating and not at all what she expected on her first day back. She almost felt like no one wanted her to be there.

To combat the authority issue, a few weeks later she released Don and prepared herself to return to work full time. It was for the best, she told herself.

Not only was she tired of Fin, Amanda and Carisi treating her like shit, but she was also tired of waiting to see results from Cragen. When she factored in that he still hadn't found her attacker. Despite briefing her almost everyday on progress, so she could have an ounce of closure, the decision was easy. There was no fault to him, she just couldn't stand the defeat anymore. Especially since she knew he was doing everything in his power to get answers. But it was hard to not be aggressive. Don was stepping on his tippy toes around her. And things with David didn't just gloss over like she hoped. He didn't seem to snap back the way he usually did. He would barely speak to her when she got home, and as she saw last night, he really didn't have a reason to. So that meant the ball was in her court. It was up to her to take control and fix her marriage. And she couldn't do that until she knew her attacker was gone so the healing could begin. She needed that for both of them.

Because he hated her right now. Her husband, by design was a giver and a doer. But he wasn't giving anything anymore. He stopped doing. Little things like sending texts to see how she was, making sure the light was on in the foyer when she came home, visiting her on the job- he stopped. Ceased to care about anything having to do with her. Within a few weeks of her return to work, he resumed his life at the firm. And that included long nights at the office. Meetings. Phone calls. Light travel. He lived and operated like a ghost. He wasn't the same. He was colder. More detached than he'd ever been. And that was scary, considering they both always considered her to be the one who was out of reach.

She tried not to think too hard about it though. People grieve differently and work had the desired effect on her. She just wished she wasn't so alienated from the one person in her life she needed most. Not when slowly but surely she was regaining herself again. Because it wasn't so easy fighting for herself. But fighting for other people, she could do all day. She was harvesting strength for herself. And being proactive on the streets made her want to be proactive at home. She started cooking again. Eating again. Reading books in her spare time here and there. They still weren't making love- she had no desire- but she assumed that her urge would come back soon. After she got over this darkness…She still had her nights when she just cried herself to sleep no reason. Still couldn't face Dominic's room, or any mention of him. She had a long way to go, but working was a start.

"Are you sure you're ready for this? No one's expecting you to come back full time so soon." Don had said, hovering by her office door. "I got another month or so in me."

"No. Really...I feel good. I'm glad to be back."

"How's David holding up?" He tilted his chin up at her paternally.

"He's...trying," She said with a small smile. It was true. Even if he wasn't speaking to her, he was trying to be ok with her not being there. Trading the bed for the badge. "He's trying to heal in his way..."

"He's a tough guy like the new DA. Maybe you'll be able to knock some sense into him," Don said gently. She flashed a small smile. Even after all these years he was still giving her orders. She was going to miss him.

"I'm excited to meet him," she answered softly.

"Well he'll be here at 3pm on the dot. He's kind of a prick about stuff like that. You sure you can handle it?"

She nodded and got up from her desk. "Listen before you go, I just want to thank you for-

Don put up his hand and stopped her. "Olivia. You've been through enough. You don't have to thank me for anything. I'm glad you called, and if you need anything else I'll be around," he told her.

She nodded concealing her sadness behind a smile and wet eyes. "One more thing before I go. I've been trying to get in touch with David. Do you have a number I can reach him at?"

Olivia was too caught up in her husband's distress to think about why Don needed to get in touch with him. David wasn't answering anyone's messages, including hers. It was his turn to grieve and he was just as distant if not more than she'd been when she first came out of her coma."Yeah he's going through a really tough time," she sighed, suddenly exhausted at the thought of him.

She scribbled down his emergency line from the firm and handed it to him.

"Thanks. Take care of yourself kiddo- oh and Elizabeth's asking for you. She came out of her coma a few days ago."

"Thank's I'll get in touch."

As difficult as the transition was the day went on without fail and before she knew it, 3pm was knocking on her door. Fin entered. "Liv, the new ADA's downstairs. Do you want me to send him up?"

"No, tell him I'm on my way down."

She had been inside the precinct all day. It would've been good to get some fresh air. She followed Fin out and walked towards the elevator when she felt a familiar pinching feeling in her abdomen. The phantom pain. Again. She breathed through it and pressed her thumb against the elevator dial, willing herself to stay steady. As soon as the doors closed she pulled out her phone to call David but he didn't answer. She listened to his answering machine, painstakingly feeling her heart break even more in the moment. "Hey, it's me. I thought maybe when I get home we could do something. Spend some time together. Talk maybe." her voice sounded. "I miss you. Let me know when you're going to be ho-

"Mailbox full." The operator voice cut in, and a bone chilling air flew through her skin. More distance…she swallowed and hung up the phone before walking over to the front desk at the station. It was packed with walk-ins and common street thugs.

"Lieutenant Benson," she flashed her badge at the officer on duty. "I'm looking for ADA Peter Stone."

Before the rookie could answer a voice sounded above her. "That'd be me."

She looked up to her right and saw a man staring down at her. He had a small professional smile plastered on his face, meaning to be polite, but brimming with skepticism. He was tall. Like David. But instead of the dark, mediterranean features her husband had, this one was golden. He had a hard, stern physique but there was a gentleness to his eyes. She didn't know why but something about his stare felt comforting. He put out his hand. "I've heard lots of admirable things."

She took it, and was almost shocked at the feeling. She hadn't been touched in weeks- in any capacity. Not since that first morning she'd left for work. She savored the contact feeling a sterile warmth start to take hold.

"Let's talk outside," he offered. "There's so much I want to know."

And did he ever. The man was extremely thorough. And while she had doubts about him initially, he was easy to manage. In the wake of her trauma, the only person she wanted to work with was Rafa, but Stone seemed eager to learn and parallel to how she'd been warned about him, there was a lot she was going to have to teach him.

When she got back to her office she had her arms full with that fact, so to take her mind off things she decided to visit Donnely at the hospital.

Upon entering she broke into a sweat, and it hurt to talk, hurt to be in the same hallway where she'd been treated for her attack. The staff was extremely accommodating though, and she was ushered discreetly to Elizabeth's room.

She was so thin and frail from the surgeries and the coma. Her skin was a pale yellow, from the damage to her liver, and her eyes were glassy. Olivia's mouth dried as she considered David sitting by her side, hauled up for a month while she looked like Elizabeth. She gathered the courage to walk in and the woman immediately turned to look at her.

"You came," she rasped, with a smile. Olivia sat the flowers she bought by her bed. "I didn't think I was going to see you so soon."

Olivia smiled at her and pulled up a chair. "I wanted to see you too. I'm so glad you're ok."

"Those are beautiful," Elizabeth said of the flowers, before slowly closing her smile. "I heard about what happened. I'm so sorry," she held out her hand for her to take, but Olivia was indifferent about it and instead she shrugged forward with her shoulders. "What are the chances of us both ending up on our asses?" She stared ahead and a nurse came in with two cases of chocolate pudding. Elizabeth offered her one, but she declined feeling Dominic's ghost start to creep up on her.

Chocolate wasn't banana but pudding was pudding.

"How's David holding up?"

"He's….trying," Olivia said with a small smile. It was true. Even if he wasn't speaking to her, he was trying to be ok with her not being there. "He's trying to heal…"

Elizabeth nodded. "You ever get in touch with Barba?"

Olivia cleared her throat. "This is about what you wanted to speak to me about? Before?"

"That's the ticket." Elizabeth scooped a spoonful of her pudding.

"He reached out. We haven't gotten a real chance to speak. I shut down for a while, but he said when I was ready we should meet."

Elizabeth arched her brow. "I''ll spare you the trip. My secretary comes in today, and tells me one of my pawns got wind of something from IAB. Tells me your case and my case are being joined together. I suspected this was going on before everything went down. I tried to warn you but the son of a bitch got to me first. Your old captain say anything to you since you back?"

Olivia frowned. Joined together? IAB thought the same person who attacked her, tried to poison Elizabeth? And Rafael knew about it? And who got to Elizabeth first? "No. He hasn't said anything."

Elizabeth scoffed. Not surprised. "I didn't think he would. IAB's probably up his ass. Those suits aren't so loyal like Ed Tucker, but the pipe leaks all the same. So I say to myself, 'That's a coincidence no? You and me both get taken out within weeks of each other. We must have someone in common."

Olivia's eyes widened. Her mouth drying to paste as her skin paled and started to clam out. "Stuckey," she heard herself say.


	24. It Still Hurts

_I just want to write a quick thank you for everyone's support and love during the conception of this story! At some point it capped at 100 reviews, and I'm so grateful for everyone's input! You've all given me such a warm welcome, returning back to fanfiction and I can't thank any of you enough! I also want to quickly thank you guys for your patience and understanding with the updates. It was brought to my attention that FanFiction was merging new updates. I'm sorry for any confusion this has caused. I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story, and please, if you have any questions don't hesitate to reach out!_

 _vintagesvu_

 _Then_

 _August 2016_

Stuckey wasn't even in the state the night she'd been attacked. He had been transferred to a facility in New Jersey years ago after failing to acclimate with the other inmates at Sing Sing so it wasn't him. Which was odd, considering the nature of Elizabeth's poisoning but she had no choice but to assume their cases were uncorrelated and let Mike Logan continue the case in Homicide. Which she loathed. To pour insult on injury, Dodds stuck his prospect, Ted Randall on the rear of it.

Ed assured her, that Ted had an alibi but she was still extremely uncomfortable with him. Especially after that stint in her office. She didn't trust him with her case and she could feel it in her gut that he had something to do with it.

It made for a mute point at work. Most days getting through the day was next to impossible when all she could think about was that her attacker was still out there. Still running the streets. Or worse- harming other women. She didn't know how to navigate her feelings. She and Fin were usually at each other's throats, and Amanda was completely out of the loop mentally. The only person she could depend on was Carisi but he lacked much of the experience and maturity she needed to lean on.

Suffice to say, life at home and at work, was a mess. And for the first time in her life she felt completely alone.

"Come on, you know that's not true." Lindstrom chided. His fish eyes almost gently mocking her with his old smile. She swallowed and flashed a smile of her own, damn near rolling her eyes at how insane she must've been to want him at one point in her life. He was a good therapist. Soft voice, very understanding, but just as old and lanky as he wanted to be. Everything from his muted suit to his pastoral linen shirt screamed Christian Mingle 65+. But in times of deep trauma it's known that people often have sexual desires for anyone that listens to them, and makes them feel cared for. It wasn't uncommon. Just unflattering.

She meant to switch providers shortly after the episode with Lewis, but she held on to him. He had a nice office. Not too cozy, not too cold. In a way it reminded her of her own at the precinct. And they had history together, he understood her, so when everything went down with the baby he was her first call.

"What else am I supposed to believe? No one's talking to me. If I suggest a plan or try and steer any of them in any kind of direction I get throttled into the back of the line. They whisper behind my back. Fin doesn't give me the full story if I ask him about evidence or statements. I have to be someone I don't like just to sit in on an interrogation. There's a lot of tension."

"Do you think maybe they're trying to protect you?"

Protect her? She had to laugh. It was a little too late for that. "From what?"

"Maybe they feel they're being righteous by keeping you out of the loop. Maybe they feel like it's better if you're at home than on the streets with them. It would explain the conflict. You're ready to come back, but maybe they're not ready to welcome you. You know how this goes. Trauma effects everyone. Didn't you experience something similar after Lewis?"

To a degree, but things were different back then because she had Nick and she had Brian. Nick never made her feel different or excluded. In fact he was her biggest champion. He spoke up for her when no one else would. Nearly everyday he advocated for her and would say, "I think Liv should take the lead, did you speak to Sergeant? What's Olivia say about this?" He was so inclusive all the time. And then she'd go home to Brian who'd offer his arms and a cold beer. But not this time. This time round, she didn't have anyone in her corner and David was apart of the fallout.

"Lewis was different. I had safety nets. This time I don't."

As if he'd been reading her thoughts he said, "You have David." But he didn't know the half of it. She and David had fallen into an unforgiving place since she returned back at SVU. Like he promised he would, he'd completely abandoned her when she left for work that first morning. Their anniversary passed without mention. And to add insult to injury he had actually spent the night with Abbie. She decided to get dinner for them and surprise him at the office for the occasion, but he had already eaten with his partner. She found the two of them laughing and joking around over pizza and beer, so she went home and spent the night with a bottle of wine instead.

"No I don't."

"How are things between the two of you?"

She felt her eyes sting remembering how passionate they used to be. All the little things he'd do for her. Send her flowers. Tell corny jokes. Read to her. Hold her. Plan with her… Their backlog mission was at a standstill. Just like the rest of them. They didn't entertain anymore. His nieces hadn't come over since she'd been in the hospital. Their whole world just stopped. Maybe she was to blame for that.

After their fight he just stopped trying.

She shrugged. "They're uh…different." Her voice cracked.

Lindstrom's eyes narrowed at her.

"You still haven't made love?"

"No I can't," she croaked just as her throat began to close.

"You're still grieving." He said more than asked.

"I don't want another pregnancy," she clarified.

"Ever?"

She shrugged. Unable to keep the tears from falling that time. "What I want is to hold my son," she said. Her voice barely a whisper. "I still don't have any closure for him. I wake up and my whole body just aches- maternally. And it makes it very hard to move on from what happened. Let a lone work up a sex drive. And even if I had one- there have been moments where it's all I can think about- David and I are very uncareful. That's just our way. So it's off the table until I say so."

"What about intimacy? Are you able to share that at least?

She sniffled shook her head no. "I want him to hold me, but I don't want him to want me. Or love me. Or have anything to do with me. It's…very confusing."

"It's confusing because your placing blame when there's non to be had. Don't start with the self loathing. You have to put yourself first. Denying yourself the opportunity to heal and embrace love is just another practicing form of self harm. You're only adding to the trauma. He's your husband. You love him so much, I know you do. After Lewis I was worried you wouldn't ever open up to someone again and then David came along and you two built a life together. Don't be so quick to throw it all away. These feelings you're having about wanting him to reject you, they're coming from a place of punishment. And I get that. You feel responsible for what happened and you feel that you need to be punished, but Olivia….What happened to you and your baby. That wasn't your fault. And David knows that."

She smirked behind her tears. "He hates me for going back to work."

"Have you spoken to him? Given him a chance to clear the air? You said he bottles a lot inside."

She flinched remembering their latest fight. The violent way he shouted in her face when she came through the door last night.

"He does."

"He's probably got a lot to say on his own. And if you haven't given him the time to grieve with you then I could see why he may be object to your returning. I know it's hard but you have got to understand, you both went through an extremely traumatic experience. I'm sure it may feel like you're alone in this. That no one understands what your feeling but the only one who might is David. He was there. It was his loss too. Give him some time even if it hurts and you think it might be hard. Sometimes you just have to sit with the pain and embrace it and let it consume you before you get better. Denial, and turning away or sweeping it under the rug is only going to prolong the wound and it doesn't have to be that way. You have someone now. And I think whatever the outcome, wherever you fall, David is going to be there to catch you. Don't give up on him. You may get some of that closure you've been searching for yet."

Closure.

Her favorite word.

She'd sooner end the backlog before she saw any. The re-traumatization of her loss just kept hitting her like a revolving door. And the latest knife in her side had been the worst yet.

She knew it was coming, but she still hadn't expected it to hurt as much as it did. She hadn't expected her breasts to ache. Or for her stomach to twist in knots so tight she couldn't even stand up straight. Hadn't expected a paste like feeling would clog and dry out her mouth. She hadn't even expected the identity of the person who would come forward and stick the knife in.

And as she stood there being clung to and nurtured on by the shoulder, harassed for photos of her would be, nearly three month old son, she froze for a moment. Unable to find the words.

"Actually, it didn't work out," she heard herself say.

Rita Calhoun's enthusiasm deflated like a popped balloon. She didn't see any pity in her face but it was laced in the tone of her voice. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she tapped her shoulder. "Do you want to talk in my office?"

The lawyer shifted her weight onto her other leg. "Actually, I'm late to meet a client, uptown."

She felt like she'd just walked right, smack into cement. Her whole body erupting in numbing sparks from the collision. Pity. Fear. Isolation. The unspoken climate in every person she'd come into close contact with since losing the baby. She looked at Rita and let her know without saying anything, that she was a bullshit liar, possibly a coward, and walked into her office in dismissal. And like she knew he would, Fin came in hot on her heels, shutting the doors and closing the blinds behind him.

"Are you-

"Don't." She threw her hand up in his face. Her blood was running so thick and warm, she could feel her jugular jumping under her jaw.

"Look, I'm worried about you." Oh. Here we go again.

"I'm fine," She spat.

"Liv-

"No, you know what. No. I'm not some helpless pushover who can't do my job. I'm not lazy, I'm not disorganized. I'm a good cop. I'm the Lieutenant of this squadron, and everyone I talk to keeps treating me like I'm some walking disease. And I'm sick of it. I lost a baby, it happens. I can do my job. I can still do my job."

"We know that. I know that."

She got into his face. "No, no you don't. None of you do. Rita Calhoun doesn't. Amanda doesn't. She still looks at me like I'm going to break. Carisi keeps asking me if I need something. And you keep running after me, like I don't know where or how to stand. I lost a baby, not who I am. I'm still me. And I would like it very much if everyone would treat me that way. I've dedicated my life to this job for over fifteen years. It's taken everything but my life from me, and all I'm asking for in return is for a little respect." Her voice cracked. "I think that it's the least you can do."

Fin folded his arms as he stared at her. He knew better than to try and console her at this point so he put on a brave face and started going through the list.

"I hear you. I do. But your ass came walking in here less than a month after you got home from the hospital. Yeah, you're 'running this shit' but you've got everyone fooled but me. I know you. You're not yourself. And what happened to your kid is messing with you in ways that's got everyone in here looking over their shoulder."

Olivia rolled her eyes and scoffed. Couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. Didn't know where to begin or where to even start to argue.

"Look," he went on, taking a comforting step forward. "No one is questioning your capabilities to do this job. You reached legendary status a while ago. But as far as Carisi and Rollins getting under your skin, you're just going to have to deal with it. Every single person in this squad loves and cares about you. We just want to make sure that you're being good to yourself. Taking it easy."

"Yeah well that's not going to happen. I can't," she said as she straightened her back. "The minute I do, I start thinking about him. And I don't want to."

Her knees gave out and she slumped into the couch in her office. She felt like she just got into the ring with a heavy weight champion.

"I take it things aren't better with David." Fin sat with her.

"We're just going through a rough patch."

"Can't be that bad. He's outside."

She whipped around so fast her head started to spin. But the flutter in her heart quickly vanished once she saw Abbie loosely hanging over Officer Reese's desk and David not far off.

To get back at her for the whole work thing, he'd been seeing Abbie regularly. Instead of seeking her for shelter he turned to his partner. It had been an ongoing thing for a while now. It hurt that he chose her but she wasn't in her right mind to analyze it anymore than she could get over the trauma. She stepped out of her office and approached them. "What are you doing here?" She croaked.

Anyone who was listening in on them could hear the mixture of surprise and relief in her voice despite the obvious air of their dynamic being off. She had just finished crying over her visit from Rita and he was still doing that, 'I'm happy with someone else' thing. They'd never been so out of sync. "I just came by to tell you the news about Liz."

His tone was flat. Uncaring. Cocky.

"What's wrong? Is she ok?"

He handed her a folded envelope. She opened it and pulled on her glasses to examine the black lettering. _New York Honorary Judge Elizabeth Donnelly, Dies From Organ Failure Following Assault Poisoning._ Her heart plummeted. The heavy muscle fell into her stomach and she felt the blood drain from her face as pins and needles started to prickle her cheeks. Her eyes filled with acid and then started to severely burn. She folded the paper back into her hand. Cleared her throat. "When did it happen?"

"Last night. Unos couldn't get a match in time."

She heard him but her mind was in a million different places. Her thoughts carrying her as far back as the Barnett case all the way up to that fateful day in her chambers. She wiped her eyes, feeling a mixture of sadness and ease knowing that she'd been there to catch her when it happened. As scary as that day had been, she was glad she made her choice and met with her anyway. She afforded Elizabeth more time. The secretary probably never would've found her or if they had it would've been too late. So going that day was a good thing. She just wished, she'd gotten to see her one last time.

"There's going to be a private service for her at St. Patrick's this Sunday."

"Ok." She sniffled, and dared herself to get closer to him. "Is that it?"

"We can't stay, we have to meet a client uptown."

"Alright. Be safe." Out of instinct she leaned in and kissed him full on the lips, and not only did he not kiss her back, but he physically pulled away. It hurt. Like a slap on the face. She swallowed the knot in her throat and tried not to show how much his indifference hurt her.

"I'll see you at home." He announced.

She felt her throat close up just as the bile started to rise up her throat, and ran her fingers gently through her hair before turning away. She wasn't sure how much longer she was going to be able to take it. The hatred. The distance. Lindstrom posed her initial need for this kind of behavior as punishment, but this was starting to run deeper than that. She felt the will to heal but every time she made progress, someone was always around to make it worse. She spent the rest of the day on the brink of tears until it was time to pick the kids up from school. Their first weekend back with she and David could not have come at a better time. The girls always made her feel good.

She stood in the middle of their playground waiting with a smile as both girls came running up to her with sheer excitement on their faces.

"Zia!" They both screamed, damn near toppling her to the ground with the force of their hugs.

"We're going to have a sleepover?" Mia's eyes widened.

"All weekend," Olivia promised kissing their cheeks.

"Yessss!" Both girls jumped at each other, before taking both her hands.

"Zia missed you guys so much," Olivia told them.

Later, she combed Isabella's hair with her finger tips while she rested on her lap. The dark tresses felt like silk and it was just as soothing to her as it was to her niece. For their first visit things were going well. She only cried once after Marisol dropped off their clothes. And it had been more over her surprise pregnancy than anything.

She and Ed were expecting a baby boy right around the time that Dominic would've been born and for a moment it all just got to her. She was happy for both of them. It hurt in a lot of ways but she still wasn't any more ready to move on, so she didn't let it get to her.

David was a little upset about it, but they pushed through together. Despite his absence he had been there to hold her hand through that. And it gave her hope that in time they'd find their way back to each other.

But until then, she was making due with the girls. With Mia in the kitchen studying her homework, and Isabella curled into her side, she felt content. More than she had in months. The only thing she was missing was David whom still hadn't come out from his office to be with them. He was supposed to watch the movie with them but he never came out. And now the show was over.

Isabella gave a telling yawn and sat up with the credits. "Are you ready for bed, Mimma?"

She nodded. "Thanks for staying up with me, Zia."

"Of course, baby." She said softly, as she cleaned up their plates. "Mia, are you almost done sweetie? You want to pick up where you left off tomorrow?"

"Yes! I'm so exhausted I can't even feel my face." She dropped her head dramatically into her text book and Olivia cracked a smile.

"Come on you two. Showers and bed."

The girls hopped together and ran off upstairs leaving her to clean up the mess. She didn't mind. It was actually kind of bittersweet she thought as she rinsed off their plates. By the time she finished the girls were almost done with their bath time and she walked in on them sitting side by side whispering to each other. And immediately it was obvious they didn't want her to hear.

"We can't sleep," Mia announced as she turned to look up at her.

She expelled a sigh of relief, glad that it was something she could fix. "Really?" She came over and sat with them. Made sure they were both tucked in. "Do you want me to read you a story?"

"No." Isabella said as they both shook their heads.

"Did you say your prayers?" Again, they both shook their heads. "Come on, we'll do it together."

"Do you remember how to do it this time?" Mia asked.

"I do," she whispered softly, doing her best to smile so they felt more comfortable. They all three huddled and clasped their hands together, and Olivia pulled both of them into her arms and held them while they started to pray whispered words in Italian. They were soft. And gentle. Pure and innocent like they were. And while it was known that she had always struggled with faith, just listening to them gave her stillness. And it felt good. She quickly found herself more calm and more at peace than she had been in for a while.

She closed her eyes as both girls kissed her cheeks at the same time and she kissed them.

"Zia?" Isabella whispered.

"Yes my love?"

"Is baby Dominic an angel?"

The question caught her off guard and she didn't have the strength to speak. She knew that if she tried she'd burst into tears and she didn't want to do that to them. So she just swallowed. And nodded. "Will my brother be an angel too?"

"No, baby. No." She rang out. Her voice high pitched at the top of her throat. "Your brother is going to be fine. He's going to come right on time. Your mommy's taking special care of him."

"I miss him." Mia sighed into her pillow. Her soft declaration clenching her heart up against the walls of her chest. She had to bite lips to keep from sobbing out right then and there. While her youngest niece reached for her face and wiped her eyes with all the sweetness her seven year old body could muster. "Why are you crying, Zia?"

"Because I miss him too." She said softly behind a smile.

"Don't cry, Zia. We can pray for him too." Her little arms hugged her as she kissed her face to try and make her feel better. "Zia, guess what?" She whispered.

"What?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She held them both, her heart shaking as they fell asleep in her arms. Unable to breathe. Unable to move. Unable to think of anything else other than David. And with them out of the way she could check in on him and maybe find a way to recover from that whole episode.

She found him in his office twenty minutes later staring blankly at the television in his office watching a sports game recap but he sat up hearing her come in. She had to be honest, she was a little offended he wasn't working like he said he was.

"You stood me up for the Giants?" She quipped, closing the door behind her.

"I'm waiting for a phone call." He gruffed, his gaze thick on her.

She caught a better glimpse of his face as he stared at her as she got closer, picking up the girl's school bags. "You shaved," she said, rather than asked.

"It was time."

She threw the bags in the chair at his desk and sat in the one opposite. There were receipts everywhere. Ropes. Tape. Tools. Food. And a huge warehouse design spread out on his desk.

"What are you opening a hardware store?" She asked, frowning at the desk in front of her. He turned the volume down on the TV and scrambled the papers together so she couldn't see them.

"It's nothing. A new venture project," he mumbled.

"Oh," she breathed. Her eyebrow rising with interest. Though he clearly didn't intend on elaborating.

"What is it?" He asked without looking at her. His stare now effectively leaning into the computer screen in front of him.

"I thought we could talk for a while. See how you were doing." His body language didn't change. "You don't want to?"

He started typing. "Was this your bright idea or Lindstrom's?"

The accusation made her throat tighten and her cheeks sting. "Does it matter?" She started.

He studied her again. His dark features completely unrecognizable. "It does matter. It's the difference between knowing if my wife really cares about me, or if she's been reminded to by the guy she used to fantasize about."

She blinked at him. That statement coming in so far left field she didn't know what hit her. After the initial shock she pretended he didn't say anything at all and just went into cop mode. Relentless until she got the answer she wanted. "Of course I care about you. How could you say that?"

He gave her a look that called back to their argument, that took place now a month ago. He was still bitter about her going back to work and he wouldn't drop it.

"We haven't really talked about what happened and now with this thing with Marisol I feel like we need to reconnect."

He leaned back into his chair and put even more distance between them. "When do you have time to do that?"

"I'll make time."

He scoffed as if he didn't believe her.

"You don't think going back's helped?" She heard herself ask.

He didn't reply. And she assumed it was because he knew that going back did on some level make a difference. She wasn't completely out of depression but she was functioning again. That had to count for something.

"It's helped, but you're still not the same. You're not any better, not really." He shrugged. "What do you expect me to do with that? What do you want me to say to you that won't just cause you more pain?"

"I think maybe you have to in order to come out of this. Because I gotta tell you, this thing you're in now hurts me more than you think. And I want it to stop. So let's just get it out on the table."

"You left. There is no table. You chose different, and you didn't choose me. Sorry if I'm not exactly in the forgiving mood." He turned off his computer and swiveled back into the TV.

"Do you want me to retire?" She asked him.

He looked at her when she said that. "No, Olivia I just want you." He said firmly. "I want you. I want my wife back. I want to feel held by you. I want you to look at me and stop treating me like I'm the damn plague. You won't even let me touch you."

"That's not true. We kiss. You hold me."

"But do you want me to?"

The room settled and the silence strangled her by the throat. He called her out on her issues with intimacy and she couldn't run and hide from them anymore than she could deny they existed.

"You want me to trust you with my feelings and you can't even look me in the eye. You want to do things separately. This is what it looks like. I'm healing in my way, and you're healing in yours." He shrugged. "So please. Let's not pretend you're trying to do me any favors."

She pulled back, nodding. As if he'd physically pushed himself into her chest. It took her a minute to find her footing but she did speak.

"Those months I was pregnant, you gave me so much love. Everyday. Every moment. Intimacy now just triggers me. It makes me feel him again but there's nothing there. He's not here." She shrugs. "It's like I lost a limb. There's phantom pain. I wake up in the middle of the night and the pain is _paralyzing_. Everything hurts so bad I can hardly endure it and the doctor's tell me that's what's expected over a hand or a leg. I've lost my heart. And I've tried so many ways to get over it, but I can't. That has nothing to do with you, or how much I love you, David. I don't want to live without you."

She could but she sure as shit didn't want to.

She swallowed carefully. "I know…it's been a long time. I know that you have needs. And I haven't been fulfilling them like I should be-

"Olivia." He stared at the ceiling and turned around as if he couldn't stand the sight of her.

"But this has been…really the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. Nothing I do feels right or is making it any easier to get through. But I do know, that if I didn't have you by my side…I wouldn't be able to come back from this at all." She wept. "I know it's going to be a while before you trust me again, and I respect that…but please," she whispered. "Don't go so far away. I can't bare it."

He lunged at her, the desk groaning as he pushed it out the way to get in her face. "How shallow do you think I am? Hm? Since when did our marriage amount to how much sex we have? You get up every morning and walk out that front door and I'm the one that's far away?"

She quickly wiped her eyes as if he didn't already see the tears streaming down her face. "You didn't kiss me today in front of Abbie." She said that, clearer than she thought she would.

"You approached me in the middle of precinct. In front of everybody." He said, as if it was the most obvious explanation in the world.

"That never stopped you before."

"You wanted me before. It's not enough that you reject me, you have to do it in front of your friends too?"

He neared her again when he said it, and she instinctively took a step back, adding fuel to the fire. He laughed. "You're unbelievable."

"It's not you-

"Please don't say 'it's me.'" He cut her off. "Don't do that. Don't insult me like that. I know you - I know you better than anyone else, and _it is me_. I'm the one that's making it hard for you. You don't know how to get through this any other way but on your own. I get it, but Olivia it is not normal. What you're doing, pushing me out. I don't understand it. And what I can't seem to wrap my hand around is why? Why marry me if this is how you want things to be between us? Why get pregnant if you were going to keep him from me. You wouldn't even tell me about him until you were two months along. Do you have any idea how much pain you've caused me? How much pain you're causing me still?" He got closer. "Do you have any idea what I would do for you to love me again- or at all, if you never did in the first place?" He echoed. "No, you just get to be the one to decide whether we go through this alone or not. And I just have to watch the woman I love melt away because it's the only thing she's given me consent to do, right?"

"That's not true," she repeated. "You don't understand."

His hand found its way around her throat and he squeezed the pulse there tenderly. "I understand perfectly," he argued as he towered dangerously above her. "You don't want me."

"I do," she wept. "…David please."

She held her breath. Until the beating drum of her heart became a deafening ring. Her ribs cracked open, and she felt everything bleeding out on the floor and she was helpless to stop it. Vulnerable to let trauma creep back in again. She couldn't move. She couldn't think. She couldn't breathe. .

 _Sometimes you just have to sit with the pain and embrace it and let it consume you before you get better. Denial, and turning away or sweeping it under the rug is only going to prolong the wound and it doesn't have to be that way. You have someone now. And I think whatever the outcome, wherever you fall, David is going to be there to catch you. Don't give up on him. You may get some of that closure you've been searching for yet._

He leaned his head into hers. "Don't worry, Liv. I couldn't leave you even if I tried. Trust me," he gritted out. "I know."

He let her go.


	25. Last Time

**_Hi! I'm back! Please thank killerquen32 for this update._**

-Highly recommend listening to The Gospel of Mary by The Milk Carton Kids while reading this one. Totally optional, and not necessary But I recommend it when you reach "Her heart skipped a beat staring down at him." The lyrics have almost nothing to do with the plot but some of the words and DEFINITELY THE MELODY work. If you listen to something else though let me know in the reviews. See you at the next one!

* * *

 _Then_

 _October 2016_

"Don't you think you've had enough for one night?" David asked as she poured another glass of wine. She'd gone through a bottle and a half, but she hardly felt it. He didn't know how good she was at holding alcohol.

It was one of the few lessons she learned from Serena, and while she did her best to make sure she never abused the habit, she made damn well sure to take advantage when she needed to.

Given the state of her marriage. Now was as good a time as any.

"We'll split it," she said softly, pouring the rest of the bottle into the glass. It was a deep red wine. Crimson. The kind that would stain your lips if you weren't careful. She took another sip and closed her eyes feeling her body start to tingle and set into a permanent calm for the night. The same as it did every night for the past three weeks they spent together hauled up in the Hamptons so they could reconnect like he wanted.

She was glad she went. Going made her realize how much she still needed him, and how much she still loved him. It was a painful 21 days she knew, but she was glad she had that time with him, lately everything he did seemed so final. The way he kissed her, the way he held her. As if he was holding his breath, waiting to tell her what she feared he'd say since coming out of her coma.

That he couldn't get over losing the baby anymore than she could.

That he was tired of being tired, and that they should take a break. Some time apart. Not anything serious like a few months, but something fickle like a few weeks. He'd move back into their old condo. Their lives would continue as they had been. Silent. An imbalance of coexisting and grieving and uncertainty, but it'd be easier to do little things like breathe, and sleep at night. And he'd get addicted to that. The ease. The routine. The way that cute yoga instructor with the tight ass and the fake boobs smiles at him on the way out the door to the office. She'd slide in right under his nose.

She smirked to herself, almost wishing he would go for a woman like that.

But that wasn't his way. Not really. The reason why it was so easy to fall in love with him, when they first met was because she saw so much of herself in his character. Emotionally, they were a lot a like. She never had to worry about other women when they were together because David never let anyone in. Never let anyone get close. In his world there was just her.

And his partner.

The way Elliot had she and Kathy both. Though that was hardly the triangle she wanted to think about. To imagine- to acknowledge what was going on between Abbie and David was strapping herself to an ongoing carousel, she swallowed thickly.

"What's the special occasion?" She heard him ask, as he played with the hem of her dress.

Let's see.

It had been five months to the day since the attack. Almost four since she'd been up out of her coma. They were finally on the mend. It was time now to take things down another notch, and get back into the swing of things again. She didn't have a choice anymore. Or time to figure out how to forgive herself and let go. David was due for another trip half way across the world tomorrow. Another month whisked away with Abbie, who texted him six times last night asking when he'd be back.

His bags were packed. His briefcase was by the door. All of it staged so canonically, as if it were the basis of a major character development for a prime time TV show. He'd left little bits of him upstairs that she'd have to remember him by. His razor. The smooth executive cuts of stationary paper from his office. The latest book he'd read on traveling sea expeditions. All the things that had carried an echo the man he was. All the things she'd grown to love. And want. And miss.

She took another sip as she felt fear paralyze her again.

She already lost her son and now she was losing her husband. Would lose him if she didn't do something before this trip.

While they were away, she headed Lindstrom's advice and faced everything head on, and what she couldn't seem to handle she used David as a clutch. Even though she cried most of the time, it opened her marriage to a deeper layer of intimacy she didn't think existed, and suddenly life seemed livable again, but there was a dark cloud over every step she made towards her healing. Though they were talking, he was confiding in someone else. She would tell him everything and he was mute as a clam which was hard to digest considering it was him that begged her to stay. He didn't want her to leave and yet he was the one that kept disappearing all hours of the night to God knows where.

Emotionally he was further away than ever. And now she was just supposed to pretend like this trip wasn't going to change anything between them.

The last time he'd left for a considerable amount of time he came home with a Cancun tan from a spa in ski alps Switzerland. And while he claimed nothing had happened, and she on some level made peace with it and decided to look the other way, she knew that his story was a far stretch from being true. But she was married, and the baby was coming…Her life was right where she wanted it to be. She would've believed anything if it helped her cloud the thoughts threatening to ruin her perfect world. He kept her well fucked, well fed fed, and the backbone to live freely. She couldn't have asked for anything else. But now there was no baby, and their marriage was hanging by a thread. Her life mirrored more closely with to a prison than any call in the wild.

This time, when his fidelity was being called to question she couldn't convince herself that nothing was going on. Or that nothing ever would.

Though the thought was just as unsettling then as it was now, she had so much more to consider. She already let him spend their first anniversary with her, she wasn't about to let him spend the rest of his life with Abbie too. Despite everything that happened and all that was going on, she couldn't dispute the fact that David did love her immensely. That they were worth fighting for, and no matter what came in her future, she wanted him in hers.

So the special occasion?

She shifted her legs so he could touch her skin. "You," she said softly, dragging her polished finger nails along his arm.

He scoffed. A look of confusion on his face. "What?"

She could tell by his face he thought she was joking, but his tone was a mark of confusion and anger. A brief and bittersweet shortcut to more indifference. It made her face tingle. As if she'd just been slapped in the face.

"You're leaving tomorrow aren't you? We always make love before you leave for a big trip."

His expression dropped. His eyes softened but he only grew more frustrated and tense.

"Liv. No. You're drunk," he moved his hand away from her thigh and held up the wine bottle for emphasis.

Her eyebrows arched. "I'm not." She was offended he thought that. After Elliot she drank and slept her way through her life. Every relationship she had was a drunken after thought. Her entire track record with Cassidy had been carried on variants of Chardonnays and Malbecs. She was more intimate with the experience than she cared to be, but when she met David he changed all of that. When they were intimate she made sure she was always present with him. She wanted to be. Never wanted to miss a minute of loving him or being loved by him.

She thought he knew that.

"You are." He bit back. "You've been drunk the whole trip. Or did you think I wouldn't notice you going in and out all hours of the day?"

She fell asleep two a clock in the afternoon by the pool. Once. If he wanted to throw that in her face she didn't really care. He hadn't been home anyway. He said he had to run to the store, so what if she let herself go for a little bit. That was the point of the trip wasn't it?

"I'm not- I wasn't. I was just trying to relax…get some sleep" She said again, this time pulling on his sleeve. "Come on. Sit down. Sit with me."

He glared at her. His strong brows furrowing. "You need to eat something. You're melting away, and this isn't helping."

He took the glass away from her and disappeared into their kitchen. She flinched hearing the cabinets slam shut behind her before he came back out holding a meatball sandwich.

"Please eat it," he said, sitting down next to her, but he turned away before she could detect the look in his eyes.

Was it anger?

Sadness?

Disappointment?

She couldn't be sure. She just knew that in a few minutes it wouldn't matter. She licked her lips and tasted the wine on them as she slipped out of her heels before straddling him.

He turned away again but she ignored it. She was too caught up in his devastatingly good looks. When she woke from her coma and found out about the baby she made a point to not look at him for two reasons. One, she had been too heartbroken to face all the things she had lost in him that would have inevitably been in their son. And two, she was terrified that she'd find nothing but blame in his eyes. Resentment. Hatred. He never let her see that side of him, but she knew it was there beneath the surface, so she stayed away.

Until now.

Her heart skipped a beat staring down at him. Though the year had aged him, he was still the single most handsome man she'd ever seen in her life. He had the darkest hair, and the darkest eyes. The thickest eyebrows and the most perfect lips that would kiss her so sweetly…His tan olive skin was so beautiful and his features like the rest of his body was so hard and strong…

She always felt so safe in his arms. The way he touched her, and held her, made her feel like there was nothing he wouldn't do to protect her. Oh how she loved this man…

This perfect, irresistible man.

She palmed the side of his waist catching the fabric of his shirt with her fingers just so she could feel the muscles underneath them.

His body was hot, his skin naturally warm blooded compared to hers. Curling up to it after they made love was suffocating sometimes, but it felt good in the night. He was her favorite blanket.

Feeling him tower over her, their bodies pressed together while he was moving inside her, making her cum. Stretching her open again quickly became all she could think about.

They couldn't end here. Not tonight. Not like this. When there was so much they still could do together, she thought silently. She didn't want to share him. She didn't want to lose him. For one night, she just wanted to pretend everything was fine and normal. Get him inside her. Get him to remember how good they could be.

She shivered feeling his hand cup her face and tuck her hair behind her ear. Her body responding instantly like she knew it would with her guard down after so many months. Desperate to know and feel that he still loved her on some level.

"No." He whispered, stroking her cheek.

The word made her face sting. As if it were a derogative. She clenched her jaw together and sat against him, if only to pretend like he hadn't hurt her for the second time that night. She kissed his face lovingly, "It's been so long for us. You're really not going to-

He eyed her, locking her legs in place to keep her from moving against him."To what? Sleep with you while you're two bottles in?" - Like that's stopped him before.

Her throat clogged with an air tight bubble that sat in her chest at the reality that he probably just didn't want her anymore.

She must've said that out loud though because he kissed her. And then he kissed her again, making her mouth sore with each press of his lips. "I want you. I do. I want you. But you're forcing yourself, Liv. You know it and I know it. Even if your body's ready, you're heart's not. And I'm not doing that to you. I don't want our first time to be like this. You've had too much to drink. You're numb."

"I'm not drunk." She said it louder than she meant to, and he quieted. His dark piercing eyes narrowing at her.

"How many fingers am I holding."

She glared at him unamused. He was holding two, and- "Not enough to get me warmed up." She leaned up purposely and guided him between her legs so he could feel that she wasn't wearing anything underneath. Her breath hitched feeling him explore the softness there.

His touch alone, after so long, took her breath away. And she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her heart thudded heavy under her chest as his hand started to slide back and forth between her folds.

Daringly she rocked against his forearm. Amazed at how much she wanted him and how quickly she was falling apart.

The one thing she'd deprived herself of for months was the one thing that may have been able to pull her out of the hole she'd dug herself into. Her heart quickened at the thought and the room filled with her cries the harder she moved until she finally felt an overwhelming sense of heat rush through her.

She panted above him, waiting. Asking for permission to be kissed. He held her as silence engulfed them, and every moment was spent with him searching her eyes until he had the courage to get closer. Her eyes lowered on his lips watching them near and then run back to his so she wouldn't miss him. She didn't want to miss a moment of this.

She flinched feeling his lips brush against hers. Her breath hitched as he tried again. This time his tongue slipping under hers. He took her breath away. With every pull and twist, he took her breath away. And she felt herself unravel completely into him. Into warmth. Into darkness. Back blindly into loving.

Without safety. Without reservation.

"I- I don't. We don't have anything here to protect you. We haven't even talked about-"

"It's ok. I trust you," she opened up his jeans and pulled him out. His last wall of defense finally crumbling to the floor when she started to stroke him. She gasped as he gripped her. Kissed her. Got closer. One hand secured in her hair the other under her dress, locked underneath her hips.

They were passionate and hungry, and sloppy, both of them silently fighting for dominance with only the whisper of their kiss to goad them on.

And it all escalated so quickly...Before either of them had time to stop. Or think.

She moaned as his lips pulled away and started to suck her jaw and her neck. His kiss so heavy and warm. He was gentle with her nipples but ravenous with her breasts. Rough with his lips but soft when he started to stretch her again for the first time in months. It hurt. It really hurt. It had been too long without him, and her whole body went stiff. To help it, he immediately pulled her closer and captured her mouth again, until she felt the strength to wrap her arms around him and take control.

Let her keep the pace until she felt the comfort.

" _David..._ " She sang silently into the night.

 _"Just let go, Liv. Let go…_. _Let go, let go."_

She felt confidence uncurling in her gut, and slowly started thrusting her hips into him.

She forgot how intoxicating making love with David could be. How utterly suffocating. How pleasurable, and fulfilling, and endless. She panted hard as her second orgasm came, shattering between them. The ease of their stroke so familiar and fluid. And easy.

He kissed her softly in-between each gentle thrust he took deeper inside her. His fingers planted against her clit. Their eyes locked on one another as they met each other again, and again, and again. Even after her eyes started to blur and flood, they kept the pace, slow, steady and deep.

"Keep loving me, just like that," she whispered softly. Her voice barely a breath against his skin. He felt so perfect, and so right. Even if the union was bittersweet and riddled with swift images of their past. He felt so perfect. Like ointment on a wound. She leaned into his touch feeling him swipe at her eyes and her and kiss and soothe every part of her.

He felt so good. Everything felt so good.

She moaned feeling her lips twist as he kissed her hungrily. His lips tasted like salt and sea mixed with her. His fingers embedded in her hair, holding her in place, as he started to thrust harder now. " _Still and always my love…_ " he whispered, holding her closer. She groaned feeling her clit jump and another soul shattering orgasm rippled out of her.

She panted against his shoulder, her lips running open against his skin as she felt herself eclipse. Until he finally began to slow down. His stroking now more deliberate and delicate.

He spun her around and planted her firm on the cushion of the couch so he was on top, and hooked her thigh around his hips.

" _Oh god yeah, fuck me_ ," she breathed.

He didn't disappoint either. Her cries rang out in the room as he assaulted her, moving with urgency, force and determination. She couldn't even begin to put into words what he was doing to her. The sheer essence of his love making stole the words from her throat. She only knew that she felt alive. And loved. And fierce.

The security she felt knowing he was still able to love her like that, make love like that, kiss her like that, hold her like that…she knew no matter what they were going to be ok. They would survive their loss, and maybe find their way back to each other.

Her eyes closed instinctively as his head fell against hers.

Their bodies connected forehead to forehead.

The whole world silent as they panted together. One breath. One heart beat. One love.

She buried her fingers deep in her pussy, desperate to make herself cum again as he started to thrust harder now. Until at long last, she exploded everywhere. Her whole body shaking in rapturous torrents, sucking him in deeper.

" _Yeah, come on,"_ he urged her, his hand coming around to lock around her throat. " _Come on, come on."_ Her face swelled as she lost all the air in her head. The power of her orgasm all but numb as she struggled to breathe. He groaned as she rolled them on the floor. The lock he had on her breaking as she towered above him. He tore the dress off her back. His hands now free to trail along all the stretch marks she still had from carrying their son. He leaned up to hug her and kiss them all while she struggled to keep the pace.

 _"Oh god, liv...God, Liv...,"_ he wept into her shoulder. She hugged him closer and tried to kiss as many tears as she could away. While he held her hips in place and took all the control. It still wasn't enough. He caught her waist mid stroke and shoved her onto the table. Face down. Legs spread. All the decor sprawling on the floor as he lined up with her entrance again. Her body now slick with everything she'd since gave. She moaned feeling him enter again. Inch after inch disappearing back into her body. Both of them grunting and moaning as he fucked her hard and deep into the wood.

 _"Don't_ stop," she cried. _"Don't stop..."_

Even when her body began to bruise against the table. Even when she started to tender from all the orgasms. " _Don't stop_."

She didn't know when or how long it took for him to slow down and catch his breath, but when he did, he gathered her up and turned her around so they were face to face again. He lowered so they were close. Their arms and legs completely wrapped around each other. He stroked softer now. Gently. Her body now slowly sliding with the sweat on her skin as he captured her lips and they kissed.

But in the middle of it, she began to feel warmer. Fuller. Throbbing-

She tensed up.

"N- don't" She shoved him, and hurt herself feeling David pull out too quickly and then twist awkwardly back on to the couch. She looked at him half sorry that she hurt him, half terrified that it was too late.

"What? What's wrong?" He reached for her, a horrified look on his face. He said it more than asked and it gutted her. He quickly grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her, before shoving his clothes over him. "God damn it, Olivia-

She stood up on her feet weakly hoping gravity would take.

But she could barely stand. Every second or so her legs would give out and force her to sit.

"Liv…" She knew her face was flushed from the sex, but she could tell he was devastated by her all the same. And that just made her want to cry more.

"I'm sorry," she croaked holding the blanket tighter around her.

Both of his hands came around her face. "What are you apologizing for?" He asked quietly, wiping her eyes.

For pushing you out of me, she wanted to say. But it wasn't his fault. She should've been more careful. She knew the risk and she begged him anyway. She should've known that after so long, they'd get caught up. Or maybe they always got caught up…

"I wanted you. I did. I-

"But you weren't ready. Like I said. Why did you lie to me?" He shook her head. "Why did you lie to me? Why did you do that?"

Making love out of fear that he'd leave her for Abbie seemed too ridiculous to say out loud now. So ridiculous it didn't even sound like the truth. Maybe it was more than that…she thought silently. Maybe she was just trying to find normalacy again. Get back to that place when things were good between them, because they _always_ slept together if he had to go away. If they hadn't she would have had to add that to their already long list of marital casualties….

And she was just so tired of losing. She didn't want to go through that again. So for her. The choice to sleep with him..she wanted that. She did. It felt good. She missed it, but she was also painfully terrified of something happening. And that was on her not him.

"I didn't lie. It's ok," she whispered. Standing on her toes to kiss him once more. Her body coming to a stillness as she felt him running down her thigh. "I just got scared. That's all. Nothing's going to happen. I'm fine with it. I just didn't expect you so soon."

"No, I'm sorry. I should've asked, or warned you, or told you I was getting to that point." David said quietly. He was on the brink of breaking down again and it was evident all over his face.

"I led you on. I wanted you. I wanted to feel you inside me again. It wasn't your fault." Her voice sounded again. It was ruined and broken like everything else, but her vocal injuries had had come from a good place. Just like their loving. And she meant every word.

"That doesn't give you the right to take the blame. Or make what just happened ok." He argued.

She shrugged. "We can both be blameless. We love each other. We made love."

"You weren't ready. Not for that. Not for this."

For the possibility of another baby, he meant. She didn't want another one. She wanted Dominic. But she couldn't grieve him anymore the way she was grieving him. Life had to go on. As painful as it was to imagine, she couldn't deny it anymore than she could stand to accept it.

"You're right, I wasn't," she admitted. The panic, fear and the grief of losing the baby came rushing back. And she felt the air escape her lungs again. "But I had too… We had too," she heard herself say mechanically. As if she were trying to convince herself of that fact too. "We should be intimate again. I need you and I miss you, and I love you." She held him in her arms again.

"So are we trying again?" He asked, holding her face against the moon light. Losing Dominic gutted them both but seeing Olivia in pain everyday butchered David in ways he couldn't speak for. He thought trying for another baby would help things, but she was so uninterested in sex that he never pushed. He just trusted that she would come to him when she was ready, but by her reaction, it was clear that wasn't the case.

She leaned into his touch. "I just want you to know that I'd do anything for you." She kissed his hand. "You mean the world to me. And I know I haven't…I haven't been there the way you've needed me to be, but that doesn't mean I don't love you. And that I don't want you. I love you with my whole heart, David. Like I've loved no one else and I don't want to ever lose you."

David pulled her in closer. "You are never going to lose me. Never. I love you more than anything in this world." He kissed her. "I just…I don't want you to hurt yourself Olivia. Ever. Not for me. Or anyone. And I don't want you to worry, and I don't want you to be afraid. All I want is for you to be happy. That's it. That's all that matters to me. Don't worry about the rest. When I get back, everything will be go back to the way it was. I promise you, everything's going to be right again. You'll see. _Ti amo più della mia vita_."

Olivia closed her eyes as they began to flood while he hugged her and kissed her. The sense of finality had returned. And while she spent the night safe in his arms they were unforgiving and rich with uncertainty. Even crueler was the morning as it crept deep and soundless taking with it all her dreams of life.

* * *

 **Uh oh.**


	26. Chuck

_Then_

 _November 2016_

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Olivia glanced up at Stone who was towering above her in his office. They had been going at it for three days trying to find a loop hole for a case they'd been working on, and she'd just about had it with not making any breaks. She was bone tired, cold and irritable, so she'd kept her mouth pinned shut to keep from showing an ugly side Stone hadn't met yet.

Not only that, she was completely strung out over the fact that David extended his trip. Instead of the known about month he'd been gone, he took an additional week to himself somewhere along the Persian coast. She wasn't even sure he'd be home for Thanksgiving.

It hurt.

And unexpectedly, she was starting to feel the way she used to. Abandoned. Alone. Started feeling the need to compromise and put his needs first, before her own, just to make him happy. Just to keep him interested. To get him to stay. It devastated her beyond what she could comprehend that they had somehow found themselves on the wrong side of the road. She believed completely that David was going to be the last man she'd give herself too. That he was the one, true great love of her life, and yet he was slowly turning into the very person he promised he'd never be. He was turning into all the men that came before him. And it broke her silently, watching him unravel into that ugliness.

To claim sanity, she very carefully tried to hold onto him. Even though she hadn't been the ideal person to keep for company, he stayed true and steady through all of her highs and lows.. He remained committed and promised that he still loved and wanted to be with her. But one day he just came home and was different. He was off. He didn't care about affection, and he didn't care about tenderness. All he cared about was privacy. Personal space. Skin.

She bit her lip remembering their last night together. The urgency they both shared on their living room couch of all places.

He cared about that.

But not about the fact that they were falling apart. Becoming less and less honest with each other. It was exhausting. The whole thing.

Exhausting.

"I'm so tired I can't even see straight," she said as she closed the case file. The warming sunlight coming through told her it was mid afternoon, and if she stayed any longer she'd waste another work day curled up in Stone's office.

"You can take the couch if you want," He offered. "I won't judge you."

They both smiled at each other. Well, she smirked more than smiled.

Stone was an interesting card. Funny. Not perfect by any means. He had a long way to go if he was serious about representing SVU in the future but aside from that he was pretty decent. He had a friendly air about him that was comforting, but his school boy edge had her on high alert for his frat mentality. Which only really showed when he was trying to be professional. In the court room he could be a huge ass and they disagreed a lot when it came to victims who had a darker gray area than others. It was going to take a lot for him to come around, maybe never, but his personal side was far more likable. Gentle even. He spoke with ease about everything. Even when he was frustrated. He was calm and cool, and always knew what to say to make her smile. Even if it was just a small joke hidden under his black humor. Simply put he was irresistibly charismatic. Out of all her colleagues he was the only one who treated her like a normal person. But then she imagined it was because he knew all about loss too.

His sister died not long ago, and somehow they bonded over that. Over loss. And grieving, and they got closer.

"Trust me, I want nothing more, but I can't stay here again" she said as she started to stand up and gather her things. "I've gotta get back to SVU. This isn't getting me anywhere, and I need a fresh pair of eyes."

She felt his hand on her back. "Hang tight, I'll get you a copy of the briefing." An in depth copy of all the information they'd collected and angles they were going to try and pursue in court. In all honesty, she wasn't looking forward to it. He really did have a flip side, and she was anxious about the court date and him slipping up again.

She put on her coat and shoved the rest of her things in her bag.

"What are you doing later on tonight? Want to get dinner?" He asked without looking at her. She watched him lick his thumb and brush through the pages on his desk, working quickly to get her everything she needed in haste. Her mouth dried. It was like she was looking at David's ghost. They were almost the same height. Both lawyers. Both emotionally detached and far off from her norm. Both offering a new and fresh feel. But Stone was all hassle free. No drama. No anger. No resentment. Just open. And healing. He was by all means the perfect rebound for all the trauma she'd been through, but she knew that if she gave into him she'd be running. Which was what Ed accused her of when they were together. Running when things got too hard, too complicated. _When you love someone, you make it work Olivia. You don't give a damn about anything else but the person you're with. That's how it's supposed to work. That's how it's supposed to be. Didn't your partner teach you that?_

Her cheeks burned. "Let's take a raincheck, I really need to go home and get some sleep."

Stone shrugged. "Yeah. Do whatever you need to do," he stacked the papers together and handed them together. Her heart tripped feeling his thumb brush against the back of her hand. "If I don't see you, give me a call."

She nodded and walked out the door without so much as a second look back. Too afraid and unsure to consider what all the time spent had meant. She closed her eyes, walking the hall by memory with each heavy step. Trying and failing to not think about his touch. Or how much time they'd been spending together. There wasn't anything sexual about her thoughts or his intentions but it felt wrong. Being so off guard with Stone while things were so hostile with David threw her whole energy off. She just wanted him to come home so they could be together again.

She boarded the elevator with a sigh.

"Rough day?"

Her eyes flew open and saw Ted Randall with an evil smile barely there on his face. She glared at him. "You look flush, have you been taking your vitamins?"

She wasn't entertaining a conversation with him so she threw her hand into the elevator to keep it from closing, but Randall aggressively pulled her back. The contact alone locked her spine so she was paralyzed to move. The trauma of her attack was still raw and she couldn't think or remember any of her training. She could only feel the knife like grip he had on her arm that was digging into her ribs.

"Wait a minute, aren't you going to say goodbye?" He smiled devilishly, and when she didn't say anything his face dropped all together. "How long are you going to keep us on this wild goose chase of yours?" Randall taunted. "You're wasting the tax payer dollar for what? Shits and giggles-

He made a comical clown face at her and she flinched.

"Hey!"

Olivia blinked watching Stone shove Randall into the elevator wall, his hold on her breaking almost instantly. The two men wrestled for power with Stone gaining the upper hand with his height and strength. In a two point move, he had him pinned to the wall and two fingers on the close door button of the elevator.

Randall grinned darkly. "Are you assaulting an officer counsellor?"

"You want to talk about the law?" Stone twisted his knuckles into Randall's chest. "Here's my opening statement. An unauthorized agent, who's been temporarily placed in the NYPD without credentials just threatened one of the highest decorated commanders in New York City. There were witnesses. And when I saw him get physical, I intervened and told him very nicely to get the fuck out of dodge before my fist found its way through the wrong end of his windpipe."

Randall turned his gaze at Olivia. "Does he wag his tail when you give him a treat too? Or is he just like every other guy that seems to walk into your precinct? Goes weak in the knees every time you blink? Yes lieutenant. No lieutenant. Fuck me me lieutenant."

Stone couldn't hold back any longer and before Olivia could pull him back, his fist had struck Randall clear in the face. A loud crack could be heard and he fell to the floor with blood running down his nose. But even then he was laughing. Stone grabbed her arm gently and ushered her off the elevator as soon as it opened. And together they ran down the hall, but even in their haste, Olivia could hear him screaming from the elevator.

"I know what you did! I know what you're doing! I know! I know!"

She felt like she was going to throw up.

The frosty winter air was quick to shelter her, and slowly she came back. First her heart slowed, and then she regained her head, just as she felt Stone's hand on her back again.

"Olivia are you ok?" He asked, trying his best to shield her from prying eyes.

She took his hand off her. "I'm fine."

His back straightened up and his energy shifted almost immediately. He went from concerned and caring too distant and orderly. Mirroring the likes of a soldier more than a friend.

"Are you hurt?"

She stared at him. "You shouldn't have done that."

"You should've seen the look on your face," he bit back.

Her shoulders shrugged. "I just froze."

"No you didn't. You went back to that night. He triggered you."

"I had it under control."

Stone scoffed. Mumbled _bullshit_ under his breath.

"Yeah and what are you going to do about it?" She stepped up to him. "Break every guys nose that makes me feel uncomfortable? You'd lose your license so fast your head would spin. You think I haven't been in the room with a million guys like Randall? Or worse? I can take care of myself."

"That's not your job anymore," Stone yelled at her. She blinked, surprised that he was so passionate about the subject. And so oddly " well informed". "It shouldn't be," he tried to explain, his voice now lower. He sighed and recomposed himself, only to get closer than he had been before. "I can tell by the look in your eyes you've been around the block a few times. And you've got your squad, and your unit. But you're alone. You've always been alone. It's written all over your face. And look," he got closer. "I'm not stupid. I know we've only known each other for five minutes, I have no right to say anything about anything. But I've been down this road before. I know what it looks like and feels like. And it's not something anyone should ever have to go through. Especially after loss. I care about you a lot Olivia, I do. I really do. So I'm begging you please, let me help."

"You want to help me?" He nodded. "Learn to control your temper. Get cozy with self control. Then you can think about being there for a friend. But until then, I can't entertain any idea with you because you're right. I have been around the block a few times. And I spent over ten years of my life with a man who behaved just like you did back there. He thought he was protecting me but all he did was hurt me. He hurt me more than anyone ever did in my life because he was hurt. He never learned. And then he gave up and he just left. So hear me when I tell you the world doesn't need more right hooks. I don't need that. I don't need more violence. Or some big show of strength to know that you're on my side or trying to do the right thing. Get me?"

She waited until she was sure he understood. "I don't know what's gotten into Randall, but I do know that I'll get to the bottom of it much faster being compassionate and level headed than I will by raging through and tearing things apart. I'll figure it out, I always do. And in the meantime all I need for you to do, is to brush up on your homework before this case next week. It's going to be a tough one, and this woman needs us."

She turned away before he could reach for her again.

Fin was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for her with a car watching everything.

Seeing him standing there all she wanted to do was get in the car and go home. But that was hours away she remembered, and time had been extremely unkind for the rest of the day.

Back at the precinct she couldn't get any work done. Even after a power nap. All she kept thinking about was Randall. The way he cornered her. The sound of his voice. How familiar it all seemed.

And Dodd's busting in to suspend her for running and not intervening. A phone call from an equal higher up demanding an explanation. And let's not forget, the most anticipated piece of all; an explanation for Randall's odd choice of words.

Wild goose chase. Wasting the dollar. I know what you did. I know what you're doing.

None of it made any sense.

She started to nurse a headache when an unexpected knock came to her door. Randall's new mentor, Mike Logan from Homicide. She leaned back into her chair watching him close the door.

"You were the last person I expected to see," she exhaled.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry." He began.

"Please, don't be. I'm sorry. I should've done something. Intervened or-" she threw her hands over her desk and stood up.

"Hey kid. He was way out of line. And it cost him a broken nose. So he'll wise up. But it wasn't your fault. I heard what happened. PTSD is one hell of a slippery slope."

"So you're here to pep talk me," she smiled softly.

"I'm here because your girlfriend's been worried about you. Call her sometime. Maybe it'll do you some good." He said at the door.

Olivia nodded, remembering that she had two very real, very close friends that she hadn't seen or spoken too since she got out of the hospital. Both women were smart enough not to confront her at the precinct but they badgered her softly with texts and emails and phone calls during her off peak hours. Liv, call me. Liv, I miss you. Liv, it's me. Just want to know if you're ok.

She never responded. She should've but she never did. She didn't want to face them or anything post attack. Wasn't really a smart or even a healthy way to move on, but so far so good.

"Listen, Mike. Before you go. Ted said something to me at the end, that I can't shake."

"What?"

"He said that I was wasting tax payer dollars by sending everyone on a while goose chase hunt. And that he knew what I was doing."

Mike frowned. "He was talking about your case- He's delusional."

Olivia's heart stuttered quietly. "Have you guys been able to find anything?" Her voice failed her but her eyes were wild and all fire. Being a decorated veteran she expected that there would've been a bit more interest in her case, but within less than a week everything went quiet. People stopped coming to her saying they'd catch the guy. No one had any answers, no one told her anything or gave her any new information. It all just got swept under the rug. It hurt her like hell, but she couldn't take offense. Her people- her close people told her it was a dead end. And she accepted that, but it didn't stop her from keeping an ear out.

Mike quieted and pointed to the couch, which she of course allowed him to take. He quieted a moment, as if he were trying to find the right words, and then took a leap and shot off the brick. "About a month ago. Maybe a little more. We caught a break. Some guys from IAB- a friend of yours helped us out. We gotta tip and we thought we found a pattern between yours and Liz's case. It made sense. The three of you had a lot in common. You, Liz, and the perp. But there was an alibi and we needed smoking gun to completely rule him out. So I went back to the drawing board and I found a partial print on the rim of your car."

"My car?" Her eyes squinted. "Melinda swept it. She missed that?"

"No. She didn't. She ran it and it came back with a match but the system came back with classified files. Everything redacted. Name. Address. DOB. I thought it was just a matter of knowing the right people. Max in TARU, buddying up another captain, but the only person who has access to it is the commissioner and he won't give it up. So either the guy is in a terrorist group- in which case we can't touch him- or they don't want us to find him."

Olivia stood up and paced with that information. Almos too afraid to assume. "What's your gut say?"

"If a terrorist wanted to hurt a pregnant woman, he'd strap her to bomb and take out thirty people or more while he was at it. Your confession, coupled with the timing of this thing is too personal. They know who it is Olivia, they just don't want you to find out."

"But Ted knows?" She whipped around.

"Oh. No," Mike's eyes widened with a comical stare. "Stone gave us a head start with that one. We roughed him up a bit. He didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. That it's an inside job. He's a nut job. He'll never have a career. Crafty I'll give him that, but he's not one of us. He belongs with the suits."

Olivia heard him but she wasn't listening. She just kept overplaying Ted in the hallway. And Don standing in her office, apologizing for not having any new leads to give her. Looking back on it, it was obvious he knew what was going on, she just didn't understand why he felt the need to lie about it. When was she supposed to hear about all of this? And finding out from Mike of all people was a betrayal in and of itself. She was frustrated and irritable about the entire thing and she just wanted to break something and go the hell home.

"Thank you for telling me," she said flatly.

"You can hate me. It's ok." He stood up. "I only waited because I wanted to give you something you could find comfort in. Like 'Hey, Liv. The bastard's dead. Have a nice day'," he flashed his most cunning smile to go with his New York guy charm, though she was hardly comforted. He stuck his chin out at her. "What are you 18 years deep? Long enough to know that no matter what we do, we all just get fucked over in the end. It's the brass. I wish it wasn't. But it is. It takes things from you. Let's make this the last thing," he slapped an envelope playfully at her shoulder before opening her front door. "Call Casey."

She nodded just as her eyes began to water again, and sat back down to catch her breath.

The journey home left her with a lot to think about. Too much. Repressed feelings about Elliot, that horrible fight she and David had before everything happened. The way he begged her to stay…They said horrible things to each other, and then made love to make up for it, but she never quite got over how adamant he was after. She refused him a second time and that's when he started getting distant.

She bit her lip remembering him wrapping her up in a towel. _"I could make love to you all day tomorrow. And the day after that, and after that, and after that,"_ He pecked her lips.

 _"After you just got finished telling me how much you trust me?"_

" _A few days, Liv. Just a couple of weeks- I trust you. I do, but we're almost there. And you keep getting bigger and bigger. I just want you where I can see you until it's over. You've got precious cargo growing in here."_

She'd pulled away when he neared to kiss her some more. He sounded like Dodds. The whole conversation felt demeaning. And when she wouldn't cave he got aggressive.

 _"I'm not asking you for anymore than what's being handed to you. You have a maternity leave-_

 _"And I want to spend every moment of it with him and you. No interruptions. So can we please just drop it? I know what I'm doing. It seems like a lot, but this is important to me. I want that time with him. I need it David."_

She quickly dried off, and put on her clothes.

 _"You're being unreasonable,"_ he said.

 _"Am I? If I asked you the same thing would you do it?"_

 _"Haven't I already?"_

 _"I don't know have you?"_ Even though he wasn't going into the office anymore, or jet setting across the world, he was still working. Every morning, 5am like clock work. Sometimes 4 if she was too tired to sleep with him. Thirty minutes in the gym a quick shower and then back to back conferences while she was at SVU. Just because he could do everything from home did not mean he had the upper hand.

 _He nodded at her matter of factly."I take the calls because you're not here, but if you were-_

 _He shrugged. "I'd cut the line so fast it'd make your head spin." He pulled her closer again. "I've been down this road before, Cara. I almost lost everything because I chose different. Now? Forget it. The only thing I want and need is you and this baby."_

She frowned. _"You think ambition is the reason I'm staying?"_

 _"I know it's not, Liv. But you've gotta slow down. Figure out some balance. We're having a child and you're acting like it doesn't change anything. But it does. It changes everything. If you don't figure this out now, everyday is going to turn into a compromise for you. And I know you. I know that's not what you want. Making those choices is going to break you and it's going to break him and me. So just stop."_

Just stop.

She wished more than anything that she had just listened to him. Could hardly see straight she was crying so much. Wishing.

Wishing she'd done it all so differently.

And knowing that she was betrayed by the very thing she tried so hard to protect twisted the knife even further in. It was vicious. The whole thing. And she couldn't imagine how she was supposed to walk back into the precinct the next day as if nothing was going on. All she knew was that she was ready for David to come home.

When she walked through the door that night, she thought at the very least she'd be comforted by all the things he left behind but it only made her need for him worse. So after a long shower she sat down with a glass of wine hoping to get some sleep, but one sip sent her chucking all over the floor.

* * *

 **More of the same. Turning up the heat next chapter. Reviews appreciated.**


	27. Trying

_Then_

 _December 2016_

He'd become a different person- changed for the worse if you could believe it. She thought she'd seen a change in him before but he was almost unrecognizable anymore.

Because of "work" he missed Thanksgiving and when he finally walked through the door on the heel of Christmas she made the untimely decision to bring up his relationship with Abbie again. But it only afforded her more distance, more fights and more brutally long nights. Sleepless and full of tears.

With time and intimacy they agreed to both put effort into trying to reconnect with one another, but as it turned out they couldn't. Their sex life took a hit. More often than not he started using her for his own pleasure. And when it was over he treated her like she didn't even exist. He would mix it up too. Sometimes they would make love and it was soft, and sweet like it used to be, other times it was hard and rough. Punishing even. That was always the hardest to endure. She felt like it was his way of taking Dominic out on her. That he was somehow trying to hurt her for being so careless. It would feel like he was blaming her. And if it wasn't that, (she had to come up with other explanations to avoid insanity) if he wasn't blaming her, then he was angry with her. Her love. Her existence. Her failure as a wife.

She never once told him to stop though. People have different ways of grieving. If he wanted to hate her, she didn't mind. She hated herself too. She'd look at the bruises he put on her and laugh _._ There was a time when she wore them proudly. When she looked forward to them. They were little trophy's of a job well done. They were both passionate lovers. Sex was usually rough and dominating for them both. But everything felt so different after losing the baby. She yearned and ached for tenderness, but all he did was hurt her even more.

She had to admit, in the beginning it had been her idea to tone things down a bit. She hadn't been in the mood or so believing in his love for her in the immediate weeks following her release from the hospital but a few months down the line she found herself wanting and needing him more and more. Of course by then it was too late. He was frustrated, tired and fed up from waiting. And now he was a world away, and she couldn't seem to find him. They were coexisting. And somehow they became strangers that knew each other very well.

Olivia closed her eyes feeling David's dick kiss her clit with every move of his hips. Their fluids melded together made the contact sticky and slippery so that her fingers got lost every time she tried to play with herself.

Not that she would've orgasmed if she could. Her libido was all over the place. And more often then not they had sex to please him instead of each other.

Nonetheless, her puffy pink pussy lips were just as swollen as ever as David stroked the full length of his cock inside her. With one hand he had her head pulled back taught as he cradled her in his arms. Her neck in full view for him to kiss and suck and bite. While the other massaged her breasts and the rest of her body.

She winced feeling herself bruise against the counter top in their bathroom. Each time he thrusted inside her, he sent her hips deep into the marble. Usually her body was strong enough to take him and protect herself from his weight, but her muscles were like jelly anymore. All she had for support was the mirror and it was hard to hold onto.

Greedily he reached for her breasts and squeezed them. Twisted her nipples, gripped her throat, played with her clit until he finally finished. "We should go to the condo for dinner tonight." He told her as he fumbled with his belt. Her body still shaking from the aftershocks of his orgasm. And pathetically her heart skipped a beat at the thought of getting to spend a little time with him that didn't include her head up against the wall or her legs spread.

"That would be nice," she responded, as she fixed her shirt, finally turning around to look at him. He was standing in the bathroom trying to freshen up with Dominic's nursery hovering behind him like a shadow. That was the other thing to go.

He was no longer sensitive about the subject, nor did he care to know how she was getting by. They never talked about the baby, and for him it was like Dominic didn't exist. In his mind it was like you cancel the problem, you cancel the fall out. He had officially resigned from giving a shit which honestly was most hurtful of all.

Since he got back all he did was treat her like something he invested in by mistake. A bad business proposition that he didn't want to be reminded of. He accounted his success to how well he could disentangle himself from ruin. Why would their marriage be any different? To him, any and all contracts were disposable. _"Nothing is concrete, but the moment, Olivia."_ That was his favorite thing to say to her. Her clit used to jump at how powerful it sounded, but now those very words pushed her into a box. With a lock. And a key.

She blinked away the tears in her eyes, ignoring the bile in her throat, and took a shower so they could go out. For the occasion she slipped into a short cocktail number she'd been saving for when they finally did start trying to move on. It was silver and shimmery. Her back would be completely exposed.

She imagined his hand running up and down her spine in the night. He at last, touching her out of love instead of want. Fickle as things were, she still desired on some level to make him happy. To be the blossoming, doting, head over heels in love, wife she was when they first married. Even though things were rough between them, she did on some level still love him fiercely. And she did want things to get better but it was hard. She wasn't as strong as she used to be since losing the baby. In her heart, she felt like she failed the two most important people in her life. And that fact psychologically tore her apart. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to make things right, or forgive herself, or get him to believe in how good they used to be.

Most days he was completely uninterested in spending time with her, or having a conversation. But then every once and a while she'd catch a glimpse of him staring at her longingly from afar. Or he'd spontaneously come and hold her just because. He could love her just as fiercely as he did in the beginning so she held on. Hoping. Waiting for him to climb out of his shell. Waiting was hard though and the depression she experienced on the day to day was other worldly. And it didn't help that she was over sleeping her mornings, going to work and coming home exhausted. No matter what, it seemed like she couldn't win. So tonight she wanted things to be really special.

She put on her makeup. - Careful to powder up his finger prints along her arm and neck, and met him downstairs.

For dinner they went back to their old condo, where a private table for two was waiting for them in the restaurant that they owned. As per usual the place was booked full, so their intimacy was encouraged and she had a mind to test that.

"You're not drinking?" He asked after she ordered a soda.

"No, I don't want to get caught up and fall asleep on you." Or puke, she thought blankly. She hadn't been able to keep anything down for the last week and she didn't want to be bothered with any surprises tonight.

His expression was thick and heavy on her. "I'll follow my wife then. Just a Coke please," he told the waiter. Then when she walked away he said, "I'm proud of you."

She tilted her head forward asking him without saying anything, not to go there. But all he did was shove his eyebrows to the top of his head.

As he should've.

He had no right on any level to comment about any part of her drinking habits. How she chose to repair herself after their loss was none of his business. Her history, and the way she managed how to take care of herself shouldn't be his concern. The last thing she needed was her husband accusing her of being an alcoholic- on top of everything else.

"So I've been thinking," she told him. Just that fast shoving the topic of her drinking under the table. "Maybe we should go on our honeymoon."

"What?" He frowned.

"You and I never got the chance to have that time together. And the new year is coming up so my holiday season will recycle. We could pack up and leave whenever you want. Go someplace special. Just the two of us." He didn't respond so she added her hand over his across the table. "I think it would be good for you and me. We could talk, and we could plan, and we could go out more."

He pulled away. "I have too much work to do. Now's not really a good time."

"It can't wait?" She asked softly, flashing a small smile, hoping to loosen him up a bit, even bravely getting a little closer so she could hold him. His little lean back to keep away failed to go unnoticed though, and she couldn't hide that his small movement hurt her.

"No."

She nodded gently as if she understood. "Oh."

"I'm pressing forward with a new portfolio. Maybe in a few more months."

She swallowed, bravely holding back the tears that were suddenly and unexplainably sitting in her throat. "I'm worried about you, and I'm worried about us-"

"Don't. Everything's going to be fine. I promised you that. This time next year, things will be different for us. You'll see."

He said it as if he was so sure, and she found comfort in that but his demeanor didn't extend past the gesture.

"With the way things have been between you and I, it's hard for me to imagine anything past the moment," she told him. He gave her a look that made her feel like he knew exactly what she was talking about, and she saw it as an opportunity to really try and reach him. "You've been different with me, and I just want you to know that if there's something going on, or something you need to get off your chest," she swallowed, her body already instinctively stinging thinking about what he could say, "You can tell me, David. Whatever it is, I'll always love you. No matter what."

His fiery red eyes turned to glass, before he dismissed them.

"I just-" He started. "I just have so much anger," he croaked.

She blinked, throwing her hand on his shoulder. Grateful at least that it was something she could handle. "I have anger too," she told him, surprising herself when her voice cracked.

"No you don't. You have no idea what I'm-

He stopped mid sentence, his exhausted eyes tearing from hers to look behind her. Don was approaching them. Her gaze widened and she was taken back by the elder retiree, dressed for nightlife as he approached them.

"I thought I saw you two sitting cozy in the back." He smiled sharply.

"What are you doing here?" She asked with sarcastic curiosity.

"Trying to keep busy outside my apartment," he said as he shook hands with David. "I'm glad I ran into you guys, I've been meaning to visit."

Olivia leaned in closer when he said that. Ever since she found out the truth about her attacker from Mike Logan of all people, she'd felt differently about her old Captain. She expected to hear the truth from him, but instead he had swept it under the rug like everyone else and kept her in the dark. She hadn't forgot about that. If this was his attempt to redeem himself she was all ears.

But instead of bringing up that fateful night all he did was talk about his new timeshare and tell stories about Munch and his latest conspiracy theory. She started to work up the nerve to confront him but one whiff of his cologne paralyzed her until she was forced to get up from the table and go to the bathroom.

It took longer than she expected and by the time she came out Don was just leaving. She started walking back when she saw him pull out a manilla envelope from his breast pocket and slide it to David. Who then proceeded to hide it in his chest.

The two men seemed to argue for a minute, with David winning the last word. By then Olivia was so intrigued by what the hell was going on, she walked back over to them to get the facts.

"What's going on?" She asked both of them.

"Nothing, Liv. Don was just leaving." He picked up his drink to have a sip but remembering he'd only ordered Coke put a stale look on his face. So he quickly ordered a Vodka instead from the nearest waiter.

Don paternally placed a hand on her shoulder. "Keep in touch, will ya?" He tilted his chin up at her and then walked away.

Immediately after, without warning David got up from the table and towered above her. "Let's just go. I'm tired and I want to go home."

She blinked at him. "We didn't even eat."

"Send something to the house then. I don't care. I just don't want to be here another minute." He walked out on her, exasperated by the whole thing, leaving her absolutely stunned.

Suffice to say the ride home was equally as emotionally jarring.

When she finally worked up the nerve to ask him about the envelope he had looked her straight in the eye and lied.

"I saw the envelope," she told him.

He shifted in his seat as if he were annoyed by that. As if he were trying to put even more distance between them.

"I don't want to talk about it." He muttered, holding a finger at his temple and over his upper lip, while he navigated the streets.

"How long are you going to keep doing this to me?" She asked softly, feeling her eyes start to sting. "How long are you going to keep punishing me, pushing me out, holding things in?"

He glanced over at her, and she quickly wiped her eyes, not wanting him to see how emotional she was. He was silent a long time, but then he responded. "A few weeks ago while I was book keeping, I noticed a flux of income on a larger case. And when I looked into it, I found reason to believe one of my Attorneys accepted a bribe. I had Don look into it as a PI."

Her head hung forward. "Why couldn't you just have told me that?"

"I didn't realize I needed to."

He was being intentionally short with her, so she let it go, but it didn't make her feelings hurt any less. The old David would have jumped at any opportunity to prove himself to her, and now it was like he didn't care one way or the other. Her stomach curled as she thought about how different he'd become since she lost the baby, but the only thing that had kept her from throwing up all over dashboard was remembering the first few weeks when he'd brought her home. He never left her side. Never. Not once. She had been the one to push him away.

All he ever asked of her was to stay home, and she refused.

As upset as she was, she knew better than anyone there was no one to blame but herself.

By the time they got home, she'd completely lost her appetite. All she wanted to do was go inside, take off the dress she'd saved and get in bed. Her bones and her whole body ached and she wanted to crawl up next to him and just be in his arms. Apologize maybe. Try and figure out a way to make it right. To make it up to him.

But as she unbuckled her seat belt, she realized he wasn't coming with her.

"You're not coming in?" She asked, staring at him.

"No, you go. I want to get this settled before morning."

"I'm not tired, I can take a ride with you." She offered.

"No it's work. I don't know how long it's going to take." He pressed. His tone cutting into her with painful precision.

But she refused to give up. "So I'll hang out in the office." She tried again. "I can get comfortable on the sofa. I promise, I won't try and distract you. You can get your work done and we can just be together."

He finally gave her the courtesy of eye contact, and pushed all of his frustration into the steering wheel. "Liv it's going to be a long night. I really want you to stay here. Relax. Stay off your feet for a bit. When I get back we can do whatever you want."

She shouldn't have been sensitive about it. After all she had spent the better half of her life alone. She didn't understand why now things were different.

"It's different because you don't want to give up on your life," Lindstrom quipped the next day.

She leaned forward on her knees and wiped her hands over her face. She was exhausted to the bone. If she were honest, she hadn't had a decent sleep since she'd been pregnant. And she hadn't felt this sick to her stomach since Elliot left. It felt like her whole world was collapsing in on her. And no matter how hard she tried she couldn't catch a break. Everyday it was the same game. The same fight to survive.

But she didn't want to do that anymore. She wanted to live. Surviving wasn't enough.

David gave her a taste of what that life could be like and Lindstrom was right. She didn't want to give up on it.

"I'm afraid that if I do, I'll regret leaving and breaking things off. And I'll always wonder, if I had just stayed…if things would've gotten any better. People go through things all the time and they stick together. That's marriage. It's just-" she shrugged coming to a loss for words. "I didn't expect it to tear me apart like this. I thought I was done suffering for my flaws and my mistakes….I just- I don't understand it," she sniffled. "Nothing I ever love turns out to be mine. Someway or another I lose it. It's taken from me. And I don't know how much more of that I can take."

"Olivia this isn't payment or punishment for all the mistakes you made or had no control over. It's just a moment in the thick of things. A week from now things will be different. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally."

"They're not going to be different. There isn't going to be different. Not unless he starts talking to me, and he's….so far away. I just want him to come back to me."

"Well I won't lie to you. I have concerns about his change in behavior. Obviously it would be a conflict of interest for me to see him but I know some great guys who could help. As for your qualms about losing…life has a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it."


	28. Wait a Minute, What?

_And because you've all been very patient with me…._

 _Now_

Amanda held her breath as she walked the sidewalk towards Olivia's still irresistibly charming brownstone. Every time she came down this street her skin would break out in goosebumps. It was that stunning. The road was freshly paved. The sidewalks were clean, and it was quiet compared to the rest of the city. On more than once occasion, she had dreamed up a whole life for her and Jesse in one of the homes that passed her now, and she'd more often than not grown jealous at the fact that it was Olivia's life and not hers. As is the nature of most people who see things they can't have. It's so easy to yearn for the lives of others, without any mind of what goes on behind closed doors. Her naivety stood out. And now her stomach was in knots at the quake of Olivia's disappearance.

She carefully placed her diary back into the breast of her coat and took another sip of coffee. She couldn't read anymore than she had. The last few pages were too heart breaking and raw for her to continue. Diving in, she expected it to be a clinical exposé of all things inside Olivia's head. How she really felt about the people and things going on in her life. Cases. Perps. Maybe even a few curt words about she and Carisi. But it had been nothing of the sort. Instead it was a seemingly endless record of the love she had for David and their son, which somehow seemed far worse than she could've ever dared to imagine. The love and happiness she had at one point in her life was not only envious but laced in greatness. And then one awful night someone came and took that all away from her.

After her loss, reading how she tried to cling to herself and her marriage was heartbreaking as a close friend but also as a woman. To have been so close to her when all of it was going on and never notice or suspect a thing was gut wrenching, and she was now as desperate as ever to find her so she could support her in all the ways she should have when she was around.

If she was still around.

Her stomach summersaulted again.

All of the evidence that she had since tried to ignore since her disappearance suddenly punched her in the gut and she had to stop and lean on a neighboring stair for support. In her heart she knew Olivia wasn't dead, but not knowing- and finding out about her pregnancy- all the blood they found in the kitchen. It was too much to swallow.

Melinda said the evidence was consistent with blunt force trauma. A head injury inflicted by a house hold item like a wrench or the side of a hammer. The trajectile splatter on the stove proved that. She additionally contested that the amount of blood found was consistent with a theory that Olivia had been hit with a heavy house hold object synonymous with a bat or a sledge hammer. A lot of blood was on the floor but not enough to suggest that she was dead. If they were lucky her attacker had injured to subdue, but it was impossible to tell without a trail. No one at the precinct believed she was dead. They were all in denial but they all knew she had been gravely injured and the news of her pregnancy made it that more haunting. So she was here to get some answers.

She knelt down and put her head between her knees.

She had Olivia's diary but it was only half the story. She needed to speak to David. Because how Liv painted him, was how everyone saw him. As a man completely in love with his wife. Like any woman in distress, she documented suspicions of an affair, but the way David spoke to her. The things he would say…He loved her. Something wasn't right. Nothing made any sense. Something didn't add up, she just needed to be in the room with him again. Feel him out without Carisi banging around in the background like an idiot.

She rolled her eyes and came back up for air.

Few more houses down.

She bit her lip as she approached the black door, and knocked firmly on its wooden planes. She was shocked when it opened up on it's own.

She stepped in and closed the door softly behind her, once again overwhelmed with the pristine nature of its appearance. Even after CSI had torn the place upside down on it's ass, everything somehow found its way back to where it belonged.

Everything except Olivia that is.

She cleared her throat. "David? Are you there? It's me Amanda!"

Nothing.

She latexed her hand and prepared to take a look around, but the sight of him sitting on the back patio restrained her from going any further. She walked towards him and opened the door to let herself out. It was obvious she was there so she didn't bother announcing her arrival, just tried to find a spot to sit so they could talk.

"I rang the door bell, but you didn't answer," she said, as she hovered over him. He didn't seem phased.

"You got in well enough," he responded, sitting up to take his coffee. He made a point to shrug off her advances for small talk, while he was at it too. His body language blocked her at every turn, but she didn't take it personal. He was fixated on something in his head that she couldn't quite see.

"I was hoping maybe we could talk. If you're up for it," she explained, bending at the knees to sit with him.

He looked at her, for the first time since she arrived giving her eye contact and her heart beat stuttered as he stared at her with his devastatingly dark eyes. His thick eyelashes covered the redness in them, but even if they hadn't she doubted she'd be able to look away. David was that breath taking.

"Just a few questions." She told him, watching him blink and close back up again. "There's some things that just aren't adding up and I need to verify them with you."

He shrugged before getting up and standing on his feet. "Do whatever you want," he muttered, going back into the house.

She took another deep breath before following him.

"Can I offer you something to drink? Water? Tea?"

She itched the center of her head before settling into their kitchen island. "Uh- a coffee if you have it."

He tilted his head with his back turned to her. "Only espresso. I don't make that American shit."

"That's fine," she told him. Her eyes taking the liberty to once again consume every corner of Olivia's home. It was luxurious and wealthy, but her charm made it warm and inviting. Normal even. Well- as normal as one could be living in a twelve million dollar unit. Everything seemed to have a place. The tasteful photographs of them together on the beach. Christmas cards and hand drawn paintings from the kids, pinned up on their calendar. The fresh flowers sitting on the table in the middle of the breakfast nook. And all of the wine glasses, minus the two broken ones, on display in their impressive cabinetry.

He placed the coffee down in front of her.

"Thank you," she said to him, not realizing her hand had touched his when she went to grab the cup. It had sent a rippling current through her, but he seemed entirely unphased by it as he leaned against the stove, and folded his arms.

It was then that she noticed his hand was bandaged.

"What happened?"

He gently hid the wound behind his arm, and nursed an espresso of his own. "I had an episode at our old condo. I'm fine."

Another hint towards his unpredictable and unknown about temper. She shuddered to even think that it existed. He seemed so calm in the moment with her now. And it was more than that- more than just energy. Working in SVU, dealing with perps you get a certain read on people when they walk in the room. You can always tell when you're sitting next to a predator, and someone who just might be off their track. There's a difference in behavior. Speech. Body language. How they walk into the room. David didn't give off any of that. Any of those elements she could recognize. He was completely neutral.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping," she told him.

"I haven't." He didn't seem to want to elaborate on that, so she pulled out her pen and paper to get started.

"Did she ever mention anything to you about leaving?"

"No, never. She loves me, just like I love her. The whole thing was very sudden."

"Did you notice a change in mood? Appearance? Did she seem unhappy at all?"

"She was….apprehensive."

Amanda frowned. "How do you mean?"

"I wouldn't go so far as saying nervous, but she was just more aware. More in tune. More loving. More interested in us."

"I know things were different after the attack-

"You don't know anything about after the attack-

"Then talk to me. Tell me about it. Start from the beginning. Help me understand, because we've got nothing. I've got a crime scene but no body. No sign of forced entry. Couple of suspects but no leads. And that means that I have to start looking deeper into the home. When a case hits this close to we start looking at the family. And you're all she had."

He didn't say anything. Just continued to stare. Ran his fingers along the blood now permanently stained on the marble counter top and clenched his fists until they were knuckle white. "What do you want me to tell you?"

"When would you say things started to get bad?"

He scoffed, before flat out laughing under his breath while dumping out his coffee. All the dressings of a mad man evident on his face. He took a Red Bull from the fridge and sat back down at their breakfast nook and Amanda took the opportunity to try again.

"I know you're in pain, but none of this is making any sense." She spoke boldly from a point of great perspective having read Olivia's diary. And she had to quickly remind herself, that she had to treat its existence as evidence to the case. "I want her to come home just as much as you do, but it's never been this long without anything. I'm worried David. I really really am. Every second counts."

He shrugged. "I wouldn't waste your energy."

She arched her brow. "Oh yeah? And why's that?" She sat down across from him.

He didn't say. Or tear his eyes away from the counter top. She followed his eyes. "Did something happen over there?"

"We were bickering back and forth about Brian Cassidy, but I said something she didn't like and she hit me." A beat. "And I reciprocated by initiating sex. It was the most violent we'd ever been with each other….It scared the hell out of me, so I know it scared her. And when it was over, she just looked at me like I was a different person. She couldn't say that I'd gone too far because she'd done the same to me, but I could tell she didn't know what to make of it. She's always had conflict inside her, but to have it coming from me was difficult for both of us. We have been having issues for so long, and I just had so much to get out of me…The next morning I told her I wanted to see a therapist, and God, the look on her face…"

"She was relieved?"

"Yeah, but you know. She was understanding and loving. She kissed me and we did it again. But it wasn't the same. For either of us…"

Tell me about that night and the last time you saw her."

He shrugged again. Blinked, as if he were embarrassed to even think about those private moments which no one knew anything about. And in the back of her head she heard Fin say, "That's all a marriage is. Moment's no one but the two people involved know about."

"She was very upset," he said quietly. "I really got underneath her skin. Said things that you wouldn't believe…She was hurt by them, and by me. And I was so blinded by inconsolable rage that I didn't even try to console her We had a rough night, and we both just needed some space. Neither of us slept. I couldn't until almost four in the morning."

David quieted as he thought of Olivia's body, bloodied and slumped over in the kitchen.

"That's aggressive." Amanda said out loud. He made it sound like Olivia was terrified.

"Like I said, we needed space."

"You guys seemed to have needed a lot of that after what happened."

"She was devastated. We both were. We were madly in love with each other, we both were excited to start our family. What happened killed her and it killed me. She was never the same, and I wasn't because she wasn't. I tried so hard for so many months just to get her to talk to me, but she never did. That gutted me."

Amanda licked her lips and averted her eyes. "I know you're probably going to think I'm insane but…I'd feel crazy if I didn't ask."

He looked at her a moment and adverted his head back to the sunlight and the scenery outside. Birds flying by the window

"No Amanda. This isn't because of you. It's not your fault. Olivia is gone because of me. I hurt her. No one else but me."

"Are you sure?"

"I told her about us a few days after she got home. She didn't care. If she were going to leave me, she would've done it already. Trust me."

Amanda's head dropped. The news nearly as shocking to her as Olivia's disappearance. "She's known about it all this time?"

"I never kept secrets from her. I've always been honest with her. Always. As soon as I felt the time was right I explained everything that happened, but before I could even finish, she had already made peace with the whole thing. That was a rough time for us Amanda. Her heart was broken in a way that I don't think she'd ever experienced, or me for that matter. All she knew was hurt and grief and loss. I don't think anything could've dragged her out of that heart ache."

Amanda swallowed at the eeriness of what she just learned. Her Lieutenant. Her commander. For months has been fully aware that at one point and time she had been intimate with her husband, and never not once did she ever treat her any different or hold that over her head. She never mentioned it. Or threw it in her face. Never grew adverse to her presence or made snarky comments on the job. She remained the empathetic soul she'd always been and pretended like it didn't even happen. That at one point in time David had never pulled her protégé aside and kissed the life out of her while she had been on the other side of the door, in a coma fighting for her life. The notion seemed so ridiculous Amanda very mildly under her breath had to ask again, "Are you sure?"

"It was a kiss. It meant nothing to me and she knew that." He reiterated. "At the time I needed-someone. You were just there so…"

Oh. Amanda heard herself think. She pulled out the chair opposite of him, hoping he wouldn't detect her disappointment.

"You were inconsolable."

"I thought I was going lose her. I already went through losing our baby. I wouldn't have survived losing her too."

She swallowed the knot in her throat. "You know we've been talking a lot about what happened back then at the precinct. Everyone talks about what she went through and the hell it must've been, but I don't hear too much about what it was like for you."

"Well you were there. I spent more time with you than anyone."

"Yeah, but what about after? She must've found comfort somewhere? She came back from that somehow."

David laughed the hardest he had that morning. His deep chuckling coming from some place sore and wounded in his chest. "Olivia didn't come back from anything. Lord knows I tried, but she was...she was gone. We both were swimming in a flood, but I was the one trying to pull us to shore, and she just kept putting more and more weight on me. When she woke, I knew the news would devastate her, but she completely plunged. I watched the light burn out in her eyes and it was the eeriest thing I'd ever seen. Nothing could console her. I thought maybe she was afraid that it was our last shot at being parents. So I told her we could try again. Back then I wanted to. It seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't want to replace my son, but my wife needed something to hold on to. Something she could carry in her arms. But she wasn't interested in getting pregnant again. And I understood that, but then she started hurting herself. Drinking more. Sleeping less. She wouldn't let me get close to her, and that hurt me. If your relationship is strong, you expect the other person to be present with you. You expect them to be someone you can lean on. And she wasn't there. She didn't do any of those things for me and she wouldn't let me do any of those things for her. I'd never felt so alone. And then I don't know, I just woke up one day and everything was different for us. Just seemed like we kept inventing new ways to hurt each other, but they say that's how committing to someone works."

Amanda couldn't help but feel premature hope hearing that. Maybe she'd just gotten afraid and ran away. Or maybe, she thought darkly, she was still on the fence about the idea, and David hurt her because she didn't want to keep it.

Amanda frowned. "She didn't want more kids?"

He could hear the surprise in her voice and he eyed her. "She had a period where she was on the fence. I guess rightly so. Every woman is different. Immediately after, she couldn't fathom the idea, so I didn't force it. I was very 'whatever happens, happens' about it. And then a year went by and I gave up on the idea."

"It was you then? You didn't want another baby?"

His attention had since found the bouquet of blushing pink peonies between them. Each one of their vibrant delicate petals sticking out from the vase. He caressed the bulbs gently with his thumb almost as if he were remembering her skin. The exact curvature of her face.

He stared at her from behind the peony leaves. "How did you guys find out?"

"We found the empty test box in the upstairs bathroom. We suspected, but Melinda confirmed with us this morning." Among other things. She uncrossed her legs and closed the distance between them. "You didn't answer my question," she interrogated.

Do you want another baby? "Of course I do." he said coarsely. "I just want her to be happy. I've always wanted that." He wiped his eyes and shrugged.

"Why do I sense a 'but' coming from you?" Amanda questioned. Her eyebrow reaching the top of her forehead.

"Because it's complicated."

"What's complicated about it?" She asked, hearing herself starting to get emotional and losing the will to hold it together.

He was silent a long time. Gave nothing but a bone chilling stare as if he were falling backwards going someplace deep, and unknown. His eyes which were usually a dark and shining black now threatened to turn a ghastly grey. His skin grew pale and clammy. And right when she opened her mouth to press her again, the shrilling sound of the telephone interrupted them.

He got up abruptly, mumbling a swift "I'll get it."

She watched him disappear upstairs. The ringing screeching in the distance, until at last the house fell silent. Sitting in the kitchen alone, Amanda felt her stomach curl and sweat break out on her upper lip.

He wasn't making any sense. Nothing made any sense. She listened out carefully, and could faintly here David's voice talking upstairs. She still had her gloves on, it wasn't too late to look around. She gathered her things and pulled out her flashlight before quietly moving around the kitchen. She opened the drawers, and cabinets looking for clues. Details of mysterious appointments, numbers, business cards. Anything that would give some evidence to where she might have gone.

Their calendar had been useless, most of it crowded with sports games from the kids, and travel dates for David. Quietly she walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway. Her footsteps becoming softer, the louder David's voice became. Her office was on the same floor so it wouldn't have been obvious if she took another look. She gently pressed on to the handle, but it stopped short on her. She leaned in a little harder and used more force but it quickly became obvious that it was locked.

She jingled around in her pocket looking for her tools and got down on her knees to try and pick it. She glanced quickly behind her to make sure the coast was clear and stuck the two thin metal plates into the keyhole, and gently started to to twist the mechanisms.

She was in deep focus, nearly there, but a creak in the floor board sent her heart free from her chest and she stumbled on her knee clumsily. She caught her breath before quickly looking around. The hallway was still clear. She looked above her and heard the creak again.

A deep sigh of relief cascaded over her. She gathered herself back up and got the door open half expecting an alarm to go off. Not that she would've been able to hear it. Her heart was beating at a deafening rate in her ear drums. She moved quickly. Going through her desk. The papers. Most of it financial statements and receipts. Some of it the remnants of old cases they worked together. Her fingers touched something hard, and she felt Olivia's laptop beneath the surface. David didn't know how to open it, and no one in the office had any luck.

Amanda picked it up and tucked it inside her coat to explore later. Holding out hope that something would come to her eventually. She could hear footsteps so she quickly left the office and slipped back into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

It was shear dumb luck, that David still hadn't returned. She prepared to go back to the kitchen but wondered if there was anything else she could inspect. Her face turned up quizzically as she considered her options, and then she remembered, she never investigated the basement that first night. She'd sent Carisi down there. Her face dropped and she took the stairs two by two, descending until she hit the ground floor where they housed their state of the art gym.

Of course it had been no surprise to find a host of other things down their too. A wine cellar. Construction for what looked like a small swimming pool and their tool shed. Amanda stepped forward activating the sensor proximity lights, and the room lit up around her.

She was surrounded by the normal run of the mill stuff. Various screws and nails neatly organized in bins on the wall. Electric machinery. Blades, wrenches and screwdrivers of every kind. Saws. Ropes. Axes. Hammers-

She inhaled sharply feeling her heart pinch as she stared at the blank space in front of her. Two silver prongs stuck out from the wall where the sledge hammer should've been. Indicating that there was in fact a tool that was missing.

She jumped out of her skin hearing the flashlight that had once been in her hand fall violently to the floor igniting her heart palpitations once more. She knelt down and picked it up, with shaking hands, almost too afraid to inspect any further.

But it was Liv.

Her Commander.

Her Lieutenant.

Had she been in danger? Was her baby not wanted? So many things? So many horrible questions swirled around in her head. She had to get to the bottom of whatever this was. She owed it to her.

She took a moment to get the blood pumping again and turned the flashlight back on before moving forward. She held the light up against the wall.

One sledgehammer. Unaccounted for. Carefully. Slowly, she examined each tool under the light. All seemed to be normal except-

She leaned forward inspecting the drill. On the edge of it, was a blackened stain no bigger than a glue drip that looked like dried blood.

She prepared to take a photo with her phone but she remembered she left it upstairs. She turned around to get it but unbeknownst to her, David was standing stark behind her.

She shivered violently, feeling her heart thrust in her throat as he towered above her.

"You shouldn't be down here," he told her. "It's not safe."

Amanda opened her mouth to say something but she was both paralyzed and mute. She couldn't breathe let alone think. She was too aware of his height. His strength. His build alone. That coupled with the fact that he knew a lot more than he let on, stunned her.

Gun.

You have a gun. She heard herself think.

She started to reach for the metal weapon stationed at her hip, but Olivia's laptop began to slip from its hidden place with the intrusive movement. She caught it just in time, clutching at her stomach.

"Are you alright?" He tried again.

"I-" She started. Defeated that her voice had been little more than a whisper. "I'm fine. I have to get back, Fin's waiting for me outside."

She attempted to walk out. Run. Leave. But he crowded the only exit. She flinched as he got closer, testing the ground where she stood.

"He can wait a few more minutes."

The lights went out, and the last thing that could be heard was frightened gasp from Amanda's throat.

* * *

 **Reviews are funding this production, so if you want to know what happens next, drop a comment babe. And flex! Tell me how you're feeling. I want to know your deep inner thoughts. K BYE.**


	29. Positive

**_Thank you everyone for your reviews! They really do keep me going!_**

 _Then_

 _January 2017_

She was pregnant.

She knew it weeks before but she had been in denial. Every time she threw up. Every time her breast pinched or how much more difficult it became to get out of bed, she knew.

That night before David left for the Middle East. She was two bottles in. She wanted to try, pathetically, to save her marriage. The sex had gone straight to her head. It was the first time they'd been intimate since losing Dominic, they'd got caught up, and she was so sure she'd caught him at the time...

 _Her cries rang out in the room as he assaulted her g spot, moving with urgency, force and determination. She couldn't even begin to put into words what he was doing to her. The sheer essence of his love making took her breath away, and yet for the first time in a long time she felt like she could breathe. She felt alive. And loved. And fierce._

 _The security she felt knowing he was still able to love her like that, make love like that, kiss her like that, hold her like that…she knew no matter what they were going to be ok. They would survive their loss, and maybe find their way back to each other._

She flinched seeing the flashbacks of them together, tangled up with one another that night. How good it felt. How much she missed him and needed it. Her body recalling every detail that led to the current moment.

Robbins reached out and gave her wrist a squeeze pulling her out of that space, and Olivia was surprised to see tears in her doctors eyes. "Congratulations, Mrs. Haden." She heard her say with all the professionalism she could muster.

Arizona had been there through her pregnancy with Dominic and had been in the room when she delivered him, so it hadn't been surprising for her to be emotional, but it was awkward seeing as though she herself wasn't the least bit phased. Arizona was happy about the baby, she on the other hand was so upset she couldn't even swallow the water in her mouth. Those three words had been enough to paralyze her. And the image on the screen coupled with the barely there bump she'd been sporting and ignoring thrusted her into a space that was worlds away.

It was almost unbelievable. After all the partners she had, when she actively tried to get pregnant, nothing would take until her incident after Elliot. Which left her scarred in so many ways. She thought for sure she was damaged goods and then she met David. And now they were on baby number two without hardly ever trying- Dominic was intentional but this baby…

She stared at the ghastly mass on the screen. She was closing in on three months so there was already a head and legs that she could see clear as day to go with the heart beat that had crowded the room.

"Olivia?" Robbins called out. "Are you alright?"

No. She wasn't. "I'm fine," she swallowed. "I just need a minute." She heard herself say as she sat up, effectively silencing the drum in the air.

She felt Arizona staring at her and felt how she knew right away that she hadn't planned for this baby. She tore her eyes away from the sonogram and folded it into the palm of her hand almost crinkling the photo, and cleared her throat while she handled her jacket.

"I'm going to need those prenatal vitamins again, won't I?" She said as if on autopilot.

"The sooner the better. Yes." Arizona told her, though it was obvious she was concerned for her. She extended a hand over hers. Their fingers clasped together and with that small act of kindness Olivia felt herself on the verge of a breakdown.

"This may not be happy news for you. And you have every right to feel the way that you do. Whatever your grieving process looks like, I know this is a big pill to swallow. It's only been a few short months since your loss. So I can't imagine what this must be like for you. But as your friend, I want you to know that no matter what I'm going to be here for you medically, every step of the way. And if this isn't the right time, if you're still not ready, I want you to know you do have options. And we can discuss those whenever you're ready to talk. "

Olivia closed her eyes and felt tears running down her cheeks hearing that word.

Options.

She knew all about those. And the last time she considered her "options" she regretted every moment. Swore she'd never do it again.

And yet she was finding it impossible to accept let alone acknowledge the new life inside her.

She was morbidly out of sorts about the whole thing, and for her it was extremely hard to accept the pregnancy. Instead of happiness or joy she was terrified and upset. Instead of attempting to bond with the new life she kept imagining her life without it. How much less anxious she'd be. How much better everything would seem. Now just wasn't the time for another baby. She needed to fix things with David first and finish grieving Dominic. Get to the bottom of who attacked her.

She wouldn't feel safe having another pregnancy until she caught the son of a bitch who almost killed her. A baby right now, in the middle of everything felt more like an omen than a blessing. She could barely preform at work let alone take on the extra hours it was going to take to pull herself together, support the cravings, the sleepless nights. Which if the dial turned any higher on that, she'd be diagnosed as an insomniac.

She just couldn't do it. There was no way.

She swiped at her eyes, hating herself for not wanting the pregnancy and hating herself for how careless she'd been. It was so hard to give into it, when at every turn she was triggered by what she already had and lost.

In a weird way she even felt guilty that it had happened in the first place. In so many ways, Dominic was still her baby and still her only priority. When the work day slowed down and the house got quiet, she still imagined him curled up to her side, sleeping, growing, filling her world with laughter and love. The existence of this new baby threatened all of that, and made her feel like she needed to get over her loss and let go of Dominic.

It put a lot of weight on her heart, and she wasn't sure how to navigate the new dynamic. Especially when things were still so unpredictable with David. Her husband would no doubt be shocked, but he'd quickly get on board to support them.

She imagined the loving coming back. The desire. How much more they'd talk to each other. Staying home after crawling out of the first trimester. He'd be all over her again, and she wasn't ready for that either. Watching him love a new baby when they were still trying and failing to grieve the first one together would destroy her.

She tugged at her upper lip with her teeth to keep it from shaking and swallowed. "How much-

Her stomach curled and she felt her head lighten and pinch at the base of her skull. The pain of it twisting so that she felt an immense state of pressure in the face.

"How much time do I have?" She asked softly.

"In a perfect world, two weeks. I know that's a lot to ask of you, but beyond that you should know it will get emotionally aggressive. I won't lie to you, it won't be clean, the procedure will be different. Legally, you'll have some leg room for another 12 to 14, but by then things could get not only aggressive but _complicated._ "

She huffed and shook her head imagining that conversation with David.

Arizona put a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to make the decision right now. I'll need a couple days to make arrangements if you decide different. Whatever happens, I want you to have the best." She squeezed her hand again. "Go home, and when you're ready to talk you have my personal number."

Arizona's voice echoed in her head later when she rinsed her face in front of the sink at work, during her third run that morning.

She grabbed a brown paper towel and felt herself nauseate, suddenly too aware of her skin, and the extra weight she put on. Suddenly too consumed with the idea of running away from herself. Running away from the growing baseball in her gut. She discarded the towel in the trash and walked out, surprised to find Stone of all people waiting outside her office.

"Is this a bad time?" He asked her as she approached.

It was but she didn't even have the energy to answer a curt yes or no. She just opened the door to her office and closed it behind them, motioning for him to have a seat at her desk.

"Rough day?" He tilted his chin at her.

Observant as always, she could feel Stone's eyes heavy on her. In the weeks she spent without David, she honestly felt it to be comforting. She still did in some way. He exuded safety with her, and she missed him, but after that morning she was so hostile about everything.

"Are you here about a case?…" She asked without looking at him. Her voice coarse from the vomiting and exhaustion.

He stared at her a short while, before crossing the room to pour a glass of water. "I am," he told her, as he placed the glass on her desk. "I reached out gently a few times over the last couple of weeks, but you never responded. I thought maybe it was because of what happened with Ted Randall. I never got the chance- you never let me apologize for making you uncomfortable."

She gave him her attention once she found her glasses scattered underneath a set of case files. "It's not that, I've just been really busy."

"Yeah, I can see that. You look like you haven't slept in days. Even your voice sounds tired." Her phone lit up, and she saw David's pet name flash up on her cell. "Are you going to get that?"

"Uh-no." She sent him to voicemail, and covered her cell with paperwork. She cleared her throat. "Tell me what this is about."

He sat down across from her. "Annabeth Pearl. The woman who shot her husband. He was a fellow police officer. I saw your name on her papers."

She shrugged. "I remember it. That was a domestic violence case."

"That's not what my team says," Stone frowned.

"In her statement at the time of arrest she testified that she'd been abused."

"Do you have those documents with you?"

Olivia nodded. "I'll have Fin make you a copy." She picked up her phone to dial him, "You're picking it up as the defense or the prosecutor?- Fin can you make Stone a copy of the Pearl statement…Thank you." She hung up, still waiting for an answer.

"Prosecutor." Her shoulders fell, showing she was at the very least disappointed by that answer. "Like I said, my team says otherwise. On a scale of 1-10 how bad is it?"

She considered him for a moment. "It'll be the grayest you've ever tried."

"And you think she's innocent?" Stone asked to clarify.

"I do." She stared at him watching the wheels in his head spin. They were going to be fighting this on opposite ends of the spectrum. And it was clear that he hadn't anticipated that. "How much time until it goes to trial?" She asked.

"If it were a normal case, I'd have at least three months to prepare, but the pressure to prosecute because he was a cop is unbelievable. He had a lot of important friends."

Olivia scrunched her lips. "So do I."

"If I call on you, will you testify?"

Unwillingly, she felt her throat constrict again and her gut start to shake. She swallowed carefully. "Why don't you take a look over everything first, and then we'll talk."

"Do you have time next week to swing by my office?"

She heard Arizona's voice in her head again. "No. That may not be a good time for me. We'll have to play it by ear."

"What about the week after?"

Olivia shrugged, partly because she was unable to see that far off into the future, and partly because she was annoyed he was being so aggressive about it.

"Stone, this really isn't a good time for me. I hate to say no, but these next couple of days I'm just really overwhelmed."

He leaned forward. "So I'm in the dark on this one? You can't even get a quick coffee with me? Please? I don't want to do this without you. If this is a big case, then work with me. Help me understand."

Her stomach lurched again, and she stood up in a last attempt to avoid another spout of morning sickness. "You'll be fine," she heard herself say. "I'm going to make sure you have everything you need."

Stone frowned, standing up to follow her. "Where are you going?"

She tilted her head at him, "To the bathroom. Do you mind?"

"You're not even going to talk to me?" Stone asked softly. She clenched her jaw seeing him get emotional, and forced herself to reel it in seeing that she was in all honesty hurting the man. "You pretended not to cry on my couch for two months, and now all of the sudden you've got nothing to say?" He searched her eyes.

"Stone," she begged quietly.

"We haven't spent time together since before Christmas, and now I'm begging you to help me with a case? What's going on?"

She exhaled, shoving the blank force beside her into the ground. "I just have a lot on my plate."

"I know it's none of my business but if he's making you feel like this, and you're still with him, you're setting one hell of an example," he told her fearlessly.

In two swift strides, she closed the gap between them. "You're right. It's none of your business, but since you've taken an interest, let me set the record straight for you."

"Yeah you do that." He bit back.

The energy he was giving in that moment was enough to make her head spin. But she stepped up to him all the same. Looked him in the eye unsure if she was taming a jealous lover, or calming down a concerned friend.

"You're wrong about him," she croaked, holding her hand firmly against his chest.

Stone shook his head. Trying and failing to hide the glare in his eyes. "You don't know that."

"Except I do. You're wrong about him and you're wrong about me." She shrugged. "He's my husband. I love him and nothing will ever change that. And this," she threw her hand gently to her side before pulling it back close to her heart. Letting him know that she was addressing her recent behavior and their very ambiguous relationship. "This is all on me. It has nothing to do with David."

"Then tell me. Talk to me about what this is about. We promised we would be there for each other. You don't have to do everything on your own, Olivia."

"I-

The door knocked before Fin entered, shattering the moment. Her apprentice walked in and took one look at both of them before asking very clearly, "Am I interrupting something?" The question was directed at Olivia, but he was staring at Stone for miles on end. Without making any sudden movements she turned her head away before walking back to her desk.

"No. The councilor was just leaving."

Stone scoffed and shook his head without so much as a look at her.

"Here are those statements you requested," Fin pressed the paperwork into Stone's chest firmly before holding the door open for him.

Olivia held her breath until she was certain that he was gone, and sank low back into her chair. Her hands were still shaking, and this time it wasn't because she desperately needed to dry heave in front of a toilet. This time it was because she allowed herself to get too close to Stone and now it was becoming a problem. Their fiery banter was still fresh in the air, and it was almost too obvious that he had gotten attached. She knew she crossed a line with him months ago with all the time they started spending together, but she hadn't seen his care for her coming out because she'd been so distracted with David and the suspicion that she was pregnant again. And now it would seem, as a result, he had grown far too close for professionalism. It was only a matter of time before his lack of discretion caught on to more than just Fin's radar.

Or worse, got in the way of a case.

Her phone rang again. David.

"Lieu?" Sonny knocked. "Amanda and I are getting ready to get started."

"Yeah. Thanks for the heads up Carisi."

She sent David to voicemail and stood to listen in on the squad's next interrogation.

In the back of her head, she knew she couldn't avoid David forever. That at some point that night she was going to have to go home and face him, but for the time being she didn't want to. Had no idea how she was going to even talk to him about the news. It didn't feel right keeping any of her thoughts a secret, but she knew she'd have hell to pay if he knew where she was headed. In effort, she spent most of the day trying to find the words to explain it to him, but then seven rolled around. Then eight. And nine. And Ten.

And she still wasn't any more prepared to talk than she had been after her appointment that morning. But by the time she pulled up outside of the house she was at least exhausted enough not to think. She sent a prayer of thanks as she approached the door, seeing most of the lights were off. Best case scenario, David was already sleeping and wouldn't be up to confront her.

She imagined walking upstairs, taking a shower, slipping quietly into bed next to him. Desperate to put the day behind her. But as she opened the door she quickly learned that was easier said than done.

"I'm starting to worry again. We haven't spoken all day. You're sure she was escorted to her car?" She heard David say as she walked in. "Right. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. She's just walked in….Thanks Fin." He hung up the phone staring at her like she'd just slapped him in the face.

"Where the fuck have you been?" He seethed.

She swallowed carefully and closed the door quietly behind her. "I was at work."

She felt him cross the room to scold her even more. "I've been calling you all day. You had me worried sick."

"David please ok, I have a lot on my mind, and I'm not in the mood."

He stood by silently watching her take off her coat until he scoffed gently, and a small manic smile crossed his face. "So what? After what happened you can't afford me the decency to let me know you're alright?" He lowered his voice but he was still pissed.

She turned around to face him. "Oh? The way you check in with me when you've jet packed half way across the world for weeks on end."

"I'm at work, Olivia. You think I enjoy keeping a distance from you? I do it because I can't think when I'm around you. And even then, I still shoot you a text. Liv, I'm ok. Liv, how are you doing? Liv, I love you." He threw his hands in the air, looking for an explanation. "What? Suddenly I'm not good enough for that?"

She shrugged, exhausted by the heat of the conversation. "Don't make this about you. It has nothing to do with you. I'm tired alright, I just want to take a shower and go to bed. I don't want to fight."

She left him in the foyer, taking the stairs two by two until she reached their bedroom. Like she knew it would, the shower was waiting for her, beckoning her in like an old friend and she couldn't wait to wash day off. While she still could, she turned the water on, and peeled off her clothes, same as she always did, but one glimpse in the mirror seemed to freeze her in time.

She examined the curve that was trying if anything to make itself seen, only this time she couldn't ignore it. Or the gray shapes she'd seen on the monitor that morning. To look at herself, she still couldn't believe it. How one night. Just one, had sent her spiraling down the same path she'd fallen into less than a year ago. What was worse, her feelings still hadn't changed on what she wanted to do. Seeing David not five minutes ago, hadn't changed her mind. Standing in the middle of her bathroom, forcing herself to feel feelings that weren't there hadn't changed her mind either.

It was a shit situation, and she was terrified every moment the pregnancy went on because she knew she wasn't equipped to protect it from the outside world. She wasn't even equipped to protect it from herself. She was this baby's biggest threat, and that hurt her even more. She wiped her eyes as the steam started to cloud the image, and got in the shower. Cringing as the water hit her in the gut. She'd dissociated so hard from the pregnancy all day, that the slightest direct touch had nearly paralyzed her.

She turned her back to the water and started to scrub. Started to weigh the pros and cons.

Pros; Despite the timing, she and David still wanted a family together. The baby was healthy. She was fast approaching the end of her first trimester. She didn't have to do anything to prepare. Even if she was having hard feelings this baby already had a family on standby ready to give it so much love.

Cons: She still didn't know the first thing about who attacked her. If he was close or if he was far away. What he wanted or why he did it. She had extreme feelings of resentment, and she was terrified of impairing the first few months or years of this child's life because she couldn't emotionally get on board. She knew in her heart, that there was a big possibility she'd feel different once she held him or her in her arms but she would still struggle with having to love another baby that wasn't Dominic. Figuring out that balance of moving on and not letting go, she couldn't seem to envision. Then of course, she had the fear that still paralyzed her from her attack. It was highly unlikely she'd ever experience that again, but with the son of a bitch still out there, who's stay he wasn't watching her. That this pregnancy wouldn't trigger him again? That he wouldn't escalate and kill her the next time? Or worse, go after David? Then there were the other fears. The ones that had nothing to do with being a cop or a survivor. The ones that stemmed simply from being a mother who experienced loss. Even though she didn't want the baby, and everything felt like she was falling through on a landslide with absolutely no control, even though she was confused, had feelings of guilt and despair, and anger. There was something inside her that cared. And she was afraid that if she allowed herself to care too much, and something happened again. If she experienced another loss that was out of her control, she wouldn't come back. How could she? How would she explain it? And would her marriage survive it? Would she?

So it was better, she thought as she scrubbed her legs. It would be better if she took things into her own hands and stopped it while she still could.

She squeezed out the rag and carefully dragged it over her stomach. Her hand stilling as it reached the spot underneath her navel.

She flinched hard against the water as another hand covered hers and sheltered her from the heat. She fought with him at first but he was stronger than her. And he took all of her anguish as he reach for the nozzle to turn the water off, holding her flush against him.

"Let me go," she told him.

But he wouldn't. She felt him kiss the side of her forehead instead. Trying and expertly penetrating the guard she'd built up around her. But that just pissed her off even more, so she resorted to her self defense training and twisted his wrist until he was forced to release her.

He made a sound because she'd hurt him, but it was faint. And looking into his eyes in that moment it became so evident and so clear that he would stand there all night, and let her hurt him even more if that's what she wanted. If that's what she needed. He would take all the bullets for her. All the pain away if he could. And suddenly all the fighting she was doing with him was exhausting.

Her chest became heavier, in that deep seated way before a person's about to cry. And lord have mercy, did she ever. She cried so hard, her body physically started to shake. And David just held her. The whole time. He just held her.


	30. Maybe

_Then_

 _January 2017 (Continued)_

The saying goes that time heals all wounds. And that's true. After the initial shock wore off, and she spent a few days cocooned in David's arms she felt a little stronger about the idea, but it still wasn't enough to fully persuade her not to do anything. Emotionally she still hadn't fully accepted the baby, but deep inside she knew that she did love the life growing inside her. Doing little things here and there, like drinking more water and getting rest whenever she could, were signs that she did care. Did on some level want the baby, and wanted it to be healthy. But the pregnancy was hard this time around. Her hormones just caused more fights with David who still had no idea that any of this was going on.

He was confused, and upset and hurt over everything. Last night he'd even confessed honestly, "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. You're tearing me apart and you're turning me into someone I don't want to be."

She still cringed recalling him say that.

She couldn't refuse him forever, she knew. Soon it would be impossible to ignore, and he would hate her if she didn't tell him before it became obvious. But she couldn't help it. She was paralyzed with anxiety every minute of the pregnancy. Which upset her even more, because she had been just as anxious about telling him about Dominic. And like before she didn't know what she should say to make him understand what she was going through, what she was feeling or what she was thinking. She was at a complete standstill and time was running out for her to schedule an early termination.

She hugged the blankets tighter around her as she sat in her nursing chair staring blankly at the empty crib and all of the furniture and toys that went unused. She very seldom allowed herself to be in the nursery. Since the attack she'd probably visited it on two other occasions. Usually it was too painful to look at, but she had really forced herself to try in someway make peace with what had happened just in case things turned out different. Because every time she thought seriously about terminating, her number one concern was that she was still being watched. If she at least knew that her guy was out of state or across town she'd be more open to keeping the pregnancy. If the higher ups on the case weren't going to let her incarcerate him she at least felt it was her right to know if he was close by and with any luck, she'd know by the end of the week, she reminded herself.

Not long after her initial appointment with her doctor, she asked Mike Logan to take a closer look into things but he hadn't gotten back to her yet. So, so far she was playing the waiting a game and gambling with time she didn't have.

She wiped her eyes as she collected the tin in her arms and put the sonogram photos back where she found them. Saving the small print they had of Dominic's feet for last. She smiled tracing the stock card because Isabella had been right about him having the biggest feet. The indent of baby blue paint paired with her sonograms were the only things she had left of him.

She inhaled sharply feeling an old tremor return. Which only upset her even more, because still after all this time, her body was so present in that night. She wondered quietly if she'd ever be able to physchologically heal from it. As she stood up and hid the box in the concealed panel on the wall, her conclusion was a solid _probably not._ She sniffled and turned off the light before closing the door behind her to be with David.

Much to her chagrin, he was sitting up in bed with a book close to his chest. "Are the kids asleep?" She asked as she discarded the blankets from the nursery on the nearest armrest.

"They went down about an hour ago." He responded.

Marisol, who was due any day now, had been confined to bedrest, and she and Ed were having a hard time managing the girls so David offered to take them until it was time. They weren't thrilled with the idea at first, but Marisol just couldn't keep up with them, and though the girls were close with Ed, seeing their mother in distress only made them want to be near her even more. The four of them ended up fighting because of the tension and it was then David decided they would take them in.

It had been two weeks now and they had finally got them into routine she realized as she looked at the clock. Pulling back the comforter, she slid into bed next to him so she could curl up at his side. "What are you reading?" She asked as she buried her face into him. Her arms coming around to hold him.

"A biographical story about a couple who become lost at sea."

She pretended she didn't hear the irony in that and just kissed his chest as she started to close her eyes. He had the most irresistible smell of fresh linen every time she neared him. Fresh linen and something else heavier and spicier that could only be described as his scent. She reveled in it, loving that something so simple as a smell could completely put her at ease. Her recent fit of hysteria now fleeing to the winds as she nestled into the strength of him.

"Are you alright?" He asked her softly, putting the book down so he could hold her better.

She felt her breath hitch in her throat as he started to shower her with intimacy. The feeling nearly bringing her back to tears as she started to imagine things being different between them. Started to imagine being happy about their new baby, and maybe even gathering the courage to tell him about it, because whether she decided on the abortion or not she had to include him in the decision.

She drew his hand away from her shoulder and intertwined it with hers. "Just thinking about Marisol and Ed."

There was that too. Among a great deal many other things, her sister in-law and her ex-lover bringing a baby into this world was definitely on her mind. She was happy for them of course, but she'd be lying if she didn't say there was a bittersweetness surrounding the event. Not to be confused with jealousy though. She was every bit mature about the situation, and was so ready to love their little boy. Her excitement was right next to her husband's, but like him there was an unspoken sadness that neither of them had yet to address.

"It's ok if you have cold feet about it. If they call and you need more time…Whatever you want to do, I'll stand by you," he told her quietly.

She closed her eyes again and kissed his fingers. "I'll be ok," she told him. And that fact was largely because she was already on her way to welcoming their second child, she reminded herself silently. She felt her eyes water because she really didn't want to terminate. More than anything she was just terrified of something happening again. There wasn't a day that didn't go by where she wasn't reliving those first few moments waking up in the hospital, or the nightmares that followed. Couldn't forget how her body for months couldn't seem to stop shaking. Or the traumatizing way it went on for weeks producing milk for a baby she didn't have. Emotionally it was too unpromising when someone, somewhere was waiting in the shadows to hurt her. Perhaps most cruel of all, was how desperately she wanted and intended to stay home while she carried their new baby. But getting up every morning and going to work wasn't by choice anymore. She was forcing herself for one reason only, and that was to find the man who killed her son. She wasn't going to rest until she found him, and looked him in the eye. And that made for a sore hiccup in the grand scheme of things.

She exhaled, desperate for sleep to take her once more. In a few hours she'd be up with morning sickness and she needed as much rest as she could get. 5am the next morning wasn't exactly her preferred wakeup call. But it had come nonetheless and she was surprised to find two early birds outside her door, bringing with them a healthy three feet of snow.

She rubbed Isabella's cheek softly as she kissed Mia. "Get your snow suits on," she whispered as David slept behind them. Both of their eyes widened before they shuffled back outside of her room as quietly as they came leaving her to change into her suit and boots. After all, there's nothing like a fresh sheet of snow to clear one's head of all it's worries and woes.

By the time they made it outside in her backyard, the sun was just starting to rise, and the kids were quick to start playing with the snow. They made angels together and built snowmen of the entire family, saving an epic snowball fight for last before coming back in and cozying by the fire. She was content enough to stay on her couch for the rest of the foreseeable future but Fin had called, and the distant pang in her gut asking for leftover sausage and peppers was too strong for her to ignore.

"You guys hungry?" She asked them as she squeezed Isabella's foot playfully. They nodded, too glued to the TV to give any real response. Either that or their 5:30am knock on her door was catching up to them. She picked up her phone from the coffee table and brought it with her as she moved to the kitchen, waiting to answer it until she was sure her conversation would be out of reach.

"A bit early to be calling me on my day off," she told him as she opened the fridge. They still had pancake batter left for the kids. Lots of fresh fruit. Raspberries. Her favorite.

"I know. And I'm sorry. I gotta call from Sophie Simmons family, they wanted to know if you still had that information for a psych."

Olivia closed her eyes, hating herself that she forgot to send it over. Again. "Yeah, it's at my desk in the bottom drawer to the right. There's a list of doctors, medical practitioners, lawyers, and other professionals I've approved."

"Great. Got it. Also Stone came looking for you again last night to talk about Annabeth Pearl."

She felt her eyebrows raise as she blinked. "I don't know what he expects me to do. He's prosecuting, he's already made his decision, I'm not going to do his job for him."

"He talked about going on the defense."

She paused slightly as she melted butter into the pot. He was doing that for her, and she hated to think why. "He's not going on the defense," she told Fin. "He just wants to get inside my head."

"Well are you going to testify?"

"Are you?"

"He rounded all of us up."

Her shock sent the batter spreading too large in the frying pan. She quickly pulled the bowl back and trimmed the side with her spatula to cut off the supply. Annoyed that she'd been distracted she held the phone deeper into her ear.

"What did you say?"

"I said sure."

"All of you?"

"Yeah. That's what you wanted right?"

"No. Fin-

She exhaled suddenly too stressed out with the situation to argue with him. What was done was already done. "Forget it. Whatever. It's fine."

"I can pull us out," Fin offered.

"No, don't. You gave him your word. But the next time he consults you on something like that, you've got to ask me first. I don't want us getting too involved with him."

"Why? Cause he's not Barba?"

"Especially because he's not Barba."

"What's going on between you two. He's really jumping through hoops."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that, and you're going to text me when you've contacted Sophie's family."

Her phone beeped, she pulled away to look at it. One percent.

"Alright. I'll call you if anything comes-." That was the last thing she heard before her phone died. She rolled her eyes and threw it on the table. Her thoughts mainly with Stone as she put her giant pancake onto a plate. She could've killed Fin in that moment for getting them involved, but it wasn't his fault, she reminded herself quietly. To him it was no different than any other case. But to her, what it would take to get Stone to understand was asking a lot. It was asking too much. She would have to go deep into what happened between her and Lewis and she didn't want to go there with him. She could barely go there with David.

But now she didn't really have a choice, she thought bitterly, as she put her sausage and peppers on a plate to microwave. "Hey, Mia. Will you grab my charger from my coat pocket please!"

She called to her niece from the kitchen.

"Can I use the elevator?"

Olivia snorted gently. All kids were the same weren't they?

"Of course you can," she told her as she entered the kitchen. "Tell your sister breakfast is almost ready too."

"Ok."

She sent a fleeting glance at the clock. David would be up any minute. She started the Espresso machine for him and continued to make the pancakes, hoping she didn't burn any. She pulled out plates for everyone and quickly set up their breakfast nook when Mia came behind her and started tugging with her shirt. She turned around and her saw her dangling the white cord.

"Thank you baby, leave it on the counter I'll get it," she told her as she placed knives and forks down. But another tug came. One that Olivia was almost too distracted to pay attention to, but Mia stepped in-between her and the table and put it in her hand. Not the charger, her new sonograms from her appointment. She flinched, tensing up as shock, fear and hurt flooded her face and she froze into silence. She started to ask where she found them but then she remembered she'd left it in her coat that day after leaving Arizona. She lead her right to it.

And then as if on cue David could be heard coming down the stairs to join them. Panicked she stuffed it in the back of her jeans cringing once again as Mia's arms came around her.

"Ti amo, Zia."

"Così tanto amore." David chided as he brought Isabella in on his hip. Once at her side he leaned in and kissed her good morning, not knowing that her heart had been damn near ready to escape her chest through her throat. "Vorrei che fosse così ogni mattina. Grazie per la colazione"

"You're welcome," she swallowed, trying and failing to get her bearings.

The girls instantly huddled together like magnets and started speaking rapidly in hushed Italian, and though they couldn't be heard, Olivia knew they were talking about her. Their stolen glances at her and wild expressions were all the evidence she needed. Her hours were numbered, she just prayed Mia was naive enough to not realize that photo was recent.

"After your breakfast, I want you both to go take a shower and get dressed. Tua madre è in ospedale." David told them.

"Lui è qui?" Isabella asked nearly spitting her orange juice back into her cup.

"Sì, sì. Partiremo presto."

Both girls jumped out of their seats as quickly as they sat down, running upstairs, leaving the two of them alone. She took a bite out of her toast, eyeing him.

"She called?" He nodded as he took a healthy bite of banana and pancake.

"The girls are going to stay with us for another week until they can get on their feet, and then Ed will stop by to pick them up." She usually would've encouraged more time but with Mia in on her secret, she felt the less they were together the better. She was grateful at least that their brother had been born. It would keep them distracted for a little while, leaving her personal life off topic.

"Ok. I'll go get ready."

An hour later the four of them were driving towards Mount Sinai. And every minute that passed felt like a year had gone by. Moving against the tides of time had a backseat feel to it. They were going fast but everything felt so slow. As if she were approaching the edge of a vortex. Or a black hole.

She knew when Ed and Marisol's baby finally came that it would be hard, but she never considered it would feel magnetic. She imagined a sensitivity sure, but from the moment David made the announcement she felt this gravitational pull in her chest that was hard to explain. It was dark matter and it was friction. It was gravitational pull. And all the while she let it all take her. She couldn't put into words what it was like, but there was this feeling not far from need, but close to curiosity that just enveloped her. It brought a deep pounding in her chest. And while for a moment she imagined it was something as fickle as closure, she couldn't label it as that either. As they pulled into the parking lot though, it felt more like fear. As a comforting gesture, David reached for her hand as they approached the hospital, and didn't let go except to gather Mia in his arms while she took Isabella. Both of them walking in with the kids draped around their shoulders like shields with their hands clasped together.

When they arrived, Marisol was barely awake, having spent the whole day before, and deep in the night up with labor until the new addition was born gently around 3am. The baby was awake, and the room was quiet, save for a proud Ed, whom she'd never seen so lively or excited. And it had been him to introduce her to all 8 pounds, six ounces of John Anthony Edward Tucker.

He had dark, black, wisps of hair. And deep fine lines in the face. All the expressions of a heavy weight boxer with deep masculine features but soft and angled to support his young face. When he opened his eyes and yawned though, Marisol's eyes stared curiously back at her. And Olivia thought he was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen.

The girls were smitten with him too. Both of them were crying with love but they grew anxious over their mother and David had to calm them down.

"Do you want to hold him?" Ed whispered. She looked back at David who pushed her forward, but she was too nervous. Her hands were shaking. She was completely overwhelmed by the newness of him. "It's alright," Ed chuckled under his breath. "I know it's scary but you won't break him. Here," he made room on the couch for her. "Sit down."

She sat down but she hadn't let go of David's hand. Without even realizing it, she had gripped him up so hard, he had to pry her off him. "Owe," he snarled down at her.

"I'm sorry," she mouthed.

And then Ed leaned into her and carefully placed the baby into her arms.

She inhaled sharply, surprised at how light he was. He felt like a sack of baking flour, but he was very much a child of solid figure. Warm. Soft. Sweet. Holding the baby for the first time brought so many feelings, that she never thought to expect. The ones she had counted on showed up too, but the moment was brimming with love and so much understanding and want because she never got this moment with her own child. To hold, touch, feel and smell something so new.

She felt her eyes blur as she stared down at him. Her mind, just for a moment going back to her own birth. Her heart just for a second imagining that this was Dominic. That everyone had arrived to meet she and David's baby.

And she wept because he was so very beautiful.

But that was all it was. A moment. No bigger than a wish.

"Hi, Johnny." She whispered softly as she stroked his cheek. He responded by fidgeting in her arms. His feet poking and sticking through his blanket. And, God that smell. It was intoxicating. Like sweet milk and rosewater. She could inhale it all day.

She stilled as she felt an emotional kick within her. Her breasts pinching behind her dress and coat. All of those wants, all of those maternal desires she buried after Dominic came back with a vengeance. How she even let herself consider an abortion over the last few days was unthinkable when it was clear despite her fears, she wanted the baby more than anything. In fact, knowing she was pregnant in that moment was probably the only thing holding her sanity together. She felt so stupid for ever holding the thought, regretted even considering it, especially when it was her and David. She looked over at him and watched him glare in waiting.

He had a look that was difficult to put into words. It was want, mixed with pain, mixed with love and fear.

The truth crawled into her throat, and suddenly all she wanted was to tell him about their new baby. But she was afraid of ruining Ed and Marisol's moment. So she decided right then and there that she'd wait until they were alone. When the time was right. Whatever happened with her attacker and all of her worry be damned. They could face it together, right? Wasn't that the gift of marriage? That you didn't have to face everything alone?

"How did she do?" Olivia asked Ed of Marisol, as the girls started to crowd her.

"Normal I guess. She was a trooper. After the girls she pretty much had it down to a science. I was freaking out like every moment though. It was nuts." He nodded to her sister-in-law who was still sleeping. "She tried to wait for you guys but she couldn't hold out."

"It's fine. She needs her rest," David acknowledged as he stared at his sister from afar.

"She wants the kids to stay with us tonight, and then if you could come back in the morning…"

"Of course," Olivia answered for them both.

"Zio? Aren't you going to hold him?" Isabella asked as she climbed up into his arms.

"È il turno di zia. Lo abbraccerò stasera quando torneremo con i tuoi vestiti."

"Perché stanotte?"

He didn't answer. The nurses fluttering outside their door got his attention though, and he took it upon himself to walk outside.

"I've really got to brush up on Italian." Ed remarked.

Olivia smirked. "I know a girl."

"That would be amazing. Thank you, Liv." She smiled and handed the baby back to him. Not missing the gentle way his hand touched hers as they made the exchange. In that small contact the two of them sharing an age old moment. He shook his head, slightly. "Did you ever think you and I would end up here, like this?"

She scoffed. "Never."

"Funny how it works out, isn't it?"

"Who are you telling?" Olivia placed her hand on his back for emphasis. "For what it's worth, I'm happy it all worked out for you. Really. I am."

"Yeah well, we both got lucky, right?"

She nodded, even though her deliverance had yet to come.

She stayed with him and the kids for another hour before it became apparent David wasn't coming back. She worried to think why he left so abruptly like that, but as she said her goodbyes, she found him engaged with paperwork out in the hall. She neared him, asking without saying anything to sit at his side. "What are you doing?"

"Filling out the rest of her medical forms. Her English is not good with papers...Then the bill. I have to settle with the hospital before we go," he said without looking at her. She stroked his arm with her thumb and kissed his cheek. Intent on loving him despite how desperately he was trying to runaway from the moment. He wasn't talking to her, but she knew seeing that baby an hour ago had triggered him. It was evident all over his face. He couldn't even gather the will to hold the child. And now he was isolating, compartmentalizing, doing everything he could to alienate himself so as not to bring up any unwanted memories.

"He was beautiful," she told him.

"Marisol will have her hands full with him," he responded. Again making a point not to look at her. She stared at him, pausing a long time as she tried to figure out how she could get his attention.

"David, do you remember that night we had before your trip a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah."

She leaned closer and tangled her hand with his. "Something happened."

He nodded blankly, and she waited for him to look at her. He did. Half - hazardly. It was a quick double take from her eyes to Marisol's medical records and then his phone began to ring. She watched him pull it out of his pocket, her heart hardening and softening at all the excuses he had to not have a conversation with her.

"What?" He asked, bringing the phone to his ear.

She planted a kiss on his lips. "Nothing…I love you," she whispered.

His voice sounded as he started his call, leaving her to think more about what she was going to do. She held a hand to her middle, allowing herself for the first time to say hello to their baby.

She was going to keep it.


	31. Eggshells

_Then_

 _January 2017 (Continued)_

Her eyes were closed as she deepened the kiss between them.

"Liv, I have to go." He whispered as she climbed on top of him. Her legs securing themselves around his waist.

"No you don't," she panted, breaking only to refute him. It was early. Still dark out. He could spare a few more minutes. Her hormones were really starting to kick in, and she wanted him. Really, _really_ wanted him.

"I do." She felt his hand in the middle of her chest, it's firm place keeping her from going any further, and she stilled.

She searched his eyes in the darkness as they held each other. "You're saying no?"

He didn't respond other than raising his hand to stroke her cheek with his thumb. "I'm already late." He moved out from under her and climbed out of bed, where his shoes and jeans were already waiting for him. He'd need a new shirt though, because the one he'd been wearing was already occupied, she smirked as she hugged the fabric closer around her though she wasn't very understanding. She was anxious to tell him about the baby.

"Where do you have to go at 4am?" She tilted her chin up at him.

"Habit brings results," he told her as he slipped on his boots with his back turned to her.

"I made dinner reservations for us tonight for 9:30pm."

The bed dipped as he alleviated his weight. "I'll be there," He promised.

For the occasion, she picked a place that was well known, but not so prominent that he'd run into someone from work. They served farm food. Everything was organic and wholesome. Like eating a home cooked meal but in the atmosphere of a social scene. To her it was perfect. She pictured them walking in, hand in hand. She'd shower him with love even though he would just push off her advances. They'd sit together in the secluded booth she picked out from the photos on the website. And when the waiter came by to offer them wine, she'd decline revealing her pregnancy at last. She wouldn't say it out loud, she still was having a hard time putting into words, exactly what was going on, but she'd show him the sonogram. He'd have a subtle reaction. It wouldn't sink in right away. He'd smile but only out of habit. And as the night would go on, he would slowly come around. They'd go from holding hands to a small kiss while they put their coats on after sharing the chicken piccata and the lavender ice cream. And when they finally got home, they'd sit in each other's arms, and somehow begin to find their way back to each other.

In the silence and the stillness and the wonder they would make love. Maybe for the first time since the attack. And after, while she slept in his arms, she'd tell him how in love with him she still was. That she didn't want to let him go or live without him. That she was excited for the baby. And that she would accept his offer, and leave work and just be married for a while. Because as attached as she was to SVU, her life with David and their family was what she really wanted to be present for. She knew that now. He would be thrilled. Her manhunt for her attacker would just have to wait. She didn't want to take any chances.

It hadn't been an easy decision to make. Lord knew, she didn't want to stop. She couldn't. But Dominic was dead. And this baby deserved everything she could give it. And no. It wasn't about choosing, she told herself as walked into work that morning. She loved both of her children the same. It was about surviving, and living and thriving. Things she didn't know how to do, or she'd forgotten until she started to give love to the new life inside her. And as soon as the baby was born she'd be back full force to pick up where she left off. Nothing would change, only what had to. End of story.

Marriage saved? Check.

New baby? Check.

Brighter, better future? Check. Check. Check.

She'd figure out the rest (the PTSD and anxiety) later.

All she had to do was get David to the restaurant.

"Hey Liv? Here's that copy of the briefing you wanted," Amanda told her as she made her way to her office. She took the manilla envelope from her, and braced herself to read over the details again.

The Annabeth Pearl Case. The one she'd been avoiding since it fell into her lap and she found out Stone was prosecuting. It paid to keep putting it on hold, but she couldn't put it off any longer. The trial was tomorrow.

"Thanks Amanda," she murmured as she began to look over her notes.

Despite her best hopes Annabeth's testimony had not magically changed in her absence from the case. It was as clear and as refined as she left it. But what she knew and what Stone didn't was that Annabeth's actions weren't the actions of an uncompromised woman. Annabeth had been living in constant fear at the time of the murder. Had suffered years of emotional abuse, and mental trauma. And while her husband was smart enough to never lay a finger on her, he was ignorant to the fact that abuse didn't have to be physical. That you could severely and systematically hurt a person without ever touching them. She knew that personally from experience. And she believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was abused. But what made this case so unnervingly complicated was that it was in a way that couldn't be seen or understood.

Only felt.

And she had no idea how she was going to put that into words so that a jury could understand. She had her work cut out for her, and she had no idea where to begin.

"It's a no brainer," Amanda said as she lingered by the door.

"Not exactly."

Her senior detective made a face that didn't go unnoticed. "Brush up on the case, will you?" She chided before closing her door.

She pretended she didn't hear the obvious disdain in Amanda's voice, but like so many other times it was there. Out of all of her trainees, Amanda was by far the most obtuse. The woman was wildly out of touch with her emotions, and was much more intimate with numbing her pain than Olivia cared to speak on it. She thought that she could teach Amanda compassion the way she had reached so many before her, but her protégé refused to give into it. Amanda clung to a survivalist mentality. She believed completely that a person could be judged by their actions. But actions mean nothing when you don't stop to consider the how and the why.

 _Actions may define a person but they don't make them_ , she wanted to say. But she had a feeling her warning would fall on deaf ears.

Around 6, she cut the day early and packed up her things to go home and get ready for dinner. It was going to take a while to get there in rush hour traffic but with luck she arrived just in time to spare her 9:30 reservation, shocked that David hadn't been there to save it from the clutches of the next couple. He was always on time. Always the first one at the bar, the restaurant, the movie theatre, all of it. She was the late one. Usually getting tied up with a perp. Naively she thought maybe he'd gotten tied up in traffic and walked to the table half-hazardly. Doing everything she possibly could not to dwell on the fact that for the first time since her attack, she was completely and utterly alone.

It wasn't a big deal, she told herself.

What was ten minutes?

15 max?

An hour?

She called. Texted. Left a few voicemails.

Held off until the waiter aggressively told her to order or else she'd have to give up the table. And she very kindly decided on the "Come again?" with a side of her badge.

Another 2o minutes went by.

Nothing.

She didn't want to panic, but in the same light, she knew he wouldn't just stand her up. He'd never do that to her. Ever.

She looked at her watch.

10:45pm.

Was it was wrong to assume the worst? Be the panicky, frantic, "I need to know where my husband is every moment of every day" kind of wife. It felt wrong. That wasn't them. They had an unspoken understanding between them, each granting the other space to just be. They weren't the couple to entertain boundaries. The couple to know everything about where the other had been or was going. They just trusted the other was ok and would at some point shoot a text or call to explain the disappearance.

 _Ding. Ding._

"Wrapping up with client, be there in twenty."

See?

She tap backed a heart, and waited as she felt relief wash over her. Now that she knew he was coming and that he was alright, she went ahead and ordered because she was in all honesty, starving.

But the twenty minutes went by and as she sat there at the table, eating the perfectly seasoned chicken piccata, watching all the other women with their husbands and lovers she felt a pinch of jealousy she knew she shouldn't have had to feel. It hurt. The humiliation made her cheeks sting.

By the time she started having thoughts about the lavender ice cream she was ready to go home. She had been packing up to leave when she'd been summoned to the bar. Alex and Jeri were there, and noticed her leaving.

"What are you doing here? You look amazing?" Said one.

"David's a very lucky man." Said the other.

They invited her for drinks but she declined. Settling instead for the ice cream she planned on. Still pathetically hoping that David would show.

He hadn't.

It was close to midnight when she'd started to head home. But still in some way, she had considered him to be blameless. They were going through a bump. Every couple has bumps. They weren't connecting as seamlessly as they used to.

She'd been ten minutes away from home when Fin called her. Upper east side, rape/homicide. It wasn't far, so she turned around.

When she got there CSI was already on the field and the vic was being loaded into an ambulance. She took the initial statement from the witness and gave instructions to Fin for handling the case in the morning. She was on her way out again when Warner asked her to take a look at the crime scene. That took another 15 minutes.

Funny how fate works.

If she'd gotten to the restaurant on time she would've left earlier and missed Alex and Jeri. If she'd missed Alex and Jeri and left after eating the chicken, she would've missed Fin's call, and if she'd missed Fin's call she wouldn't have had to cross examine the area with Warner, and if she hadn't had to cross examine the area with Warner, she wouldn't have seen the familiar figure emerging from across the street.

Nestled under old Christmas lights, and other middle aged business professionals was her husband, laughing himself to pieces in the arms of another woman. Abbie Carmichael. His partner. The one he swore he had nothing to do with. They were forehead to forehead, grinning from ear to ear, like two college sweethearts. Only separating to do another shot at the bar. Ironic because that's what it felt like. She must've watched them for what seemed like hours, until Fin hastily pulled her out of the way from oncoming traffic. Ending at last, the horror show she'd been mentally recording.

Ushered away, deep into the curb she started to rationalize. Maybe it had been one drink. Maybe he'd just gotten off of work, closed the case, and wanted a quick pick me up before coming home to her and sharing the good news.

"Liv? Are you alright?"

She blinked. Her head moving inward as if the question was an insult to her character. As if to say, how dare you pull me out of the way from the tow truck and sea of cab cars. Her husband had just stood her up at dinner, while she was waiting to tell him she was pregnant. News that should've been happy and joyful. And every bit of wonderful. Right about now, she was supposed to be home, with him, but instead she'd found him in a bar laughing with the other woman.

So no. She was not alright.

But how could he have known that he'd grossly overstepped into her personal life? No one knew about the pregnancy and no one knew about the infidelity. No one knew anything but her.

She gave a sincere touch on his shoulder and walked quietly back to her car. Once inside, she circled the block until she found his car, casually, parked out in the open a few stores up from the bar and waited on opposite ends of the street.

When she pulled the keys from the ignition her heart was pounding a million miles a minute. So fast she couldn't even think clearly. What was she going to say? What would he say?

And then without warning, she started thinking about Kathy Stabler, and that's when she lost it.

Laughing so hard her stomach started to hurt. She used to think that woman was deranged. Crazy. Out of her mind. Of course, she had every right to be, but still…She thought she had been so foolish. She remembered pitying her. She remembered thinking, how could she be so stupid? How could she be so blind? Taking care of Elliot is the easiest job in the world, he just needs someone to talk to. She remembered thinking Kathy was a mess of a person. Completely undisciplined. Shamelessly piling on the extra twenty pounds that comes with 5 kids, calling frantically all hours of the day because she needed to know what he was doing every minute, and she wanted Elliot to pick up the girls while she went to aid her conniving sister. It was borderline insulting as a woman to see her so consistently pathetic. Unable to even think without Elliot's direction. There really was no surprise that he lost interest towards the end. And Kathy just went insane, trying to get him back.

To think, she used to pity a woman like that.

When now, she'd become all of those things.

It was a sick joke.

Like her, the only thing Kathy had ever been guilty of was loving her husband. And they were both punished for it. Both over shadowed by the _partner._

She stayed until her tears of laughter had become quiet tears of pain as she begun to fear the worst.

By the time she'd gotten home it was just before 1, and she'd rationalized again that he would be there any minute. Because marriage is funny that way.

It doesn't just break. It doesn't just fall apart. You don't just wake up one morning and decide you don't want to do it anymore. It's resilient. There's something human about it. The way it fights to survive against all the odds. Even now as she sat in her living room, waiting for her husband to come home, her marriage was fighting with every thought that ran through her mind.

Another few minutes. He's in traffic again. Maybe he ran into someone else at the bar, and wanted to do another round. He'll call.

It was 2:3oam when the front door opened. He walked in on a straight line, as confidently as he did any other hour of the day.

And when he looked at her heavily, she could tell that he was pissed with himself for not choosing her. Pissed for missing her in that dress. Pissed that he hadn't met her for dinner like he said, because if he had he'd probably be inside her right now instead of starting a fight.

She felt bile crawling up the back of her throat, hating the entire situation so much that she wanted to throw up. And yes, it was because of him. Her pregnancy had nothing to do with what she felt in that moment.

"What are you still doing up?"

She swallowed carefully as she measured him. He smelled like a bar. Like spilled beer, sweat and cum. As if he'd been there longer than the known about two hours.

"I wanted to see you."

It was the truth. She didn't believe in anything else. That made her vulnerable. "Where were you tonight?"

"I got tied up in a case. Took longer than I expected."

The lie shot her in the heart and she had to feel her pain before saying anything else.

"Work?" She echoed. Giving him another chance to be honest with her. "You were at the office all this time?"

"Yeah."

He hadn't taken the bait and that broke her heart even more. The last year plaguing her as she started to recall every time he used that excuse. She was going insane at a sky rocketing pace re visiting each moment, wondering if he had been with Abbie each time.

How many times had he lied to her? How many times had she believed him? How many times had he been with another woman. Her stomach curled again.

She was going to be sick.

She stood up and physically crossed the room to join him under the doorway.

"That's funny," she started. "Because after I waited for you at that restaurant for two hours, I got called in to investigate a case on the Upper East, right outside of that sushi place you like to take all your clients to, and I could've sworn I saw you at that bar with Abbie. I have to say, I'm glad it wasn't you. I thought I lost my touch." She told him before leaving him standing idle in the hall.

"Olivia-

She threw up her hand and stopped him. "No. You don't get to say anything to me, because you're a liar and that is the worst thing that you can be in a marriage, because anything you say out your mouth from here on out I now have to second guess."

He didn't say anything. He just stared at her. His face shading into a ghastly white pale. He had anger in his eyes, but there was something else. Exhaustion maybe. Fear. In all honesty she didn't care, one way or the other. He was having an affair, and it had been going on for months. Maybe since that first trip to Switzerland, when he swore. He swore that there was nothing going on between them. Just like he promised to always be honest if he was unhappy.

She felt her skin flare up.

Suddenly it was too hot in the room. Her cheeks were flush. And her hormones had shoved the tears out of her eyes.

"This morning, when you wouldn't make love to me. Was that because of her?"

He shook his head no, but did nothing to try and comfort her. So she found it even more impossible to believe him.

She scoffed. "Unbelievable."

She turned on him again and starting heading upstairs. She wanted to get out of the clothes she was wearing. And she wanted to be alone.

"Olivia." He followed her. But she ignored him. "Olivia," he said again.

Eventually he gave up trying to get her attention and just started going at her. "Liv, I had a really long day and Abbie thought a few drinks would loosen me up a bit. We walked into the bar around 7. I thought I had time but then the next thing I knew it was after 12. I didn't mean to leave you there."

She shrugged her shoulders, uncaring for anything that sprung out of his mouth. "You expect me to accept that after you just lied to my face?"

"Was I wrong to?" He bit back. "Tell me we wouldn't still be having this conversation if I told you the truth." She shook her head no. "Right, well you know what I think? I think you've never had any faith in me, or in us. And you keep looking for reasons to hate me because that's easier than accepting that I care. You don't know any different."

The insanity in what she was listening to was so thick in that moment she had to laugh. "You're kidding me right? You're going to make this about me?"

"Isn't everything?"

"You start having an affair, and I'm the one to blame? What the hell kind of crack are you smoking?"

"I'm not having an affair. If you feel insecure in this relationship that's your problem. Not mine. But there's no wonder is there? You don't talk to me. You don't let me in. You call me a liar, and every day I go to sleep with someone who refuses to be honest with me about how they're feeling. You make no effort to connect with me."

"That's not true. We've talked. We've spent time together. I asked you out dinner."

"The first dinner in months." He cut into the air with his hand so violently that she flinched.

"I had something important to tell you."

"So tell me."

"Oh no. You've made it very clear that what I have to say doesn't matter to you, so you can find out on your own time." She unclipped her earrings and unzipped her dress.

"What's that supposed to be my punishment? Big fucking deal. I didn't miss out on anything." Olivia smirked again. Couldn't believe he was being this unbearable. He came up behind her and stared at her eyes through the mirror. Their bodies so close that he could've embraced her. But when he leaned in, and whispered intimately in her ear, making the strands of her hair stick to his face he said. "What huh? Candle light dinner under your fucking misery? Another three hours of you making me feel like shit and then a semi decent pity fuck just to get you off?"

"Get me off?" She smiled back at him. "You haven't gotten me off in months. The way you use me, I faked it every time, you self indulgent piece of shit."

He looked at her then. Tearing his eyes away from the glass reflection to glare at her in the flesh.

"I guess not with you drinking yourself into an early grave." He clutched her by the jaw to assert control. "Show me some of those good home grown genes Liv. It really turns me on holding your hair back while you vomit into the toilet. Sleeping in the shower together. Cleaning the bile out of your hair." He continued to taunt her.

She yanked her jaw out of reach, turned around and slapped him hard in the face. Slapped him so hard she'd busted his lip wide open. She blinked watching the blood stain his teeth as he stared at her. For a moment the only thing that could be heard was her breathing as she took a step back. Her hand was shaking. And she had to reel it in. Center herself. Because she was that close to losing control.

Talk about home grown genes, she panted. She closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down. And she opened her mouth to apologize, say something to mind him, but she couldn't fathom it.

All she kept thinking about was him choosing Abbie over her, and that hurt more deeply than she could bare. She tilted her chin up at him.

"So the next time you make out with your whore you'll remember you're married."

He straightened up in the shoulders, his neck twisting at the sound of that.

"No the only whore here is you. Every time I turn around I'm looking at someone you fucked. I'm surrounded by lovers and exes and friends. Let's go through the list. Huh? Brian. You remember him right? The guy who stood you up and left you at the whims of a serial rapist. The guy that loves to fuck prostitutes while you listen hot on the air in front of all of your friends. Real fucking stand up guy to leave you in the middle of the street, after you asked to settle down.-

"Oh I'm not listening to this." She croaked as she left the closet.

He of course followed her.

"Gotta love rebound Brian. You know he told Munch he wanted kids, but when you asked him it was a different story. Guess he just didn't want them with you. But real stand up guy. I guess he's better than me. No? But I'm the piece of shit, right? So let's call Ed Tucker. Runner up. Sex was great. Really played that authoritative role didn't he? Years of emotional abuse to groom you into some bullshit submissive."

He caught up to her and cornered her into the wall.

"But you liked it. Liked being punished. Made all your fucked up insecurities," he pushed his fingers into her shoulder, "feel like they'd been washed. Yes sir. No sir. Disrespect me for years and then tell me you love me. What a great guy. Real family man. But shit I forgot, he's sleeping with my sister. But who cares, when the two of you have Paris. Should I cross him off the list? Because we still got swinging big dick Nick right?" She pushed him off her and walked into their bedroom slamming the door in his face, and he opened it right back up again. "Now there's a keeper. Handsome. Passionate. Charming. All the things I used to be. But I bet he reminds you of me. So guess there's no one left but Elliot? Your one true love right? Once upon a time he was probably just as possessive of you as I am. I don't blame him. You have a world class pussy. Walking around in those tight form fitting white t shirts. The way you bite your lip when you're thinking deeply about something. Sure as hell better on the menu than that sloppy, unfaithful can of mayo he's married to. Believe me, you two are a match made in heaven. What's worse you know how to make grown men beg. Women too, and lonely little school girls with mommy and daddy issues. It's your calling card. So when you add it up who outweighs who? All these men that you love so much and can't live without, all these people who just love the Olivia Benson and you're gonna get on me for having a drink with my partner. Fuck you."

She jumped as he pushed his fingers into her face. Both of them shell shocked from that episode.

She sniffled as she felt the gravity escape beneath her. Her knees buckling so that she fell into the cushion of their blanket chest at the edge of the bed.

"So let me get this right," she breathed through her nose. Feeling the nausea once again overwhelm her because she'd expect that kind of talk from someone she'd cross paths with at work, not coming from David in her home. It was all just a little too surreal for her to fully digest. So she swallowed and tried again.

"You come in here, lie to me about spending the night with another woman after you stand me up at a restaurant. You make snarky comments about my past and then you have the audacity to slut shame me? That's the best you can do to cover up your bullshit lies and your bull shit side piece? If you were going to hurt me you could've at least been more original about it."

He laughed at her manically. Shook his wrist and jutted it forward to loosen the fabric of his shirt until the bright silver of the watch she'd given him their first Christmas together revealed itself. He undid the brackets until it clinked off his wrist, before he threw it hard against the wall. "Is that original enough for you?" She didn't respond, so he got closer to her. "I tell you I love you, you don't want to be with me. I tell you I hate you, you force yourself. I hurt you, and now suddenly you don't understand where this is coming from? You're supposed to be a cop right? You're honestly going to tell me you can't figure this one out? Is this what you do all day? Sit on your ass and come up with reasons to argue with me about a woman who means nothing to me? I mean really, who do you think I am?" He challenged her. "Do I really strike you as the kind of person to get involved with someone I didn't want completely? If I wanted Abbie, don't you think I would've left you already? I'm not greedy like your partner. I don't need two women to satisfy my ego. I don't really see the point in wasting one good woman's life to play tag with another."

"But you'll dump me in the middle of the street. Lean in close and tell me, 'This never happened, and that we didn't matter' because I wasn't worth the next case, or the next deal. And then you'll show up months after the fact and ask me to marry you." She shrugged. "You sit here and put yourself on this pedestal, but the truth is I was always your second choice. At least I can say with confidence that with everyone else I was number one."

"Not everyone else."

She was so inconsolable she didn't even realize he'd left the room until he slammed the door behind him. And there in the silence, she let out all of the sobs she'd been holding in, until she cried herself to sleep hours later. Which was a problem because she was due in court first thing to testify for Annabeth.

When she opened her eyes again she was already an hour late, and it took everything in her to get out of bed. Everything hurt. Felt like she'd just been hit by a train. Her limbs were heavy, her eyes were sore. It was evident, David never came home. After everything that happened, and the pregnancy she wasn't sure it was a good idea to go. Emotionally she wasn't sure she could walk into that court room and do anything but make things worse.

She contemplated for a while not going in at all, but a text from Carisi asking a plain "Where are you?" Got her up on her feet. She shivered, still feeling the nausea circulating in the back of her throat, and gave herself some time to see if anything would come up, but her morning sickness never arrived.

After a hot shower, she threw the first thing she saw on and drove to the courthouse. And as as soon as she walked into the locker room she regretted it instantly. The room was scorching hot, putting everyone's tensions on rise. Amanda was all over the place making excuses for Annabeth's husband. Which provoked Carisi to explore the opposing side. And Fin was on the stand testifying in Annabeth's favor.

She didn't know where to begin.

Her feelings hadn't changed about Annabeth but they were complicated, and she still hadn't figured out how she was going to explain it to a jury. Which was extremely hard to do when she just kept thinking about David and their fight. Lewis. Stone. Annabeth's testimony. The baby. All of it playing in a loop like a broken record. And it went on like that until, Stone caught her leaving the bathroom hours later.

"Liv." He said as he approached her to get her attention. An anything but humored laugh escaping his throat. "What the hell is going on down there?"

She was so caught off guard, that his tone of voice triggered her and she was suddenly back in her bedroom looking at David. And she became incredibly defensive. "Excuse me?" She glared at him.

"When I walked into that courtroom this morning, I had a no lose case. Now two witnesses later I'm treading water and gasping for air," he challenged her. "I came to you, several times and asked you to do this with me. And you said no. You didn't want any part this. You made that clear. But today you show up and suddenly my case is to staring down the toilet. What the hell are you pulling?"

She expected him to be pissed but this side of him was new to her. She started to apologize because he really did deserve better. At the very least a heads up, and because of her personal life, she failed to reel in her team and get them on the same page. This was her fault, and she knew that. But she also knew Carisi wasn't wrong. And like she always felt, this case was so much more than a clash of opinions.

"Carisi got creative-

"He got creative? He's a cop. He's supposed to get up on that stand and tell the truth. That's it."

The way he said the word cop, like it was a demeaning profession much in the same way David threw it at her the night before amplified the fist squeezing sensation in her gut. She arched her brow at him. "Did he lie?"

"-Liv. Come on. You and I both know the truth comes in many colors. You taught me that."

"So maybe he chose the one he could live with." She said as she started to walk away.

"I knew it. I knew you were behind this." He called out after her. She turned around to look back at him. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"You want to do me a favor?" He asked. "Keep your bleeding heart out of my court room."

At that point slapping her in the face would've hurt less, but she took it, like she took everything else. She stayed in that court house until it was time to give her testimony. And like she predicted it only made things worse.

Thankfully she had Fin waiting for her when she got off the stand, and the two of them went out to dinner to detox from the day.

"Don't beat yourself up about it. You did the right thing?" He told her as they sat together over a couple of burgers and fries.

"Did I?" She asked as her face started to tingle again.

"Look, what I said before, was irresponsible. I mean for all we know Annabeth could've had a history. Or worse, she could've been the monster of the marriage, and I should've kept that fish and fried it for dinner."

Olivia scoffed. "Do you really believe that or are you just trying to make me feel better?"

"That depends is it working?"

She smiled at him.

"How you doin' otherwise? You look tired." He told her.

Tired and hot. She was still sweating from the locker room at the court house. "I am."

"This about that time you told me you were supposed to be taking off."

"Maybe," she said as she stuffed the last couple of fries in her throat. "Come on, I'll tell you about it on the way home."

She pulled on her coat while Fin settled up on the bill and asked for his to go order to be wrapped up. "Wait here and wait for the food. I'll pull the car around," he told her as they got to the door. Olivia watched outside as he left the restaurant and saw the snow falling again.

She took comfort in that.

The snowfall.

How it always seemed to make things clean again.

She was mesmerized with it until the waiter came by with the rest of Fin's food. "Thank you," she said softly.

"You're welcome."

She was so sure that exchange of words was all she and the waiter would ever have, that she set her eyes back on the snow where she saw Fin pull up outside. But a small hand on her back caused her to turn around again and look at the girl. She was young. Couldn't have been more than seventeen. If that. She searched her eyes looking at her, assuming she or fin left their gloves.

"Ma'am," she said quietly. "You're bleeding."

She sharply inhaled the smallest gasp of air as she looked down at the floor in front of her. The ground was clean accept for the subtle crumbs of a few good customers and the gentle wisps of snow from outside. But then she rose her head and looked back at the booth where another teenager was bent over with rags and bleach, cleaning up where she'd sat. The white towels each staining with blood as they went from the booth to the trash.

 ** _Pretty please, with a cherry on top, leave a review. Reviews are life. They are life I tell you!_**


	32. Remember Me

_Now_

She traced the wine stain in Olivia's diary eerily as she stared at it. The circular ring foreshadowing the blood loss she'd experienced after the Pearl case was bone chilling to think about when she'd been so aggressive with her in Annabeth's offense. She didn't know whether to blame herself for causing her more distress or hate herself for not realizing the truth that was right in front of her.

"Alright I got wings, fries, pizza and cutlets." Carisi announced as he returned to the bullpen. When she didn't respond, he did a double take at her. "What's the matter, you still not feeling well?"

This morning after she left Olivia's house that had been the excuse she'd given him because she was still pretty shaken up after leaving David. When those lights turned out in the basement, she'd thought the worst was coming for her. But it turned out her superior's husband had only picked an unfortunate time to try and answer her earlier question on why it was so complicated for him to want another baby. At least that's what he said as he escorted her out of the darkness. Which had also inconveniently been on account of a burnt fuse in the electrical system from an earlier rain storm. Be that as it may, the suspicion that he knew more than what he was letting on continued to linger.

She'd seen their toolshed. And she'd seen the absence of the sledgehammer and what evidently looked like blood on the edge of their power drill. She couldn't explain it, and she had even less evidence but in her gut she knew something was very wrong about that altercation.

"I'm fine, Carisi. I just _really_ need a break," she told him throwing the diary into her desk and locking it with a key.

"Well come have lunch with us, you need to eat something. You look like a sheet."

No she threw her hands up and protested. "I can't- I can't eat right now. I'm not hungry," she muttered.

She couldn't hold back her agitation, much less her frustration over the whole god damned thing. And she didn't try to. It was all just starting to get to her. Not knowing where Olivia was, if she was hurt, dead, or dying. If she were crammed into a box somewhere or just on the run. Whatever the case, it was really starting to eat at her stomach and she wasn't sure how much more she could actually take. She openly sighed, exhausted with the whole thing, and let a deep seated headache take flush inside her head.

"Where are we with her laptop? Was TARU able to get a break in on it?"

"Yeah, they sent it up about an hour ago, but you looked busy. Here." Carisi moved some papers off of his desk and revealed the laptop, wrapped neatly with its charging chord and a noticeable bright pink sticky note on the top. She took it from him, popped two aspirin, and plugged it into the nearest outlet at her desk. She examined the sticky note and found an odd combination of Olivia's wedding anniversary and another date that she hadn't entirely recognized. Must've been the password…

The laptop turned on and she felt her head throb even harder as she stared at her home screen photo. It was an intense black and white photo of Olivia embracing David while they lounged together in some beach layaway. The quality of the photo was so envious that it almost looked like it could be placed in a jewelry ad. It was weird and strange to think that her boss Olivia who for so many years ate Chinese take out from the box was leading a double life and this was the other side. Movie worthy luxury. And what was even more envious was how good looking the two of them were together. Olivia really was a truly beautiful woman, and David was the epitome of everything a girl could want in a man. He was text book handsome to the T.

Imagine how unnerving it was to think that she was dead and David was the one who'd bashed her skull in while she was pregnant with their child.

She sighed and cleared her throat before choosing to open her calendar first.

It was riddled with doctor's appointments, ballet classes, recitals, dinners, meetings, and events. Many of which were of a more personal nature. Amanda didn't recognize any of the names. Even as she combed through the previous three months. There was nothing that struck her as odd. Next were her photos. Most of them, unsurprisingly had been of her nieces and nephew. There were lots of beach and vacation photos of them swimming together, cozying up on a boat or two, bike riding in The Hamptons. Every now and then there was a photo of David shirtless or one of them embracing each other or candid across Europe. Again. Completely surreal. She was beginning to think Olivia was holding out on everyone.

She closed the app and skimmed her emails. She had a handful of receipts and tracking orders for nursery furniture that didn't go unnoticed, and there was some kind of correspondence from a realtor. Amanda double clicked it.

 _Hi Olivia,_

 _Thank you for your inquiry regarding our home. The listing is still available and we are willing to negotiate the asking price. The property will be available to move in August 1st or thereafter._

 _Wishing you and David the very best,_

 _Eleanor and Patrick._

Amanda frowned and scrolled further down, where she found a link for a multi million dollar property nestled in Long Island. It was huge. And it was far. It would take her at least an hour to get to work each day. Come to think of it, Amanda wasn't even sure she'd be able to come in at all. The state law is that in order to remain an acting law official in the NYPD you have to live within one of the 5 boroughs. Long Island is apart of New York State but it's not a borough.

Something bitter filled Amanda's tongue.

Was she planning on retiring?

Amanda shivered feeling a sense of anger and betrayal mixed with shock and misunderstanding. That couldn't be right. Olivia would never leave SVU. She'd never leave the victims, the job, Fin- she and Carisi…No. _That couldn't be right._

But was anything right with this case? A decorated New York City Lieutenant just drops off the face of the earth, leaving no trace of her whereabouts or sign to her friends? And her husband, the billionaire with a tongue sharp as a double edged sword and a secret temper had absolutely no idea where she'd gone? And there were all the little questions in between. Like why was there so much blood in that kitchen? Why buy two weeks worth of groceries if the decision to leave was planned? Why order furniture and have it delivered to her place of residence on the Upper West Side and not somewhere else where she intended to escape? And this Long Island property- if things were bad between she and David, why was she planning to buy a new place with him? Those questions among a host of other ones were circling around her head, and ever since she left Olivia's house that morning she'd become abundantly less sympathetic to David. He just didn't sit right with her.

She closed the app and opened up her web browser. Her history was pretty basic. _Thai food delivery near me._ Netflix. A few matching infant boutiques to go with the receipts in her email. And a couple of visits to Restoration Hardware and Pottery Barn. She was clearly planning to decorate something. Other than that it was everything you would find, supposing one was a housewife. Amanda rolled her eyes, starting to regret having snagged the laptop in the first place, but a curious pull of the eye at her finder tab provoked her. Returning to the home screen, she realized, she didn't have any folders on her desktop. Which meant, if something were important, she'd have to look for it.

Amanda opened up the tab and about a hundred folders came up. She scrolled down to D and found David's name in bold capital letters. She double clicked, but the file was encrypted. She pursed her lips and tried the password given to TARU. It didn't open. She tried just using the combination of her anniversary. It didn't open. On a hunch, she tried _Dominic_ and the folder blinked at her before opening full screen. Amanda frowned as she scanned the files. They looked work related. She had a background check drawn up on him. A copy of his bank statements on the month to month. Photos of him leaving his office at random hours of the day. It was strange but it wasn't entirely unusual she realized when she saw the date on the documents and photos. Aside from his bank statements, everything was dated before they got married. She followed the dates further back in time until she came to the end where a folder labeled For Case was dated recently but it was encrypted again. And nothing she tried even remotely seemed to get it open.

She sighed frustratingly and sent it back down to TARU to get a run on it. On her way back though, she saw a team of officers running out the door with Carisi on their heel. She walked harder with the crowd, and rushed back into the precinct where she saw Fin coming out of Olivia's office pulling his coat on.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"We got a tip at a bodega not far from Olivia's house."

Twenty minutes later they were pulling up to the crime scene where officers had the block on lockdown. Vans and boarders were lined up while officers guarded the crime scene. Behind them CSU was already knee deep in investigation. She went first, flashing her badge and ducking under the yellow tape to see what was going on. An older man. Late fifties, maybe early sixties was sitting pale in the back of a van. He had a grandfatherly look. Full face. Gentle eyes. A mustache that added soft character. Beside him were two middle aged officers, having a smoke standing watch. She approached them.

"Detective Rollins, Manhattan SVU."

The first one threw his cigarette to the ground and leaned up off the brick wall before shaking hands. "How do you do, I'm Officer Martino. This is my colleague Officer Sanlucci."

"Hey Detective, how are ya?"

Amanda didn't bother to shake his hand. Instead she tilted her chin up at him while Martino explained. "My condolences to your squad. Everyone's aware of what's going on. Anthony and I were close friends of the Lieutenant. Italian thing I guess you could say. When we got the call, I recognized the neighborhood, and put out an alert." He nodded at the old man, who now was watching them speak. "That's Felix Medina. He's the bodega owner. Not only did he find the body but he claims to recognize Lieutenant Benson. At this time Mr. Medina is a witness. Security cameras place him inside the shop while the body was being dumped. I'll give you two a few moments."

Amanda didn't hear anything Martino said past "find the body". She turned her head and looked down the alleyway where she could see Carisi and Fin huddled together. And in the distance, she could even hear Carisi arguing loudly at someone she couldn't see. She felt the air on her cheek too greatly as she stood there, her stomach in knots, not knowing whether to fall to her knees or talk to Felix. She pulled her eyes away from the scene and looked again at the shop owner. On autopilot she sat down next to him, feeling the van slightly dip further into the ground with her weight. Her body running so still and cold that she could feel her breath escaping from her nose out on her upper lip. She wasn't sure how long she'd sat there. Or how much time had passed. It felt like hours. Like the night she found Olivia's body hunched over in the parking lot, and when she had rushed Jesse to the hospital those first few weeks after she was born.

She wept silently until the feeling of tears on her cheeks became evident and she turned to look at Felix. He was offering her a napkin. She took it from him. Cleared her throat. Amazed at how vulnerable she'd been in front of a material witness while working a case. She forced herself to not show any more signs of emotion or risk hurting the trial. "Mr. Medina I'm Detective Rollins. I work in Manhattan SVU." She began, despite feeling her lips starting to quiver. She pulled out her note pad where a photo of Olivia's Sergeant portrait was hidden. She held it up for Felix to see.

"Do you recognize this woman?"

He nodded. "Yeah. She came into my shop a few days ago."

Amanda hit the spring on her pen and started to write. "What time was this?"

The shop owner blinked. He himself couldn't believe this was happening. But the way he was staring. Like there was guilt in his eyes…

"It was after 10pm." I run the late night shift so my employees don't have to."

"Did you see anything suspicious? Did she say anything to you?"

He nodded again. "She came in, she was bleeding real bad. Didn't look good. Pale in the face. She had a drip. It was all over the floor. I had to clean it up."

"You didn't call the police? Or ask her if she needed help?" Amanda interrogated him.

"Of course I did. She told me don't bother. She _was_ the police. Some of kind of higher up." He shrugged. "She gave me her card, told me to look her up. I did after she left. She popped right up in the search engine so I never called it in."

"Did she buy anything?"

"She asked me if I sell prepaids, and I said yes. She told me she needed one, but that she didn't have any money. She looked like she needed help so I gave it to her and help set it up. She ended up taking my name and address, told me she'd send the money for it in the mail, and not to call anyone or tell anyone she was here. When I found out who she was I kept my word. Figured it was some kind of police business."

"What happened after that?"

"She started to leave, but I talked her into letting me make her a sandwich. I packed it with plenty of meat so her body would get the iron. And then I gave her a bag with a couple of water bottles and boxes of raisins. She thanked me and then she walked out of the door. And that was it."

"Ok, do you keep security cameras?"

"Yes, of course. The other officers confiscated them already to get more information on the investigation."

"Great. Thank you for your time," Amanda mumbled as she stood on her feet.

"Detective?" Felix called after her. "Either way, will you let me know?"

Amanda nodded and descended further down into the alley. Melinda was there holding out a measuring tape over what looked like a body completely charred and crisp.

"Is it her?" She asked as she stared at the body.

"I need to run more tests," Melinda said without looking at her.

Amanda dug her heel in to the ground, allowing herself to become emotional since she was talking to more of a mutual friend. "Melinda, just tell me the truth. I can- I can handle it. And I need to know. I want to know the truth, so please can you just tell me." She begged her, uncaring that she was crying at this point.

Melinda didn't respond other than pulling out a white sheet. And gently covering the body. Her hand stopping to cup the face as she silently closed her eyes. A few minutes went buy, and then the veteran M.E. stood expelling an emotional sigh.

"You know people die everyday. I've seen more dead bodies than I have actual live people. I tell myself that dying is just as long of a line as living. That they're equal. Both running endlessly in the same direction. That one can't exist without the other. It's a circle. It happens to everyone. I've examined family, parents, children, friends and each time I tell myself the same thing. But for someone reason, this time… I can't help but find that too god damned hard to do."

She cleared her throat and offhandedly rubbed her eyes. "Whoever did it, knew what they were doing. The body is burned so there are no finger prints, and the teeth were removed. I'll need to do a full workup to see if there's any blood I can test, but so far the height and the bones are there."

"There the-same?" Amanda hiccuped as she tried and failed to get more air in her lungs.

"There's spacing at the apex of the pelvic bone consistent with pregnancy. That and the fracture are consistent with Olivia. Back when she was attacked and she was forced to go into the labor, her body was in trauma causing the baby to exit at an unnatural angle. His delivery injured her pelvic bone. Of course that fracture has long since healed, but you can still see it. So right now…yes. It's her. But I need to run more tests."

"Blood results take weeks to come in," Amanda pointed out the obvious as she sniffled.

"Not when we're searching the NYPD database. I'll know that in a few hours."

Just then a pair of CSU agents appeared and carefully began lifting the body into the nearest van. Melinda followed them leaving Amanda staring a fraught into the distance.

The next thing she felt was Fin ushering her into a squad car. The three of them were going out for a drink. Really just the two. Carisi couldn't sit still long enough to drink anything. He mumbled a curt, "Fuck this," before climbing out of the booth and exiting the bar all together. Leaving her to face Fin on her own.

"Do you want to get him or should I?" She asked before taking her first cold sip.

"Leave him be. He's not going anywhere." Amanda stared at him. Some part of her bewildered that he was taking all of this so well. She and Carisi had only known Olivia a couple of years. Fin on the other hand had known her for almost 20. They saw each other almost everyday for that matter. If anyone deserved to be emotional it was him, but he didn't bat an eye. This whole case he never once lost his temper.

So she asked him. "How are you holding up with all of this? It's not taking a toll on you?"

He shrugged. "Comes with the territory."

"Yeah, but it's Liv."

"We used to say the same thing about Elliot Stabler."

"Yeah but Stabler didn't have a murder case open on his head. Come on?" She pushed her shoulders up. "You're really going to sit here and tell me none of this is getting to you? Especially after today?"

"What do you want me to say Amanda?" Fin tilted his chin up at her.

"I want you to say that this isn't going on! That this doesn't make any sense. That's it not right. That's what I want you to say to me, Fin." Amanda argued back.

"And if I did what difference would it make? Liv would sill be gone, and we would've still found that body today in the alley. Getting emotional isn't going to make it go away but getting to the bottom of this mess is a start. And I can't do that unless I'm working with a clear head. So that means I've gotta hold it together so you and Carisi can throw your temper tantrums. Do I want to lash out? Sure I do. Am I scared? Of course I am. She's never been gone this long. Half the time I can't think past the moment. But I'm prepared for this. She prepared me for this. And whatever it is, the best I can do is solve it. Is that good enough for you?"

The waiter came by and planted Fin's glass in front of him. Vodka. Straight. Hard liquor no fruits or frills. Just ice. Like him. He stared at it and folded his arms together. It sat in front of him but he didn't move to drink it.

"You know I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw her," Amanda told him. "We had gotten into it over a case. She was packing up to leave and you were waiting for her by the door. And even though we had a rough day, she came over to me and told me good night. Said that I should go home and get some sleep. She had her hand on my back and I moved so she wouldn't be able to touch me anymore. I couldn't even look at her, I was so angry. She was just looking out for me, and I was a bitch." Amanda took another sip. This one longer than the one before. She was desperate to feel that familiar burn in her throat. Desperate to feel anything other than the constant anguish she'd been in since that first night she'd knocked on Olivia's door and opened the investigation.

"The last time I saw Liv, you know what she said to me? 'She said, Fin…I'm terrified. I don't know whether to run and hide or just stand here and show up. Everything keeps falling apart. I don't know what to do. I feel like I could disappear.' I figured, she was just talking shit about the job. She came to me as a friend, asking for advice, and I told her to go home and catch the Nets game. Kick her feet up. So we both fucked up. We all did."

Fin's declaration did little to soothe her though. "Look," he said. "What happened today was hard. I don't think I'll ever forget it or the feeling sitting in my stomach right now. But everybody knows it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. And that bitch better hit it like a mother fucker before I show up."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "How much louder do you expect her to get?"

"I don't know. That's what scares me."

Fin hit the Vodka in one sip, got up from the booth and then put on his jacket. "Where are you going?" She asked him. If he was going to try and investigate more she wanted to go with him.

"Home. Take a shower. Get some sleep. The results will be in, tomorrow morning, and I want to be fresh when I bring that son of a bitch in."

She watched him leave the bar. His nod at plans for David didn't go unmissed as another beer was set down in front of her.

She started to put it to her lips when a faint buzz came from deep in her side.

TARU: FILE OPENED

Her heart skipped a beat. She immediately plucked a twenty from her back pocket and left it on the bar before heading back to the precinct. When she arrived two tech heads were waiting for her. They led her into a private screening room, and there, the laptop was sitting for her arrival.

"I can't take it with me?" Amanda asked an agent as she signed into the room.

"Not this time detective. Due to the sensitive nature, the device will be held in protective custody until the case has been closed."

She paused. That certainly got her attention. "Right. Thank you." She responded.

"One more thing. It looks like some of the files in that folder were deleted. We were able to recover some but don't be surprised if you see a ghost or two."

"Thanks for the heads up."

"Just knock when you're finished." Amanda nodded, walked in and sat down.

The computer blinked at her as she lifted the screen, and like earlier that day she let herself in with Olivia's password and navigated to the folder labeled DAVID. She scrolled until she found the one similarly labeled For Case, and much to her anticipation it opened. Dozens of photos popped up of Olivia and her body, and in all of them she was bruised or bleeding. Indicating that she was in fact in an abusive relationship.

Amanda clenched her jaw, as she highlighted them all, intending for them to be printed out. She frowned at the screen as it prompted an error.

 _The file(s) you've selected can not be printed._

She frowned reading that there were in fact several videos in the folder. She quickly dismissed the error and scrolled to the nearest one she could find. But before she could hit play, she got a group message from Melinda.

Blood test positive for NYPD.

Amanda's heart thudded and then she hit play.

 _ **A review would be so nice! Please and thank you! I'm going through withdrawal without them :'( For those that do leave them though, thank you so much for making my day and encouraging me to keep going!**_


	33. You Again

_Then_

 _February 2017_

She could smell the food as soon as she opened the door that night. She threw her keys on the table and peeled off her coat as the scent lingered. It was the first time she'd come home to a home cooked meal in a long time, and she had to say, it was a bit of a surprise considering. She had barely seen or spoken to David since their fight, much less had dinner with him. He wouldn't come to bed when she went to sleep and he was gone before she'd wake. There was weeks of that. And to be honest she hadn't really minded. She had her own demons she'd been fighting, and she was grateful for the time alone. But dinner was a little unexpected and close for comfort no?

She ascended upstairs until she reached the kitchen where she found David over the stove with a couple of steaks. He was dressed casually in a pair of hard denim jeans and a fresh sweater but there was something clean about him that made her feel like he had plans to go out somewhere. From the looks of it, he was headed all the way over to their dining room table where the lights were dim and a couple bottles of wine waited. She watched him bang some pots around until he noticed her standing in the doorway.

"Hey." He said as he lowered the heat. She didn't respond. "I hope you're hungry, I made us dinner."

"I don't really have an appetite," she told him as she hugged the doorway.

"Really? I made steaks, asparagus…the potatoes how you like. I thought maybe we could talk."

"I'm too tired right now. I'm not in the mood."

He plated the asparagus. "For dinner? You have to eat something." He said as he drew the towel off of his shirt.

"Maybe tomorrow…" She started to head further upstairs but he stopped her as he neared.

"I'm not looking for a fight. I just thought we could spend time together. Try and get it right." He bit an asparagus trying to be sexy. "Come on. Have dinner with me. Food's done."

She was hungry. And the steaks _did_ smell really good. She stared at him and it quickly became clear that he was planning on apologizing for the fight, but she didn't know what she hated more; That it took him so long or that she loved his mashed potatoes too much to say no.

"Dinner. And that's it." He offered her the rest of his asparagus which she ate, but she made a point to bite him when his fingers neared her mouth since he wanted to play games.

"Owe."

"You'll get over it."

She sat down at the dinner table and purposefully ignored the two bottles of wine in front of her while he brought over the food.

"How was work today?"

"…The same."

After that they must've ate in silence for ten minutes before he worked up the nerve to say something.

"How's the steak?"

"Delicious. Thank you."

He hated it when she gave him short one worded answers.

Hated it.

He opened a bottle of wine and poured himself a glass while he tugged at his collar. His body language was giving him all away.

"We haven't really spoken to each other since our fight."

She scraped her teeth on her fork as she bit into a slice of steak. "Hm, I wonder why?"

"I was way out of line-

"You think?"

"I know." He took a sip. "I know I was. And I'm sorry, you didn't deserve it. There's no excuse." His hand covered hers but she didn't respond other than staring at him so he kept talking. "I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I've been having a really hard time with it-

"Like what?"

"You. Us. Everything…." A beat. "If I'm honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't know whether to push you away or love you like I promised. Nothing I do feels right anymore, and I have no one to blame but myself. I took that out on you." He let go of her hand and cut into his plate. "I thought I could make things better between us, but I feel like I've made them worse. You're still so far away. And that hurts me, because you've always had distance in your heart, but not between us. We used to give each other so much love, and now we hardly look at one another."

That was true. Their love had vanished with the attack. David was incredibly unforgiving with her choices, emotionally. He expected her to be around and try and heal together. And she felt she couldn't face him until she had results. Evidence. Something for them both to have closure on. In a way they became very lopsided with each other. And then there was that night she forced him to sleep with her. Which was on every toe and finger, a bad call. She made him feel like shit the way she tried to sweep everything under the rug. The way she tried to hide how she really felt that night. Their sex life after that did a complete 180, and it was painful. Sleeping with him when he was only being conscious of himself brought up a lot of bad memories. But who was she to whine, when she let him. At the time it seemed so logical for her to lie there and take it. That was his way of grieving and being angry and she never faulted him for that until he took it a step too far and they had their fight.

"No matter how much we've hurt each other I want you to know that it doesn't change how I feel about you, or what I want for us. You do know that right?"

Olivia swallowed, wishing desperately that she too had a glass of wine. "I don't see how."

"Well I seem to recall promising you a fresh start. That this year would be different, and I think it could be if you're willing to try. I don't mind doing things on your terms. Olivia, whatever it takes…"

She shrugged, still not impressed with that answer. She didn't feel the need to open up to him. His words did little to erase the weeks of emotional abuse he put her through. Between the lying, the fight, finding him with Abbie and the loss he knew nothing about, it was going to take more if he seriously expected her to forgive him."You lied to my face."

"I did, and I wasn't thinking, but Liv I swear." His fork and knife clanked as he dropped them on his plate and leaned in. "That's never going to happen again. Never."

"All those things you said about me and my past relationships really, _really_ hurt me David. And if I'm being honest, it wasn't so much what you said, because laughably, most of it was true. But how you said it? You wanted to hurt me…" She shrugged, feeling her eyes burn. "Why?" He didn't say anything. "After everything I've been through, after everything I've done for us, why would you do that?"

"I was in a real bad way, Olivia I-

He stilled and swallowed. "It was a long day. It's been a long year…I just needed a minute to gather myself. And then when I came home, and I saw you, I just didn't want to hurt you more by admitting that I was at the bar with Abbie all that time. I didn't even expect you to be awake. So I lied thinking I could still salvage the night. Lord knows I wasn't thinking… And then we got into it and you accused me of cheating on you again and I just got angry. At the time I was thinking I've done everything I can possibly do to fix things between us. Why isn't that enough? Somehow it all just keeps coming down to Abbie." She felt herself tense hearing his partner's name again. She was still so raw about that night she was having an intense physical reaction at the hint of his affair. "I know that my relationship with her has been a thing of issue for a long time. I should've cut ties with her from the beginning if it made you feel insecure."

"If it made _me_ insecure?" Olivia arched her brow.

"Liv, the past year we've both lost touch with each other. I'm not saying I'm any different. I'm just letting you know that I'm pulling my weight. I set up a portal for her to run on her own in Seattle. Since she's my partner she has equal rights to do and act as I do. And she can manage on her own approximately 3,000 miles away."

For some reason she hadn't expected that. Hadn't expected the glassy red glare in his eyes either.

"David-

"It's done. Everyone's better for it."

Olivia felt her cheeks sting as she listened to his words echo in the back of her head. His declaration doing little to resolve the stir in her throat.

"The only person in my life that's irreplaceable is you." He said. "I've been terrified, and I've been unsure. You spend enough time on unsteady ground, you don't know what to believe. Does she still love me? Am I enough? Did I do enough? I don't have those answers. I may never have them. After what happened maybe I deserve that. Just like I don't deserve your trust. I know I've made a mess of things, I know that. But I don't want to live without you. So until we get back to each other, whatever it takes," he repeated.

She stared at him sharply, and accepted that somehow they both knew that an apology wasn't enough. But she didn't really have a choice but to go with it and find some level of forgiveness within her. It wasn't like she and David were dating and she could just break up with him. They were married. What was more, she loved him. She loved him more deeply than anyone she'd ever been with. Even though it had been her choice to keep distance between them she'd be lying to not admit being apart from him was slowly killing her from the inside out.

And she had her reasons for that, she reminded herself silently.

She wiped at her eyes.

"I feel like you're turning into a different person," she told him.

"I know, and I'm working on it." He caressed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"So what? We just go back to normal, just like that?"

"No. We can't ever go back to normal. But we can try." He took her hand again. "Please try."

Please try.

The last time he asked her to try, she promised to do better. But the reality was that she entertained him for a few days until she couldn't stand to be around him anymore, and then declared a work emergency. At the time being around him had been stifling. She carried immense feelings of guilt and grief, and it had been hard staring at him when all she saw was Dominic's face. But it had been close to a year since everything had happened. And Lindstrom had helped her work through most of her feelings and fears. So she was in a better place. Better than she had been. But even still, there was a big part of her that was left unchecked. A part that could only heal with David. She needed him. She needed him now more than ever.

She covered his hand with her free one and leaned into him. "I will," she promised, despite her voice failing her. "But please don't talk to me like that again."

He leaned in and kissed her, whispering "Never." on her lips. She couldn't hold it in and she felt the tears rolling down her cheeks and soon after, David's arms as he held her. He pulled back and thumbed her tears away the way he always did.

"I've done this more than I've cared to during our marriage," he said softly. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."

She kissed the hand still lingering on her face. "Then show me."

He hugged her again, this time tighter than before, and planted a kiss on her cheek.

That night wasn't a bounce back by any means but they did manage to makeup? Hit the reset button? Back track a few weeks to when things were emotionally quieter? They weren't harboring bitterness or anger for each other any more, so she counted that as a win, and laughably recalled how her friends did warn her; marriage is hard work. But as time went on it seemed David was intent on making things easier for her. He started coming by the precinct more the way he used to. The watch she gave him at Christmas quietly returned to his wrist. They were even talking more and that felt good. In a way they had become inseparable again. But falling in love with him again had been too quick and easy, and deep down inside she worried that she was getting to a point of no return. She loved and wanted David so much, it scared her to imagine her life without him. He hadn't just become her husband, he had become her family. Her everything. She had this need to love and please him and be with him that she just couldn't get out of her system. And nothing, not even the rift with Abbie, or the vicious way they fought was enough to tame it. She had this hunger for him that could tolerate so much and she didn't understand it.

If it had been anyone else she would've ended the relationship- if not physically than emotionally, but for some reason knowing that it was David made her pause. Lindstrom said it was her maternal heart coming out. That all that love and energy she had planned on giving her children was now directing itself at David but she didn't know what to believe. They had such a different dynamic as husband and wife that it just didn't seem reasonable to think that way. And yet…

"What's that look?" Amanda had asked her as she came out of her office for coffee. Her budding detective had a knowing smile from ear to ear on her face as she looked up at her.

"What?" She smirked.

"I know that face," Amanda said as she followed her. "Things are coming back for you, aren't they?"

Before she could answer a delivery man came into the precinct and addressed her.

"Lieutenant Benson?"

"Yes?"

"Special delivery." He handed her a large, glossy black box with black ribbon and a hush of pine leaves. She accepted the delivery and brought it over to the nearest table.

"Secret admirer?" Carisi quipped.

Olivia opened the card and found scribbled in brief penmanship the words, _Working on it_.

The box was from David she realized. "Something like that," she murmured before ultimately returning to her desk with it. She opened the box and nestled under white tissue paper was a soft pale blue dress and a stock card that said, _Wear Me._

She shook her head, smiling quietly because he was completely insane. She looked at her watch. She hadn't planned on being at the precinct much longer. It was a quarter after 8...She had a couple of more notes to write out for tomorrow morning but other than that she was in the clear. She finished up quick, got dressed and met Fin at the door.

He shot a knowing glare at her and sucked his teeth. "I know your ass is gonna be late tomorrow."

"Stop," she hit his arm. "It's not like that at all."

"Oh it's not?" He arched his brows at her. "Liv, the dude has a black car waiting for you outside, and he ain't even in it. The last time he did this shit, you ain't come back for like three days. I'm not mad at you, but let's be real."

"We're probably just going to dinner. I promise. I owe you some weekend time, I'll be back," she smiled at him as they rode the elevator. "I'll make sure."

"Don't worry about it, I'm just messing with you. I want you to have a good time. You deserve it." He said as he walked outside. He helped her into the car and waved good bye as she drove away.

She was thankful he was so understanding because unlike she thought, they weren't going to dinner at all. The driver had left the city and was heading up north. And they drove for a while, almost an hour. In fact the location was so far away that she almost pulled out her phone to call David, but then she saw the lights on the road, guiding them to what looked like some sort of old air hangar. And it was there she saw David standing next to a sleek mini jet and what looked like an experienced co pilot. He was dressed to perfection in one of his evening suits and he was smiling devilishly at her as he opened the door.

"Good to see you Lieutenant."

"What are you doing?" She asked nervously as she got out of the car and stared at the plane. She'd never seen anything like it. It was an all black sleek looking thing. A sports commodity that she'd sooner see in an action movie or something, not with her own two eyes.

"Taking you for a ride."

Her eyes shot up at him. He wasn't serious. "Not in that thing."

"Why? You don't trust me?" He grinned.

The co pilot over heard them talking and chimed in with a smile of his own. "Don't worry ma'am. I'll be with you the whole time."

"So what do you say?" David smirked.

"No." Absolutely not. Hell no.

He walked around her, and held steady with her eyes until he stood strong at her ear. "It's a Cobalt Valkyrie, Liv. That thing would make Batman weak in the knees. You won't be in any danger, I promise." He whispered as he got behind her. "Trust me." He whispered again, peeling the coat off her shoulders. She shivered as the air caught in her throat at the amount of intimacy he was giving her in front of a stranger. The way his hands had brushed over shoulders, the way she could feel his eyes thick and heavy on her backside even though she couldn't see him, even the way he protectively pulled her closer by her middle. Exerting control and ownership, asserting protection and thrill. She was in her forties and this man was giving her full blown teenage butterflies. Her heart pounded hard beneath her chest feeling his body shield around hers for the first time in months.

"Don't worry, I'll have you back by midnight," he said softly.

The co pilot opened the doors of the valkyrie and she felt herself falter again. It was a two seater. One person in the front. One person in the back.

"He'll hold us the whole time?" She reiterated as her hand fell on top of his.

"Just get in," he gruffed, planting a kiss inside her hair.

She moved forward and walked carefully towards the plane where she was ushered into the frontal cockpit. David climbed in gently behind her and helped buckle her in.

"You look beautiful," he told her as he drew the straps over her breasts. And he of course waited until she had been strapped in and incapable of moving before leaning in to kiss her. The first real kiss she got from him since she came home from the hospital. She almost started to cry it felt so good. The warmth of it went straight to her pussy, and she had to close her legs beneath him to ease the tension that was getting to her.

Thankfully the co-pilot interrupted them and David pulled away to grab a pair of headsets. One for her and one for him. He gently secured one over her head and tugged at her belt.

"Don't go anywhere." He told her, before settling in, in the seat behind her. Looking at all the numbers and gadgets light up in the darkness as the door closed behind him took her breath away. "Do you know what all of this means?" She asked him through the headset.

"I do. Just don't touch anything."

The gate in front of them opened up and they slowly began moving towards the runway. They drove at a automobile driving pace, wrapping around the avenues of the lift, until a familiar voice tuned into the headsets.

"You're clear for take off Mr. and Mrs. Haden. Fly safe."

"Thank you Charlie."

Her heart thudded in panic. "Wait a minute- I thought you said he was going to fly with us in tandem."

"Did I?" David smirked.

Then without any warning the plane bolted forward, her whole body pinning hard against the seat until it became impossible for her to feel anything as they rushed into the sky. Fast, and fast and fast until they were swimming in nothing but endless miles of stars. Even when they leveled out, and her stomach had fell back into place, the feeling of being completely weightless remained. And she was addicted to it. It was as if for that one night, that one glimmering moment with him in the sky, the whole world was right. She couldn't think about anything past the moment. Not the attack, not any of the pain they'd both gone through, nothing. Everything just melted away. For the first time in months she felt like she could breathe.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" He asked through the headset.

It was. It really, really was. Living in the city they didn't get to see the stars because of the blinding lights, but up here they seemed to go on for miles on end and she was mesmerized.

"I didn't know you could fly," she said as they started to glide.

"It's one of my many hidden talents." He told her. "Are you having fun?"

"Maybe."

"That's not good enough."

She froze realizing what she just tempted him to do. "No. No don't do anything cr-

Before she could even finish her sentence he thrusted the jet forward full speed and she lost her head. She couldn't hold it in and she started screaming laughing as David flipped the plane over and over and over again. And they went blazing through the sky like fire in the night.

"There's that laugh," she heard him say.

And they went spiraling again until the thrill had set deep into their bones. Their night only ending when Charlie had broken in to warn of an incoming rain storm. But even then, David had made the most of the ride until it was time to descend expertly back on the runway. They were just in time too, because the rain was starting to get heavy.

"Unbuckle your seatbelt. We're going to have to make a run for the hangar and it's going to be cold."

Olivia did as he asked but it was hard. Her hands and legs were still shaking with excitement. He opened the door when they were both ready to get out and they were met with Charlie.

"Take it back to the Ranch upstate," she heard David say as she started to run. It was freezing. Never mind that it was raining in the dead of February but her dress was short sleeved and thigh length, and she was in extremely unforgiving heels.

David followed her running back to the hangar but as they approached the gate, it became apparent they were locked out.

"Oh god, what are we going to do?"

David grabbed her and shielded her from the cold. His head whipping around for the nearest shelter.

"I'll call my guy for the car." He nodded towards the phone booth a few feet away from them. "Come on."

Hand in hand they ran again across the runway until they reached the phone booth where they both tried to huddle inside a space that was clearly meant to occupy one individual. It was impossibly tight, especially for two people of their size. She shivered hard as David shut the door closed behind them. He hugged the telephone receiver in an effort to keep his weight off her and dialed for the car. The driver was still twenty minutes out.

"Are you alright?" He asked her as he hung up. She nodded, but she still couldn't stop shaking, still couldn't feel the ground, still didn't have the ability to think. She felt just as weightless standing in the phone booth as she had up 35000 miles in the air.

She panted hard beneath him trying to catch her breath. She didn't know what to say, but she could tell whatever she needed to was clear all over her face. He was panting too as he hovered above her. Her dress which was now clinging to her body, had turned sheer. And he could just begin to make out her nipples poking out from the cold.

He cupped one and an involuntary sigh escaped her mouth. Then without warning she cupped his hand back, leaned in and kissed him. And before either of them knew it, there was no turning back. There was just him, and her. The way it used to be.

She closed her eyes feeling his lips bite her lips as he failed to hold her her closer. He lifted her up in his arms and slammed her body up against the glass while she struggled to get her legs around him. They kept slipping off his hips between the rain and the wetness and the urgency. She kissed him harder feeling him wrap his arm under her and hitch her dress up at the same time before unzipping his own pants and releasing his cock. She moaned in his mouth feeling him plant between her legs. The familiar feeling of his length and hardness beat at her heart with anticipation. But he didn't start. Not right away. First he took his time with her mouth, then her breasts. Sucking and tugging at the nipples that would freeze cold from the air every time he left them.

Hot and cold. Hot and cold. Hot and cold.

The sensation of him sucking the rain water out of her dress and pinching her nipples with his lips killed her. And all the while, all she wanted to do was repay him, but there was no room for her to. She couldn't reach the thickness nestled between her thighs. She could barely move her hips against him. She was completely pinned. Her only choice to let him know she was with him was to completely surrender. That was the thought that was going through her head when she felt his hand in between her legs. Surrender.

She felt him tugging at her g-string. Felt his hand ball into a fist around it. He exhaled roughly until they could both feel it tear between them. And then he was back. He was close again. His eyes were in hers and hers were in his. She could feel him moving against the lips of her pussy. His head both stroking and sliding in with her juices. It was almost too much for him, and she thought for sure he'd cum without making it inside. It had been that long for them, she wouldn't have been surprised. But he planted his hand above her head. Sheltering them both. And she realized in that moment that he was asking for permission. She closed her eyes too overwhelmed with the gesture because it was something the old him would do. And she nodded. Her eyes opening again as she felt him try and fail to make it inside.

He was too big to be gentle about it. He had to be rough. After a lot of stabbing he impaled her and she couldn't pretend it wasn't an intrusion and the shaking gasp of air from her lips was the indication that it was too much too soon. But he knew it and he waited. Used the time to fall into her eyes again, to taste her lips. Each kiss, as their mouths twisted, lessened the pain. So they went on and it felt like hours before he sunk all the way in. After that she felt a series of long, deep strokes, each one reaching for her center. It took a minute for her body to register that the feeling was good. That it was what she wanted. She'd recovered from Dominic and she'd recovered from her miscarriage, but she'd lost trust in herself and her body to feel pleasure in this. It took a minute to kick in. The addictingly delicious tight fit, how wet she'd become. Her head was still lost from the flight. It was a mixture of exhilaration, adrenaline, and impulse.

She wrapped her arms around his neck as he started to thrust harder inside her. Couldn't get over the erotic feeling of her body sliding against the glass, or how intense it was having him stare into her eyes the way he was staring. Their reunion was as emotional for him as it was for her. She shivered as his hand slammed beside her face, gripping onto the fog as he plunged deeper into her pussy, forcing her to moan louder. They were getting to be primal. Animalistic. Her fingers wrapped around the buttons of his shirt and balled into a fist but she didn't have the concentration or the control that he had to break the buttons open. How could she when his tongue was dancing on hers, licking the inside of her cheek, and then her jaw? He was trying, quite literally to devour her.

Her hand shot up and reached for anything. More glass. More wall. The thin silver pole at the roof of the box meant for hanging dry cleaning or an umbrella. She gripped as he slammed up against her cervix. His thick beautiful cock doing everything to push her over the edge. The rod cut into her hand as her stomach started to tighten. The pressure building up in her head was so strong that she was starting to black out. It was the pleasure reigniting itself. All of it coming and happening so quickly, it was impossible to maintain control or even process that it was happening. The pole collapsed and fell around them hitting the floor as she wept out her passionate cry. The feeling of her orgasm was so powerful that it was blinding. Her body entered a faint state as her eyes went black. The only thing that kept them open was the pleasure that wouldn't stop. And even though she couldn't see anything, and David's face had begun to blur, she bravely asked for more.

" _Love me. Love me. Love me harder baby."_

Those were the first words and only words that were spoken in the midst of their tryst, and boy did it pay off. She groaned feeling David rip her dress open down the middle pulling and grabbing for her breast with his mouth. Freely marking them leaving her with love bites all over. It was then she felt the next one. While he was sucking the blood from her skin the pressure at her clit built up. And it was the twist in her nipples left unattended, still freezing from cold air that did it. He groaned above her, fighting with her body to keep moving. It was hard to keep steady though and she could tell he was getting close. She locked her legs around him tighter, edging him on. This time ready and unafraid for anything and everything he had to give her. Her hand pressed up against his chest. She could feel his heart beat beneath her palm. And she knew that no matter what happened she wanted to be with him. And she didn't want to lose him again.

"I love you, Liv," he kissed her again. "I love you. I love you-

He was cut short by the intense shivering and shaking of his own orgasm as he exploded inside her with a huge load in declaration. She moaned sensually, crying out because it felt so warm and thick. His final thrusts kissing and nurturing her into another gripping orgasm of her own. It was forever before they seemed to stop. Both of them clinging together, panting out of breath. He brushed his fingers through her hair and pulled her head towards his lips so he could gently kiss the sweat from her forehead.

Both were too exhausted to do or say anything other than kiss. They were down to the most natural and basic necessities of their soul. They had forgotten completely about anything having to do with thought or reason. There was nothing but loving and they both submitted to its arms. She sniffled as she kissed his neck, inhaling the faint scent of his skin beneath the rain. The scent of him doing enough to soothe her into comfort because he felt like home. And inside, her heart was still beating a million miles a minute. She was still up in the clouds with him, and that's where she wanted to stay. But they were only free to for another thirty seconds. She whimpered feeling an intense vibration on the apex of her thigh.

David dug in his pocket and retrieved his cell phone. He was so out of breath he couldn't even put his words together when he answered the phone. "…Hello?…Yes, thank you. We'll be right out."

She looked over his shoulder and saw flashing lights coming down the runway. She blinked, her head still not registering that in a few minutes they were going to have to separate and leave the small shelter they'd taken up together.

But she had nothing to wear. Her dress was barely hanging on to her.

"What are we going to do?" She echoed. Her breasts were full on exposed, the dress was ruined and what was left was leaving very little to imagination.

"You take my jacket and tie your dress around your waist."

"What about you?" She asked him as she watched him remove his shirt, rendering him half naked.

"It's just until we get to the car. I'll be fine. I'm sure the heat will be on." He leaned into her and kisses her again "Are you ready?"

She nodded, bracing herself as she felt him leave her. He tried to be gentle but the emptying feeling was unavoidable. And she was really tender. It took her a minute to find her footing again. Her legs were shaking, and wasn't from the cold.

She wrung her dress out and tied it tight around her hips, while he did the same to his jacket before awkwardly helping her arms into it.

"Ok. Let's go."

He tripped over the bar she broke as he tried to open the door and she couldn't help but snort behind him.

"It's not funny," he grinned as he opened the door.

"Yes it is."

She shivered violently as the cold coming back, but was thankful at least the car was right outside waiting to take them home.

 _Because I just finished Fifty, From the moment she arrives at the air base, One last night. Vaults. ;)_

 _Please, please, please review!_


	34. Rotting In Hell

_Then_

 _March 2017_

The sound of an incoming email was enough to pull her attention away from a case file. She carefully read the headline in bold. _Dear Mrs. Haden_ **.** She smiled and double clicked on the window where a short message was waiting for her.

 _Love you. Come home soon._

He said the same thing to her that morning before kissing her out the door. Her cheeks warmed thinking about him. Things had been that good between them. At his request, she tried things his way for a while, and she had to say they were doing better. She was still struggling with her own demons but having David at her side and not being afraid of their life together was paying off. These days she was happier. They both were. Their new big thing was communication which was something she had never been any good at, but they were doing it now all the time. They would make love and then talk themselves to sleep. Wake up, talk again over breakfast. And it was very so far so good.

She bit her lip and started to type back but a soft knock at her door stilled her fingers. She frowned and put her glasses back on. She could just begin to make out the handsome cool boy look of Mike Logan hanging idly outside her door. She quickly looked down at her calendar before pulling off her glasses. She wasn't expecting him at all. She got up and quickly opened the door and was surprised to see Ted Randall standing next to him but out of view. She stiffened in the chest but Mike's energy had caught her attention even more.

"Hey, I called Fin. He said you weren't busy." Behind him she could see her partner standing up from his desk and putting on his coat to join them. "Is it alright if we come in?"

She looked back at Ted, who was glaring at her, but she just opened the door wider and said, "Of course."

"This is a nice surprise," she said as she closed it behind them.

Mike handed her a manilla envelope as he slumped into her couch. Ted attempted to sit down too but Mike gave him a look that negated his wants. She stared at them both and held the envelope as her curiosity got to the better of her. Mike leaned up on his knees though and held out her hand to stop her.

"Don't open that until you're ready," he breathed.

She frowned as she stared back down at it. It was blank aside from a confidential stamp. Even stranger, was how out of breath Mike seemed to be. To be honest, the man had been kind of frantic when she opened the door on him but she chalked it to the mid day angst.

She looked at Fin who approached her and stood like an animal on guard next to her. The room suddenly becoming stifling. "What's going on?" She asked Mike with a worried scrunch on her brow.

"We got him."

"Him, who?" She heard herself ask. When he didn't answer she caught on immediately and opened up the folder in her hand. She breathed steady as she swirled the thin string around in a singular motion, while sweat broke out on her upper lip and her ears clogged. The envelope fell to the floor as she pulled out the case folder.

"Liv." She heard Fin warn. But she was passed warning. She wanted to look him in the eye. She wanted to see his face. She wanted to know who it was. She opened up the case file and found pages and pages of intel on one Dale Stuckey. Something twisted deep in her gut and a bitter taste like gasoline entered her mouth. She looked over the photographs and pages and pages of what looked like a confession. Her eyes ran frantic over his words but she failed to get far seeing the big ones like _hanging out of her….blood everywhere….baby._

Her heart thudded hard underneath her chest. So hard she could hear and feel it hitting up against her ribs. She clutched the folder tightly in her hands as she closed it again.

"I don't understand. I thought he wasn't involved," she heard herself say, her body very noticeably going into autopilot.

Mike looked at Ted who timidly cleared his throat. The point of his presence suddenly becoming clear. Mike wanted him in the room after what he did to her in the elevator. Ted harassed her and accused of her of having something to do with the person who attacked her, but that wasn't the case at all.

"That information was fed to you. It was him." Fed to her. Her eyes widened. But all she could see was David standing over her that day she woke up in the hospital. And further back, when she'd been standing on her tip toes to kiss him at home while Dominic was still alive, kicking inside her. The images of her pregnancy seemed to flicker over and over again, like the pages of a scrapbook, or a bad light in an old closet. Her breath hitched as she felt the pain in her abdomen return. And she closed her eyes feeling Fin's hand secure itself at her back in a gesture that was both endearing and professional at the same time.

She swallowed feeling strength in him. "Why?" She heard herself ask.

Why was the information fed to her?

"He was acting as an informant to the Feds. He got out on good probation, and they set him up in a small apartment in Hell's kitchen. He laid low for a couple of months but soon after we believe he got an interest to finish what he started after Elizabeth turned up poisoned. He was of course heavily vetted and suspected to have involvement but he had a credible alibi. We think the Feds either took the bait or in the case that he had an accomplice they decided to look the other way, we're not sure, but he stayed on as an informant for another few weeks and then he hit again when he came to see you. The commissioner tells me CSI ID'd him the night of, but because of the case the Feds were working on they sealed off the evidence as non proprietary." Olivia scoffed. The animal who beat her child out of her was non proprietary. She felt acid circle around her throat as she tried to swallow. Her cheeks flushed and then suddenly she felt something intense rise within her. It wasn't anger. It was worse than anger. Worse than rage. Worse than blackest fires of hell. She'd never felt anything like it before in her life. All the years she'd worked at SVU. All the perps and scumbags to get underneath her skin, and she'd never once felt what she felt in that moment. Her skin was on fire. Felt like she was back in the shack with Lewis, only instead of feeling like the prey she'd become the predator, and there was no telling how thick the heat was going to get. "The department's always known, the only reason why it was barred off was because they knew you would try and interfere if you knew the truth."

She clenched her teeth together as she held steady. She was fumigating. Couldn't respond.

"They didn't even feel the need to notify us that he was out?" Fin barked.

"I asked the Commissioner the same thing this morning. He told me you guys were working on some sort of legislation that supported his release. They thought you knew."

If Olivia thought the floor had been pulled out from underneath her before. She blinked, turning into Fin whispering as she started to burn in anguish. "Rafa. The backlog."

That morning. The day it happened. Barba had called the precinct all day- days before that. He kept calling. Trying to warn her that there had been a loop. Her head swelled and throbbed. She was losing adrenaline too fast. Her heart was in her throat, she couldn't breathe. And every time she moved she felt dizzy. As if at any moment she could slip and her head would smack against the floor. Her mouth was dry. Parched. Felt like she'd stuffed fist fulls of paper down her throat. And her hands were shaking. Her nerves a complete reck and so fragile against the moment.

She couldn't put into words what she felt. Guilt? Fear? Shame? Couldn't decipher what felt worse either. Knowing the attack could've been prevented, or knowing that she had orchestrated in Stuckey's release. The bill she fought to pass for the backlog that sought to release defendants who were falsely accused in rape cases was the same bill that got Stuckey out. How that was even possible when he hadn't been accused of raping anyone was beside her, but her eyes closed as tears came just the same. She stood behind Fin with her back turned to Mike and Ted, a close hand securely wrapped around her now nonexistent swell. She swallowed carefully as the realization came that Elizabeth had also tried to warn her on the day that that she'd been poisoned. And another opportunity to protect herself, and save her baby's life had slipped through the cracks.

Meaning everything. All of it. The whole thing was her fault.

"Ok well we'll get to that later. Where is he now?" She heard Fin ask.

"He's still in the city. The other squadrons are having a hard time looking for him, but I got a tip from some hard ass in Organized Crime. After I took a look at your history together I tracked him down on a hunch. I thought you might want to bring him in." Randall answered.

"Thank you we'll take it from here," Fin shook Mike and Ted's hand.

"I'll do my best to hold them off," Mike told them. Olivia said nothing as Fin walked them out. Everything inside her wanted to fall apart but she couldn't. She was like a broken mirror. All the shards of glass shattered in place waiting to fall from the frame.

She watched Fin turn on his heel. "So the way I see it, only four of us know where that mother fucka's at. You can go in hot and balls blazing if you want, but if someone killed my child, I'd bring essential personnel only, but it's your call. How do you want to do this?"

She felt a rippling flame ignite on her chest, and then engulf her entire being. Felt the heartbreak burn and rage. Furiously. Feverishly. The pain and anguish so powerful she couldn't see straight. She stiffened helplessly, the hair rising on her nape as she stared blankly at Fin. Her mind twisting and turning and knotting because he'd been under her nose the whole time. Because Elizabeth had said his name on her deathbed, and she didn't investigate it when she could've had him months ago.

Or not, because he was tied into something bigger she thought bleakly.

She sat down feeling her stomach start to shake. She was going to be sick. A hard thick knot settled deep at the bottom of her throat. It made breathing harder. Made the air in her lungs burn like fire. Everything was burning. Her cheeks. Her womb. Her heart. Everything. Pain didn't even begin to describe what she was feeling. And she couldn't think. Couldn't handle the thought that Stuckey had somehow got attached to her backlog bill. She couldn't even digest it. Her work. Her marriage. Her kids. All of it ruined because of her.

"Do you want me to call David?" She clenched her jaw when Fin said his name, and she started to burn even hotter. She shook her head no facing the portrait of them together face down on her desk. She swiped at her eyelids feeling an acidic tear slip down her cheek.

"No I want you to call Nick," she croaked. "Tell him to be ready to leave in ten minutes."

"Liv…" She heard the warning in Fin's voice but the look she made sure to give him stopped him from saying anything further.

She shivered hearing him leave her office. The disruption in motion caused her laptop to boot back up, and once again she was staring at David's email.

 _Love you. Come home soon._

She slammed the screen shut and walked out of her office intent on suiting up.

Twenty minutes later she Nick and Fin were on the road with a small swat team. She didn't want to take any chances with the bust and intel said they'd find Stuckey in a warehouse by the Hudson so she had to order the extra weight. If for no other reason than to help with the arrest, then to be a witness for how she was going to have to walk in there. Everything inside her wanted to ruin Stuckey but because she was the victim she couldn't touch him. She had to play by the rules and do it right. She exhaled shakily as she tightened her vest outside the van.

"You got everything you need?" Nick asked her as she adjusted the straps.

She didn't respond, other than pulling at her holster where her gun lay. Her fingers closed around the cool black iron as she lifted it from her side.

"Fin," she heard herself say. She felt him appear at her side and she handed the gun to him. "Is everything ready?" She asked him. He nodded in response. "You take half go around the back. Nick and I will take the rest and hit the front."

Fin took her firearm and even though he didn't need to be told, he shot a look at Nick, "You take care of her. Not a scratch, Amaro."

Nick nodded sticking his ear piece in before motioning for their half to get in line. "Just like old times," He told him. And like she knew he would, he waited until Fin had disappeared down the block to hold her. She closed her eyes feeling his arms shield her.

"You don't have to go in there," he whispered softly. She leaned in feeling him kiss her cheek. It was the intimacy she wanted, free of the fear and guilt that there would've been with David, but it wasn't the intimacy she needed. Not now. She pushed him away and put some distance between them. Took a minute to catch the air from the bay, looking for anything to be rid of the heat that was consuming her in that moment. But she knew, just like she knew being with Lewis, that the only way out was through. She inhaled sharply and turned back around. Her cheeks were flushed. Her skin was still on fire. Most of it now raw. Her arms were stinging. And she couldn't stop sweating. She wiped her forehead and paced back towards the van grabbing their pair of walkie talkies.

"It's my son," She told him. "He took my son Nick." She pressed the caller into his chest and looked him in the eye. "He tried beating me to death and when that didn't work, he watched me go into labor and then he crushed my son's skull open. Cracked it there on the pavement. So I'm going in there. And you better pray that someone other than Fin or I finds him. Because if one of us does, he's not going to make it out that building alive."

"There will be witnesses," Nick warned.

"Plenty." She shut the door of the van and gave him a look because she was prepared for this. Had been planning this silently since she'd woken up to a lock of hair and a few ghastly images to share what was left of her baby. All the months she spent driving herself into work, forcing a wedge into her marriage so she could find this son of a bitch. All the pain she caused David, and caused herself hunting him down instead of staying home like he wanted her to. Oh she had planned. And every obstacle she anticipated, every decision she had made that lead up to this moment was careful. She did everything by the book like Ed told her. Because he was in on it too. Had been from the beginning. He would come by with Marisol and the kids, they would have dinner with the family and pretend like everything was normal but he was really there for her. Letting her know without raising suspicion how to cut the corners, beat the paperwork.

Step one, go in without a gun.

Step two bring plenty of witnesses.

Step three bring a decoy.

She knew if Nick thought she was going to kill Stuckey he'd act first. Try to salvage her career, her humanity, because it was obvious she wasn't thinking clearly. And that was true. She wasn't. But she had planned. And Nick's gun was loaded with sleep darts. She and Fin had someone driving the van that would carry the body back into the city. So when the time came, without knowing it, Nick was going to lead her right to him. He loved her that much. He was that blind.

"Let's go," she told him.

They both took their place behind the door of the entrance. She sniffled as her arm hit the brimstone with force, filling her lungs with red soot from the brick. Waited as Fin came in on the ear piece to let her know that they were in position. She nodded at Nick and he gave the go ahead to bust the doors wide open. Flames that couldn't be seen engulfed her and she closed her eyes feeling Lewis's gun pointed at her head. Saw the way he smiled at her when he loaded the gun. But before he could open his mouth she was shoved forward by the cops beside her as they entered into the warehouse. It was dark, and abandoned. Even in the daylight there was barely anything to see but shadow and dust. They moved quickly and silently, taking the stairs two at a time to reach and clear each floor. There were twelve total, and each one she prayed Fin would get there first to give her the signal.

"Do you smell that?" Nick asked her as they approached the fourth. She had smelled something was off from the moment they walked in, but she hadn't said anything, because she didn't care. Either way she wasn't going to be stopped. Up they went. Fifth floor. Sixth floor. Seventh floor. Eighth. Until the stench had suffocated them all. It was cold and heavy like a thick stale rot that seemed to settle in the gut and spread into the throat. It clung to the cement and it was so bad, that she had to short breath the rest of the way. It wasn't enough to just breathe through the mouth, that only caused the taste to set in. By the time they reached the tenth floor they were sprinting to get fresh air. The smell was quite literally crawling on their skin.

They broke open on the 12th to another sprawling floor with Fin's crew coming quickly behind on the south end. Only this time instead of an empty hall of lights there was a body waiting for them in the middle of the floor. Olivia shivered, feeling time and space collapse on itself as the sound of heavy boots running towards the figure began to plague her. The body was moving. Festering.

"What is that!" She heard Fin yell as they ran closer. She couldn't concentrate on an answer though. She was too busy trying to keep up with Nick, who was running a lot faster and harder than she was. She panted forcing herself not to drag the smell into her lungs, suffocate, or worse vomit on the hot air. But the sight of blood on the floor kept her going. In her rush she saw a rat scurry past her feet and then her eye caught sight of another one carrying something in it's mouth.

"Back, back, back, back!" Nick warned. "Get back!"

She finally caught up to him, running into his forearm only to be pushed forcibly back on her heels. A deaf, spine tingling chill rushed up to the nape of her back as she heard the men around her gag and protest. Their voices raging as they called it in. She stared at the body, and flinched hearing gun shots go off as the swat team tried and failed to catch the rats crawling out of the intestines.

Lying in the cold the carcass was naked, twisted and disfigured, it's stomach completely gutted. Much of the skin and meat had liquified or been feasted on by maggots. And perhaps most uneasy of all was the face. It was completely collapsed in and unrecognizable. The hands were tied behind the back, also twisted and broken. The feet too. But most noticeable of all was the decay. It was obvious the body had been there a long time.

"Get CSI down here. Bag him up!" Fin growled.

"Liv?" Nick blocked her view and gripped her by the vest. "Let's go. You need some air." She looked at him ready to protest, but she must've been standing there for a while because when she looked around she saw the room was empty aside from the two of them. They took the elevator on the way down. Nick was sweating, kept pulling at his collar as he stood next to her.

"Fin said it looked like a Narcotics hit. Makes sense if he went through cartel to get the drugs needed to kill Elizabeth." He said.

She brushed the moistures off her cheek with her shoulder. "We don't know that was him," she responded. She felt Nick's eyes on her staring thoughtfully. She knew he thought she was way in over her head, but once again, she didn't care. She texted Fin to confirm the address with Ted and Mike and quickly got off the elevator desperate to embrace the clean air. Outside the men were huddled together. Two or three had gotten sick, but they held it together for the most part until CSI showed up.

"You're not going back to the precinct?" Nick asked as he peeled off his vest and poured a water bottle over his head.

"No. I'm going to wait," she told him taking a sip of her own before planting herself at the nearest bench on the pier. Everyone else eventually packed up and left but she stayed, and Nick did too. They sat together in silence watching the bay. Feeling the air cleanse them from the death that seemed to stick to cling to them. An hour passed. Then another. And another. And another. But she didn't move. She couldn't. Wouldn't until she knew for sure that it was him. Her stomach eventually started to nauseate when it became clear she wasn't getting up to pee. The sweat on her upper lip still lingered even though she could feel the breeze from the water. And all the while she was in stillness. Her skin gradually accepting the chill as her body temperature began to lower. She tensed hearing Nick's phone ring.

He answered it and looked at her. "It's Fin…your phone is off." He pulled the phone from his ear and put it on speaker phone. "Liv, it's him." The pressure exploded in the front of her face as if someone had taken a club to her cheek bones. Her stomach dropped. Flew straight into the ground, and she felt her hands started shaking again. She swallowed carefully as she felt herself rush out of the depth she'd been in, and come up for air. Her heart thudded as she felt the phantom pain come to a still within her. The line went dead as Fin approached them from behind, but she was reacting too fast. She felt Nick first holding her from the front and then Fin eventually holding her from the back as she cried violently into both of their arms.

By the time they made it back to the precinct it was late and she was completely and utterly spent. Drained both physically and emotionally. The heat was gone but the shaking, the headaches and nausea remained. She nursed herself with hard aspirin as she and Fin huddled in her office with Melinda.

"I need to spend more time with him to get an exact description but I know you've waited long enough, so I'll spare you the details," the senior M.E. said. "Whoever got to him, did a real dance number on him. To be frank, I haven't seen moves this killer since MJ introduced the moonwalk in '83. He had a couple of large bone fractures on the right side of his body from blunt force trauma. I usually see that kind of damage in hit and runs. So it's evident the killer must've hit him with a car to incapacitate him and move him to the location. He lost most of his teeth in decay but there were a couple that were lost from taking a couple of nasty beatings to the face. The evidence that he was kept and tortured is substantial. The state of the body and the bones indicate that he was kept unbathed and malnourished. He was fed little to no food or water. I found traces of vomit and more rat material in his post mortem defecation."

"So somebody fed him his own vomit and bag full of dead mice?" Fin asked, stating the obvious.

"Well I hear if you skin and roast them, they're not all that bad." Fin's chin jutted as he gave Melinda a look. "There were traces of urine on his skin. No other bodily fluids though. Interestingly enough, CSI found cases of epinephrine and caffeine, indicating the killer knew what he was going. He wanted Stuckey awake and alive to endure it all. Lots of things could've killed him, but most likely it was the large blunt force object the killer used to break the face."

"Like what? A baseball bat?" Fin asked again.

"No. Baseball bats usually crush from the side and wrap around to indent on the nose. The blows that Stuckey took were much more controlled and intimate. He may have used a bowling ball or something else with a large curved surface. As for the rest, he endured more of the gruesome details post mortem. It's unclear when, but the killer left preservative food able to last long in open air to attract the mice."

Olivia stopped listening as she sat down at her desk, her eyes once again drawn to the manilla envelope that Ted and Mike left behind. With Stuckey dead and out of the way, now was as good a time as any to figure out what he'd been doing in the interim. She stared at the file, with the added photos from Melinda's brief Olivia wanted to drag him in court, rip his face off, burn him, beat him, chop him up and serve him in dumplings to go with a side of egg foo young, but every despicable unimaginable thing she wanted to do, was already done she realized as she flipped through the photos.

"I'll keep you updated if I hear anything else," she heard her tell Fin. He closed the door as he showed her out, and the blindfolds with it.

"Well that went well." He quipped.

She shrugged. "I just wish I'd gotten to him first."

Fin came around to lean next to her desk. "The way I see it, it's a win-win. The dude spent the last few weeks of his life in hell. The way we found him, is something not even you in all your rage are capable of. He met his end with the worst. He suffered more than you wanted, and he rotted like the piece of shit scumbag he was. We didn't even have to do anything. You get to come out of this clean with your respect and your humanity in tact, and he gets to burn in hell for what he did."

She looked at him. Felt the urge to say "That's not enough," dance on her tongue, and exhaled sharply, but before she could argue, she saw Amanda knock on her door. They both looked over at her.

"Do you want me to tell her?"

"No," she told him. "Keep this between us. They don't need to know right now. I need them focused on the desk because I don't think I can sit here much longer. You can tell them when things quiet down." She told him, flipping once more through the intel Mike left behind.

Fin didn't respond other than walking out and ushering Amanda away from her office. Alone at last, she read the information in front of her. Everything was in it, from the substance created to poison Elizabeth to photographs of her injuries post attack, everything. She couldn't face reading his confession, but what she did lean into was his address in Hell's Kitchen. He had been staying in a community housing unit with other ex convicts since his release. The address was a twenty minute drive from the precinct. She typed the location into her GPS on her cell phone, packed up her bags, grabbed her keys and left to go check it out. Which was a big deal she knew, considering she hadn't asked Fin to walk her to her car. But as she found out earlier that day, she didn't need him anymore.

She threw her bag and keys into the passenger seat as she got in, and immediately turned the air conditioning on because the heat had come back. It wasn't as intense as it was before. It felt more like a hot flash, but it was heat all the same. Her cheeks were flushed all over again as she backed out of her parking space. Her palms sweating on the steering wheel.

She must've made it two blocks down the road before her thoughts started to revisit her earlier conversation with Mike and Ted. She couldn't digest Stuckey getting out on her backlog bill yet, but the fact that the police department, an organization she'd dedicated over fifteen years of her life to, had betrayed her by covering Stuckey up. She was fumigating. Didn't know if she'd ever forgive what they did. Even if the feds were using Stuckey as an informant, she deserved to know who it was. If she had an ounce of the closure that she had that morning, just in finding out who it was a few months ago…it would've changed things for her. For her marriage. Maybe even her pregnancy. Not knowing had been her number one reason for wanting to abort. It was something she was extremely sensitive about, and they kept it from her. Everyone. Dodds. The commissioner. Cragen possibly. The more and more she climbed into the web, the more and more she recalled coming back to work and watching Don deflect every time she asked him if he heard anything. She scoffed coming to a red light.

The entire thing was unbelievable. A nightmare. David would probably get the head to sue if she told him the truth.

She parked in front of a bodega, and unbuckled her seatbelt before shoving her purse into her glove compartment. Swapping the occupation for a couple of evidence bags, her gloves and flashlight before hopping out of the car. The apartment building, as she predicted, was boarder line dilapidated. On the surface, it was a clean correctional facility, but it was obvious the nature of shady deals and watchful eyes were all over the place. She flashed her badge at the doorman and made her way upstairs to the third floor. Apartment D. There was an eviction notice on the door, coupled with several slews of yellow tape and an FBI cease and desist on the door. She took a few steps back, braced herself and kicked the door open. Like the warehouse the apartment was shrouded in shadow. She turned on her flashlight and started to inspect. The apartment for the most part was clean. She noticed his mail on the counter first. Letters dated back to months ago. Which was a shocker, because she didn't think he'd been gone for so long. The deeply spoiled milk in the fridge had been the second indication.

The living room area was clear. She found nothing but takeout menus, and a few boxes of condoms and tissues. The bathroom was clear. The bedroom. She swept the entire apartment in a matter of ten minutes in all honesty. She didn't buy that it was clean though. She stood in his bedroom and immediately flipped the mattress, but that too was clean. She checked behind every picture frame and mirror. Even the walls behind the cabinets but everything kept coming up clean. She was prepared to leave when she decided to do one more sweep of the bathroom. He kept a small container of spackle underneath the sink. Her eyes searched every wall in the bathroom, and when they didn't catch anything she used her fingers.

Nothing.

Back into the bedroom. Everywhere. Floor to ceiling. But she'd been standing in the closet when she felt it. A rough patch along edge of the wall, no bigger than a quarter. She searched the closet for an object, and conveniently found a broomstick on the top shelf which only heightened her pace when she realized he could've and did use it to create a door. She used the tip of the broom to penetrate the hole until she could plunge it inside for leverage. The wall cracked along the sides where it was obvious he had spackled often. She put more force on the broom until the door gave in and could easily be opened. She pulled it back breathing in exhaustion as she saw dozens of photos of her on the wall. Some hand drawn, others were taken from afar with a camera. Red string attached one photo to the next across the board and in marker every where he'd written the words, " _We're connected."_

She swallowed staring at the photos. There were images of her and David together kissing outside the precinct. A few of them having sex at their house in the Hamptons. She pulled one the photos off the wall recognizing the pool and the beach chairs. There were even some of her shopping for baby clothes and leaving doctor's appointments. The ones that were hand drawn were on pages ripped out of books and scribbled on the back of old mail. She pulled another photo of herself on the wall, of her giving David a blow job in his office. He even had one of her sonogram photos. How he got ahold of them, she'd never know, but she was anxious to pack them away. She tore them all down, ripping some in her fury as she pulled and grabbed at them. Her eyes blurring as they fell to the ground. She was so engrossed with the photos she didn't even notice that there was a box on the floor too.

Once she got the photos down and stuck them into a bag, she opened the box. It was empty save for a notebook, a laptop, a flash drive and more of the poison used to kill Elizabeth. With gloved hands she opened the notebook first and found a business card for an attorney she didn't recognize and even more photos of herself. Only these were older. Back from when they originally first met. And there were pages and pages and pages filled with sexual fantasies. He used the phrase, "We're connected," a lot. Especially when describing his orgasms and in the moments when he tried to express his obsession with her. He always used the same two words. The ones she'd hailed at him, before giving him a kiss in attempt to save Elliot's life. We're connected.

She swallowed, tasting the bitter tang of guilt in her mouth again before shoving the notebook into a separate bag. Once again, overwhelmed with the feeling that what happened was all her fault. She opened up the laptop. It seemed empty, the space used on it was in the bare minimum, meaning nothing of any value was actually on it so she went ahead and inserted the thumb drive. The screen blinked at her until it revealed a series of of black videos and mp3 files.

She hit play on one of them and saw one of many sexcapades in David's office pop up. You could see everything. She was completely on display. They both were. And they were all like that. All of them were videos of she and David having sex. She pressed the arrow key and went through them all. Let a few seconds play in the beginning until she recognized herself and where they were, and then went to the next one. There had to have been at least thirty or so. And the mp3s...She flinched, hearing David's voice and her moaning start to drown the room.

" _Take my cock, just like that baby."_

 _"Yeah, fuck me David," she begged._

She heard herself moaning, begging, weeping with pleasure.

 _"You feel all that gushing out of your pussy? All that cum I left inside you? You want to feel it tomorrow don't you?"_

 _"Yeah baby, get in there. Cum inside m-_

She slammed the laptop shut, turning it off. She couldn't listen to it anymore. She got up from her seat at his desk and ran into the kitchen and turned on the cold water. She splashed it in her face, until the heat seemed to burn out and it was then that she heard her phone ringing from Stuckey's bedroom. She was hesitant to go back in there but then she remembered the image of him mangled and rotten in the warehouse, and went back in to get the rest of her things.

She packed everything up and put it in bags so she could take it home. By the time she made it to her townhouse, it was even later, and she was even more spent than she had been before. _It had been a long day._ She walked into the house texting Fin and let him know she needed a mic sweep in the morning. Before heading up for a shower she left the box of bagged evidence in her office, careful to place the photos and thumb drive in her safe. She refused to bring them to the precinct where intimate moments meant only for she and David would be catalogued and on full display for any one to see. Eventually she knew that she'd have to turn in some of them to build a case and file with IAB, but she wanted to have control of what was shared. The tapes and mp3 would never get out. Only the photos of her out in public would be released, she decided on the drive home.

She purposefully left her cell phone on her desk and walked out, locking the door to her office behind her. She was half way out of her clothes by the time she reached her room where David was waiting for her. All six foot six of him, sleeping in their bed. His arms open, waiting for her to crawl inside. She watched him silently as she unzipped her pants, and climbed out of her bra and underwear. When he didn't flinch, she walked into the bathroom, closed the door and started a shower. Grateful when the smell of soap and shampoo started to crowd her. The last remnants of the stale stench of decay rushing down the drain with each scrub of her wrist. As alleviating as the day had been finding out who attacked her, finding out that Stuckey was dead, and getting the chance to investigate all the lengths that he'd gone to pursue her, she expected to feel relief. A sliver of peace even. But there had been anything but. Instead she could still feel the bruises Stuckey left. She could still feel the phantom pain in her stomach. Her heart was still broken, and she was annoyed because she wasn't sure that she'd ever fully heal from the trauma.

She thought knowing would've been enough, but as it turned out, it wasn't. She was still in pain. Still in constant, crippling agony over what happened. And the reality- finding out that it had all ended and began with her, consumed her. She was numb. Couldn't feel anything other than her heart rapidly beating underneath her chest as the water turned cold.

She reached for the nozzle and turned it off before walking out from underneath the steam where a towel waited for her. She wrapped herself in it, dried off, lathered her skin and put on some clean clothes. She was standing in the mirror brushing out her hair when she heard it.

It sounded like a woman's voice - her voice coming from the nursery. She stared at the room from her place by the counter and frowned. The light was on. She put the brush down and walked towards it intent on turning it off, but she froze before she had the chance.

She saw herself lying on the floor with Dominic sitting in front of her. The baby was playing with his toys as another version of herself was trying and failing to get him into bed. He was clearly too rambunctious for nine months. And big. He'd gotten so big, growing into his almost one year old body. He turned to look at her, his big brown eyes shining and smiling up as he waved. Without wanting to she'd cried and smiled back seeing how his hair had grown so thick and curly like David's was when he was a child. The ringlets cascading with her deep, rich, brown color. And his soft rosy cheeks were the things of magic as his little fingers held onto the bunny David gifted her at the beginning of her pregnancy. He was invested heavily in his favorite book. Guess How Much I Love You. She watched herself read to him as he pointed at the pictures. His little body giggling every time he saw a bunny like the one he held close. But she could hardly finish the book because he was too cute the way his toes would squeeze before he would scoot closer to her body. Scoot so close that he was resting over her shoulder. And his fingers would touch and grab at the pages, the way he grabbed sweetly on her arms. She watched herself run her fingers through his hair planting a kiss on his face as she read the words softly to him, "I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river and right up to the moon," she smiled tickling his tummy.

"Mama," he smiled, pulling at her shoulders so he could climb closer and reveal that she was still pregnant with she and David's second baby.

"Yes, mama loves you," she told him stroking her swell and Dominic's face at the same time. " _Right up to the moon and back_."

Olivia's breath hitched in the door way as they both stared up at her. Both of them smiling proudly. Dominic tried to put on her academy hat but it was too big for him. "Mama," he said again as he pointed up at her, while the version of her on the floor mouthed, "Thank you."

 _If you love me, pleeeeeeeeease review. Let me know in the comments if you caught all the easter eggs! Be back soon with another- if you review that is. hahahaha._


	35. Loving

_Then_

 _April 2017_

She hugged the sheets closer as she heard the faint sound of Parisian news invade the room. Following not long after was the distant light patter of traffic outside her window. It was early she realized as her eyes opened to a near dim blue hue. She shielded her face from the light and leaned on her backside hearing wheels coming at her. She looked over and smirked seeing David, completely naked, carting their breakfast to their bed. The grin that she so loved was cloaked heavily on his face as he approached her.

"Good morning Mrs. Haden."

She arched her brow as he parked on her side of the bed, effectively blocking the view she was hoping to see.

"I'll be the judge of that," she smirked, sitting up gingerly. David leaned over the cart so she could get a hot sight of his bulging muscular arms.

"Pick one," he nodded at the set of silver cloches. There were three in total shining up at her in mystery and surprise. She thought carefully, betting he was trying to make a game of this. Even though she could smell the bacon and sausage, and she was willing to bet there was either an omelette or French toast under another to pair with the pastries in plain view, she knew which ever one she opened was the only one he would allow her to eat before making love to her again. She bit her lip pensively. She needed all the energy she could get. Boldly she chose the middle one.

David's cheeks reddened as he started to laugh. She had fallen right into another one of his traps. He took the top off the plate revealing the most beautiful arrangement of fresh blush dahlias in full bloom. Each one of them quite literally taking her breath away. David eyed her, picking the smallest one from the back before pushing the cart out of the way so he could reach and pin it behind her ear. She braced herself as he leaned in and kissed her lips, and closed her eyes feeling his hand pull the sheet off her breasts.

"I need to…eat." She breathed in between each kiss.

"You will," David promised, leaning her further back into the bed. "But I'm," he brushed a nipple with his thumb and kissed it. "Hungry," she arched her spine into him as he planted another kiss on her stomach. "Too." She stared at him, her eyes going carnal as he hovered at the apex of her thighs. He kissed the inside of her left one first before expertly hooking it over his shoulder causing her cheeks to burn a fiery crimson. She was wet just thinking about what he was going to do to her. The sore pang of starvation almost evaporating as she got into it. Her heart thudded heavy in her chest as she felt him breathing against her clit, his lips whispering against her entrance as he kissed closer. "You smell so good," he told her softly. He examined her meticulously, drawing out the moment by caressing the skin on her inner thigh. And before she started to beg, his lips were embedded in her pussy. Sucking. Kissing. Licking in a way that was more of a deep hungry bite.

She moaned, her hands gripping the sheets as her hips started to lift from the bed. The way the gentle shadow on his jawline added to the texture and tickled her clit, had her on the verge of coming in seconds. She cried out feeling her gut start to tighten as she rode the warm softness of his mouth. And every time his tongue slipped out she lost it. Deep, vibrant moans escaped her throat as she dug her heel into his shoulder and her clit throbbed against his lips. The sensation of his tongue soothing her gaping hole as it started to clench was too much for her to bare. Desperately, she humped his mouth until she couldn't hold it in anymore and she exploded all down his chin. She panted feeling herself start to twitch and wished silently that she could handle penetration but she couldn't. Not yet.

They hadn't left the room since they arrived a few weeks ago. She hadn't seen clothes, or walked outside, or done anything other than sleep, eat, bathe, fuck. That was their routine and she hadn't been this sexually worn out since since the weeks leading after their wedding. And that was ok, she told herself. She needed it. The morning after she hunted Stuckey, she told David everything and they had left for Paris the very next day.

She remembered she had stayed awake all night waiting for him to open his eyes. And when he did, she told him softly with the hush of morning. Their faces so close together that they shared the same breath.

"I got him," she said as she stroked his cheek.

"Him who?"

"The person who attacked me. He was someone from my past."

"It was an act of revenge?" David asked as he searched her eyes, and she shook her head no seeing the concern fill them.

"He was a trained individual from the academy. He worked with me at SVU in CSU, but he was severely, mentally disturbed. In the end he killed three people and attempted murder on Donnelly. He would've succeeded if Elliot and I hadn't intervened when we did…" She hesitated.

"What? What is it?"

"He attacked me because I led him on. Back then, in order to subdue him, I made him believe that we were the same. I told him we were 'connected' and then I kissed him," She rubbed her thumb against David's lips as she mirrored her words. "We got him put away for life without parole, but he became an FBI informant, and with good behavior they released him using the same bill that we- that I created to help the backlog." She swallowed, still sickened by that. "And because he was working with the Feds they kept him off the books, so I couldn't investigate what happened that night. They wouldn't let me until yesterday, and I got him."

David shaped her face with his hand, mimicking the movement she had on him. "Where is he?"

"Dead." He blinked at her, visibly uncomfortable by her news. "It wasn't me," she told him. "But I wish it had been."

"You don't mean that," he murmured.

"I do. Everything he did to us. Everything that night put us through. I do..." She croaked. "So go ahead, finish getting ready for work. I just wanted to tell you that. I thought maybe it would help you exist easier, I know I sure as hell can. Knowing he's not out there anymore…that he'll never hurt me or us again… I just wanted you to know." She told him, her eyes finally succumbing to the exhaustion.

The bed had dipped. He climbed on top of her and despite her protests they made love. Initially she hadn't been in the mood. Didn't feel deserving and didn't want the extra intimacy, but she couldn't escape the pain any other way. Later after sex and sleep and more sex and more sleep, they talked about what they wanted to do. It was true, she had found some sense of closure in finding Stuckey's body, but the bloodshed in New York and the loss of both her children continued to haunt her. So she agreed. Time away would be best. Not surprising, their day had bled into the following one and despite repeated phone calls from Fin, Amanda and Carisi she had turned her papers in for a brief unpaid sabbatical. She needed a break. She needed David. She needed time to heal. Her obsession surrounding her attack hadn't allowed her the time she needed to grieve over her miscarriage and she still wanted to desperately fix things between she and David. So when he asked where she wanted to go, her response was simple. "Take me home in Paris."

Before they got married he bought her a secret apartment there as an engagement present. After the wedding it was where they stayed until it was time to return to New York, and they had yet to return until now. And it worked out perfect. Ed and Marisol were getting married at the end of the month in David's hometown in Italy. So in the meantime they were going to stay in the city and just enjoy each other until it was time to go. "It'll be like our honeymoon," he'd told her as they packed for their trip. And it had been. Every moment they were so loving with each other. Both of them taking extra time and special care to just be kind and patient with one another. Neither talked about work or how they were mourning the last few months. Instead they silently attempted to find their way back to each other. And blissfully they succeeded.

Now David held three fingers against her pussy, stroking her clit while she laid beneath him. All the while his eyes were thick on hers steadily resisting the urge to pinch the nipple that was now peaking from the depth of their comforter.

"Mm, God you feel so good," she whispered. "I've missed you so much."

"I could get used to this," he gruffed, expertly soothing the sensitivity she had while he stared at her. She didn't respond right away. She was too busy tuning into the low rumble in her center as her body flickered and she enjoyed the irrevocable heat.

"Get used to…what?" She whispered.

"You and me. Just us for a while." He added another finger as he leaned within kissing range of her. "No one else…" He whispered as he pecked her cheek, purposefully teasing her with his lips. She turned into his face, trying and failing to reach his mouth as he pulled away. "I'm serious Liv…I need that. I need you. Just you."

"Just me. Got it." She forced his neck down and held him firmly in place so she could kiss him again and render it impossible for him to let her go. "You better make it worth my while councilor." She whispered softly. He followed her kisses to her cheeks and captured her lips once more before allowing her to reach the feast he made for her.

"Don't make a mess," he warned, settling behind her. Without waiting she removed the rest of the silver cover tins and revealed everything she imagined. Homemade French toast, a healthy side of eggs, meat, and a vat of even more pastries. She swallowed a bite of sausage as she stared out the window. The sun was shining despite the rainfall they had been getting to commence Spring.

"Start missing the outside world yet?" He quipped, as he drank a glass of orange juice. In addition to staying at the apartment, David made sure she had a new cell phone so there were no busy calls from the office or friends texting to check in. There was only one TV in the whole apartment, and despite having a computer, their wifi was purposely terrible. So he was asking from quite a literal standpoint.

"No. But I'd like to eat another meal at some point today," she told him. Since they arrived he had allowed her breakfast in the morning and that was it.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Surprise me when we go into town later," she quipped. She involuntarily moaned eating her food. The French toast was to die for with banana's, sliced honeyed almonds and homemade whipped cream. She heard him laugh behind her.

"This is ridiculous," she told him. Scooping up cream, and banana and syrup before turning around to finger feed him. She felt her center warm as he sucked and kissed her fingers. Gave it to her so good that she dropped the last bite on his chest by accident.

"I told you not to make a mess," he glared at her.

She draped her thigh over him and rolled him on his back so she could freely suck it off him. "I didn't," she whispered. Biting his jaw with her lips when she was finished.

"If you keep that up we're going to have to call off our little excursion."

"Remind me what it is we're doing, again," she whispered as they held each other. David had been incredibly tight lipped about the day, and would only make small mysterious hints when they spoke to one another in-between sleeping and making love. He brushed the hair out of her face and stroked her cheek lovingly.

"It's a secret- well really an incredibly late birthday gift."

"We already celebrated my birthday," Olivia frowned.

"Not like this," he smirked. "Finish eating, we have to get dressed. We're going to be leaving soon." He kissed her again and pulled back the sheets before climbing out of their nest. She watched him walk naked into their bathroom until she heard the sound of the shower turn on. As difficult as the first two years of their marriage had been, she still felt so lucky that she was sharing her life with him. When they were together she was living the life she'd always dreamed of. She wouldn't deny the last few months were rough and hard to get through, but somehow they prevailed and he still loved her. Still wanted to spoil her rotten and shower her with everything he could. Her body was still radiating with all that he'd given her, and he intended on giving more. She bit her lip as her skin broke out in goosebumps just thinking about it.

She finished up her breakfast eagerly, until it was her turn to get in the shower. David was already dressed to perfection in a beautiful black shirt and extremely sharp, complimenting trousers. So to match she put on an all black dress with cream colored polka dots. He stared at her heavily when she walked out of their bedroom and took a long sip of the glass of water he'd had while waiting for her.

"Are you ready?" She asked him as she bent over to put on her heels.

He stepped up to her and while she was still bent down, unclipped her hair from the crown of her head. She felt the thick tresses cascade down to her cheeks and hit her back, and she rolled her eyes laughing at him inside. He always did that. He liked it better when her hair was down. She stood up a little higher in her shoes, closer to his lips, and met his glare. His expression still hadn't changed. It was hot, and thick, and somehow she could feel his eyes on her everywhere.

"What?" She asked him, beginning to think something was wrong.

"You're intoxicating me right now," He told her. "I want to devour you."

"I thought you were going to give me a break today." She smirked leaning in closer to him and he wasted no time letting his hand explore her body.

"That was before you put this on," he said faintly. His eyes still heavy on hers.

She swallowed as her heart thudded hard beneath her ribs. She was staring at him but he was taking in every expression, flinch and reaction she made as his hand shaped her thighs and climbed closer to her pussy. And when he finally got there, she clutched onto his shoulder, spreading her legs open the slightest bit wider so he could touch her more. Even though she'd just taken a shower she was still wet for him and that turned him on even more. He stroked her clit until she released enough to handle his fingers and then in one swift move he had her pinned up against the wall. She went lightheaded from all the exhilaration. The way he touched her, kissed her, held her. Every move he made so deeply out of love and dangerously laced with lust.

She whimpered with her lips pressed against his as he parted her pussy and started to fuck her with his fingers.

"You just don't stop do you?" He taunted her as he bent his face to the side of her head, his fingers roughly pumping inside her to prematurely coax another orgasm. "You just keep driving me crazy. The way you dress, the way you smell, the way you look at me when you cum," As if on queue her eyes shot open to stare at him and he captured her jaw with his grip and gave it an aggressive squeeze. "What am I going to do with these gorgeous lips." He licked them in one erotic stroke, mimicking the fluid motion he had on her clit before kissing her all together. He was consuming her. Every last inch. And she moaned feeling his kiss slide down to capture her chin too. He started pumping faster, her orgasm coming not from her but a deep need from within him. He was doing that a lot lately. Pleasing her. Gifting her orgasm after orgasm.

Sweat broke out on her upper brow and within the deep sensitive place on her neck just thinking about it. She could feel her legs starting to shake as she clung to him. "Fuck me," she cried softly. "I want it. I want you. I want to feel you inside me when I cum."

He groaned, and lifted her up into his arms before swinging her around in their kitchen. Spur of the moment deciding he was going to fuck her up against their cabinets while she sat on their sink. She laughed against his lips as he struggled to balance her against the counter and get his pants off. It took a minute but it wasn't long before she could feel him gliding up against her slit, leaving precum all over her as they moved together. The feeling was erotic and sensual, like a kiss where she wanted it most. She played with their juices feeling herself flicker in heat again. Rendering herself unable to think or focus on anything but the moment. He said she was intoxicating but that really wasn't the word. There were no words for how perfectly they seemed to fit together. How they seemed to always know when and where to touch. What to do. What to say. They were both each other's worst drug.

Her cheeks were flushed as his cock started to send shivers through her, and for a split second she wasn't sure if he was going to arrive in time for her climax. But then she started to peak.

"I'm coming, oh god I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum baby, oh-"

He waited until the last moment to plant himself inside her, and she came hard. The muscles in her stomach aching as she drew him further in. And fuck, he felt amazing. Thrusting deep against her walls the way she loved. Her arms and legs clung to him as his hips slammed her up against the cabinets. The back of her thighs literally dangling on the edge of the sink as he freely bit into her neck. Her eyes closed feeling his hand travel between her legs, to pluck her swollen clit and earn an illicit whimper from her throat.

She clawed at his shirt splitting it open so she could kiss and bite and suck every part of him. And then they started fucking manically. Hard. Without rhythm. Her whole body humping him as he lifted her closer by the ass. The dishes behind her rattled in the sink every time he pounded inside her, and she was in a world that seemed to only begin and end with him. "Yeah…yeah…give me that thick cock." She begged him, squeezing hard on the perfectly chiseled muscles of his ass. David stumbled further into her, and squeezed her tighter. Squeezed her hips. Her hair. While he kissed her harder.

"Oh god, I love this pussy. I love you. Fuck!"

She laughed at his honest declaration and that made him lose his grip and she fell too far into the sink, pushing the faucet on high. Cold water started to stain her dress and the added sensation as it started to drip between her slit made her cum again. Her thighs clenched around him as the deep soreness of consecutive orgasms returned.

David's head fell into her chest as he struggled to move. She was gripping him that tight! He cupped the water behind her and playfully smothered her face in it. Water went flying everywhere. She sucked as much as she could from his hand kissing the spot where it started to fall and broke out into laughter again as he kissed her face adolescently and licked her boobs where the water swiftly escaped. Her body was shaking at his assault and the distant chill of the water. He picked her up again, desperate to consume her more, and they went tripping back into their bedroom one clumsy step at a time with David's pants ankled around his feet. He planted her down on the bed, daringly sinking just a little bit deeper into her body. The last added inch was immediately felt and she nearly doubled over it was so intrusive.

"You feel so tight around me, baby. It feels so good. _You_ feel so good." He groaned, thrusting into her with wild abandon. He lathered his fingers with spit and started playing with her clit as he penetrated her deeper. His love making so divine that she couldn't do anything but lie there and take it. She panted, quickly hiking up her dress and pulling it up over her arms as the heat began to consume her. And no sooner did the fabric leave her body did she start to feel David's lips everywhere. Kissing. Sucking. Biting.

"Cum inside me David, cum inside my pussy. I want to feel you dripping out of me. Please, please, please," she begged. She reached for him but he grabbed her wrists and twisted them above her head locking her down in place before climbing further above her. His whole body cloaking hers, leaving her helpless to do anything but hug him closer with her legs. Her breasts were jumping in his face with every stroke he gave but his eyes were dead set on hers the way they had been before all of this started. And it was then, when they were so joined together that she couldn't tell where she started and where he ended that she felt it. Thick jets of warm sperm hit her cervix, filling her so completely that all she could do was sweetly kiss him while she wept. But he didn't stay like she expected.

He pulled out still yanking his raging hard on. "Come here," he ordered gruffly. She did as she was told and let David guide her onto the head of his cock. He could just barely fit in her mouth but she took what she could. Licking her juices off him until the final spurts of his cum ejected on the back of her throat and on the front of her lips. Their eyes were locked on one another as she sucked and kissed the tip. And like every time her stomach stirred with want because he tasted so sweet.

When it was over he collapsed on the bed beside her to catch his breath. "You should find something else to wear," he panted as he nestled her into his arms.

"You think?" He buried his face in her hair and inhaled a lung full. "Do I have to carry you to the bath?" He asked her biting her ear. But she was too fitted with exhaustion to do anything other than nod. Thankfully he let her rest for a half hour but that was it. He woke her again with his kiss and sent her straight to the shower, to get dressed again. But that was a whole other episode. Every moment she could she kissed him. Touched him. Teased him.

"We're never going to leave this apartment, are we?" He asked her finally giving into her demands. She smirked mischievously as he towered high above her in the shower, bringing her flush against his body with the strength she loved.

"I don't know? Are we?"

"Why do I get the feeling that you're up to something?" He asked flirtatiously.

Something like making love until she got what she wanted? "Because maybe I am." She kissed him for good measure. Not in a heated, passionate way, but in a very sincere 'I love you way.' Because she did, she thought as she rested against his chest. She did love him. She loved him so much she felt like she could die from it. The way she so deeply clung to David emotionally now was terrifying. It was worse than anything she'd ever felt with Elliot. Her entire marriage she worked hard to keep that sort of dependency from ever happening to herself again, but what was going on between them was without her control. Every time she looked at him now it seemed like she dug a hole even deeper to crawl into him with. It was scary and empowering, safe and uncertain all at the same time. Every time she thought about him her skin went into flames. It was as if she'd broken the third wall with him. Every time they kissed she was in another world. For months her hunt for Stuckey kept her frozen in one place. Her heart, her emotions, her love, her sanity- everything had stopped until she found him lying dead in the middle of the floor. And then when they arrived in Paris it was like everything was moving at lightning speed to catch up with her again. The love she had when they married was not like the love she had for him now. This love was stronger, wiser, more mature and so dangerously consuming. She _bared her soul_ to him. And there was no going back. She couldn't live without him, and she didn't want to. He was the love of her life just like she knew she was the love of his.

It was difficult to imagine where their life was going to take them after everything. As ridiculous as it was, even the mere thought of leaving the apartment in Paris had become daunting, but life just like love was all about trust. And she was giving it all to David. She kissed him again as they got out of the shower, and like before David was the first to get dressed. Instead of black, he put on a crisp white shirt and khaki pants to go with before coming to hover behind her as she went through her things.

"Where are my clothes?" She asked frowning at the hangars. David shrugged behind her with a small smile as he leaned up against the wall to watch her naked and wandering aimlessly about. The fresh clean scent and look of him doing things to her that only she could feel. "You're going to have to work with what you have Mrs. Haden."

She rolled her eyes and ultimately decided to try and match him again. She pulled an all white sleeveless dress cloaked in spring lace with a crocheted collar and golden sandals to go with. She started to put it on but David came up behind her to assert control. She shivered feeling his fingers sensually envelope around her wrist and guide it to her intimates drawer.

"Be good to me this time, Liv." He whispered hotly in her ear, cupping her abdomen to hold her flush against his new hard on. "Bra and panties on please." She went light headed again at his intimacy. The tone of his voice teased her from her center and swam within her from the inside out. She swallowed to keep steady as he guided her hands to open the drawer and then all too cruelly he backed away to see how she'd fair without him. On purpose she forwent the bra all together and pulled out nipple concealers instead much to his chagrin. And for panties she pulled one of the most intimate lingeries she had. A piece they'd bought years ago while in France that she'd never worn. It was a gartered black lace number, that went up to her waist and corseted her ass in the most unbelievable way.

David bit his tongue as looked at her, and for a moment she was confident that she'd finally beat him at his own game. She turned to look at him, loosening her hair again.

"What do you think? Do I look ok?" She asked purposefully touching her breasts as she positioned the concealers.

He cleared his throat and licked his lips, shifting from one foot to the other. Examining her in an almost tantalizing gaze.

"You're perfect," he told her. Crossing the room to join her again. "There's just one little thing you're missing."

She snorted. "Your dick is a lot of things but little isn't one of them."

He turned her around so she was facing their mirror. "I wasn't talking about that," he told her softly as they stared at one another through their reflection. She stifled a sigh as she felt his thumb tracing the dip of her ass cheeks from the joint of her thighs. And it was then, when she started to try and lean into his thumb that he revealed them.

Two shiny, silver orbs connected to one another by a single thread. She inhaled sharply as she stared at the foreign objects now dangling by her shoulder. Her heart quickened, because she'd seen them before in random places on the job. On one too many lonely nights before meeting him, she'd even googled what exactly they're supposed to do. But she never invested in them. For one, she didn't believe that they'd actually work and two, she'd never had a partner that she wanted to try them with, never mind finding one who would be into it.

"Spread your legs," he told her. She looked at him absolutely thrilled by the notion but terrified at the idea all the same. "They don't hurt and they're a little smaller than me. You won't be in any discomfort. I promise."

"Do they work?"

"Mhm."

"Where are you going to put them?" She breathed.

He drew his free hand over her middle until it rested soundly against her pussy. "Here," he whispered. He pushed his knee between her legs to spread them wider and then gently bent her forward. He replaced his thumb from their hidden place between her thighs with his fingers, and gently stroked her pussy until he was confident she could handle the new intrusion. Her breath hitched as the first one went in and he had to send a palm to her back to calm her. "Relax," he instructed. And then without fail the second one disappeared inside her. He pulled her back upright and sheltered her in his arms.

"Try not to make any sudden movements," he told whispered against her shoulder. He turned her around and kissed her lips to demonstrate, and just that slight flutter of motion sent the ben wa balls shifting inside her, and intense erotic pressure pooled inside her pussy.

"Oh my god," she gasped.

David grinned mischievously down at her. "Wait until I take them out of you later." He kissed her cheek. "Since I came inside you before, they'll probably slide around more than usual. You're going to have to use your muscles to keep them in, or else you'll make a mess. Understand?" She nodded. "Good. Don't take too long." He gave her ass a hearty slap and left the room so she could finish getting ready.

Another gut wrenching curl radiated out of her, and she wanted to slap herself for thinking she'd bested him at his own game. The balls were ravenous. It was a sensation that seemed to cling to her g-spot like a magnet. And it had a zing to it. Almost like a warm tiny battery shock that made her clit jump with want and need. It was massaging and attentive and it reminded reminder her of how it could feel when he was all the way inside her from behind. Of course it didn't help any that it was one of her favorite sex positions to begin with either. She exhaled intensely and let herself enjoy the sensation. Couldn't believe that every time she closed her eyes she could see him and feel him doing something else to her body. She felt them moving when she put on her dress, every moment she took a step or exhaled too deeply. Even when they rode the elevator down to their car. There was no escape from it. Just constant attention where she wanted it most.

"So what's the plan?" She asked as she crossed her legs while they sat together in the car. She had been badgering him about where they were going and what they were doing all week but he never gave in. He clenched his jaw meticulously and eyed her before pouring a drink.

"First I'm going to take you shopping and we're going to get you some new clothes. Then we're going to have lunch at that little spot you like in town. And after a couple of hours of walking, and lifting your arms up and down from trying on new things, you're going to beg me to take the Ben Was out of you. And when you're so hot and bothered that all you can do is think about me coming inside you again, we're going to drive to a small commercial airport where a charter will be waiting to fly us to St. Tropez. And then after we've gotten settled into our new bearings, I'm going to bend you over and fuck you into next week."

She arched her brow, enticed by the sound of that. "What's in St. Tropez?"

He smiled at her. "You'll see."

She smiled back, even though deep down inside she couldn't possibly imagine what more this man intended to give or do to her. Increasingly so, as they rode quietly through the city and he couldn't seem to take his eyes off her. All day he had her in and out of luxury shops buying clothes, lingerie and swimsuits on the expense of his black card. For every bag they collected, they were sent immediately to the car for safe keeping and travel. And like he predicted she hadn't been able to handle the constant movement in her middle at all. They had to stop several times. Make out hotly in a secluded alleyway. Fondle one another in a dressing room or two.

The sensation mirrored too identical to that first breathtaking moment of initial penetration during sex. Only instead of feeling it once, it was happening again and again and again. She was already addicted to that subtle high whenever David would slide inside her for that first delicious thrust, but this heightened her to new limits. She felt like she was constantly on the verge of an orgasm and she couldn't seem to relieve herself. It got so bad that after just three stores she begged him to let her take them out. And like the prick that he was, he refused her. Instead he took her to get some beignets as they stopped for lunch.

"What are you trying to fatten me up?" She asked him after hearing him order a dozen. She was still recovering from breakfast.

He stretched his eyebrows above her as he held her from behind. "I like having something to hold onto when I'm inside you," he whispered in her ear as they stood in the bakery.

"Really?" she leaned back into him.

"Mhm. And I like it when you suffocate my face with the soft thickness of your thighs so I can't see anything but you. The shape of your ass bouncing when I pound into you. How tight you feel around me but how supple it feels when you hold me."

"Oh," she smirked, trying her hardest not to laugh and blush in front of all the random French people that surrounded them. She took a bite of the doughnut he held out for her and got powdered sugar all over her nose and upper lip.

"I can't take you," he laughed at her, kissing and sucking the sugar off while she blissfully protested beneath him. But even that rendezvous was short lived due to the sensations she'd unknowingly worsened in her state. David smirked at her as they sat across from each other now at a bistro.

"Are you wet?" He asked. Her nipples pinched hearing him inquire that out in public with his eyes still hot on her.

"Yes," she answered quietly, staring at him back. And he didn't know the half of it. The slippery, silk like kiss that seemed to touch her every time she did something other than stand perfectly still was consuming her. The hunger for him was overbearing and He didn't respond other than pouring more sugar into his espresso. "How much longer are you going to make me wait?"

He folded his hands methodically. "I've waited months to have this time with you. I think you can handle a few more hours."

She pursed her lips and uncrossed her legs. "So you're trying to get back at me?"

He flashed a cunning smile. "I'm not punishing you. Having you all to myself is the one luxury I can't seem too afford. I have to take what I can get when I can Lieutenant."

Their waiter came back with her salad and his fruit plate. "We should retire here." He said as he looked at her.

"So we can turn into two old wrinkly baguettes?" she teased him.

"Mhm."

"I don't care where we end up, as long as I'm with you."

He laughed softly underneath his breath. "That could be arranged."

They boarded the plane shortly after, and an hour later they were descending into St. Tropez. As soon as they landed, David blindfolded her eyes and put her into the backseat of a town car, where they seemed to drive for about 30 minutes or so. When the car halted, and the door opened, the air became colder. The spring warmth she had felt in Paris had evaporated for a late winter chill. With his guidance she was lead down some stairs first and then he began to cover her eyes with his hands as she walked unsteadily in a straight line.

"No peaking," David warned as he held his hands against her.

"I'm not," Olivia argued as she stumbled gently over her feet.

It was a short distance but it felt longer with her eyes blindfolded and with no explanation for where they were going.

"Ok you ready?" David asked as he brought her to a halt.

"Mhm."

He removed the blindfold and held her close against him. "Open your eyes."

They were on a dock standing in front of a super yacht with her name on it. It was unnaturally large and extended with an almost rectangular point, no doubt strengthening it's interior space. And standing at the foot of its overwhelming power, Olivia could see the decks, the pool and the almost endless depth of the state of the art design. Her eyes glossed over her name in silver again.

"What is this?" She asked struggling to get air in her lungs.

"It's your birthday present."

"Are you serious?" Olivia turned around to look at him. "A yacht- Oh my God. Oh my GOD! "

And for the next 40 minutes she did nothing but repeat those three little words.

Designed by Dutch architect Sinot, the luxury vessel was an extensive 400 foot home on the water. Amenities included a statement spiral staircase in the central mezzanine, a spa, a sea-level swimming pool with a waterfall installation, roof top deck, a gym, and a lounge boasting floor to ceiling windows. With a crew capacity of 50 members and a guest capacity of 18, the yacht even housed a climate controlled garden, 8 jet skis, and two limo tenders. And everything, from the towels to the napkins, had an O on it for "Olivia." It was a near endless world of luxury with surprises around every corner. There was a movie theatre, an entertaining mezzanine with it's own private bar. Beach chairs everywhere and that spa was full service.

"You're fucking insane," she told him as she descended from the staircase. "What are we going to do with this?"

"Well I believe the next task on the list was to fuck you into next week." He whispered before picking her up off her feet and throwing her over his shoulder. She yelped loudly, laughing as he took her to their room in a haste. And what awaited for her took her breath away to say the least. It was so beyond anything she could comprehend she wasn't even sure how something like it could exist. The warm hues of wood and sand enveloped her as the sea stretched out in front of her. The whole world seemingly at her feet with David's arms around her.

Once again, she was overwhelmed. Couldn't exactly put into words what she felt. She was surprised, and speechless but her feelings were bittersweet too. The world David was building for her was so much more than anything she could've ever dared to imagine for herself. It almost didn't even feel like it was hers or that any of it was real. And time was cruel. She wished that she could've given him so much more than what she had…

"Barba's going to love this."

"What about you? Are you going to love this?" He whispered into her neck. She nodded to reply and shivered as he pulled the zipper down her back separating the fabric from her shoulders. She breathed feeling him help her out of her dress and shoes behind her. She turned around to face him after, and his eyes were dominant, determined, fixated with plans she couldn't wait to feel as he undid his watch.

"Are you happy?"

"As much as I can be in this moment." He removed his belt and slowly unbuttoned his shirt before removing the nipple concealers and then finally the lingerie piece she put on for him. She broke out into goosebumps as he studied her nakedness and watched his shirt come off

"Good." He whispered as he knelt down on his knees and looked up in front of her. She closed her eyes as his lips sensually wrapped around the garter strap at her thigh. He sucked on the skin there. Bruising her with the metal until the buckle released under the pressure of his tongue and fell apart in his mouth. She gasped as the second one snapped under his force and the lingerie fell to the floor.

He lingered at the erotic sight of her pussy and then kissed her hip. Her lower torso. Up further around her ribs. Her lips.

"There's no where on earth I'd rather be then right here with you," he told her.

He shoved her down on the bed aggressively and her heart quickened hearing him unzip his pants. She licked her lips, sexually unrestrained in waiting as he followed her. Her body shivering as she felt him shoot lube down her backside and sheath himself in a condom. He was going ass first.

"Are you ready?" He whispered darkly.

"Yes."

He pulled her aggressively back towards him in a swoop with the strength of his arm, and positioned her up against the bed for total penetration. _Relax,_ she told herself. Though nothing could prepare her- nothing ever could for that first feeling of intrusion.

His dick tapped between her cheeks and slid into her folds. "I want you to get me nice and wet first," he whispered in her ear.

She did as he asked and slowly slid against him, rubbing her husband's cock through the moist slit of her swollen pussy. The motion irritating her hole with every flicker that went towards the lingering thread of the Ben Was. She reached down and held the head of his dick against her to massage her clit and ease some of the tension, but like before her orgasm wouldn't give. She moved faster at the thought that soon it would though.

"Make me cum, please David," she hissed.

He spun her around so she was facing the ocean and planted her head face down on the mattress while he helped her hips lift up for injection. Then he climbed on top of her and held her ass cheeks open before penetrating her with the thickness of his cock. She moaned hard into the bed, her eyes fixated on their glossy reflection and the sea in their view. She lost her breath feeling him impale her from behind and his kiss was quick to plant itself at her shoulder.

He thrusted again. Harder. Sending the Ben Was into a frenzy. The intensity was so strong she couldn't find the words to tell him that it was too much. Moaning was all she could get out. So he took more. And thrusted harder shoving her whole body forward into the bed. The room filled with their panting and their groans and she started to sweat as he fondled with her nipples and humped his cock deep into her ass. All the while an intensity deep in her center stirred like never before, and she struggled to hold herself together as he started to work her clit using the cum drip she had to massage her into a release.

"Take them out," she wept feeling her orgasm eclipse her body. She couldn't hold them in any more. And the lack of attention was rocking her body harder against him.

"No. You're still holding back."

She sighed. _Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me…._

Powerful, dominant thrusts went straight to her clit. She could hardly breathe from the pressure of it. He was going to break her. Oh god, he was going to break her. She moaned freely, loudly as he groaned above her. All of his force going into the cushion of her hips as he slammed into the back of her thighs.

And then it happened.

Her eyes went completely white as her orgasm squirted out of her pushing the Ben Was out. She saw stars. She saw darkness. And she saw him as she surrendered to a suffocating white fever. Her whole body was shaking. Lifting off the bed, off him. Her juices squirting everywhere.

She'd never cum so hard in her life, "Oh fuck….fuck," she cried as more came out. David clung to her, his cock buried in her ass while her body unnaturally jerked against him until she slowed.

 _"There you go,"_ he panted behind her. _"There you go. That's it. Cum, Liv."_

She was shaking. Shivering. Her whole body jittery in his arms because it had been the first time she'd been able to do that since she was pregnant. David slid out of her carefully and stroked her body lovingly until she came back to him.

It didn't take long.

She reached for him as they laid next to each other and wrapped her hand around his still generously erect cock. Using what little strength she had, she pulled the condom off and climbed on top of him. She watched David's eyes close as her hair cascaded around them. "Per sempre tua," she whispered, kissing him lovingly on his eyes, his cheeks, and his lips only to mark him hard at his throat while her thighs suffocated his hips.

"Fare l'amore, 'Livia."

She moaned as his lips locked tight around her areolas, his kiss bruising into her skin, while he held her. She enjoyed it until her need for release returned and it was time for her to shove him off.

She leaned off him so she was straddling his waist and slowly slid back down on him. And when she had his full length nestled inside her she began to rock her hips against him, rubbing her swollen clit hard as she fucked him. The bedroom soon filled with the soft sounds of a cock sliding into an extremely wet pussy and she moaned feeling the newness the Ben Was had created. She felt tighter and that made David feel bigger than he ever had before. Putting it simply, he felt divine.

He hugged her ass with his hands as she moved against him. She was creaming all over him and he loved it.

"Yeah, yeah. Just like that," he groaned.

She bounced vigorously, cheered on by the heavy slap of her thighs beating against his. She was going to cum again. She could feel it. Her voice dropped an octave, feeling it stir inside her once more. Only this time she had less control, less of a warning. Because she held the Ben Was in for so long, there was a numbness inside her that blurred her senses. She had no idea it was coming until it came.

"Oh God, oh God-

She hopped off him squirting more all over his torso while she screamed his name. David grabbed her until she collapsed on top of him and slid right back in. Stretching her open for all she was worth.

"Take my fucking cock. Take it." He groaned, slamming up into her pussy while he locked her ass against him. His whole cock sliding in her in one smooth stroke. He was jackhammering into her and his primal fucking slurring her words into nothing. "I'm gonna cum so deep inside you- I'm gonna cum- Liv. Liv- LIV!"

He choked her name as his cock throbbed inside her exploding a load so thick and strong her body couldn't hold it all. All the while he had her clit rubbing up against his torso so when he orgasmed so did she.

He held her sex wild hair against her cheek until he mustered the strength to kiss her perfectly flushed lips. She wept feeling him continue to gently thrust inside her until he was done.

Until the room settled.

He slid out and parted her thighs while he held her and stroked all the cum dripping out of her pussy back inside where it belonged. The feeling was everything erotic and so deeply intimate that she couldn't do anything but stare at his eyes as they panted together. Both of their bodies sheened in sweat.

"I love you," he whispered. "I love you with all my heart, Liv."

She moaned gently against his lips as they kissed, her body silently praying for all the things she was too afraid to ask for.


End file.
